ANOTHER SEMI-FICTIONAL ADVENTURE IN NEW YORK: AN INDEPENDENCE DAY WEEKEND IMAGINARY EAVESDROPPER'S REPORT

 ---"It's a huge mistake for her to think that she's guaranteed of success in her life now that she's fully vaccinated against COVID-19. I don't why she's been acting so complacent, as if everything will be blissful for her now."

---"I think a lot of us don't classify ourselves as sleep-deprived until we fall asleep waiting for a subway car and someone steals your wallet from you while you're snoring. That's the wake-up call, if you'll pardon my pun, that seems to convince everyone that they aren't getting enough sleep."

--"I would define sleep deprivation as falling asleep at a mandatory staff meeting at my workplace. My boss gets very angry if we fall asleep when he's trying to explain to us what we need to do to keep our company alive."

---"I've complained about excessive sodium in my dishes in restaurants so often that I think I'll get a special statement printed out on a little card I can always leave on my table after I've paid for my meal. That statement will say, 'You just flunked my inspection of your sodium levels.'"

---"Whenever I dine out here in Manhattan, the word 'Surly' always pops into my head as the favorite word used by a native of the Bronx I once knew whenever he was asked to describe the waiters here. 'Surly' is not the type of word I myself would ever say. I take pride in NOT being snobbish or arrogant."

--"Personally, I once knew a restaurant manager who openly stated to me that waiters, to him, are a lot like gypsies. Every time I read or hear about gypsies, I immediately think of our city's waiters."

---"I am very relieved that I've never heard about any gypsies emigrating to New York. If they did, I would be terrified of them whenever I visited Central Park. Those gypsies could out-mug even  the most  hard-core of New York's most aggressive muggers."

---"I hope some Professor at Columbia will publish results of a new sociological study on gypsies in which he enlightens us all on why gypsies are unfairly labeled as thieves from day one."

---"It's funny that you mentioned that, since the other day I started to complain that the weather felt 'muggy', then I stopped myself. I didn't want to plant ideas into the heads of any of the strangers around me."

--"I think it's a misconception on your part that 90 percent of the muggings that occur in New York take place in Central Park. The actual statistic is probably closer to 80 percent."

--"Some parents naively think it's safe for their children to visit Central Park without an adult escort. Those parents figure that since their children don't have more than $20 in allowance money in their wallet, they aren't at risk of getting mugged. Those parents should keep in mind that children get kidnapped at Central Park all the time. One day your child is in the free world as your beloved offspring, the next day they are slaves to a notoriously violent underworld figure!"

--"Look on the bright side. If your child does get kidnapped at Central Park, and you are then accused of child neglect from that incident, the government would have more incentive to pursue research to locate your child, in order to then take that child away from you by court order."

--"Anyplace else I travel to, no one ever warns me that if I visit their municipal park, I'll get mugged. Leave it to New York to take a perfectly fine and wholesome tradition and turn it into some outdoor counterpart to a house of horrors!"

---"The level of audacity of the single men of New York has increased at least 20 percent during the COVID crisis. Yesterday this guy I never met before walked up to me and said, 'So when was the last time you watched an X-rated movie?' He was very fortunate that I didn't slap him in the face."

---"I think the COVID-19 crisis has significantly harmed the single men's ability to approach ladies with a clever opening line. The single men here are completely out of practice at the gentle art of courtship, and they reflect their desperation and despair in their every utterance."

---"You just reminded me of one of the most offensive things I've ever heard here in New York. This creepy single guy walked up to me and he says to me with a very weird look on his face, 'Would you like to give me a Covid Kiss?' I think he was addicted to alliteration, but that's no excuse for his outrageously flippant question."

---"At least here in New York you always have a strong sense about who your arch-rival competitor is in the business world. Your boss is telling you all about it every day of the week. All of your nocturnal dreams feature at least one confrontation with the corporate rival your boss has labeled as Public Enemy Number One. So if the Russians invade New York, you will get very confused about whether that was perpetrated by your Arch-Enemy Corporate Rival or by a foreign government that doesn't have any connection to your despised corporate rival. That's how the bosses here mess you up in the head. You are trained to defeat and annihilate your arch-rival in the business world, and you are completely unprepared for military-battle scenarios."