Wednesday, July 26, 2017

MORE PROPOSED HUMOR MATERIAL FOR A COMEDIAN DELIVERING STAND-UP COMEDY FOCUSED ON AUSTIN, TEXAS, IN THE YEAR 2017:

--"Austin is the only city in Texas where, if you visit a bakery to order a brownie, you have to specify to the store clerk that 'I am looking for a brownie without any marijuana inside'."

---"I will tell you the most common mistake that Austinites who drink alcohol make that can get them in trouble with the law. They forget that it's illegal indecent exposure for them to urinate outdoors on public property. If anyone happens to glance at them from the wrong angle when they are mysteriously standing near a bush at 3 a.m. and then dials 911, the public urinator could end up in jail if a police officer gets there in time to catch them in the act. One of my pet peeves is that Austin men can avoid spending time in jail if they would just remember to keep their trousers on whenever they feel an urge to urinate at 3 a.m. at night and they're standing outdoors. Even if lots of urine suddenly leaks out and gushes onto the ground, my understanding is that no police officer in this capital city will arrest them for having a leak in their pants at 3 a.m. in the morning. After all, the urinator can use the defense that he had mysterious bladder-control problems at age 21, and he plans to consult a urologist about it."

---"A friend of mine recently visited Austin and told me he wanted to know why nearly all the men in Austin wear beards these days. I told him they're all members of a secret society called 'Admirers of Abraham Lincoln'. It was the best answer I could come up with. But I'm not sure whether it was the correct answer. The answer I gave implied that Austin men are all boned up on their 19th Century American history. But I know that's very unlikely. 

"One of the primary reasons why Austin men lack interest in the 19th Century is they figure there was no marijuana being smoked back then. To them, it was a 'Dullsville' period in American history. 'Can you imagine what life was like before the reefer?', a typical Austin man will ask you with incredulity in his tone of voice."

---"When I meet an Austin gentleman for the first time and want to get to know him better, I always ask if we can meet for breakfast in a coffeeshop. This keeps them sober for a full 45 minutes, which makes it easier for me to tell if I might be compatible with them as a prospective friend. When they're drunk, you can never be sure. They spew out so much profanity when they're drunk that it's difficult for me to know what they're like when they are at their deepest and most thoughtful. Austin men tend to be a lot like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. If at all possible, make sure that your interactions with them are during their Dr. Jekyll periods. Otherwise, they might punch you in the face when they're doing their Mr. Hyde imitation in this London of Texas where half the time their head is in a pea-soup fog."




Monday, July 24, 2017

IF I WERE A COMEDIAN---ONE JOB TITLE I WILL NEVER HAVE---I MIGHT USE SOME OF THE FOLLOWING LINES:


--"It's always exciting to watch two young people today getting hot and heavy with each other in public. From what I've observed, they rub the cell phone of one of them against the cell phone of the other. It's safe sex, since no semen results from that cell-phone fornication."


--"I call them cell-phone phoneys. They hold their cell phone in public like a status symbol, when they are secretly worried that someone will call them on their bluff and ask them exactly who is texting to them at that moment and exactly what are they planning to text back in reply?"

--"It's always a thrill to live in a country where everyone on television is always asking, 'Can She Sing?', and I myself am always asking, 'Can She Write Decent Lyrics?' Never in human history have more people been singing so prolifically during a period in which their lyrics were so utterly and completely devoid of human intellect or idealism or redeeming social value."

--"I would define cultural illiteracy today as not knowing how to immediately identify for the Austin Police Department or Travis County District Attorney each of the 10 most commonly smoked or snorted or sniffed or ingested illicit drugs being consumed in big quantities in the Austin, Texas, of today."

