Monday, April 3, 2017


---"I need to make a list of each previously-non-glamorous borough that has turned into a chic and trendy place because of a fictional television series. Maybe we need a new fictional TV show set in the Bronx, so everyone will be talking about the tide of Bronx Chic that has swept our entire nation."

---"What I need is a New York City Alphabet Soup dictionary. Of course I know that NYPD means New York Police Department. But I am often completely baffled by the dozens of truly cryptic cases of alphabet soup I'm subjected to here on a year-round basis. And often the alphabet soup we assume to be completely correct, proves to be a false cognate. 

"For instance, I was told recently that I can't refer to Kennedy International Airport as KIA, since everyone might incorrectly assume I am referring to a KIA auto dealership. I have no need to visit any KIA dealership, since I own and drive a Volvo, my primary insurance policy against appearing in the Obit section of the Times anytime in the next 20 years. Maybe I should take on this proposed Alphabet Soup in New York book project and hope it turns into a best-seller."

---"I would love to find out the hour of the morning, such as 4 a.m., when you hear the least amount of honking on Fifth Avenue. I plan to set my alarm clock for that honk-free hour as determined in advance, and then immediately jump out of bed to throw a quick Quiet Hour Party for 30 minutes inside my condo unit. 

"In keeping with the theme of my party, all of my invited guests could be asked to communicate exclusively through facial expressions and hand gestures. My only rule will be that all of the hand gestures must be friendly. 
"Otherwise, our Quiet Hour Party could turn into a rage-filled and very loud fistfight at 4:10 a.m. inside my condo unit! And we would then be subjected to a massive assault on our eardrums in the form of NYPD squad cars with sirens blaring as they arrive at our condo complex to arrest half of my party guests----and probably even myself as the host held responsible for it all!"

---"I finally came up with a great idea for a new book on New York City. What about a non-fiction book entitled, 'Famous Likable Misanthropes of New York', with my first chapter devoted to profiling Woody Allen."

---"If you want to find out more about the alleged Russian plots to rig our American political system, you should hang out at the Russian Tea Room here with a high-powered tape-recorder hidden inside your jacket at all times."

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