Imaginary Conversations Among New Yorkers That Were Overheard By Me

 ---"The only barrier I face to dialing 911 and giving NYPD a crime tip is that I have lost a lot of my eyesight in the last 10 years. I dread hearing the Dispatcher snap at me from his end of the phone line with  'Look Lady, are you blind? You can't even tell me the suspect's approximate age or height, nor can you tell me the color of the shirt they are wearing or the exact crime scene address. Your report is completely useless to NYPD!'"

---"My  attorney wants to use a Smog Visual- Impairment-Defense Strategy for me when my case goes to trial. My attorney will use that strategy to explain why I shot the wrong person in self-defense when I opened my front door and thought it was the guy on the right holding a gun outdoors in front of my home when it was actually the guy on the left. I am trying to get my attorney to instead use a Dyslexia Defense for me, since I'm convinced that will be more persuasive with the jury. I maintain that because of my doctor-diagnosed Dyslexia I got my left  side mixed up with my right side when I tried to defend my home while standing outdoors on my front porch. And the  smog outdoors also had a role in my getting confused about who to shoot at on my front porch, I want my defense  attorney to use those lines of strategy in getting a 'Not Guilty' Verdict from the jury."

---"The only kind of Taffy I can eat on Coney Island is high-fiber Stevia-sweetened taffy with a zero- sodium salt substitute. These are the most recent orders I got from my cardiologist."

---"I wonder what they are going to rename Trump Towers as after Our Genius Ex-President ends up in prison for the next 10 years."

---"The kind of attorney I need is an attorney who despises the hellishly chaotic  conditions that  Scooter riders have inflicted on the everyday lives of outdoor pedestrians like me." 

---"I need an attorney who can win a multi-billion dollar lawsuit settlement against the scooter companies that drives them all  out of business. I plan to place an ad in the American Bar Association magazine for a litigation  attorney fitting that description."

--"Every time I walk outdoors on the sidewalk I get a chance to compare what everyone else is wearing for a perfume versus my brand. I win about 80 percent of those competitions, but I still feel deflated  20 percent of the time when  I like her scent better than mine."

---"No one has ever told me that any of my crime tips to NYPD ever  got a drug dealer arrested. I have tried for years to achieve that major goal as a vigilant local  citizen. But I never see a photo of  the suspect I described to NYPD appear  on the front page of the 'Daily News' a day later, accompanied by  my dream headline for him of  'Narcotics Demon Nabbed'."

---"I would like to see some local news media company offer a 'Former Drug Dealer of the Week' feature story. This could help to remind everyone that we shouldn't demonize ALL of our city's Drug Dealers. Possibly one percent of them are capable of turning over a new leaf. I like that optimistic message, it protects you from getting too cynical."

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