--"What Austin, Texas, desperately needs is an Austin Police Department-sponsored workshop for Austin's very finest vigilant private citizens. It would be a workshop that teaches them how to immediately identify correctly each of the 20 most frequently consumed illicit drugs in Austin of today. That workshop will also teach admirably vigilant Austinites why it's urgent for them to call 911 ASAP if they are fairly sure they directly observed evidence of any of the above foreign substances anywhere in this state capital that many refer to as the Drug Den of the Southwest."

--"This state capital's namesake, Stephen F. Austin, would roll over in his grave if he were to learn that Austin, Texas, of today is a leading drug den of the Southwest."


--"I think anyone who lives in the Austin, Texas, of today is inevitably asking himself about the origins of the term 'drug den'. Those two words in combination tell you as much about the heritage of Austin of today as anything else you will ever find here."

--"Austin attracts so many drug addicts as new residents that legend has it that when a newcomer to Austin sees the 'Welcome to Austin' sign and then steps into our city's boundaries for the first time ever, his first question is: 'So where's my free reefer I was promised I would get for joining the Marijuana Community here?'"


--"We have all heard about the national political leader in the United States who promised the American people 'chicken in every pot.' Well, if you live in Austin, Texas, in the year 2017, you might as well change that pledge to 'pot in every chicken'."

--"I don't blame the parents in Austin who hire a drug-sniffing dog to greet any young man wanting to date their daughter. If the dog barks a certain way, this tells the parents that the young man has just failed a drug-sniffing test here in this state capital city. So it turns into an immediate elimi-date situation, you might say."

--"Austin these days has a new Medical School that billionaire Michael Dell financed. And if most Austinites had their way, that Medical School would be required to spend half of its budget on trying to prove that marijuana is a form of medicine."

--"I think everyone wonders where the famous movie 'Reefer Madness' was filmed. To me, Austin is as good a guess as any. You won't find any city with more reefers per capita that have a maddening effect on anyone and everyone who is actually sober and straight."

--"Austinites are among the most oversexed people in America. In fact, one local observer recently quipped that there should be an official City of Austin sign welcoming newcomers here that states, 'Welcome to Sodom and Gonorrhea'."

--"Austin is one city where it's recommended that you never ask a pregnant woman who the lucky father is. 'You're assuming the pregnancy is wanted, and that's an unfair culturally biased assumption you are making,' the pregnant woman may snap at you. 'There is no lucky father, and I'm very definitely NOT a lucky mother. I'm waiting for an abortion."









IF I WERE PAID TO GENERATE POSSIBLE STORY IDEAS FOR A NATIONWIDE NEWSPAPER COVERING THE UNITED STATES, I MIGHT OFFER THE FOLLOWING PROPOSED STORY IDEAS:



---Has there been a trend in the last few decades toward American society publicly praising and financially rewarding American citizens who consume as few fossil fuels as possible in their everyday lives?

---Is there any trend emerging on U-Tube in which various Americans each give a "show-and-tell" speech devoting several minutes or longer to describing the "story" behind each and every one of the tattoos that have been emblazoned on their own bodies?

---Which American sociologist or social psychologist has studied the trend toward an increasing percentage of all Americans having tattoos emblazoned on several organs or parts of their own bodies? How does that sociologist or social psychologist explain the addiction to tattoos by millions of Americans of today, and especially by adult younger Americans?

---Has Columbia University's research center that specializes in the study of addictions added "an addiction to getting tattooed" to that center's list of potentially harmful or very harmful addictions that many Americans develop or sustain?


--Are there any professional artists or art professors who maintain that the trend toward Americans getting tattooed all over their own body bears any similarities to the trend toward Americans pursuing "graffiti art" on the walls of public restrooms or subway stations or public buildings? Are heavily tattooed Americans exponents of a form of "mobile graffiti art", as they may see it, with those heavily tattooed Americans possibly making the statement to anyone and everyone, no matter where they travel to or visit, that "I myself am a Work of Art, and also a Traveling Work of Art since I am human and I walk around and travel quite a bit."

