What's In a Name? Poorly Named Businesses of Austin, Texas, Invite Rejections --- and Complaints --- from Prospective Customers

One of my leading career-related ambitions is to someday become a professional Business Name Consultant. Here in Austin, Texas, I could hand out professional calling cards identifying myself as "Business Name Advisor," and I could earn lots of money here from stating the obvious to prospective new business owners and current business owners.

That obvious point I'd be making every day of my career as a Business Name Consultant in Austin, Texas, would be simply this: "The name you've come up with for your business is disastrous! If you would give your business a new name, you'll increase your net profits by 50 to 500 percent!"

Among the businesses in Austin, Texas, and the Austin area that are so poorly named they currently appear to be inviting prospective customers to choose a competitor of theirs instead---and I wish to politely emphasize that the following very tentative impressions of mine are not based on any actual conversations between myself and ANY of the actual owners of these businesses, it being my assumption in writing this that EACH and EVERY ONE of the owners of each of the following Austin-area businesses here in Texas are each very honorable and very civil and law-abiding and very polite and clean-talking Americans; these are merely my own personal REACTIONS to and tentative explorations of the "fictional reality" or "subliminal message" or "strands of consciousness" or "public-relations image" triggered by the respective NAMES per se of each of these respective businesses--------are:

---"HECHO EN MEXICO."
This is the surprising name for a Mexican-style restaurant in Austin.
The English-language translation of "Hecho en Mexico" is: "Made" or "Manufactured" inside the Latin American nation of Mexico.
What makes this restaurant name so surprising is that it implies that everything being offered to customers in that restaurant was initially prepared inside a kitchen or factory in Mexico, and then flown or shipped by truck to Austin, Texas.

The inevitable questions that arise from this are: Just how fresh will my meal be inside "Hecho en Mexico"? Also, "If this meal was prepared for me in the foreign nation of Mexico----a Latin American country where sanitary standards are much less stringent than in the U.S.----am I at risk of contracting Montezuma's Revenge, or amoebic dysentery, from eating a meal here?"

---"SEXY SCISSORS."
The name of this barbershop in Austin, Texas, suggests that if you are seeking a sexually promiscuous life for yourself in a city where the majority of residents are already oversexed, this is the place to go for your haircuts. The name of this business also suggests that you if you contract a sexually transmitted disease such as syphilis or AIDS from your "sexy" lifestyle that this barber shop sponsored for you, you can then ask your barber to pay all of your resulting medical-treatment bills.

It so happens that there are many single persons and married persons in Austin who are NOT seeking to pursue a sexually promiscuous life. Furthermore, it would be foolish of an Austin resident to strive for a "sexy" look in connection with that person's career pursuits or job interviews. Reputable employers want their employees to present a wholesome and conservative and people-friendly look in their hairstyle.

This reflects the healthy awareness by most employers in Austin, Texas, that human identity is NOT primarily sexual in nature, and that 99 to 100 percent of all relationships in life, including all professional relationships in particular, are strictly platonic or non-sexual (no sexual contact) in nature.


Another objection to the "Sexy Scissors" name centers on the awkwardness of that metaphorical language. This name for a business suggests that a pair of scissors can have romantic appeal. In fact, only in a perversely sadomasochistic context would an adult woman or an adult man ever seek to have carnal relations with a pair of scissors. Scissors----which should never be confused for a dildo----contain a very sharp and dangerous blade that can cut the flesh and cause bleeding. Those wielding scissors that they use to cut human flesh are either vicious criminals or suicide-prone persons.

---"LOST PINES BARBER SHOP."
This name for a barber shop in nearby Bastrop, Texas, suggests that if you want to get lost in a barber shop, this is the right business for you. I cannot imagine why anyone would want to patronize a barber shop in order to feel lost in a forest of pine trees.

Most people go to a barber shop in order to get more organized and have a stronger sense of place and purpose in their life. "Conservative and short, please," many male adult customers invariably ask their hairstylist in Austin, Texas.

Furthermore, I respectfully question what pine trees have to do with hairstyling. After my hair has been cut, will a special pine tree-derived hair tonic be applied to my hair by my hairstylist? This is one of the many questions that "Lost Pines Barber Shop"'s name calls to mind.

Another inevitable question that arises is simply this: "Does the name suggest that this barber shop primarily seeks to serve Central Texans who are pining away with
grief after the loss of a loved one?" If so, doesn't that arbitrarily exclude the many Austinites, myself among them, who are NOT pining away over the death of a loved one.

---"FAST FREDDY'S HAIR SALON" in Austin, Texas.

This business name suggests that if Freddy cuts my hair in 60 seconds time or less, I should be thrilled to the point of elated.

In fact, as many Austinites have discovered from hairstylists who have cut their hair inside barber shops in Austin, Texas, the hairstylist who cuts their hair the fastest is nearly always the very hairstylist who later that day prompted the customer to wonder why that barber was so hasty and superficial. "I wish I had insisted that my barber cut more hair off than he did," the barber-shop customer later notes to himself after arriving home and glancing into the mirror. "He was so eager to get rid of me that he gave me a mere fraction of a haircut---but he still charged me for a full haircut!"

---"FADED DREAMS."
This very awkward name for a barber shop in Austin, Texas, suggests that I am expected to pay my hard-earned money to a hairstylist in exchange for a heart-breaking, very disappointing, disillusioning, very poorly done haircut on myself. Why would anyone in his right mind want a "faded dream" haircut?

---"SALT LICK RESTAURANT."
This admittedly popular barbecue restaurant in Austin, Texas, bears a disastrous name. This is an era, after all, in which all medical physicians are urging their patients to minimize their personal consumption of salt.

