HOW NEW YORKERS TALK: ANOTHER IMAGINARY EAVESDROPPER'S VISIT TO MANHATTAN

---"As a taxpayer, I am outraged they haven't renamed Battery Park with a more cheerful name! No one wants to be reminded of all the assault and battery cases that occur in this city! It's like a kick in the teeth whenever I hear anyone refer to Battery Park!"

---"I might have more of a sense of humor about Battery Park's name if it weren't for the fact that I've had to file assault and battery charges against perpetrators here at least 20 times in the last five years.  I would estimate that 10 percent of our city's residents openly cite 'assault and battery' on their resume as one of their leading pastimes."

--"I have never heard of any other park in the entire world that's named 'Battery Park'. Whoever named this park has got to be the stupidest person in our entire city's history! Or is that the most stupid person? I cannot recall which is grammatically correct, 'stupidest' or 'most stupid'."

--"I agree with you, Paula. There should be a contest to invite everyone to come up with a better name for Battery Park. This might help to attract more tourists to our city, since prospective visitors might look upon that municipal park as a nice place for having an outdoor picnic."

---"Sarah is so philanthropic that she plans to sponsor a Homeless New Yorkers Fashion Show that highlights T-shirts and rags and ripped blue jeans as a form of trendy chic new look in our city. I love the fact that Sarah is promising to pay each homeless person who agrees to serve as a model in that show $10 for participating. Maybe some of the homeless fashionwear exhibiters will even get recruited by a professional modeling agency here for a career opportunity. This is New York at its finest: Even a homeless person here has every opportunity to get discovered by talent scouts. I love the feature story headline from that in the 'Daily News': 'Rags to Riches: Homeless Models Grab Big Bucks at Garment District'."

---"When I first heard about Battery Park, I thought it was someone referring to a favorite spot where baseball players like to hang out and practice batting the ball. But then someone reminded me that the name is not Batting Park, it's Battery Park. And I admit that sounds rather grim, with all the assault and battery cases we get here! Just ask any NYPD officer, and they'll tell you!"

---"Whenever I hear you talk about the Garment District, I always wonder which items of apparel are NOT included in their repertoire. For instance, are any fashionwear belts manufactured in our Garment District? I would love to see a complete list of each category of garment that does not currently emanate from our Garment District. G-strings, for instance, are one category of garment that I personally hope is NOT being manufactured there. G-strings are ironically named, since only the X-rated ladies are the ones wearing a G-string. There's nothing G-rated about G-strings, they never appear in any of the Walt Disney movies that I take my kids to."

---"I recently talked with an NYPD officer who admitted to me that he's getting a complex from all the photogenic actors who portray our city's finest on television. That officer told me that the real-life NYPD officers are not nearly as successful or as beautiful as the actors are. The actors are so brilliant they solve every crime in 30 minutes' time, and they have a way of making every moment eye-catching and full of razzle-dazzle. The officer told me that when he returns home from work every day, his wife greets him by asking, 'Do you know what a letdown it is to face a real NYPD officer every day inside our home? The crime shows make the cops here seem so glamorous and entertaining at all times! But living with you, Harry, is like living in Dullsville, and I hope I don't get charged with a crime for giving you my blunt opinion on that subject.'"

---"New York is like a dysfunctional marriage, without any hope of a divorce ever occurring, so both partners in that marriage are held hostage for their entire lives in that dismal non-relationship bordering on a pseudo-relationship.  To identify anything that New York is doing right as a city is a topic area beyond my own capacity to comprehend. If New York were a species of animal, it would eternally be at risk of extinction---so much so that each year some newspaper would publish a headline declaring that the Impossible had occurred, since that particular species was still dwelling on this planet!"