CONVERSATIONS TODAY IN NEW YORK CITY, AS IMAGINED BY A FORMER RESIDENT OF THE NORTHEASTERN UNITED STATES

---"The best part of the manuscript for a book that she submitted to me was the preface. After that, everything went downhill. Maybe I should send her a reply note, asking her to please make the rest of her manuscript as first-rate as her preface was."

--"Sheila told me that the day she could not recall the number of the public school she had graduated from here was the very first time she identified herself as a pre-Alzheimer's case. Oddly enough, when they eventually took Sheila to a nursing home on Long Island, she had the presence of mind to ask for a room with the same number on it as the public school she had graduated from in Brooklyn. It was very important for her to embrace that school number, even though she had long since forgotten what that number was. So a special arrangement was made to identify that school number and then post it on the front door to her room inside her nursing home. Sheila graduated into dementia with the dignity of a diploma in her hand, you might say."

---"My apartment unit is so tiny that even a toy poodle would be yelping for more room. I could be charged with cruelty toward animals if I buy a toy poodle and then subject her to my 50-square-foot apartment unit. What do you recommend that I do? Should I buy a pair of finches in a tiny cage, then hope they won't notice the fact that it's only 50-square-feet in my total apartment unit? I would hate to sense that even my finches were upset with me for providing them with too little scenery to look at from inside their cage."

---"It surprises me that you don't know the name of any of the top specialists for treatment of claustrophobia. There should be dozens of therapists for claustrophobes here in New York. Every time I enter the subway, I immediately know what the term 'elbow room only' is all about. Two of every three New Yorkers, if surveyed, would state that they are significantly claustrophobic here."

---"I don't like the term 'claustrophobia'. It implies an UNJUSTIFIABLE fear of having too little space. If you are standing on a subway and the guy next to you is breathing down your neck with a scorpion tattoo on his upper chest, it is VERY justifiable to exhibit fear of excessive proximity to him in that situation! I wish I could buy a special 'You are standing too close to me, so move or I'll call NYPD and report you!' sign that I could hold in my hands and thrust toward him whenever that space-hoarder tries to sting me with his scorpion-like proximity in the future!"

---"One of the reasons I make a point of scrubbing my elbows very thoroughly with body wash whenever I take a shower is that when I get on the subway, I always sense that some eligible bachelor is glancing at my elbows. That's about all he can ever see of me inside the subway car, so I want my elbows to be as attractive and pleasantly-scented as possible. Having nice elbows is my intro, you might say. From there, he might get closer and notice that I have beautiful eyes. So it's my elbows and my eyes that could land me a date, if I play my cards right on the subway."

---"It is virtually impossible to file a sexual harassment claim against anyone when you walk on the sidewalks of Manhattan. Many of the men here have a habit of rubbing up against you, especially if you are wearing a skirt, and if you object to their conduct, they reply that it was 'physically impossible' for them to avoid having bodily contact with you, since the sidewalks of New York are always densely packed with pedestrian traffic, and a nearby pedestrian was in the fact the one who shoved him toward your own body on the sidewalk. He was at the mercy of the mob, he says. It's obvious from his facial expression and tone of voice that he's a flagrant liar, but I can't prove it so it's like he's a serial lady molester who never gets officially charged with anything---and he even has the audacity to tell me that since we bumped into each other quite by accident, maybe this was God's way of asking him to ask me out on a date. I had all I could do to avoid slapping him in public after he said that to me! Whenever I write a best-selling book entitled 'A Complete History of Chutzpah in New York', I plan to profile that guy in my first chapter."

---"I would like to find out whether any of the best criminal defense attorneys in Manhattan are using the Claustrophobia Defense on behalf of their client in a court of law. If I were a juror, I would NEVER agree with the defense attorney who claims that the throng of humanity on the sidewalk had triggered a claustrophobic hysteria by the male defendant in which he suddenly and inexplicably grabbed the breasts of a lady walking near him. That, to me, is complete and utter nonsense, so I as a juror would vote 'Guilty' on a defendant using that type of flimsy 'The mob did it' excuse for molestation of a female pedestrian. As for the temporary insanity plea that the defense attorney might make on behalf of his lady-molesting client, I as a juror would turn a deaf ear to that attorney's absurd claim."