High sodium levels are disastrous for one's cardiovascular health, the doctors point out. Despite that warning from our nation's medical doctors, this is a barbecue restaurant that in a foolhardy manner chooses to emphasize through its name that if you dine there, you will be licking lots and lots of salt. I find that prospect revolting to the point of nauseating.

The only consolation I can see from it all, from the standpoint of that restaurant's profitability, is that customers told to "THINK SALT!" when they enter that restaurant are more likely to pay for a beverage to quench their thirst. So beverage sales inside "Salt Lick Restaurant" may well be phenomenally high among those persons who are willing to dine there despite the restaurant's very weak name.

---"OLIVE GARDEN ITALIAN RESTAURANT."
This chain restaurant in Austin, Texas, tortures prospective customers. Olive Garden does that by promising olive lovers---myself among those olive lovers---that if you dine at "Olive Garden", you will be treated to a wide array of delicious culinary dishes that each highlight the olive as a featured ingredient.

In fact, the "Olive Garden" name is decidedly deceptive advertising---a mirage that tantalizes and torments customers. If you ask your waiter for a list of the various olive-theme dishes there, he will offer you a perplexed look as his response. "Olive Garden" inevitably calls to mind the line from a famous English poem: "Water, water, everywhere, and not a drop to drink!" In Olive Garden, the counterpart to that line would be, "Olives, olives everywhere in the NAME of this eatery, but what an outrageous dearth of olives here to actually eat!"

---"POTBELLY SANDWICH WORKS."
This name for a restaurant in Austin, Texas, suggests that if you dine there, you will end up with a pot belly in the form of obesity. The inevitable implication is that if you dine inside this sandwich shop, you increase your risk of contracting a heart attack, since obesity is correlated with heart disease.

I respectfully question whether most Austinites would choose to patronize a restaurant that they know in advance will give them a heart attack.

---"EASY RHINO PUB."
This name for a restaurant in Austin, Texas, implies that if you want to become not only obese but outrageously obese---if you want to resemble a rhinoceros, in fact---you should dine here as often as possible.

"It's EASY to acquire the body of a rhinoceros, if you dine here enough times," the restaurant might as well declare.

---"SUPER BOWL RESTAURANT."
This restaurant name for a restaurant in south Austin fails to score a touchdown. Super Bowl Restaurant does that by suggesting that on ONE total day of each year, when the National Football League Super Bowl game is being televised that one day in February, you MIGHT want to consider dining at this eatery in south Austin.

This raises the inevitable question of how "Super Bowl Restaurant" expects to persuade anyone to dine there during the 364 or 365 OTHER days of the year when the Super Bowl pro football game is NOT occurring.

And on that one total day of the year when the Super Bowl takes place, many prospective customers will no doubt choose to dine in a restaurant with a larger television screen than Super Bowl Restaurant may offer that day.


---"POTATO CLUB" restaurant in Austin, Texas.

This name may be okay if all a customer wants to eat is is potatoes. However, most Central Texans are looking for more than just potatoes when they dine out.

For instance, "Russet Potato Pie" dessert probably would not appeal to a customer after he has just eaten a potato entree accompanied by a side of potatoes and potato juice as his beverage.

---"HAT TRICK CATERING."
This restaurant-industry catering service in Austin, Texas, suggests by its name that it employs a team of magicians who are each holding hats and, out of nowhere, producing rabbits in full view of astounded observers.

One problem with this "clever" image is that most local residents do not wish to eat baked or fried or grilled rabbit when they order a meal from a caterer. And most residents of Austin, Texas, know that fine cooking is not a series of sly-of-hand stunts, nor is fine cooking a matter of chanting "Abra, Cadabra." Fine cooking demands a solid command of each and every one of the basic elements of preparing culinary dishes in a kitchen. Fine cooking is hard work in the kitchen, not magic.

---"SPIDER HOUSE" catering service in Austin, Texas.
This very awkward name for a restaurant-industry business suggests that if you order from "Spider House," the catered meal being delivered to your home will contain several menacing spiders---some of them potentially lethal.

At the very least, the name "Spider House" implies that this business does not have an adequate pest-control program. The consumer is invited to speculate that the chefs of "Spider House" catering service in Austin, Texas, are working from a kitchen that's infested with a horde of spiders. Anyone who has ever been bitten by a spider knows that it is not a pleasant experience.

Nor would eating a spider be a pleasant experience, I might add. I myself don't know of any cuisine anywhere in the world that features pickled spiders as a "delicious gourmet delicacy."

---"IT'S A GRIND COFFEE HOUSE."
This restaurant-industry business in Austin, Texas, offers prospective customers what appears to be an embarrassing public confession by that coffeehouse's employees. "It's a grind to work here!" they all appear to be complaining loudly and in unison.

Why the owners of this business chose to ignore the very negative connotation to the traditional American phrase, "It's a grind," is a complete mystery to many Central Texans.

----'KICK BUTT' COFFEE HOUSE.
The "Kick Butt" official name of this coffee house in Austin, Texas, suggests that Central Texans all have a strong desire to kick another person's behind. In fact, most Central Texans would probably say that they oppose sadomasochistic or S&M practices of that type.

Most Central Texans would probably also say that they don't drink coffee as preparation for inflicting physical violence on another person.

Even if one overlooks the violent connotations of this coffee house's name, the name reeks of vulgarity. "Kick Butt" Coffee House forfeits patronage from clean-talking Austinites who pride themselves on being persons of elan and elegance and sophistication. "Kick Butt" Coffee House sounds embarrassingly blue-collar in a capital city that takes pride in its white-collar identity.

