Saturday, January 14, 2017


---Everyone is wondering what the theme will be for the very first White House Conference our new president, Mr. Trump, will be sponsoring. That one is easy. It will be called the 'White House Conference on How to Reverse the Aging Process', since Donald reportedly likes being the reigning czar for our entire country so much that he plans to make a bid for re-election at age 74.

---Rumor has it that President Trump plans to draw from his own wealth in order to make the White House 15 floors in height. It seems he wants to rename the place as Trump Towers D.C.

---Many people have asked me to describe the religion of our new head of state, Donald Trump. I have done some research on that subject and I've got the answer for you. He's Eastern-Unorthodox. In fact, he's so unorthodox that he's declared himself the head of that religion in order to immediately re-define what is moral and virtuous conduct whenever he gets accused of violating the law or being unethical in the White House.

---Everyone is asking how our new President, Donald Trump, is going to prove to the entire world that he isn't turning the U.S. into a satellite state of Russia. My guess is that he will get on his White House hotline with the Kremlin and ask for advice from his friend Vladmir on a public-policy action that Donald could take that might give the impression to Western countries that Donald is NOT a puppet with Vladimir Putin as his puppeteer. Then when Putin offers advice on that subject, Donald will announce in a specially televised speech the action he plans to take to publicly demonstrate that America has NOT turned into a satellite state of Russia. And that televised speech will be greeted with laughter throughout the entire Kremlin so heavy that that entire building in Moscow is rocking with gleeful and triumphant delight.

---Many people are not aware that Donald Trump plans to open up a Trump Resort in Georgia. I'm talking about the Russian Georgia, not the one found in the U.S. He will do that through one of his relatives, to avoid any perceived conflict of interest for our new head of state as he attempts to prove that he is not a puppet of Vladimir Putin.

---Isn't it special to have a new U.S. President who always reminds you of a culinary dish that can be found in eastern Europe. I'm referring, of course, to Hungarian Goulash. Everything in his Administration is a Hodge Podge of billionaire-sourced ingredients that each sparkle like diamonds and remind you of Zsa Zsa Gabor in the midst of one of her dozens of divorces.

---Everyone is dreading the day when it turns out that Donald Trump has so many relatives in Eastern Europe that one of them will prove to be a gypsy who insists on paying an official visit to President Trump. When that gypsy relative walks out of the White House after being an invited overnight guest, it's likely that the total financial value of the valuables stolen from the White House during the nighttime, valuables that will be hidden in that gypsy's underwear, will total $100 million. That is nothing to Donald, though, since he's a billionaire and he will make every effort to avoid embarrasing his gypsy relative from Eastern Europe.

---I think everyone is eager to find out what President Trump will offer as a present to his friend Vladimir when Putin visits the White House during the first week of Donald's presidency. Since Donald is a billionaire, my guess is that he will draw from his own personal wealth to give Vladimir Putin a gold key to the White House that the Russian leader can use whenever he wants to be in bed with Donald. That happens to be every day of the year, as it turns out, since Donald can be very hospitable. In fact, I don't know of any previous U.S. President who has ever been MORE in bed with a top Russian leader than Donald Trump clearly is.

---For all the talk about who Donald Trump plans to appoint for cabinet secretaries and Supreme Court Justice, the biggest question, to me, is who will he pick for his official White House Chef?

Many of us are worried that Donald Trump's close friend in Moscow, Vladimir Putin, will insist on sending a Russian chef based in the Kremlin's kitchen to serve as Donald's official White House Chef.

The disadvantage with that is that the minute the U.S. has a conflict with the Russian Government, that chef whom Mr. Putin offers to Mr. Trump at a reduced-rubles rate may put poison in President Trump's food or beverages before serving them to our American chief of state.

Just imagine the possibilities for mega-disaster. 

A poisoned Russian Cabbage soup could mean Assassination by Ingestion. And the resulting atomic war between the United States and Russia would get called the "Great Atomic Russian Cabbage Soup War".

That war, incidentally, will most certainly end all of human civilization except in Australia, where promoters of the annual Australian Open professional tennis tournament will be relieved to learn that they are guaranteed of an Australian-born men's and ladies' champion for the first time in decades.

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