THE LATEST IMAGINARY EAVESDROPPER'S REPORT FROM NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK:

---"Lately I've developed this intense phobia that if I'm walking near a skyscraper in Manhattan, it will suddenly collapse and fall on top of me. The New York Post article about my demise will label me as a freak. The article will bear the headline: 'New Yorker Killed by Freak Accident!'. That's my fear, anyway. But I should keep in mind that the Post headline might instead be, 'New Yorker Buried Alive', without the term 'freak accident' appearing in the headline. This is somewhat reassuring to me, to sense that I won't be labeled a freak in that type of situation."

--"I agree with you 100 percent. I think every New Yorker worries he might perish in a freak accident here, and the news media accounts will all attach the word 'freak' to their news coverage of his own death. That very thought freaks me out so much that I'm totally freaked out about it all. I take great pride in NOT being a freak, and in being totally freaked out by all the New Yorkers who ARE freaks!"

---"One certainty about being a New Yorker is that everywhere I go here, a significant percentage of the other residents of this city will label me as a 'freak'. It's a bit like having a Freak Fan Club, wherever I go in the Big Apple."

---"I'm very surprised we don't have a 'History of Freak Accidents' history museum and research archives here in New York. It would definitely attract millions of tourists every year, and it would bring in lots of tourism dollars for our entire city."

--"Another possibility is that we could get a 'History of Human Freaks' museum and archives here in New York. Among the famous freaks of world history would be Rasputin. I believe he was close to 7 feet tall, and he definitely freaked out lots of Russians. And Mayor La Guardia might possibly qualify for an exhibit in this type of museum, since he was obviously the shortest mayor we have ever had. He was freakishly short, it seems fair to say. I'm amazed he got elected, since it must have been very difficult for him to reach high enough up to shake hands with the voters during the mayoral campaign."

--"I was treated like a freak so much during my childhood here that whenever my family took me to the Barnum and Bailey circus in town, I would always ask to see the freak midgets among the circus performers. I found it very reassuring to look at them up close and sense that I was myself LESS freakish than they themselves were."

---"There are days when I feel this inexplicable kinship toward everyone else in New York who also works on the 20th floor of a skyscraper. I gaze out of my own office's 20th-story window and try to imagine shaking hands with the 20th-floor occupants in the skyscraper I see that's about 50 yards from my own office building."

--"Maybe you should organize a social club for New Yorkers who work on the 20th floor of an office building here. You could call it the 20th Floor Club, and you could hold your monthly meetings on the 20th floor of a building where civic groups are allowed to meet."

---"My husband, Harold, has a hobby of collecting audiotapes and videotapes of each and every 'State of the City'-type address that each mayor of New York has delivered in the last 75 years. Harold loves to watch those videotapes over and over again, since they bring tears to his eyes, especially the early 1970s speech in which a mayor famously announced that New York City was bankrupt."

---"Personally, I would love to find a museum or special library here with a full audiotapes and videotapes collection that highlight each of the greatest, and the worst, speeches about the Big Apple that mayors of New York have delivered in the most recent 100-year period."

--"I always hate it when I'm politely waiting for a subway only to have some wise guy about 15 feet away from me point toward me and loudly declare to his relative standing beside him, 'That's a prime example of why I'm very sure the overall caliber of our city's residents has declined a lot in recent years!"

--"You are very wrong if you think you are the only New Yorker who gets insulted on a daily basis. The other day I was minding my own business waiting for a subway train, when I suddenly see this well-dressed college freshman sneering as he points toward me from 20 feet away. 'Just another example of the many Undesirables our city is notorious for,' the college freshman loudly declares to his teenage male friend."

--"Maybe there's a need for an Insulted New Yorkers Association. We could get together each month and trade stories about how we were each very badly and very rudely insulted in the most recent 30-day period. Every meeting, the New Yorker with the best story about being insulted would get a special award, such as a free meal at a local restaurant where the waiters specialize in verbally assaulting their customers."

--"To me, you cannot survive here unless you have mastered the art of the clever rejoinder. Otherwise, you will be completely destroyed by all the put-downs you get here. I plan to contact the superintendent of the public schools here and ask that each public school teach elementary-school children how to respond with clever one-liners after they get verbally abused by another New Yorker. The only disadvantage I can foresee to that type of training in the public schools is that clever replies could result in a punch in their face by the New Yorker who had verbally abused them."

--"I have always wondered whether any of the Yankees fans who catch a baseball in the stands with their raw hands ever ends up in the emergency room from getting his hand broken. To me, that would be a very sad story for 'The Post' to cover, if they had a reporter ready to interview each baseball fan seconds after he was injured from catching a baseball with his raw hands in Yankee Stadium."

--"I think it would be hilariously funny if some romantic couple here asked to have their wedding inside a subway car, with that ceremony featuring a simulation of what it's like to get mugged on the subway. To me, it makes good sense to start off your marriage with a satirical sketch of that type."