"It's odd that the Times does not have any cartoonists, the way The New Yorker does. With Donald Trump as our new president, there's a greater need than ever for an an oped-page cartoonist at the Times who presents the full ridiculousness of Donald every week."
"If you ever see President Trump wearing a purple shirt at a press conference, that tells you immediately that he's mounted the throne as self-appointed royalty in the White House. Purple is a royal color, and Trump wearing purple means he expects everyone to address him as 'Your Majesty'. Or maybe he'll want us to address him as 'King Donald', and he'll be talking suddenly about his quote end-quote 'divine right' to serve as President for as long as he wishes."
"Trump is so pathetic that he reminds me of a city guy trying to pass for a cowboy on a mechanical bull inside a nightclub. He'll be very, very lucky if he can continue his mechanical bull ride attempt in the White House for 1,460 consecutive days. He's definitely not a cowboy, and he's much more likely to be thrown off his mechanical bull a matter of a hours after he mounts it."
"When Trump gets kicked out of the Presidency, which should have already happened, I'll need to know the name of the guy who replaces Trump. It's something like Pence, or Penitent, and I say that because I'm Catholic and the word 'Penitent' is always on my mind; but I don't believe it's either of those two. Maybe if I google the terms 'vice president' and '2017', I'll actually memorize that heir-apparent's name before he replaces Donald in the Presidency. This is how you prove you're a savvy insider: when you're prepared to say 'President Pence' all of a sudden, or whatever his name is."
"I finally figured out who bought out the company I work for. The new boss hosted a dinner party last week for my coworkers and me, and all he gave me to eat the food with was a pair of chopsticks. I immediately knew it was a hostile takeover by a Japanese corporate giant."
"This is the first city I ever lived in where I actually feel guilty if my apartment unit takes up more than 500 square feet. In the back of my mind I'm hearing all the other New Yorkers shouting at me, 'So why did you rob us of space we needed for our own apartment unit?'"
"I finally figured out how to overcome my problem of always getting behind in my reading. I will start by reading the last five pages of each book I want to read. This gives me the confidence that I made it all the way to the final words of the last chapter. I generally don't have time for the 10 chapters before that final chapter, but at least I know what it is like to have reached the summit of that mountain I attempted to climb through that book. And the view from up there, at the peak of that mountain, is a great feeling of conquest in the wilderness."
"About the only ancestry you won't find here in New York is Albanian. The Albanians tend to stay where they are in eastern Europe, and everyone in New York is grateful for that."
"So if your company was eaten up in a hostile take-over bid, why do you feel a need to smile inside your workplace? Wouldn't it be more appropriate to glare back at your new boss? Or are you worried that you might be subjected to a hostile 'you're fired' pink slip message from your new boss, if you glare back at him?"
"If you ever see President Trump wearing a purple shirt at a press conference, that tells you immediately that he's mounted the throne as self-appointed royalty in the White House. Purple is a royal color, and Trump wearing purple means he expects everyone to address him as 'Your Majesty'. Or maybe he'll want us to address him as 'King Donald', and he'll be talking suddenly about his quote end-quote 'divine right' to serve as President for as long as he wishes."
"Trump is so pathetic that he reminds me of a city guy trying to pass for a cowboy on a mechanical bull inside a nightclub. He'll be very, very lucky if he can continue his mechanical bull ride attempt in the White House for 1,460 consecutive days. He's definitely not a cowboy, and he's much more likely to be thrown off his mechanical bull a matter of a hours after he mounts it."
"When Trump gets kicked out of the Presidency, which should have already happened, I'll need to know the name of the guy who replaces Trump. It's something like Pence, or Penitent, and I say that because I'm Catholic and the word 'Penitent' is always on my mind; but I don't believe it's either of those two. Maybe if I google the terms 'vice president' and '2017', I'll actually memorize that heir-apparent's name before he replaces Donald in the Presidency. This is how you prove you're a savvy insider: when you're prepared to say 'President Pence' all of a sudden, or whatever his name is."
"I finally figured out who bought out the company I work for. The new boss hosted a dinner party last week for my coworkers and me, and all he gave me to eat the food with was a pair of chopsticks. I immediately knew it was a hostile takeover by a Japanese corporate giant."
"This is the first city I ever lived in where I actually feel guilty if my apartment unit takes up more than 500 square feet. In the back of my mind I'm hearing all the other New Yorkers shouting at me, 'So why did you rob us of space we needed for our own apartment unit?'"
"I finally figured out how to overcome my problem of always getting behind in my reading. I will start by reading the last five pages of each book I want to read. This gives me the confidence that I made it all the way to the final words of the last chapter. I generally don't have time for the 10 chapters before that final chapter, but at least I know what it is like to have reached the summit of that mountain I attempted to climb through that book. And the view from up there, at the peak of that mountain, is a great feeling of conquest in the wilderness."
"About the only ancestry you won't find here in New York is Albanian. The Albanians tend to stay where they are in eastern Europe, and everyone in New York is grateful for that."
"So if your company was eaten up in a hostile take-over bid, why do you feel a need to smile inside your workplace? Wouldn't it be more appropriate to glare back at your new boss? Or are you worried that you might be subjected to a hostile 'you're fired' pink slip message from your new boss, if you glare back at him?"
"I'm not looking forward to all the stories I'll be hearing about which restaurants of Manhattan are Trump's favorites. I think I'll stay away from those restaurants, to avoid any situation in which President Trump might ever expect me to shake hands with him."
"My friend Sally has calculated that she earns 1-millionth the income that Donald Trump apparently earns each year through his business career. To me, it's a bit masochistic of Sally to dwell on that point. It's not like she's one millionth the person that Donald Trump is. If she ran for President, I would definitely vote for Sally before I'd vote for Trump. To me, Sally deserves millions of votes, millions of hugs from her admirers, let's put it that way."
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