Those Ever-Quotable New Yorkers: What They Might Have Said To One Another Had I Been There to Jot Down Notes on a Notepad:

 ---"The Neighborhood Watch concept implies that I have neighbors I can trust who will call 911 for me if they see evidence of a home invasion crime victimizing me inside  my locked apartment unit. The more likely scenario is that all of my neighbors are getting paid by an organized crime group to pretend they saw nothing and heard nothing when some Mafia thug breaks into my unit."

--"Being a New Yorker means your daily  intellectual stimulation consists of trying to figure out every day of your life which of the dozens of Mafia groups here is the one most likely to break into your home. There's the Chinese Mafia, the Mexican Mafia, the Italian Mafia, the Jewish Mafia, the Russian Mafia, the  Black Mafia, and the Irish Mafia. So you try to steer clear of anyone fitting any of those descriptions. But then you suddenly learn about a Mafia group composed of members of your own ethnic and racial group, and you wonder which of the  white Anglo-Saxon persons you've met is on the take."

---"I could get rich fast if I wrote or edited a 'Complete and Comprehensive  Guidebook to the  Mafia Gangs of New York'. Everyone here would buy that book and then  require everyone in their household to study that book as if their life depended on it."

---"One of the reasons why I don't socialize with professional criminologists is that they are generally too sympathetic to members of the criminal element. A prime example is the criminologist I recently met during coffee hour at my church. He told me he did his dissertation  on the role of poor nutrition in violent  felony crimes being  committed every day  in our city."

---"Personally, I have lost all respect for defense attorneys who use the Junk Food Addiction Defense in explaining to a jury and judge why their teenage client committed a very bloody first-degree homicide. Eating potato chips and ice cream every day doesn't explain the firing of a gun at someone."

---"My primary complaint about NYPD's style in home invasion violent crime investigations is they almost never subpoena bank account records for each and every one of the neighbors of the victim who had a view of the victim's apartment unit. My theory is that the majority of the neighbors who don't call the police were paid by the perpetrator not to squeal to the cops. Then if you look at those neighbors' personal bank  account records, you find a mysterious $10,000 deposit into their savings account a day or two after the home invasion homicide."

---"Any guidebook on how to survive here in New York will tell you you should NEVER tell anyone that you don't own any weapon. That is the biggest mistake you can ever make here. Your chances for surviving the next 24-hour period are always significantly better if no one in this entire metro area  knows for sure that you don't own a gun."

---"I'm an expert on the subject of which  NYPD officer is the most strategic one to become friends with. I recently  invited the highest rated NYPD Crime Prevention Officer to have lunch  with me. Your strategy of buddying up with the 'NYPD Homicide Detective of the Year' award winner will get you nowhere. If he helps you out, it will only be that after you turn into a corpse he identifies your murderer faster than if you were a complete stranger to him."

---"One of my own claims to fame here is that NYPD has twice declined to give me a lie detector test even though I requested it from them on two separate occasions. They already know I am very honest and factually accurate about my being a crime victim and complainant. I had requested the lie detector tests on myself because I wanted to provide NYPD with convincing forensic evidence that my reports to them about being victimized every night by home invasion sex crimes during my sleep were completely accurate."

---"If anyone ever breaks into my locked apartment, I plan to have my attorney ask NYPD to administer a lie detector test to each of my neighbors.  They are the obvious suspects. I am completely sure  they would each fail a lie detector test from NYPD that asks them if they know who broke into my unit, and whether they got paid by someone  not to share information they had about that break-in."