---"ALOHA MOVING."
This Hawaiian name for a moving company in Austin, Texas, suggests that it exclusively serves persons seeking to move from Central Texas to the U.S. state of Hawaii in the Pacific Ocean---no mean feat, especially since traveling by van from the west coast to Hawaii would be problematic in the absence of a multi-thousand-mile bridge connecting the Los Angeles area of California to the Hawaiian islands.

Another theory is that "Aloha Moving" exclusively serves persons of Hawaiian ancestry---who possibly comprise as much as 0.01 percent of all current Central Texans, if that much. Any such "only ethnic-Hawaiian customers" policy by Aloha Moving company would be flagrantly illegal and racist. Either way, the "Aloha Moving" name clearly conveys the message that 99.99 percent of all Central Texans could not possibly qualify to receive any services from this professional moving company.

---"OILCAN HARRY'S" nightclub.
This vulgar and misleading name for a self-identified "gay bar" in downtown Austin suggests that it primarily serves auto mechanics, oil industry employees, service-station attendants, and factory workers..

"If you visit this nightclub, we will offer you free lubrication of your mouth in the form of alcoholic beverages on 'Lube-Job' Auto Mechanics Night every Tuesday," this bar might as well declare to all of Austin.

---"THE RAGE NIGHT CLUB" in Austin.
This poorly-named nightclub suggests that it prefers to attract very angry young men as its patrons.

"If you are unemployed and angry about it, please, please come to The Rage Night Club for a good time!" flyers for this nightclub might as well declare. "We also welcome any and all criminals and psychopaths, since they have lots of misanthropic rage to offer that makes everything very, very exciting here!"

---"DIRTY MARTIN'S PLACE."
This name for a locally owned restaurant situated near The University of Texas at Austin is embarrassing to the point of outrageous.

Why would anyone want to purchase a meal from a restaurateur who boasts of being filthy, and whose restaurant name suggests the owner or manager may be defiant of the health codes of the City of Austin and Travis County Government?

Doubly offensive is the simple fact that this restaurant is situated near The University of Texas at Austin, so that this flagrantly anti-hygienic statement is inflicted on thousands of college students each year. "Why is it," a college freshman at UT may understandably ask, "that the owner of this restaurant near UT refuses to ever take a bath or shower?"

---"WOKAHOLIC" restaurant.
This actual name of a restaurant in the Austin area of Texas that's listed in a 2010-2011 published yellow pages directory of local businesses, was obviously a disaster. I recently learned through factual research that the Wokaholic Chinese-style buffet restaurant in the Austin area has been permanently closed.

This name implied that you have to be suffering from a current self-destructive addiction to alcohol in order to yourself enjoy eating Chinese culinary dishes.

"We prefer that all of our prospective new customers be already addicted to alcohol and tobacco, and possibly to gambling and habitually spending lots of money on material goods, before they dine here for the first time. Those prior addictions will make it all the easier for us to lead our customers into yet another addiction----the habitual and uncontrollable dependence on Chinese cuisine and the accompanying obsession with reading fortune cookie messages on a year-round basis," the restaurant might as well have declared in a posted announcement..

"And please keep in mind that if you are an alcoholic diner, we plan to eventually offer a variety of alcohol options that cater to your alcohol addiction whenever you dine here. So it will be very financially profitable for us----very lucrative for us, if you don't mind our saying so---that you have this personal alcohol addiction you bring with you into our restaurant!" So that restaurant, before it closed its doors for good, might as well have also declared to prospective customers.

---"LUCKY DOG CHICAGO STYLE GRILL."
The name of this restaurant in Austin, Texas, suggests that if you dine there, you are a lucky or fortunate dog.

This message implies that human beings are very similar to dogs. Presumably, guests in this restaurant are expected to bark their orders and then wag their tail, or wag their behind in cases of Austin residents who are tail-less, to indicate that they enjoyed their meal.

Another possibility is that "Lucky Dog" restaurant is named this way to convey the message that this is a "dog-friendly" restaurant. According to this theory, all dog devotees are urged by this restaurant to bring their favorite four-legged furry friend with them as a dining companion. Homemade gourmet dog biscuits are apparently offered as appetizers in the dog-friendly menu of this restaurant.

One problem with this canine motif, however, is that many Central Texans are cat owners, rather than dog owners. Also, many Central Texans---and this is particularly the case with ladies----consider themselves to be feline, rather than canine.

"Why should I patronize a restaurant that arbitrarily excludes me because of my feline affiliation," as many ladies of the Austin area may understandably ask. "I regard it as discrimination that this restaurant invites dogs to dine here as customers, but refuses to wait on cats!"

Another theory about this restaurant is that it serves hot dogs, and that you are very lucky indeed to be eating a hot dog during this nationwide economic depression. "As opposed to what," you ask.

"As opposed to cockroaches or mice," the restaurant might as well reply. "Eating hot dogs is preferable to eating cockroaches or mice."

"But what about the high saturated-fat content in hot dogs?" you then ask.
"If you get heart disease here---and I'm not saying that you will---it's unlikely you'll drop dead inside LUCKY DOG," the owner might as well reply.

"I can virtually guarantee you, in fact, that you'll leave here without sustaining a heart attack! That's what our restaurant name is all about: You are ALWAYS a LUCKY DOG each and every time you leave this restaurant without needing an ambulance to carry you away on a stretcher!"

Yet another theory holds that "Lucky Dog" restaurant through its name is declaring that real-live dogs, or canines, were skinned alive and then butchered in order to provide dog-meat hot-dogs for this Chicago-style restaurant.