--Does any archaeologist maintain that Americans exhibiting tattoos all over their bodies are possibly exhibiting conscious or subconscious empathy toward 19th Century African-American slaves, who were forced to endure welts on their own body that were inflicted on them by slave-owners wielding branding irons?

--Does any archaeologist maintain that Americans bearing often-cryptic tattoos on their own bodies remind that historical researcher of the symbol-filled and mysterious artworks that ancient persons often pursued on the walls of caves?

--Are there any scholars of the American Presidency who are dreading the day when the first Presidential candidate in the United States announces publicly that he or she is "very proud to have numerous tattoos emblazoned on my own body"? Or has that "historic first" in the history of American Presidential campaigns and American Presidential Primary campaigns already occurred?

---Has the genealogy-DNA-trace service that charges a minimal fee in exchange for a thorough racial and national ancestry DNA trace on a person, triggered an increased ancestral pride for many of the Americans who were not completely sure about their own racial and national ancestry?

---Has the genealogy-DNA-trace service that advertises on television also contributed to a growing awareness by millions of Americans that their own racial ancestry and national ancestry was far more varied than they had previously assumed? Has this modern information from DNA traces played any role in reduced racism or reduced national-heritage or ethnic-heritage chauvinism by many Americans?

---Which U.S. state, if any, has been the most successful at preventing or deterring abuse of "power of attorney authority" by any particular private citizen in that state toward another private citizen in that state?

--What has been the long-term trend in the percentage of all Americans who married an individual whom they had first become acquainted while employed at the same workplace as that person? Are the marriages resulting from "office romances", as they are sometimes called, more likely to fail than other marriages?

--Has there ever been any comprehensive or in-depth nationwide study on Americans of Palestinian ancestry who reside in the United States? What might explain why there has been so little news media attention about the lifestyles and accomplishments and aspirations of Palestinian-Americans of the 21st Century?

--Does any member of Congress want to see federal immigration laws revised to assign high priority to permitting Palestinians in the Middle East to emigrate to the United States?



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WARNING TO AMERICAN MOTORISTS: ONE OF EVERY FIVE DRIVERS FACING YOU ON FRIDAY AND SATURDAY NIGHTS MAY BE DRUNK

That information is contained in the following sentence on page 244 in a book of essays by New York-based American talk-show host Dick Cavett that is entitled "Brief Encounters" ---- a copyright-2014 New York Times book published by Henry Holt and Company of New York City, New York:

"Every bit as disturbing is the statement of a highway patrolman I know that one out of five drivers heading toward you --- or your kids --- in the oncoming lane on Friday and Saturday night is over the intoxication limit. Or, less politely, drunk."

On pages 247-248 of the above-cited book "Brief Encounters", Mr. Cavett offers the following bleak factual statement from one of his readers, "geomurshiva of Cooperstown, New York" (the only citation information for that reader that I was able to find in Mr. Cavett's cited book):

"Being a critical care nurse for a long time, I have seen what alcohol can do to any one of us. We think most often of the long term drinker and the liver failure and the disorientation and the sad last days of coma and the family at the bedside crying so sadly for the loss of another life to booze....But, for most of us serving the sick we cry more for the younger ones who got drunk at a college party and then went driving only to die in a car crash or sustain brain injury and paralysis...."

These two very brief quoted items are excerpts from the essay "Cavett on Booze, Again", that is contained on pages 244 through 248 of Mr. Cavett's refreshingly candid book entitled "Brief Encounters".

The above-cited book is jointly copyrighted by Richard A. (Dick) Cavett and by The New York Times daily newspaper of New York City, New York. Each of the essays in the book "Brief Encounters" originally appeared, "in slightly different form," on the The New York Times's official website, an introductory page for the book states.

