AN ORAL HISTORY OF NEW YORK CITY, COMPILED FROM IMAGINARY EAVESDROPPER'S REPORTS AT PUBLIC PLACES IN A FICTIONAL MANHATTAN

 ---"When someone dies from COVID-19, should their body be dedicated to medical science for future research or should the body be cremated or buried? This is one of the burning questions of the day that I think anyone who's conscientious should be asking."

---"I don't remember any recent news story about a CEO who died from COVID-19. Did I miss that news story, or does being a CEO give you a certain immunity to that type of virus?"

---"Does current employment law protect you from being fired if you accidentally infect your boss with the COVID-19 virus? I need to talk with my attorney about that. I like to be prepared for any worst-case scenario that might develop here for me in my career."

---"This pandemic will make me a lot more savvy about which dogs are the most huggable. Since it is medically risky to hug humans during this medical crisis, I need to figure out which dogs are the most huggable for an Anglo gentleman of my height and build. I am 6 feet tall and medium build."

---"So which of the Broadway plays and which of the off-Broadway plays are exploring the implications of COVID with the greatest insight? I would like to get a videotape of that live performance and watch it in the safety of my solo-occupancy apartment."

---"I wish I could make a deal with Broadway that I could pay them good money for videotapes of their best and most entertaining live-theater plays. I don't mind if they were done in the pre-covid period. That could still boost my morale and cheer me up inside my unit. Maybe I should get videotapes of the best Broadway comedies from the most recent pre-covid period. No one would have to wear a mask in the production, which would be a visual and emotional relief for me."

---"So who's your favorite skyscraper architect? You can't call yourself a New Yorker without having an all-time favorite skyscraper architect to praise at a cocktail party."

---"If I do visit the Bronz Zoo again, I will ask them which of the animals there can be carriers of diseases, and how to avoid visiting that section of the zoo. I will definitely make a point of NOT getting close to any minks when I visit that zoo, since they are confirmed carriers."

---"Not even the faith healers are claiming to have cured anyone from COVID-19. So this is one emerging news story that is turning into unfavorable PR for fundamentalist Christians. Being a Christian does not protect you from being destroyed this disease."

---"I miss the coffee hours in church the most. It wasn't the sermons, though usually there would be at least 10 minutes of each sermon I wanted to take home with me as food for thought. The coffee hours give you a chance to meet new persons. If you're single, they increase your chances for making personal friends in a city where impersonal relationships are pretty much the norm. If New Yorkers took a truth serum, they might even identify themselves at cocktail parties by saying, 'This is my impersonal-relationship partner, and the word 'heartfelt' has been banned from our household.'"

---"I am much more likely to invite someone into my home if I met them at a coffee hour after a church service. So this is one of the criteria I go by as a single adult condo unit owner here. I figure that people who meet me at a coffee hour are less likely to steal from me. They are more likely to have memorized what the Ten Commandments, which can be helpful to me as a condo unit owner."

---"If you gave a pop quiz to each of the adult residents of New York on the subject of the Ten Commandments, I would estimate that 90 percent would fail that test. They might remember being asked not to kill, but that's about as conscientious as they get here. And even if they recall 'thou shalt not kill', they would put an asterisk next to that statement and add, 'Except in cases of self-defense, as every New Yorker knows, and I wouldn't be here to take this test if it weren't for my success at defending myself with a weapon of my own against an illegal intruder who threatened to kill me inside my apartment.'"

---"Maybe they should re-do the signs that greet you as you enter our city. Maybe those signs should declare, 'Welcome to New York---City Under Siege 365 Days Per Year'."

---"Personally, I think the signs greeting you as you enter New York City should say, 'Welcome to New York---A Place Where No One Will Ever Call You Paranoid for Being Fearful All the Time'.

---"Maybe I should hire a running coach. The ability to run fast can be a life-saver here, especially if you can find an athletic coach who can teach you how to zig zag while running super-fast away from the mobster pointing a gun at you."

--"If you're a Mover and Shaker here, and only 10 percent of us fit that description, you are always being subject every day of your life to someone trying to bribe you and lead you astray. I plan to make that point in the next speech I give to a civic group here. I plan to urge their members to always say 'no' to bribe offers, no matter how lucrative the deal that they offer you."

---"Maybe you could start up a non-profit group that creates a new website with a title such as , 'I- Rejected-a-Bribe-In-New-York dot com.' This might earn some much-deserved praise for the ones who are courageous and have a conscience."

---"If you don't have a conscience here, this means you can pass a lie detector test without sweating. So that is one tangible benefit to being yet another business owner here who has ZERO conscience. The police can't arrest you or detain you if you pass the lie detector test. And you pass the lie detector test because questions about illegal stuff you've done don't faze you one bit."

--"I think any ethical New Yorker has a need for a class on Bribery and Extortionism and Financial Crimes and how to avoid being guilty of them. There must be so many felony crimes you can commit in this city without even realizing it. We have all these con artists who will talk you into all kinds of ventures that get you in big trouble because you suddenly learn that those ventures are flagrantly illegal."

---"Is it true that if you commit a federal offense in New York, the prison you go to is like a country club compared with the state prison you would otherwise have ended up in had your crime not been classified as federal? This suggests that federal offenders are playing lots of golf at their federal prison, and I personally question whether it's actually like that if you actually do get sent to a federal prison."

---"I do agree with you, Paul, that we have an urgent need for a new guidebook with a title such as, 'How to Avoid Committing a Financial Crime In Manhattan Without Realizing It'."

---"I'm actually torn about whether I prefer to meet new acquaintances here who are from out of town or new acquaintances who were raised in New York. Some days I like to imagine myself as this grand tour guide showing a newcomer my favorite cultural attractions here. It makes me feel like an expert on our city when I do that. Other days, I prefer to meet a new acquaintance who has lots of connections to lots of Movers and Shakers here. Shaking hands with that insider can feel a bit like adding another reference to my resume."

---"The best bosses here are the ones who actually welcome constructive suggestions on how our company could do it better. I would say maybe 20 percent of the bosses at workplaces here welcome suggestions of that type. The rest label you as a trouble maker rocking the boat and they plot and scheme to get you fired before you do any damage to their own status and salary level."