---"I don't claim that the New Yorkers I chat with in the teahouse scene here are better overall as human beings than the ones you encounter in the nightclub scene. But I can say for sure that the ones I run into are more likely to be sober, at least. I myself prefer to meet a new person when they're sober, since it's easier to have an actual conversation with them when they offer comments that are actually intelligible. I'm not saying 'intelligent', but 'intelligible'. When people get drunk, their words get slurred and it's impossible for me to follow what they are trying to say to me. If they aren't drunk, I can get a better sense of whether they have good reasoning skills. I want to make sure that anyone I agree to date exhibits good reasoning skills before I would even think of going out with them."

---"Do you know of any energy-efficient church here in New York? I find this tragically ironic. The churches are under heavy pressure to offer super-high ceilings, since that presumably points church-goers' focus toward where God is presumably situated in the sky. But the reality is that the electricity bills are UNGODLY that those churches incur from that architectural outreach to their cited deity!"

---"Whenever I write a Yelp review, I feel a bit like a dog that's barking so loudly that someone will declare me to be a public nuisance. I tend to turn my reviews into tirades against the business I evaluate. I guess it's just my Italian heritage. I write with lots of passion, and I  love to write with passionate disdain! It gives me a chance to sneer in public without anyone calling me rude."

---"The least that New York could do is offer an annual Best of John Lennon's Songs Concert on his birthday or the day he got assasinated here. I'm not sure which day would be more appropriate. Maybe they could have an annual musical tribute to John Lennon on BOTH of those days."

---"If I were Mayor of New York, I would insist on each month honoring each and every neighborhood of this city where no murder occurred in the most recent 30-day period. That would highlight the theme that 'you are on the right track, let's hope you can keep get honored next month, too, for no reported murders in your neighborhood.'"

----"I don't know of any city in the U.S. where a higher percentage of the residents are accustomed to standing up for hours on end when they attend a party. This means that New Yorkers who have the best posture are the ones most likely to land a date when they attend a party. Naturally the other party-goers are attracted to the ones with the best posture at the party, since everyone has all night to observe and evaluate whether other party-goers have good posture when they stand and chat or stand and sip a drink or stand and nibble on snacks. If the party-goer being evaluated doesn't have good posture, the other party-goers understandably worry that he or she might turn into a hunchback if they get married to him or her. No one wants to get married to a hunchback."

---"I find it surprising that even though I'm an expert in my field, our state's legislators have never once invited me to testify before a subcommittee hearing in Albany, much less a committee hearing in Albany. Now that, to me, is proof of corruption in our state government: the fact that no legislator in Albany has directly contacted me and and invited me to testify upstate before a committee or subcommittee."

---"Fred is so ignorant about our state that he routinely refers to Albany as Albania. I have to explain to Fred that Albany is our state capital upstate, while Albania is the place in Eastern Europe where you go to hide from the rest of the world---assuming the Albanians will even let you into their country. Alabania is a good hide-out place if you want to be ignored by every other nation on this entire planet, with the possible exception of China, since Albania and China have always been friendly to each other. And the capital of Albania is definitely not Albany. I don't know what the capital of Albania is, that's how obscure Albania is."

---"To me, living along an 'avenue' sounds a lot more impressive than living along a 'street'. It's a lot more elegant and stylish to live along an avenue. But I don't have the money to live along Fifth Avenue, the avenue I always think of as being our city's most famous thoroughfare. So which of the avenues of New York offer the most affordable rental units? I plan to limit my apartment search to apartment complexes and condo units situated along an avenue. It's a subtle distinction to make, but this is part of what identifies me as a New Yorker with a strong sense of discernment. And I love the idea of mailing out party invitations that cite my address along an elegant avenue here. It is very difficult to say 'no' to a party invitation if you sense that it will be an upwardly mobile type of very classy event, as my parties along whichever avenue it will be, will definitely be."