WIT AND WISDOM FROM NEW YORKERS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, AS IMAGINED BY A 1980s RESIDENT OF THE BOSTON AREA WHO GOT BANISHED TO TEXAS

---"I'm trying to convince President Trump to help finance a massive gymnasium and athletic club for all United Nations delegates and their families. If all UN delegates had quick access to first-rate exercise facilities at this UN compound, this could enhance their medical and emotional health and foster a 50 percent increase in the level of harmoniousness among delegates at the General Assembly here."

---"It must be overwhelming if you work at the UN this time of the year. You're under heavy pressure there to know how to say 'Merry Christmas' or 'Happy Holidays' in 100 different languages. You have to be a linguistic genius to be socially adroit under those circumstances."

---"The best way to find out if you're popular in New York is to count up the number of Holiday Season party invitations you get. This year I had zero invitations, one less than last year. So I can only conclude that my popularity rating in New York has declined 100 percent from the year before."

---"I think everyone knows of at least one taxi driver they don't want having their home address. So what most of us do is just give the driver a street intersection about five blocks from where we live. This denies the driver my physical address, which protects my personal safety. I admit, though, that I still have nightmares in which I am suddenly facing this thug inside my home who loudly informs me that he got all my personal info just from giving me a taxi ride."

---"If your taxi driver has a Russian accent, that doesn't necessarily mean that he's a Russian spy. Some of the taxi drivers with Russian accents are not paid by the Russian Government to spy on us New Yorkers."


---"I used to submit story ideas to Newsweek magazine on a frequent basis. But these days if I do something like that, I might as well be making a financial donation to the Church of Scientology. Next thing I know, I get a phone call and the caller asks me if I am ready for my Church of Scientology-sponsored personality test. Or is it the Church of Scientology that Newsweek was bought out by? Maybe I'm thinking of the Washington Times, but even there it may be the Unification Church, and not the Church of Scientology, that currently owns the Washington Times newspaper. What I need is an online website that clarifies for me in plain English which religious group owns which newspaper or magazine. That would help me to determine whether I have a prayer's chance of getting good factual info from that publication."

--"Whenever I run into anyone from the Jehovah's Witnesses world headquarters here in New York, I want to ask them point blank, 'So what exactly did you witness with your own eyes and ears?'"

---"Just think of the thousands of Jehovah's Witnesses around the world who pay an annual pilgrimage to New York by visiting their world headquarters here. That would make a fascinating feature story for The Daily News: the big boost to our city's economy that comes from those pilgrimages to New York from Jehovah's Witnesses around the world. I don't know of any other religion that can claim to have its global headquarters here.  Maybe the City of New York should sponsor a billboard sign declaring something like: 'A Warm New York-style Welcome to Each of You Jehovah's Witnesses from Around the World Who are Visiting Here! And Please Remember to Spend as Much of Your Money as Possible During Your Stay! That Money Will Go Toward The Noble Cause of Helping to Feed The Residents of Your Friendly Host City, Many of Whom are Starving!'"


----"I'd be afraid to visit Clearwater, Florida, since I'm worried that some recruiter for the Church of Scientology would knock on the front door of my hotel room and ask me if I was happy with my current personality."

---"One of the nice things about living in New York is that when you travel to other states, everyone assumes you are ultra-sophisticated. I have to explain to them that I can't afford to visit the museums here, so I'm still the simpleton I was when I relocated here from a small town in Connecticut."

---"One way to oppose lack of transparency in the White House is to insist that your elected officials for your own city, county, and state each publicly release their own most recent federal income tax returns to the news media. If enough elected officials at the local and state levels show that type of commendable accountability to the general public, President Trump might reluctantly agree to do something similar."

---"January is the month I dread the most, since it's the month when I'm suffering a hangover from all the money I spent on presents in December. Plus, January is the month when I start getting my W-2 forms that remind me that I've got to pay my income taxes for the preceding year as soon as possible. January is also a very slow month for my line of business as a restaurant waiter, since customers have no leftover money to spend after the Holidays."

---"Maybe there should be a new website that is exclusively dedicated to posting blogs from private citizens about which Christmas present they got was their all-time favorite, and why. This might promote greater empathy and selectivity by present-givers. As everyone knows, New York has one of the highest rates of any city for the number of residents who take the Christmas present they got back to the store in order to demand a refund or exchange for another present."