"We consider the select group of dogs we draw from to be very lucky dogs, since they are given this marvelous opportunity in posthumous form to please your human palate," the owner of this restaurant in Austin might as well declare. "Even on the dining table, as it turns out, a dog is a man's best friend. The dogs we skin alive and butcher in preparing our homemade 'hot dogs' for 'Lucky Dog' restaurant in Austin, Texas, are very similar to the featured tuna fish of Star-Kist television commercials. Those Hollywoodesque tuna fishes, as you'll recall, are each eagerly hoping to get rewarded for their delectability by being boiled alive and then devoured by human beings."

---"BROKEN SPOKE" restaurant.
This very awkward name for a restaurant in Austin, Texas, suggests that the 19th Century horse-drawn covered wagon carrying raw ingredients needed to restock the eatery's kitchen has broken down. That covered wagon cannot reach the restaurant in time to to provide the urgently needed fresh supplies of food.

It is not clear whether the spoke of the supply wagon was broken because of numerous arrows allegedly shot at that spoke by a tribe of American Indians, or because of a bullet shot by an outlaw who sought to halt the progress of that covered wagon in order to attempt to rob the driver at gunpoint.

Either way, the outlook is very grim for anyone wishing to actually dine at Broken Spoke. "We regret to report that the covered-wagon we rely on for restocking our kitchen is broken, and it could take three additional weeks for us to get that wagon's spoke repaired," the owner of this restaurant might as well declare in a posted announcement.

"In the meantime, the 19th Century-style stove that we use for preparing all of our meals here has also broken down. Would you be willing to accept a raincheck from us? If so, we invite you to pray to the American Indian God of Rain, whatever they call that deity, if you are hoping to redeem your raincheck from us in the next month or two.

"Everything here, including the famously broken spoke to our covered-wagon supply vehicle, should be fully repaired sometime in the next two months---and preferably this will take place on a rainy day, which will help remind you that you have the 'raincheck' option of dining here 'On The House' that day!"

---"LA FERIA" restaurant.
This Mexican restaurant in Austin, Texas, is very awkwardly named, especially among prospective customers who do not speak or read Spanish with full fluency.

The immediate reaction that many Anglo and African-American Central Texans will have when they hear or see this eatery's name is to ask themselves the following question: "Since 'La Feria' is a Spanish-language term that apparently translates as 'The Fairy' in English, why is this restaurant boasting that it is run by a fairy?"


"I am not superstitious myself, nor do I see the connection between the magical fairies of fairy tales and Mexican food," a restaurant diner in Austin, Texas, might note. "Furthermore, I'm very aware that the word 'fairy' is a traditional English-language pejorative slang term and possible 'gay argot' term meaning 'homosexual'. The word 'homosexual,' in turn, prompts me to wonder whether anyone who currently works at La Feria restaurant is possibly HIV-positive or possibly has AIDS.


"Any such scenario is definitely NOT an appetizing thought to be having when I'm munching on tortilla chips and guacamole while waiting for my meal inside 'La Feria'! There are casual-contact scenarios, after all, in which an HIV-positive employee inside a restaurant could accidentally or deliberately cut himself and then have some of his infected blood somehow get into the food or beverage of a customer, and possibly this could infect the customer as well!


"I'm also very uncomfortable with the conveyed heterophobia, or unjustifiable antipathy toward heterosexual persons, that appears to pervade this restaurant's mindset," an Austin restaurant diner might note to himself.

"Does 'La Feria' restaurant in its employment practices allegedly discriminate against heterosexual persons----biological female heterosexual persons and biological male heterosexual persons among them---who apply for jobs at 'La Feria', any such alleged employment discrimination being outrageous and flagrantly illegal, as the Austin-based Texas Workforce Commission state agency could quickly determine through an investigation by the TWC's Civil Rights Division.

Does this restaurant also allegedly discriminate against heterosexual customers, by conveying the appalling message to them that they are not fully welcome at 'La Feria'? Does the restaurant staff at 'La Feria' give heterosexual customers poor or unfriendly service while providing preferential treatment to self-identified gay, homosexual, lesbian, transsexual, bisexual, and transvestite customers?"

"Another theory of mine," the Central Texan restaurant diner might continue, "is that the 'La Feria' eatery's name refers to the ferry that transports motorists from Aransas Pass, Texas, to Port Aransas, Texas, which is situated on an island in the Gulf of Mexico. If that is in fact the theme of this Mexican restaurant, I feel that the owner should have done a better job of clarifying that this is EXCLUSIVELY a Mexican seafood restaurant."

As it turns out, the Spanish-English dictionary explains that "Feria" is a Spanish noun meaning a "fair" or a "festival." But many thousands of Central Texans would never guess that interpretation, and would instead be assuming that this restaurant only employs homosexual or bisexual or lesbian persons, or is exclusively a seafood place.

Those tentative assumptions, in turn, would trigger automatic rejections, and automatic revulsion as well, from many thousands of HIV-negative or heterosexual Central Texans---and from the many thousands of Central Texans who don't like seafood, for that matter.

---"PIRANHA KILLER SUSHI" restaurant situated in downtown Austin, Texas.
This name for a Japanese-style sushi restaurant suggests that exploring sushi in Austin, Texas, is comparable to being eaten alive by a school of carnivorous piranha fish in the Amazon River of South America.

"We cater to each of your favorite self-annihilation fantasies," this restaurant might as well declare to each of its customers. "Enjoy using the chopsticks we offer you, as that may be the final elegant pleasure you will be allowed to experience on this planet before the school of piranha we employ attack your body and shred it to bits with the ferocity of sharks.

