OVERHEARD IN NEW YORK: A SEMI-FICTIONAL EAVESDROPPER'S REPORT FROM A FORMER RESIDENT OF BOSTON NOW RESIDING IN TEXAS

---"As a new resident here, I am still not comfortable about referring to it as 'The Garden'. When I visit Madison Square Garden, I want my friends and relatives to know that I'm referring to that particular garden, not any other garden here. And besides which, no botanist in his right mind would ever refer to Madison Square Garden as a garden. There's nothing botanically significant about Madison Square Garden. Nothing ever blooms there."

--"I agree with you that it's very important NOT to turn into yet another ultra-glib New Yorker. When I refer to that famous public place, I will make a point of calling it the 'James and
Dolly Madison Square Garden', for the sake of being as precise and non-glib as possible."

--"We have an urgent need for a 'New Yorkers Against Glib Talk' non-profit group. I would be glad to serve as their first president, if we get enough members to make it worth my time."

---"Was it James Madison or Dolly Madison who lent their name to Madison Square Garden? As a newcomer here, I need to read more about the history of New York in order to find out the answer to that question."

---"You remind me of a terrific idea for a best-selling non-fiction book. The book would be entitled, 'Everything You Always Wanted to Know about New York City, but were Afraid to Ask.'"

--"To me, anyone who has lived in New York City for at least three months should be legally required to enroll in and pass an academic course entitled, 'Modern History of New York City'. This would help to promote more intelligent commentary about the city we're in."

---"Are you completely sure that Mayor La Guardia had no ties to the Mafia? When it comes to mayors of New York with Italian surnames, I subscribe to the view that they were definitely in bed with the Mafia unless proven otherwise by historians. When it comes to our mayors, they were guilty of any rumor I hear about them until proven innocent. That's my philosophy."

---"I've lived here for six years, and I still don't know what the favorite Italian dish of Mayor LaGuardia was. You'd think the least we could do to honor that great mayor would be to use some of his favorite recipes in our cooking efforts inside our home kitchen. There may well be a LaGuardia Lasagna Recipe that I could find if I check with whoever is designated as the official Culinary History expert for our city."

---"Your flair for alliteration reminds me that it's just as 
likely there's a LaGuardia Lobster dish, with the lobster cooked Italian-style, that our late mayor would want everyone to remember him by."

---"I have never once eaten a lobster dish in any of the Italian restaurants. Of course it makes sense to put tomato sauce on lobster meat, but for some reason have never tried that dish in an Italian restaurant. When I eat lobster, I get it regular style at the Red Lobster chain restaurant."

---"I love the idea of New Yorkers being banished from our city immediately after they fail an academic course on the Modern History of New York. To me, no one should be allowed to live here if they can't even pass a course on that subject. But to be fair about it, maybe the banishment should occur only after they have failed that course on two consecutive occasions. This would give them a fair chance before they're forced to walk the plank by moving to Schenectady. I mention that city as a banishment destination because it's a bit of a tongue-twister, and even saying the town's name feels like torture."

---"I should check to find out who the Yale professor is who teaches a course on the Modern History of New York City. It would be interesting to find out how many years that professor has lived in New York."

---"I would order lobster more often in our restaurants, but I get snapped at all day by other New Yorkers and I have this intense fear that the lobster served to me at my dining table will be alive and actually snap at me as I attempt to eat it."

---"With all the famous mayors we've had here, it surprises me we don't have a 'Mayors' Day' city holiday here every year. On that day, all New Yorkers could be invited to visit the cemetery where their favorite mayor is buried, in order to lay a wreath on his tombstone."

---"A Mayors' Day celebration would quickly identify which mayors of our city's history are the least beloved or the least remembered today. I can almost imagine the headline in the Daily News: 'Mayor Such and Such Snubbed on Mayors' Day: No Wreaths Placed on His Tombstone!' Or maybe the headline in the Daily News would read: 'New Yorkers Refuse to Honor Deceased Mayor on Mayors' Day!' Another possible headline in the Daily News might be: 'Infamy from the Grave: Deceased Mayor 'Unworthy of a Wreath', New Yorkers Declare'".

---"Of all the mayors of New York City, who do you believe had the most Hollywoodesque style? To me, I would cite Mayor Lindsay. But I can't even remember his first name, and during his term of office I never once thought of asking him for his autograph. He looked a bit like the famous Hollywood actor who appeared in 'The Candidate' many years ago. But now I don't even remember which actor that was. I believe it was possibly Robert Redford, and that movie was a satirical expose of a political candidate."