Monday, August 8, 2016


---"My five-year-old son has asked me for a King Kong toy gorilla he could hug inside his bedroom. I'm a bit worried about it, since King Kong is infamous for having terrorized New Yorkers. I am horrified by the prospect of little Alan hugging a terrorist in Alan's own bedroom!"

---"You remind me. Do you think King Kong was the first-ever terrorist in the history of New York? If so, why doesn't he get credit for it in the 'History of Terrorism in New York Encyclopedia' that I recently purchased?"

---"Whenever a college professor here asks you out on a date, make sure you review his syllabus online before you say 'yes'. The syllabus will tell you a lot about what kind of person he is, and what he would cite for his objectives."

---"I find it tragic how many New Yorkers are judged harshly based on the subway stop where they get off. Certain destinations are frowned upon, as if they had been rated dead last in a citywide survey in which New Yorkers are asked to rank each subway stop for level of perceived desirability."

----"I find it ironic that I have never been offered a slice of grape pie on any of the menus I see in local restaurants. Upstate New York is world-famous for grape production. What a poverty of the imagination that they don't also offer an Upstate New York Grape Pie for dessert here in Manhattan!"

---"You keep getting Ithaca mixed up with Attica. Ithaca is for training in the field of agriculture; Attica is for training in the field of crime."

---"I feel sorry for the New Yorkers who pray in public places. Whenever they are bent over in prayer, the guy behind them is trying to figure out how to pick their pocket!"

----"On any given day, I think half of New York is worried that an NYPD officer will approach them and ask them for the names of possible crime suspects. The other half of New York is worried that NYPD will approach them and charge them with actually being a crime suspect."

----"If I try to strike up a friendship with an NYPD officer, maybe he would charge me with bribery if I offer to treat him to lunch. I think this is always the classic dilemma you face here: If you are generous at heart, the cops always assume you're a well-financed mobster."

---"I don't blame him for pretending to know nothing about the cities and towns of Sicily. If he admits that he knows those places, the guy he's talking with will want to know how he can explain his familiarity with Sicily?"

---"This is one city where if you loudly state in public that you like 'Sicilian-style', someone will overhear you and whisper frantically to a friend that 'He is obviously not referring to pizza!'"

---"Whenever I look around me at the subway station, I try to imagine two scenarios for documentary films: a documentary on noble New Yorkers of today who should give us all grounds for hope about our city's future, or a documentary about the ruination of Manhattan by the depraved of today!"

---"My biggest consolation as a New Yorker is that we have no risk of any volcanic eruption here. If we had a volcanic eruption, it would be cited for centuries into the future as proof of what New Yorkers were in fact doing at the moment they got caught at it for eternity!"

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