This 2017 blog from myself, John Kevin McMillan of Austin, Texas, is being offered as a public-service announcement from my one-member (myself, only, at present) and non-Christian, non-proselytizing, fully independent Progressive Prohibitionist Religion, a new "Honor Society" religious denomination with very stringent membership-eligibility requirements. All of the membership of my own factually-based, implicitly-deistic, non-praying and rational-goal-setting-minded religion (myself, only, at present) permanently abstain on a 24-hour-a-day and year-round basis from consumption of alcohol.

Use of cooking alcohol (cooking sherry or certain types of wine, for instance) inside one's own residence for the preparation of culinary dishes in which the drinking alcohol evaporates during the cooking process, is enthusiastically endorsed by my new religion. This alternative use for some types of alcohol appears to be safe and healthful, and also adds flavor to culinary dishes.

My currently-only-one-approved-member religion also regards it as permissible for membership of my denomination to consume some food products (some mustard products, for instance) in which the quantity of wine, for instance, is only minimal or a "trace" ingredient only, and the alcohol for that reason is cited as the very last item in the ingredients list provided by the food-product's manufacturer. There is no factual evidence I myself have ever obtained which would indicate that this very minimal consumption of a trace of alcohol that's an ingredient in a commercially prepared mustard, would be in any way harmful to one's own liver or overall medical health, or would impair one's judgment or thinking skills or level of alertnesss in any way.

Use of alcohol in cooking inside one's own home is very safe for the entire Progressive Prohibitionist Religion membership (myself, only, at present). This is true partly because my new religion is exclusively for non-alcoholic persons. Any person with a current or prior history of alcohol addiction (or illicit-drug-addiction, for that matter) --- someone who would have been at risk of drinking alcoholic beverages that they might store or keep in their own home --- would NOT qualify for membership in my own Progressive Prohibitionist Religion.

Since my "Honor Society" religion permanently excludes alcoholics and recovering alcoholics from membership, there is absolutely zero risk that a member of my own religion would ever undergo a "relapse" in which he might ever actually drink alcohol ever again at any time or in any context.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

A RANDALL'S (SAFEWAY) MUESLI BREAKFAST CEREAL THAT I LIKE FOR FLAVOR, NUTRITIONAL BENEFIT, AND MEDICAL-HEALTH BENEFIT:

The "Signature Kitchens" Muesli from Safeway that I purchased this month from the nearby Randall's Supermarket contains the following ingredients, among others:

---whole barley;
---wheat bran;
---dates;
---raisins;
---degermed corn meal;
---whole oats;
---almonds;
---rice.

From what I have been told, Muesli-type cereals are very popular in Germany. 


The Muesli product that I purchased is distributed by Better Living Brands, LLC, of Pleasanton, California. The phone number for that American company is 1-888-723-3929.

ADVANTAGES TO THIS PARTICULAR MUESLI BREAKFAST CEREAL:


--Much better flavor and taste than the vast majority of the breakfast cereals with 12 grams of sugar or less per serving, with one serving being definable as two-thirds of a cup;


--A significant share of the sugar content in this cereal comes from the healthful raisins and healthful dates provided in this cereal;

--Offers 210 mg of potassium per serving;

---Contains 4 grams of dietary fiber per serving;

---Contains 5 grams of protein per serving;

---Contains no cholesterol and no saturated fat;

---Contains 100 percent of the minimum daily allowance for Vitamin B6, Folate, and Vitamin B12.

---Contains 15 percent, 20 percent, 25 percent, or 30 percent, depending on the vitamin or mineral, of the minimum daily allowance for Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, Thiamin, Riboflavin (30 percent), Niacin, Phosphorus, Magnesium, and Zinc.




TEN POSSIBLE WAYS YOU CAN TRULY HELP AND TANGIBLY BEFRIEND A GENTLEMAN OR LADY DURING HIS OR HER TEENS OR TWENTIES:

(1) Offer to help that younger person obtain an affordable comprehensive health insurance policy that could save his or her life.

(2) Offer to help pay for the financial expenses they might incur if they ever decide at any time to enroll in an illicit-drug-addiction or licit-drug-addiction or tobacco-addiction or alcohol-addiction treatment program.