"This will be our implied 'fortune cookie' message that we offer to each of you unsuspecting guests who pay to dine in our restaurant: 'SAYONARA, you fool!'"

Another possible interpretation is that this restaurant's name comprises an implied warning that there are, in fact, homicide-crazed Japanese Mafia currently operating in Austin, Texas.

According to this theory, the "Japanese Mafia" in Austin, Texas, allegedly have close ties to the notorious illicit drug lords of South America, who presumably are themselves identified by the code name of 'Piranha' among savvy observers of the crime scene in South America, in Japan, and in Austin, Texas.

---"LAS DOS PALOMAS Restaurant" in Austin, Texas.
This restaurant's name inevitably invites speculation about whether dining inside "Las Dos Palomas" is as enjoyable as watching and listening to pigeons for 60 consecutive minutes in Austin, Texas.

The pigeon metaphor rears its ugly head precisely because the first definition of "Palomas" in the Spanish-English dictionary is, in fact, "pigeons." And even though this restaurant's name refers to two ("dos") birds, any observer of pigeons will recall that whenever two pigeons descend on the ground, a flock of other pigeons will immediately join them.

Big numbers are inherent in the pigeon scene. And reflecting on dreaded pigeons throughout one's entire meal inside "Las Dos Palomas" inevitably calls to mind the unappetizing topic of pigeon droppings.

Just as disastrous for this restaurant is the knowledge many local diners have that pigeons are a public health threat, since pigeons often spread diseases to human beings. "If I dine inside Las Dos Palomas, am I also at risk of contracting an illness such as food poisoning from the experience?" a prospective customer could understandably ask himself.

---"INOCENTE'S CAFE."
This peculiar name for a restaurant in Austin, Texas, suggests that the owner possibly opened up this restaurant to celebrate his great victory in a court of law, where he had been found not guilty, or "innocent," of an alleged felony crime by a judge and jury in Austin, Texas.

It is worth emphasizing that this is merely a possible theory that many prospective customers not familiar with this restaurant may come up with to explain to themselves how this restaurant got its name.

I myself have never met or spoken with the owner of this restaurant, and I have every reason to hope that he (or she) is a very diligently law-abiding, consistently civil and honest person with no criminal-conviction record of any type. In any case, the following is what a prospective customer might possibly imagine to be hypothetical comments from the owner of "Inocente's" as his (or her) possible explanation for the name of his restaurant:

"I TELL YOU NOW, JUST AS I TOLD ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY THROUGHOUT THAT ENTIRE ORDEAL, THAT I WAS COMPLETELY INNOCENT! I was NOWHERE NEAR the scene of the alleged murder that the Travis County District Attorney had allegedly charged me with in my distant past! I SWEAR TO YOU TODAY, AND I SWEAR TO EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, FOR THAT MATTER, THAT I DEFINITELY DID NOT MURDER THE INDIVIDUAL WHO WAS THE CITED VICTIM! IN FACT, I NEVER SPOKE WITH HIM IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! HE WAS A COMPLETE STRANGER TO ME! IF HE WERE ALIVE TODAY, I COULD NOT EVEN IDENTIFY HIM TO SAVE MY LIFE! I WASN'T THE ONE WHO DID IT, I TELL YOU!"

"I'M SO INNOCENT, IN FACT, THAT I'D WELCOME ANY OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE HIS DEAD BODY EXHUMED! THIS WOULD HELP ME TO PROVE TODAY TO ALL THE DEAD GUY'S SURVIVING RELATIVES THAT NONE OF MY OWN DNA IS ON HIS CORPSE! I'LL EVEN GIVE UP ALL MY NET PROFITS FROM ONE FULL DAY OF MY RUNNING THIS RESTAURANT IN ORDER TO MYSELF PAY THE GOVERNMENT TO DIG UP THE VICTIM'S DEAD BODY! THEY COULD THEN OFFICIALLY CONFIRM FOR EVERYONE TODAY THAT I AM COMPLETELY INNOCENT, AS I'VE SAID ALL ALONG! I'M SO INNOCENT THAT I CAN NEVER THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY WHEN I MEET WITH MY PRIEST DURING CONFESSIONAL! I WOULDN'T KNOW HOW TO COMMIT A SIN, EVEN IF I TRIED--THAT'S HOW THOROUGHLY AND COMPLETELY INNOCENT I AM!"

---"THE CHUGGING MONKEY" bar and nightclub in Austin, Texas.
This name for a bar and nightclub is disastrous partly because monkeys are smelly mammals that do not whet the human appetite for eating or drinking.

But the owner of this downtown Austin bar obviously has a different outlook. "We are hoping you will go ape over our nightclub's name," the owner might as well declare. "We're especially proud of the many banana-theme options we offer. They include our World-Famous Banana Liqueur and our extensive monkey-theme snacks menu, which features a wide variety of banana dishes in honor of our bar's beloved mascot."

As for the middle word in this bar's three-word name, the dictionary defines the verb "to chug" as "to make an explosive sound." Only a sadist would want to watch a monkey explode; so the name of this restaurant arbitrarily excludes any and all non-sadistic Central Texans as prospective customers inside this eatery.

---SHERLOCK'S BAKER STREET PUB & GRILL.

The name of this restaurant-industry business and nightclub in Austin, Texas, begs the absurd question of where the latest dead body will be found----and who the murder victim was, or will prove to be. Also, will there be a dreadful stench from any dead body that's suddenly discovered inside this restaurant while one is attempting to eat Shepherd's Pie, the diner inside Sherlock's wonders.

