Those Ever-Quotable New Yorkers: An Imaginary Sociologist's Audiotaping Adventure in The Big Apple

 ---"One of my favorite questions to ask when I meet someone new  is what do they like the best about Central Park. I learn a lot about that individual based on their  reply."

---"It's against my religion to ask a famous actor for their autograph. That they know how to sign their name proves nothing. Besides, it's the scriptwriters who make these actors look smarter and wiser than they actually are. We should be pursuing the scriptwriters instead and asking them for a clever quip in writing. I wouldn't know how to identify the scriptwriters, though, since you never see their faces when you watch a TV show or movie."

---"Since we never get a crime-free day here, I plan to ask some rich guy to offer an annual award to our City's Mayor or the NYPD Chief for the one total day of the year when the combined overall  24-hour violent crime rate in a variety of categories of violent crime  is the lowest for that entire calendar year."

--"I would like to invite the Crime Report editor to lunch, but I would lose my appetite and couldn't finish my meal  if he gave me the gory details about the heinous crimes he documents in his weekly publication."

---"I don't care how many of my own Friends on Facebook are rich and famous. I take pride in not being a social climber."

---"It is always wise to memorize the first name  and get the phone number for  the  taxi driver you feel the most comfortable with. They will be a lot more reliable for you than the taxi drivers who glare at you as if  you are assumed to be Guilty until proven innocent when you enter that cab."

---"I've never heard of anyone who has never hosted a party. It is unthinkable to not at least fake hospitality on one total day of  your entire adult life. The motif you select will be your intro to the entire city. Everyone will remember you for the rest of your life  by the theme you chose for that social event."

---"My advice to you is to always assume that all of your relationships here are strictly platonic until you have solid evidence indicating otherwise. If he tells you he just  purchased a condom and wants to get to know you better, this is the tangible evidence of Sexual Intent or 'SI', as I call it. SI, in our city, is very similar to 'CI', except that no one gets arrested for it."

---"The ones I distrust the most are the New Yorkers  who never verbalize the word 'love'. I urge you to exclude from your party list anyone you never hear verbalizing the word 'love'."

--"Even if you don't have children of your own, you can always be cited as a Godparent for a Child. The nice thing about being a Godparent is that you are not expected to do anything unless both parents of that child are involved in a fatal car accident while driving to New Jersey. In that worst-case scenario, you would be expected to take over as Legal Guardian for the child."

---"If you do join a dating service here, make doubly sure it has the strictest eligibility criteria of any dating service in this entire multi-state region. No one permitted to register with that  service unless they can prove they do not have any criminal background record."

--"Everyone is asking me for an Oral History Interview. That means I have so many  wrinkles on my face  they identify me as a Walking Archaeological Exhibit. They want an audiotape from me they can shelve somewhere in the 'Profiles of Lesser Known New Yorkers' local history section in the library."

---"One of the secrets to my longevity is that I decline all  invitations  to parties that feature alcohol bring served on an outdoor balcony six floors high or higher."

---"Every time you meet someone who has survived at least 12 consecutive months here, you already know in advance that they have earned a PhD in Criminology, whether figurative or literal."

--"Maybe our civic group should sponsor an annual event at NYU that confers 'Honorable Degrees in Criminology' to the 100 courageously vigilant local citizens who deserve that recognition."

---"One of my favorite survivalism strategies is to invite a criminologist to lunch and then ask him to offer me his expert advice on why  he does not trust the guy or the lady at the dining table closest to our own."

---"Anytime you meet someone who boasts about pursuing a 'Heart-Unhealthy Diet',  that's a clue he or she  is not only self-destructive but could ruin your own health in a matter of weeks or months."

--"Trust your instincts. If the guy you just went out on a date with gave you an intensely homicidal facial expression in a restaurant  for even one second's time while you were talking with him, he's probably a Serial Homme Fatale and is targeting you as his next victim."

---"I try to avoid dating anyone whose last name or first name  I can't even pronounce. We have the most complicated last names and first names in the entire world. A lot of singles here think it makes them intriguing to be undecipherable.  But to me, aloof complexity of that type  is a complete turn-off."

---"One of my favorite questions to ask  at cocktail parties is which shining moment of valor are they proudest of from the multi-decade time period since September 2001?"

---"I was never close to Liz Smith. I had no need for any promos from her."

---"It always makes sense to invite your best professional references to lunch at least once every two years. If you don't, they may claim they don't remember you well enough to praise you to a prospective new employer "

---"It is very hard to meet someone new when you are standing outdoors waiting for the electronic pedestrian traffic sign to tell you you can cross the street. Pedestrians are at a disadvantage because they can barely hear each other outdoors with all the car horns honking."

--"I need to join a local civic group entitled Successful Criminal Law Complainants Association. That will boost my morale while I'm waiting for the genius detectives for NYPD to arrest an obvious suspect for me. Then I can pay a consultant to coach me on how to be successful on the witness stand when the defense attorney tries to make mincemeat out of me.".

--"You need to hire a 'Market Your Genealogy' Specialist. Your being a direct descendant of the Head Chaplain on the Mayflower can help you land a job here if you can identify an employer that is actually white-friendly."

---"Whenever I host a dinner party, I try to highlight agricultural crops from upstate farmers. This impresses guests and reminds them that New York is more than just a City."

--"The Self-Help Videotape I need to buy is one that offers me two hours of expert advice on how to help the Prosecuting Attorney the most successfully  in my frequent role as a witness for the Prosecution here in New York. I need to be the type of unflappable witness who doesn't flinch whenever the defense attorney is cross-examining me."

---"The caliber of the persons you become friends with here is contingent on the caliber of the civic groups you join. The majority of your personal friends here will be members of the civic groups you joined that you like the best."

--"I recommend that you never become a tenant at a 'clothing optional' apartment complex here in Manhattan. If your boss calls you on your cell phone and asks you to go down to your office and work some overtime  hours during your off-duty time, you never want to get caught with your pants down. That phone call could trigger a humiliating  coitus interruptus for you that would also  be traumatic for your  nudist neighbor who's in your bedroom with you. And if your boss ever finds out you live at a clothing-optional complex he might punish you by firing you or refusing to promote you to a higher-paying position. The corporate hierarchy for your employer will equate your leisuretime nudism with evidence you are too obscenely sexaholic and emotionally unstable and weirdly eccentric to be able to conduct yourself in a platonicly polite and professional manner at company-sponsored training workshops or awards banquets."

---"It is very rare in this city to not have an attorney on retainer at all times. It is a bit like an insurance policy that helps you prevent worst-case scenarios from getting out of control. And that attorney on retainer is someone you need to be polite to whenever you interact with him. Otherwise he might drop you from his client list like a hot potato. You could then get mired in an unexpected legal crisis with no law firm that knows your situation."

---"It is impossible to be too  paranoid here in The City. But it is possible to be NOT PARANOID ENOUGH. Even Your 'Welcome Mat' greeting message on the floor in front of your apartment unit should be worded very carefully to avoid coming across as overly trusting. The Best Welcome Mat when you live here will say something like 'Please Show Proof You Are Who You Say You Are'."

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