(2a) Politely mention to that younger person that you have a "friend" (if true) who is a drug-addiction treatment counselor, and you feel sure that friend of yours would be willing to provide that younger gentleman or lady with a confidential in-person consultation session at that friend's office or clinic.



(3) Find and give that younger person a copy of an incisive and factual book that bears a title such as, "Are You Someone Who Has an Ongoing 'Relationship' with a Drug Dealer, but You Feel Sure That You Yourself 'Have No Ties to Organized Crime'?", with that book exploring the various ways in which a "relationship" with an organized crime dealer can increase a person's risk of being charged with a crime or having extensive ties to organized crime or can pose a safety hazard and health hazard to the "client" of that drug dealer. The factual book or booklet could contain numerous real-life horror stories about cruel and injurious conduct that real-life drug dealers have inflicted on clients of theirs, including the sale to their clients of illicit drugs that the drug dealer knew in advance to be laced with a potentially lethal ingredient that would put their client in an emergency room of a hospital.

(4) Find a factual book of statistics that provides information for the younger person about a wide variety of categories of lifestyle conduct that have each been found to increase the risk of a person being robbed of a full and creatively vital medical longevity or lifespan. Among the high-risk activities that the book might cite, along with statistics on increased risk of dying young or being permanently injured for life from that activity, are: sky-diving; rock-climbing; mountain-climbing; skiing; water-skiing; boxing; race-car driving; riding a motorcycle; jaywalking; jaywalking across a street during a period of heavy traffic; crossing the street late at night while wearing dark clothing; driving above the speed limit on the roadway; binge drinking on a frequent basis; smoking tobacco cigarettes; smoking marijuana cigarettes; and consuming cocaine.

(5) Provide that younger person with a factual information sheet citing each of the medically documented ways in which their obtaining a full eight hours of uninterrupted sleep every night will benefit their own medical and emotional health and intellectual vitality.


(6) Provide that younger person with a factual pamphlet or information sheet that cites each of the ways in which sustaining an unwanted pregnancy or subjecting a female person to an unwanted pregnancy can be harmful to individuals, as well as to others.

(7) Provide that younger person with a factual information sheet about the harmful effects from an addiction to gambling.

(8) Offer to help pay for a comprehensive medical-wellness exam on that younger person by a first-rate medical doctor, with that exam to include tests for each and every possible sexually transmitted disease, including the HIV virus.

(9) Provide that younger person with a factual pamphlet that bears a title such as, "Safety Risks and Medical Health Risks that Anonymous Sex Partners and Pick-up Bars Inflict On Your Own Life."

(10) Offer to help that younger person find a safer vehicle for transporting himself or herself around town, regardless of whether that safer vehicle is a car or a truck, that is also comfortable and consumes as few fossil fuels as possible.

'PROGRESSIVE PROHIBITIONIST RELIGION' IDEA: OFFICIALLY ADOPT THE MEXICAN METHOD FOR DISTINGUISHING BETWEEN THE NUMBER '7' AND THE NUMBER '1'---WITH A SLASH THROUGH THE NUMBER '7' CLEARLY SIGNIFYING THAT IT STANDS FOR 'SEVEN'



My pragmatically idealistic and non-Christian "Progressive Prohibitionist Religion" advocates a change in the way the number "7" is handwritten or typed in the United States.

If there were a slash in the middle of the number "7", this would help to eliminate ambiguity as to whether the number is a "7" or a "1".

Elimination of that ambiguity would help to avoid bookkeeping errors, and errors in reading home addresses -- a potential major financial benefit or lifesaver to millions of Americans.

The proposed official adoption by the U.S. Congress of the method used by Latin American nations in identifying the number "7", will also promulgate the message to the entire world that the U.S.A. is very receptive to clever, helpful ideas and traditions that come from other nations, including from Latin American nations.