Unless the customer dining at Sherlock's is himself a murderous cannibal, devoting thought at the dining table to dead bodies and homicide is NOT conducive to an appetite.

The namesake of this restaurant chain is the famous fictional private detective Sherlock Holmes, created by English novelist Arthur Conan Doyle. In Doyle's fictional world, the mention of Sherlock Holmes's name invariably occurs in the context of Holmes either solving or preparing to solve a murder mystery in England---and generally a murder that had been reported by "The London Times" daily newspaper. The villain, in many of those cases, was an infamous professor named Moriarty.

Not surprisingly, customers inside Sherlock's restaurant in Austin, Texas, expect to find menu listings for such items as "Fatal Fudge," "Premeditated Pudding," "Famous Last Words Pie," "Moriarty's Morsels," and the like. But the menu does not "live up" to the restaurant's morbid name.

Customers inside this chain restaurant in Austin, Texas, are also inevitably reminded that the famous fictional detective Sherlock Holmes was addicted to cocaine, and sometimes consumed morphine as well. In a capital city of Texas where the illicit-drug crisis remains appallingly widespread, paying homage in this manner to a 19th Century illicit-drug addict feels perversely decadent.

---"THE DIZZY ROOSTER."
The nightclub by this name in Austin, Texas, reminds everyone that if you go there, you end up dizzy-headed from alcohol. And that circumstance, I might add, is clearly nothing to crow about.

What's more, this nightclub's owner might as well declare to all prospective customers, "After you leave this nightclub, City of Austin police officers will gladly test you on whether your 'dizzy-headedness' comprises an alleged violation of the state penal code. Are you guilty of public intoxication, at that point? Even worse, are you driving a motor vehicle while intoxicated? These are questions that Austin Police Department officers will be exploring with you immediately after you leave 'The Dizzy Rooster'."

That type of warning from the nightclub's owner would provide a helpful public service. But it would be even more helpful to Central Texans if "The Dizzy Rooster" would consider converting into a wholesome, family-friendly, child-friendly, alcohol-free business --- a tea and fruit juice parlor, for instance --- that does NOT leave its patrons "dizzy-headed."

"The Dizzy Rooster"'s name also serves as a reminder that this nightclub is a possible spawning ground for sadomasochistic, or S&M, activities. "We take mischievous pride in causing you to feel very, very dizzy and unbalanced after you leave here," the owner of this nightclub might as well declare to prospective customers. "We provide the S, as in 'Sadist,' and you customers provide the 'M,' as in 'Masochist'! Only a masochist like yourself would want to torture your brain with a dizzy-headed sensation over a multi-hour period that you had inflicted on yourself here!"

The name "Dizzy Rooster" also reminds me, in fact, of the many Oklahomans who traditionally have sponsored cock-fighting as one of their "sources of enjoyment." It is possible that some of those Oklahomans have forced some of their roosters to consume alcohol before a cockfight. That traditional pastime by all too many Oklahomans remains, to this day, a source of major shame for our neighoring state to the north.

---"LICK IT BITE IT OR BOTH" homemade cupcake and homemade ice cream eatery.

The name for this commercial eating establishment in Austin, Texas, borders on public lewdness---so much so that if a store bearing this name had instead opened up in early 20th Century Austin, the Vice Squad of the Austin Police Department would have arrested the owner of the store on opening day.

"Lick It Bite It Or Both" flaunts a shockingly suggestive name for itself that appears to have been sponsored by the combined editorial department staffs of "Playboy" Magazine and "Playgirl" magazine---assuming that "Playboy" and "Playgirl" would agree to collaborate on a store-naming project of this type.

In our heavily oversexed city of Austin, a city where virtually no one is ever labeled as "promiscuous" for fear that that label might appear "judgmental" or "uncool," this store raises the question of just how low a business should ever stoop in order to attract customers.

"If you are looking for a figurative fellatio experience, a subliminal oral sex experience, a figurative French-kissing experience, a subliminal Hickey experience, or a figurative cunnilingus experience, this is THE PLACE in Austin to visit as a paying customer," the owner of "Lick It Bite It or Both" might as well declare to all Central Texans.

What the owner of this store apparently failed to acknowledge is that many Austinites are NOT receptive to a sexually-suggestive message of this type from a business. Many Austinites are happily married or emphasize strictly-platonic (non-sexual) relationships in their own life.

Furthermore, the apparent flirtation with sexual imagery in the store's name is tragically inappropriate for a store where many of the customers are probably children and other youths under age 17.

The sexual suggestiveness of the store's name comes across as embarrassingly sophomoric. "But I would hate to insult the high school sophomores in Austin, Texas, by suggesting that they had anything to do with this store's name," the tactful observer hastens to add.

"Lick It Bite It Or Both" inevitably calls to mind a pathetically weak and lewd-sounding line found in numerous Hollywood comedy movies and numerous American television comedy shows. "So bite me!" a character in a comedy will declare with a defiant sneer on that person's face, followed by automatic laughter from the audience in the movie theater or from an implied television "audience in the background." One such vulgar "Bite Me!" outburst came from the waitress "Laverne" or "Shirley," I believe the character's name was, in a late 20th Century television series featuring scenes inside a cafe in the United States.

Even if this cupcake and ice cream store in Austin, Texas, had been named without any deliberate sexual innuendo behind it all, there are at least two very solid reasons for evaluating this store name as very, very weak.

First, This store's name is embarrassingly ungrammatical. The store name is a bad influence on our nation's youths, since this store teaches our youths that they have no need to use punctuation in a phrase or list of this type that contains three separate elements. The correct punctuation for the store's chosen name should, in fact, have been: "Lick It, Bite It, or Both."

