WIT AND WISDOM OF NEW YORKERS: A SEMI-FICTIONAL EAVESDROPPER'S REPORT FROM APRIL 2019

---"Just think, someday all the tourists will want to visit King Donald's birthplace."

---"I wonder what percentage of our young people of today can spell the word 'Adirondack'. If that were the only question on a pop test, the majority of our high school students would fail the test. I find that very sobering, when you consider this is one of our state's biggest mountain ranges."

---"I keep hoping for an Underarm Stick Deodorants Fair here in which admission is free and I get to sniff each of the scents of every brand on display in order to decide which scent and brand is my personal favorite. I have an urgent need for that type of stick-deodorants fair in Manhattan because I've often wondered whether the one I'm wearing possibly has a repulsive scent to it when it's actually combined with the body heat and metabolism traits from my underarms. A lot of people appear to wince when I'm standing near them at the subway station. And last year I landed zero romantic dates in Manhattan, a feat that is virtually impossible to achieve here. I also had zero job offers from prospective new employers last year, even though I went to 10 exploratory interviews. I will feel much more confident about having the right scent for my own body if I attend a fair of this type and then switch to a new brand. Attending the fair should boost my romantic life and career, after which maybe I could get paid to do a TV commercial for the stick-deodorant company that helped me turn my life around! I'd become world-famous as the phenomenal success story that occurred overnight after I made a simple change to what I dabbed on my underarms!"

---"I wish I could file a deceptive trade practices lawsuit against the makers of stick deodorant products. When they promise that their product offers a scent from the 'Arctic', how in the world are they going to replicate the scent of the outdoors at the Arctic Circle? When they promise an 'Extreme Blast', the vagueness and slyness of that promised scent is also unbearable to me. When I think of an Extreme Blast, it conjures up for me the image of a blast of dynamite. And that would definitely not appeal to my nostrils!"

--"It's an exercise in futility to be standing in the stick-deodorants section of a store, removing the cap from one of the options and then attempting to sniff through the foil liner in order to determine exactly what that underarm deodorant will smell like! I don't have the option of removing the foil liner until after I've purchased the product. And by then, my chances are only about 50-50 that what I bought will actually smell good to myself and others when I wear it dabbed to my underarms."

---"Me, I rely on word of mouth with male friends and relatives and coworkers. If they smell good and it's not from cologne or the brand of soap they used, I will discreetly ask that gentleman I know to please tell me the name of the stick-deodorant product he used that day. But if I tried to pose that same question to a complete stranger, he might punch me in the face. So this is definitely NOT the type of question you should ever pose to a complete stranger---certainly not here in New York, where people get easily offended."

---"My eight-year-old son Eric had a cute comment the other day. He asked me whether Christopher Columbus was the founder of Columbia University? I had to tell my son that Columbus wasn't  alive at the time when Columbia was first established. I did add, though, that Columbus does live on through the school's current name, since Columbia University was in fact named after Columbus. That seemed to put a smile on Eric's face. Columbus is one of his favorite heroes."

---"My own son, Dexter, told me he was sure there was a 'Bogota Room' at Columbia University, since that Ivy League school was obviously named after the legendary South American nation. My son then asked me if I know the day of the year when the annual 'Columbian' Foods Festival is held at Columbia University. Dexter said he would love to try 'Columbian' food, which would be a first time ever for him, he said. I had to explain to Dexter that the school name is spelled with a 'u', the other is spelled with an 'o'. Now he's more confused than ever. He says maybe the 'u' in Columbia University was a typographical error that never got fixed, since that school probably has lots of South American heritage to it like a coffee plantation on the campus."


---"My older brother says he's investing heavily in Canadian real estate, but I'm much more inclined to invest in upstate New York. The question is, WHERE in upstate New York? Do you know of any city or county in upstate New York that you believe has great potential, from a real estate standpoint?"

--"Do you know of any 'Hire a Cardiologist' escort service in which he'd accompany me whenever I dine out here? I'm talking about an escort who would give me immediate info after we sit down together about which dishes on the menu are the MOST LIKELY to put me in the cardiac ward of a hospital. Then after those menu options are eliminated, he would remind me of which of the remaining menu items are the LEAST likely to put me in a hospital. The fee I'd pay for each outing would depend on whether I felt any chest pains after we dined together. No chest pains, and I increase the hourly rate I pay by $20 for his life-saving assistance."

---"I think I appreciate Washington Square all the more these days. Today, I see the square as honoring a U.S. President who actually showed restraint and modesty in his public statements."

---"As much as I admire these professional tennis players, I feel there's an urgent need for a follow-up study to find out how many of them during their retirement years develop an addiction to alcohol or illicit drugs. Maybe there should be some special post-retirement employment service for tennis players that helps to match retired tennis players to a fun and exciting new career that will be almost as enjoyable as their years on the pro tennis circuit were. If those retired players are feeling fulfilled in a new career, they'd be a lot less likely to develop an addiction."

---"Every time I dine in a chain restaurant these days, I'm given the opportunity to embrace a great charitable cause. It almost gives me goosebumps, I feel so proud of putting quarters into the collection bin for the sake of goodness. When I dine at Wendy's, I always enjoy  sensing that the money I spend there is helping to match foster children to a nice adoptive family. I guess that makes me a philanthropist."

---"Actually, I think the term 'philanthropist' generally refers to a rich person. Your gross income last year was about $20,000, from what you told me, so the most you can claim is that you PLAN to become a philanthropist someday, if you ever win the state lottery. And your chances of winning that are slim to none."

---"Personally, I admire the boldness of the In-N-Out Burger chain restaurants' year-round campaign to end child abuse with help from customer donations. Many of the In-N-Out Burger customers are aware of having physically abused their own children, so it takes a lot of guts for In-N-Out to endorse that cause. That California-based chain may lose some of the customers who think they're being castigated as they attempt to eat their burger. 'Why should I patronize a chain that is trying to get me arrested for child abuse?', those customers may be asking."

---"What I need on a year-round basis is a consultant who will help me to identify which of the New Yorkers I meet are pathological liars. I think all of us are afraid of getting involved with a pathological liar and then being defrauded of lots of money."

---"Living in New York is a year-round invitation to define the difference between a pathological liar and a non-pathological liar. As for the honest New Yorkers, they comprise such a tiny percentage of the residents that I am always completely amazed when I meet someone of that caliber."

---"So how many times per year does your doctor say you should get a routine chest X-ray? I think every New Yorker has an urgent need for medical advice on that subject."

--"I wish I could find a Patron Saint of Lungs, since I want to worship that deity on a year-round basis. Everyone knows that it's your lungs here that are always your most vulnerable organ. If I worship a Lung God, maybe I'll avoid getting lung cancer."

---"Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love from ancient Greek religion, might quality as a Lung Goddess. The sketches of her I've seen all indicate she had very nice lungs. So maybe you should be worshiping Aphrodite on a year-round basis."

---"Personally, I'm a big believer in air purifiers inside your home. I can't imagine living here without a first-rate air-purifier system."

---"I find it ironic that most of the New Yorkers who ridicule our legislators are not willing to actually visit Albany and listen to our lawmakers debating a bill. My response to anyone who sneers at our legislators is that they as a critic need to visit Albany and see the lawmakers up close. It could change their outlook, since they might then identify the lawmakers who AREN'T incompetent, AREN'T corrupt, and AREN'T superficial. Maybe there should be an annual bipartisan AREN'T AWARDS banquet for each of the legislators in Albany who fit that admirably 'TRIPLE-AREN'T' description."