THE IMAGINARY EAVESDROPPING NOTES THAT I MIGHT HAVE JOTTED DOWN IN NEW YORK CITY THIS WEEK, HAD I BEEN THERE AT THE TIME:

 ---"I always carry a magnifying glass with me whenever I shop in the supermarkets here. My doctor says it is 100 percent imperative that I check the sodium levels, saturated fats levels, and sugar levels for everything I purchase. But the fine print is hard for me to read when I check the ingredient labels on products. This is why my magnifying glass is proving to be a true life-saver for me."

---"Have you ever tried to estimate the percentage of all of the persons who live in this metro area that you ever actually meet in person over the course of a 10-year period? Far less than 1 percent, I'm sure. I find it very humbling that the statistic is far less than 1 percent."

---"I need to find out how I can eat a four-course meal in a restaurant here and still feel good about it when I get on my scale the next morning."

---"So if you eat a four-course meal in a five-star restaurant here, which course is the course that makes or breaks your dining experience for you?"

---"The next time I dine out, I am going to request their Non-Deep-Fried Appetizers Menu for heart patients. Maybe their manager will like the idea and they will actually do a special appetizers menu for the millions of heart patients who live here."

---"You spend so much time in your Cardiologist's medical clinic here that I'm amazed you aren't the local sponsor for a 'Be Kind To Your Cardiologist Day' here in Manhattan."

---"Every time I imagine myself as Batman here, I wonder how I can fly in the air like that without my blood pressure skyrocketing."

---"I need to do some research to find out when the National Cardiologist Appreciation Day is. I feel sure that if I celebrate that day each year in a heart-healthy manner, it will be very good for my longevity. I'm very strategic about the annual events I celebrate."

---"In the old days, everyone wanted to be on good terms with their clergyman in order to make it into Heaven. Everyone assumed the Clergyman would escort them into Heaven. Today, though, the emphasis has shifted. Everyone believes that finding a Super Doctor Cardiologist is their leading hope for salvation. The rest is merely an archaic abstraction."

--"You have to develop acting skills if you live here. Everyone wants to show you their hideously ugly tattoos, and you are expected to smile delightedly and inquire about who the tattoo artist was, since you are very envious that they found such a good tattoo artist. You can't say those things unless you have acting ability."

---"When I dine out with a friend, I always remember the movie 'My Dinner With Andre' and assume there won't be any noise in the background which enables me to cherish every word my dining companion verbalizes. But then I look at the reality I face in the restaurant. I often have to shout to communicate with my dining companion. So the thoughtful, philosophical dialogue experience I am striving for gets shot to hell every time."

---"I wish there were a Be Kind to Waiters Day every year here. I would make a point of asking for my favorite waiter or waitress when I dine out that day, and I would always tip 50 percent that day to show my appreciation."

---"Never be rude to a waiter. That's my motto. If you are rude to them here, two weeks later you learn when you attend live theater here that the featured playwright when he takes a bow before the audience resembles your waiter. Then sure enough, the play that gets presented that night features a very rude customer who resembles and sounds a lot like yourself. These waiters have a way of getting their revenge on you if you ever snub them."

---"As many times as I have collected seashells when I visit Jersey, I have never bothered to research who the leading expert on seashells is in our bi-state area. I need to give him a call and ask if I can bring my seashells to him at his office for an in-person evaluation. I want to find out if any of my seashells is worth $1,000. I got the idea from watching 'Antique Road Show' on public television every week."

--"I would be very nervous if I ever appeared on 'Antique Road Show' and the expert on antiques tells me that my item is worth $50,000. I would be afraid I couldn't make it back to my home without being carjacked. They are very aggressive here about carjackings. The minute they find out you have a valuable item in your vehicle, your chances of getting carjacked here jump 200 percent."

--"I need to talk to my veterinarian to find out how I can give my female pet poodle all the exercise she needs when I am away from my apartment. I wish there were some kind of exercise wheel for dogs that I could keep Lulu occupied and physically fit when I'm not at home."

---"So when was the last time you actually spoke with a CEO in person? Anyone who lives here gets asked that question. I think we're all under heavy pressure to have a quick answer if anyone ever asks us. If you say you shook hands with a CEO at least once in the most recent six-month period, it proves you're a VIP, or at least a VIP by association. Otherwise, you are worse than a Nobody, you're a nobody so inconsequential that no one even notices you when you enter a fancy restaurant."