Second, and perhaps most important of all, the store's name is dismayingly vague. The official name of this business fails to immediately clarify for customers exactly WHAT is being offered for sale or sold inside that store. After all, there are numerous food products --- pudding, for instance -- that can be either licked or eaten, or licked and eaten.

---"VIVO" Mexican-style restaurant.
This name for a Mexican restaurant in Austin, Texas, appears to be innocent enough, on first blush. "I live," the owner of this restaurant is apparently declaring to anyone who contemplates dining here.

"Vivo," to those unfamiliar with the Spanish language, is the first-person conjugation of the Spanish verb "vivre"---to live. "Vivo," translated into English, is "I live."

Upon reflection, an observer of this "Vivo" name for a Mexican restaurant can detect an eerie, almost taunting quality to it all.

Why, one wonders, did the owner of this restaurant choose to publicly emphasize that he himself is still alive? Was he himself possibly attacked many years ago by Mexican Mafia thugs in Austin, Texas? After he survived that alleged homicide attempt and possibly "made peace" with the Mexican Mafia in a law-abiding manner on his part, did he then decide to open up a restaurant to celebrate his second chance at life?

That theory, though, fails to explain why the name of the restaurant would fail to reflect the grateful owner's desire to help others. Why didn't the owner of this restaurant emphasize through his choice of name for his eatery that if you dine inside "Vivo", he will do everything humanly possible, in the finest display of Mexican-style hospitality, to help YOU, the paying customer, enjoy a full and natural medical longevity and a full, creatively-vital, human life.

Why, for instance, didn't the owner of this restaurant decide to name it "VIVES," which translates as "YOU LIVE", or "TU VIDA LARGA," WHICH TRANSLATES AS "YOUR LONG LIFE."?

The "I live" declaration from the owner invites suspicion. Inevitably the observer of this restaurant lands upon the possible theory, whether rightly or wrongly, that the owner of "Vivo" through his choice of name for this eatery may be "secretly sneering" at many of his prospective customers.

"I myself live," that restaurant owner appears to be declaring with a possible ominous ring to his tone of voice. "But as for you, your chances of remaining alive after you dine here are not as good as my own! Haven't you ever heard of today's Mexican Mafia here in Austin, Texas? The Mexican Mafia of today are a lot more powerful and violent than they were back when they tried to turn my own life into a 'Tequila Sunset' vanishing act many years ago. If you provoke the Mexican Mafia in any way, they would dearly love to cause you to suddenly disappear from Austin, Texas, and never again be heard from!"

At the very least, the eerie name for this restaurant reminds a fair-minded observer of the fictional international crime-fighting scene in which the heroic British Secret Service spy James Bond repeatedly triumphed.

"As you may have guessed," the owner of 'Vivo' restaurant in Austin, Texas, might as well announce to the entire world, "the James Bond movie title I liked the best was 'Live and Let Die.' In my role as a restaurant owner who knows very well that there is a sizable and brutal Mexican Mafia presence here in Austin, Texas, in the year 2010, my own favorite saying is a slight variation upon that famous movie title. My favorite saying is: "I live, and I let YOU DIE!'

---"THE LUCKY DUCK."
This disastrous name for a pizza parlor in Austin, Texas, raises an immediate question: Would you want to eat a pizza featuring slices of cooked duck as a leading ingredient?

For 99 percent of all Austinites, the answer to that question would probably be "no," though possibly some Chinese-American residents of Austin might savor that prospect. Ducks are traditionally a favorite source of food among people of Chinese ancestry, from what I understand.

"Duck meat is too greasy for my tastes," most Austin residents might point out in response to a survey question exploring the subject. "And it's not just the greasiness that bothers me. The flavor of duck is unpleasant compared with the flavor of chicken or turkey."

If this pizza restaurant does not, in fact, offer duck-meat pizzas, a follow-up question inevitably arises: Is "The Lucky Duck" possibly guilty of deceptive trade practices? Why hasn't anyone complained about "The Lucky Duck" to the Austin-based Consumer Protection Division of the Office of the Attorney General state agency of the State Government of Texas?

Another theory about "The Lucky Duck" is that the owner of this pizza restaurant in Austin happens to be a University of Oregon alumnus. And he is thrilled that the Ducks varsity football squad has qualified to play in the NCAA collegiate varsity national football championship game for the fall of 2010 season.
This raises the question of whether the apparent University of Oregon alumnus businessman in Austin, Texas, plans to change the name of his pizza parlor to "The Unlucky Duck" if the Oregon collegiate football squad loses its championship game against Auburn University in January 2011.

---"AMERICAN GIRL CAFE GRILL."
The obviously disastrous name of this restaurant situated in Lago Vista (about 20 miles from Austin, Texas), invites incredulity and indignation from Central Texans.

First, Is this restaurant an exclusive "All-Girls Club" with an all-pink interior decor that discourages men and male youths from ever visiting the place as paying customers?

Second, Is this restaurant discouraging men and male youths from applying for jobs here?

The name of the restaurant appears to invite Central Texan men and Central Texan male youths to file employment-discrimination legal complaints against "American Girl" with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) of the United States Department of Labor.

Those discrimination complaints might complain in writing that "American Girl" does not adequately encourage men and male youths to apply for paying jobs there. The complaints might also state that "American Girl" allegedly fails to grant an adequate number of job interviews to men and male youths who apply there, and also allegedly fails to hire or promote men and male youths for job vacancies at "American Girl."

