Wednesday, July 26, 2017


--"Austin is the only city in Texas where, if you visit a bakery to order a brownie, you have to specify to the store clerk that 'I am looking for a brownie without any marijuana inside'."

---"I will tell you the most common mistake that Austinites who drink alcohol make that can get them in trouble with the law. They forget that it's illegal indecent exposure for them to urinate outdoors on public property. If anyone happens to glance at them from the wrong angle when they are mysteriously standing near a bush at 3 a.m. and then dials 911, the public urinator could end up in jail if a police officer gets there in time to catch them in the act. 

"This is assuming, of course, that a police officer is already standing nearby at the time, such as along East Sixth Street at 3 a.m. on a weekend.
"Austin men can avoid spending time in jail for exhibiting their penis in public if they would just remember to keep their trousers on whenever they feel an urge to urinate at 3 a.m. at night and they're standing outdoors. Even if lots of urine suddenly leaks out and gushes onto the ground, no APD officer will arrest them for having a leak in their pants at 3 a.m. in the morning. After all, the urinator can use the excuse that he had a very mysterious and sudden onset of bladder-control problems at age 21, and he plans to consult a urologist about it."

---"A friend of mine recently visited Austin and told me he wanted to know why nearly all the men in Austin wear beards these days. I told him they're all members of a secret society called 'Admirers of Abraham Lincoln'. It was the best answer I could come up with. But I'm not sure whether it was the correct answer. The answer I gave implied that Austin men are all very keen on 19th Century American history. But I know that's unlikely.

"One of the primary reasons why most Austin men lack interest in the 19th Century is they read in 'The Austin Chronicle' that there was no marijuana being smoked here back then. To them, it was a 'Dullsville' period in American history: 'Can you imagine what life was like before the reefer?', a typical Austin man will ask you with incredulity in his tone of voice if you ask him about the 1800s."

---"When I meet an Austin gentleman for the first time and want to get to know him better, I always ask if we can meet for breakfast in a coffeeshop. This keeps them sober for a full 45 minutes, which makes it easier for me to tell if I might be compatible with them as a prospective friend. When they're drunk, you can never be sure. They spew out so much profanity when they're drunk that it's difficult for me to know what they're like when they are at their deepest and most thoughtful. Austin men tend to be a lot like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. If at all possible, make sure that your interactions with them are during their Dr. Jekyll periods. Otherwise, they might punch you in the face when they're doing their Mr. Hyde imitation in this London of Texas, as Austin is sometimes called, where half the time our men's heads are lost in a pea-soup fog."

----"Austin is the only city in Texas that boasts about everyone in town being a weirdo. Weirdos tend to do very strange things, particularly at 4 a.m. in the morning when the few predictably straight persons left in our truly odd city along the Colorado are LEAST likely to want to have ANY involvement with our city's 'Keep Austin Weird' crowd. Think about it. At 4 a.m. in the morning, Austin's weirdest get even weirder, if you can imagine that. They begin shoving dildos into any orifice on your body that they can identify, including your mouth and belly button, in a frenzied outburst of derangement at that hour."

---"One of my favorite pastimes in Austin is to count how many ear-rings and nostril rings and tongue rings the Austinite I'm looking at is currently featuring that involved body piercings. The most I've counted so far is 50, but that sounds like a low figure for this city hellbent on being as weird as possible at all times."

--"One of the best ways to stump a member of the Austin City Council is to ask them for an estimate on the percentage of all current Austin residents who are drug addicts. If you want a straight answer, which implies that Council member is fully sober at the time, not high at the time, and straightforward enough to directly answer the question, and it's best not to take any of those traits for granted whenever you contact a Council member in this capital city where even our overpass exchanges on freeways are shaped like marijuana leafs instead of clover leafs, you will be very disappointed. If you're lucky, the Council member may reply to you in a dazed-sounding voice with the following exact verbatim statement on the phone: 'I'd like to REEFER you to another City official who may have an answer to your question."

---"One of the red flags we have in Austin about the citywide nature of our illicit-drug crisis here occurs every time City Council convenes and fails to publicly acknowledge that we have a marijuana-addiction crisis and cocaine-addiction crisis in our state-capital city. One of my own favorite fantasies is to attend an Austin City Council meeting where a representative for the Attorney General of Texas requests permission to speak, and uses that opportunity to publicly reprimand the entire City Government of Austin for failing to adequately and comprehensively address the illicit-drug-addiction crisis throughout this city. Austinites who are sober and straight enough to note the point, are probably observing in their confidential diaries that this drug-crazed city of Austin is very lucky to still be holding the state-capital legal status that the Texas Legislature and voters of Texas permit Austin to have."

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