Tuesday, June 13, 2017


---"I wish I had memorized all the flags of the world. Whenever I watch a pro tennis match on television, half the time I cannot figure out where the player came from based on the flag display on my TV screen. And now I will have to memorize the flag design for Latvia, after that phenomenal come-from-behind finals match triumph by a Latvian woman in the women's finals at the French Open."

---"Personally, I feel that every New Yorker should be required to attend a 'Memorize the Flags of the World Workshop' here at least once per year. That will make us more sensitive to all the international residents and international visitors we have here. Many of them come here with flag decals and flags from their native country. Hospitality in Manhattan demands full memorization of as many flag designs as possible from around the world. And if we don't show full interest in the flags of the world, we might lose our host city status at the UN. Donald Trump is so offensive to foreign countries that unless we prove we're super-hospitable and accommodating toward foreign citizens here, the whole UN could get moved to Geneva."

--"Since we can't get rid of graffiti in New York, maybe we should at least sponsor a citywide art contest in which several reputable art critics serve as judges evaluating the graffiti on display in public places, such as under bridges and on subway trains. Those judges then vote on which graffiti wins first prize for Best Graffiti Art of the Year in New York. Since graffiti is by definition anonymous and the winner would be impossible to identify, besides which the winner violated the law by putting graffiti on public property, the $20,000 first prize payment of money could automatically go instead toward highly-rated graffiti-removal specialists who eliminate from public view as much of the graffiti as possible that did not win any prize for artistic merit in our most recent citywide contest."

---"Everyone assumes that because I'm a New Yorker, I am an expert on the etiology of the word 'f-u-c-k'. And I'm not an expert on that subject. I find it offensive that my cousins and uncles and aunts who live in other states all assume I know 'A to Z' about profane language and have earned a PhD in Profanity Studies. I have to explain to them that there is NO PhD in Profanity Studies currently being offered by any of the universities or colleges here in Manhattan. They are always amazed when I mention that to them. But I am very careful NOT to react to their astonishment by shouting profanity at them from my end of the phone line. I don't want to prove their point about New Yorkers by turning potty-mouthed myself in any of my phone conversations with my out-of-state relatives."

---"Personally, I wish New York had a tradition in which the Mayor is required to give a five-minute locally televised speech about his favorite non-profane vocabulary word and why he loves that word so much. This would help to promote non-profane speech here, especially if all of the public school classes were required to watch that five-minute televised speech. That annual tradition might even contribute to a 10 percent reduction in the number of F-words your eardrums are assaulted by every day here in Manhattan."

---"In my own life, I tend to eliminate any prospective friend who verbalized the F-word more than once in an everyday conversation with me. I realize that sounds strict, but I feel there are plenty of talented and interesting and creative New Yorkers who are patient and polite, and limit themselves to G-rated vocabulary."

--"Personally, I always look forward to every Sunday in New York, since it is the only day of the week when the F-word perpetrators seem to agree to a truce to their verbal bombs they hurl at everyone. It is positively divine to get through an entire day here without hearing lots of obscenities and profanity, and Sundays are definitely the best bet for relief in that way. I am not including what goes on at New York Giants games on Sundays, though. I realize that could get rather vulgar, if you listened closely to what the fans are verbalizing."

---"I find it hard to distinguish between real life in New York and the fictional crime shows on television that I'm obsessed with watching every week. Whenever I walk outdoors in Manhattan, I'm eternally astonished that I don't run into Detective Olivia Benson from NYPD's Special Victims Unit. I feel sure she would want to interview me about what it feels like for me to be a continuous rape-crimes victim in a case that never gets identified by any of the real-world NYPD colleagues as an actual crime case. Detective Benson is obviously a lot more competent at what she does than any of the real-life sex-crimes detectives here who are the ones who realistically speaking might ever interview me, if they ever do wisen up and figure out my crime-victim status here. But with widespread corruption and rampant lack of insight by so many of our city's finest in the real-world version of NYPD, I doubt I would ever even get asked for an interview at police headquarters with any of the sex-crimes detectives here."

--"Maybe you should wear a T-shirt around town that bears the message, 'Ask Me About my CV Status Here' wherever you leave your apartment here in Manhattan. Sooner or later some NYPD detective will actually come up with the clever idea of approaching you to ask you what 'CV' stands for. Then you could explain to that NYPD officer that you're a still-undetected Continuous-Rape-Crimes Victim here, and you'd welcome forensic DNA-trace swabs on every organ and every orifice of your body ASAP, with the clear prior understanding that NYPD might be willing to obtain forensic DNA trace results for you going back as far as possible, such as 190 back, for more thorough results that will hold up in a courtroom here."

---"I'm very relieved that President Trump has not made a public statement yet about which vegetable he dislikes the most. I will never forgive President George Bush Sr. for having famously declared that he does not like broccoli. That public statement Bush made in the 1990s severely harmed the ability of American parents to persuade their children to eat that highly-rated vegetable very crucial to their health. 'I'm ordered by President Bush not to eat any broccoli,' the 10-year-olds of America would reply to their parents at the family dinner table. So if Trump does publicly denounce a vegetable, I hope he picks one that is not as crucial to human health as broccoli. I could handle it if he publicly announces that he does not like celery, for instance."

--"I have had so many New Yorkers tell me that they don't have anything in common with me, that I'm tempted to have a creative new T-shirt of my very own specially made for me that declares, 'YOU DO HAVE A LOT IN COMMON WITH ME IF YOU LIKE TENNIS, RACQUETBALL, PADDLE-BOATING, ROLLER-SKATING, HIKING, ICED TEA, HOT TEA, GREEN TEA, WORLD PEACE, HUMMUS, BROWN RICE, AND RATIONAL GOAL-SETTING.' I would find it very entertaining to see the reactions I get from other New Yorkers during my leisuretime."

---"The only consolation about North Korea is that any bombs they hurl at us are are more likely to strike the west coast or Hawaii than the northeast. But it feels perverse to even mention that type of consolation. I love so much of the wholesome agricultural produce I get from California. So that is one very tangible reason for protecting California against any hypothetical attack by North Korea. I could not be happy without my beloved avocados from California."

---"I find it very ironic that while New York is the Cosmetics Capital of the United States, I would be completely stumped if you asked me which type of make-up our mayor wears every day. Maybe the question should be directed to his wife, if I can somehow recall her first name. But she may not want to make a public statement on behalf of the Cosmetics Industry here in New York. After all, that could imply that her own facial complexion is very lacking without make-up to save her face. And do you really expect her to admit that to the news media here?"

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