Additional employment-discrimination complaints against "American Girl Cafe Grill" might be filed by women over age 30 who allege that they were denied a job opportunity with "American Girl Cafe Grill" because "this restaurant prefers to hire women age 30 or younger," as an EEOC complaint filed by a 50-year-old woman might state in asserting that the complainant was discriminated against because of her age.

---"COFFEE DOG" coffee house.
The owner of this coffee house in Austin, Texas, apparently failed to note that dogs almost never drink coffee. In fact, in my entire life I have never once observed ANY member of the canine species licking coffee from a cup or bowl.

Furthermore, dogs are generally not noted for elegance. If the owner of this coffee house wishes to attract classy customers, he has failed very miserably through his choice of name for his business. It seems, in fact, that he prefers customers who are boorish and "mutt"-like.

---"CAFE CAFFEINE" coffee house.
The embarrassingly crass name for this coffee house in Austin, Texas, suggests that the owner primarily seeks to sponsor caffeine addictions in all of his customers.

"If you aren't already addicted to caffeine, please visit me so I can help you get hooked on that licit drug ASAP," the owner might as well declare to all of Austin. "I don't claim that caffeine-injections into your bloodstream that I offer you as an option will strike you as a fun experience. Nor do I claim that the cups of coffee I am selling here actually TASTE good. The flavor and taste of 'Cafe Caffeine' coffee is completely irrelevant. My goal as a local business owner is to trigger an addiction to caffeine in as many customers as possible. That is my raison d'etre: I'm a 'Caffeine Fiend', as I like to joke to my friends. I'm also a Caffeine Dealer, and it's all strictly legit. No law-enforcement agency will ever confiscate any of my bags of coffee in a search for contraband. And if the Austin police do ever detect anything in my Colombian coffee bags that shouldn't be there, my attorney will get me of jail within minutes! I'll be completely innocent, since I definitely had nothing to do with anything illicit at all!"

---"A PLUS A SICHUAN GARDEN."

This very weak name for a Chinese restaurant in Austin, Texas, suggests that the owner was undecided as to whether to assign a report card grade to his own restaurant of "A-plus" or "A."

"It's either an 'A-plus' (highest-possible rating) restaurant or an 'A' (next-highest-rating) restaurant," the owner might as well announce to the entire world. "I decided to put both of those report card grades in the official name of our eatery to invite our customers to decide which of the two ratings is correct."

The awkwardness of this locally owned restaurant's name is revealed whenever a Central Texan restaurant diner attempts to imagine a Central Texan married woman saying to her husband, "Honey, let's go to 'A Plus A Sichuan Garden' tonight. I'm very much in the mood for Sichuan cuisine."

The other awkward aspect to this name derives from the semantic implications of a "Double A."

Embedded in the consciousness of all Central Texans lies an awareness that the Alcoholics Anonymous non-profit group routinely gets identified as "A.A." Does the name of this Chinese-style restaurant suggest that this eatery in Austin, Texas, is possibly owned and operated by recovering alcoholics?

Any such subliminal message to the Central Texan consumer --- and that subliminal message has a life of its own, regardless of whether all of the employees of this restaurant in their everyday lives either drink alcohol "never," "only rarely," or "only in moderation," as each of the employees of this eatery might politely state if asked about their own alcohol-related lifestyle --- is decidedly disastrous, from a public relations standpoint.

That "recovering alcoholics" subliminal message is disastrous partly because prospective customers are invited to speculate on whether a chef or manager or member of the waitstaff at 'A Plus A' has possibly suffered a very recent departure from his avowedly alcohol-free lifestyle.

If so, did he consume drinking-alcohol a few hours before he began his current workshift at 'A Plus A'? If he is in fact intoxicated while on duty---if he's on the job while under the influence of alcohol, based on the criteria of the Texas Department of Public Safety state law-enforcement agency----might this also imply that he's unreliable and could endanger the personal safety and medical health of paying customers dining inside 'A Plus A Sichuan Garden'?

---"THE PIT" restaurant.
This name for a locally owned barbecue restaurant in Austin, Texas, is disastrous because the name invites prospective customers to ask themselves, "Why would I want to dine inside ANY restaurant that openly admits to being 'the pits'?"

The owner of this restaurant must have been aware when he named this eatery many years ago that the traditional American English slang term 'the pits' implies that something is pathetically weak and undesirable.

Furthermore, even if one views the name of this restaurant in strictly literal terms, the name still comes across as very weak. ""I'm told that the meat here is barbecued in a pit, but that doesn't say much about the quality of the food being served here to customers," a prospective customer might understandably ask himself. "Does this name tell me ANYTHING about the flavor or taste of the barbecued meat being produced commercially inside this locally owned restaurant in Austin, Texas?"

"The Pit" restaurant name also suggests to prospective customers that if they enter the lobby of this restaurant, they will be immediately escorted down a tortuous staircase into a sunken dining room "pit" area where all dining tables are situated.

"In the event of a fire here, you customers are expected to quickly climb up that staircase in single file in order to exit from our restaurant," as the owner through his choice of name for his eatery might as well declare to the entire world. "We don't promise that you'll be able to evacuate the restaurant in time to avoid being burned by our restaurant fire. However, we are very hopeful, at least, that you'll be able to evacuate this place in time to save your life! And you'll have a very nice story to tell all your friends and relatives about how you survived the Great Fire at 'The Pit' on that unfortunate day when you chose to dine here!"
"And in a worst-case scenario in which you get fatally injured by fire while dining here, at least you will have enjoyed an excellent meal as your 'Last Supper' experience, so to speak," the owner of this restaurant might as well also note. "We take pride in offering superior-quality barbecue that Central Texans would be willing to die for!"