SOME OF THE OTHER SEMI-FICTITIOUS COMMENTS I MIGHT HAVE OVERHEARD IN NEW YORK CITY, HAD I BEEN THERE AT THE TIME:

 

---"My 9-year-old son, Harold, plans to do a research project to find out how many other cities of the U.S. contain three or more words in their official city name. I told Harold I'm sure it will make for an interesting oral report in front of his class, and he should get a lot of extra credit for that project. Harold is very competitive, and I think he wants to be ranked number 1 or number 2, at least, by the end of his second-grade year. I told Harold not to worry about his class ranking during his second grade year. He can wait until sixth grade year before he gets very focused on that goal."

---"Here I thought my 9-year-old son, Eric, had already claimed the prize for leading luminary at his elementary school. Eric on his own initiative decided to write and deliver an oral report explaining the difference between a peninsula, a cape, and an isthmus. His classmates fell asleep on him during his oral report, but the teacher was delighted. She said she is very sure Eric will make a fine Professor of Geography someday, and she is willing to provide him with a very favorable reference when he applies for a job of that type, she announced in front of the entire class."

--"I have told my eight-year-old son that I want him to write to our Mayor and ask the Mayor to mail my son a detailed resume showing how the Mayor got from point A to point B to point C, etc., in his ambition of getting elected Mayor for our entire City. I feel sure this will help to teach Sean to plan his entire life as if he himself were the author of an autobiographical resume, above all else. I want Sean to feel fully devoted to making his personal and professional resume as flattering and productive and creative as possible, with a favorite quote or slogan that Sean came up with also being highlighted on that resume. One quote I suggested to Sean is: 'My stature is as High as our Tallest Skyscraper'".

--"I find it funny to imagine a scenario in which our Italian mayor might get divorced. Instead of serving Italian Wedding Cookies at that divorce ceremony, I feel sure our mayor might ask a professional chef to create some tasty Italian Divorce Cookies for all invited guests at that divorce ceremony to enjoy."

---"The obvious question you should ask our Italian-American mayor is: Which Italian restaurant is his favorite? That's what I like about having an Italian-American mayor here. If you run out of things to say to him, you can always ask him to name his favorite Italian restaurant and his all-time favorite entree to order. This is assuming our Italian-American mayor will let you meet him for an appointment in the Mayor's Office. Maybe if you attend a City Council meeting and ask a good question there that impresses the Mayor, you'll have a better chance of scheduling an appointment with him in the Mayor's Office. And be sure to smile when you pose a good question to the Mayor at a City Council meeting. This will reassure him that you're a nice guy."

---"At least with an Italian-American mayor, you never worry about their getting a heart attack while in elective office. I read somewhere that Italians don't get heart attacks nearly as often as Americans. I'm assuming that the dietary lifestyle of our Mayor is very similar to what most Italians eat in Europe, but my assumption may be incorrect. It's nice to sense, at least, that you won't be turning on the television news and then suddenly see a reporter asking a cardiologist for an update on the Mayor's medical health."

---"My wife and I plan to celebrate our wedding anniversary by riding the subway together for several consecutive hours. We want the last subway stop to be very romantic, and we can't decide which stop best fits that description. We thought it would be fun to kiss when we reach that particular subway stop that has been voted by subway riders as Lovers Leap Stop--the favorite stop for lovers to deboard and leap into love-making in a strictly legal context."

--"I never did find out whether our mayor has any relatives in Sicily, and if so, can he prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are all law-abiding?"

--"I am surprised I haven't seen any headline in the "The Daily News" in which an Italian citizen  distant relative of our mayor in Europe reveals that he was asked by the Mayor not to attend any media event in which the mayor-elect was present. The request was made because the Mayor-elect did not want to be publicly embarrassed by his obscenity-prone relative from Italy."

---"I find it ironic that our mayor is Italian. Every time I read about government in Italy, the accounts I read say that Italians are notorious for being inefficient. It takes them 10 times longer to build a bridge, that type of bad PR for the Italian government. Maybe our mayor has some ancestry in Germany, so he can declare that he's of course very efficient and industrious, while also proud of having lots of Italian charm."

---"With an Italian mayor in charge here, you wonder if he's going to have any of our street names changed to the Italian language in order to increase our appeal to prospective Italian tourists."

---"The COVID-19 crisis gives you a great opportunity to express your love for someone in a very cerebral manner. There's never any risk of bodily contact with anyone during the current medical crisis, so you feel free to declare your adoration for your chosen favorite with as much zeal and gusto as you like."