OVERHEARD IN NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK: A SEMI-FICTIONAL EAVESDROPPER'S REPORT AS IMAGINED BY A FORMER RESIDENT OF THE BOSTON AREA NOW RESIDING IN TEXAS

----"My cardiologist says that unless I can eat cheesecake that's down to 0.5 gram of saturated fat per serving, I am prohibited from enjoying our official city cake. Maybe I should contact my cardiologist's nurse and ask her if she has any recipe for very-low-saturated-fat cheesecake. It makes sense to eat cheesecake at least once per month, since it would feel unpatriotic here not to celebrate our Official City Cake on a regular and year-round basis. At least, I'm assuming this is our Official City Cake. Maybe I should check our New York City Almanac online, if there is an online reference book with that title that I can quickly consult for this info I need. There probably was a City Council vote several decades ago that made Cheesecake our Official City Cake."

--"You remind me. I'm assuming that our City Council meetings generally feature a Cheesecake-slicing tradition in which each Council member is invited to specify whether he wants a sliver or a bigger slice of New York's finest cheesecake, with an official City
Government of New York slicer then handing out cheesecake slices to each Council member based on their requested size. If there is no such cheesecake-eating event at our Council meetings, it would be a squandered opportunity for promoting our city's most marketable item---our cheesecake. The other point is that the cheesecake-eating portion of our meetings might promote greater harmony among Council members when the meeting resumes. This would promote a higher success rate on proposed new ordinances getting approved by our City Council."

---"Which month of the year do you think is the best for hosting a cheesecake party here? I'm assuming that summer is best, since cheesecake tends to be served cold. But maybe I'm mistaken. Maybe there is a place for a heated cheesecake, which might make it ideal when the temperature is 5 degrees below zero outside."

---"When I look at all the rampant chaos and criminal mischief throughout our city, I can't decide if it was the Joker, Cat Woman, or the Penguin who inflicted all of that on our city. This is assuming that we are, in fact, the mythical Gotham City where Batman reigns."

---"There might be a market for Gotham City postcards, featuring photographs of New York combined with mug shots of the Joker, Cat Woman, and the Penguin. It would be funny to write 'Wish you were here' on those postcards, then send the card to a relative of yours who adores Batman."

--"Maybe there should be a Gotham City amusement park that gives kids a chance to ride in the Batmobile. That type of commercial venture could bring millions of tourist dollars to our city every year."

---"My primary worry about the proposed Gotham City amusement park here is that it might encourage all the children of New York to pretend they're Batman or Robin and fight crime on their own without calling 911. It would be very tragic if the youths of our city put on a cape and tried to fight crime on their own. Vigilanteeism is flagrantly illegal, and the crime suspect is likely to get very violent when cornered by a caped-crusader child. Instead, our city's children need to remember to simply dial 911 and briefly describe the crime scene they observed to a 911 dispatcher who will then send actual officers to the scene."

---"This is all based on the assumption that their parents are not around to make that phone call for our city's admirably vigilant children and teenagers."