THE WIT AND WISDOM OF NEW YORKERS: AN APRIL 18, 2020, IMAGINARY EAVESDROPPER'S REPORT

---"This COVID-19 crisis has reminded me that one of my favorite Goddesses from ancient Greek religion was Hestia, Goddess of the Hearth. Maybe our entire family should pray to Hestia in the hopes that the dreaded virus will stay away from our home for eternity."

--"If I order a miniature replica of a statue of Hestia online, do you think I could get it delivered here in time to save our entire family from this hellish plague? I can't think of any better good-luck charm for our household than Hestia, a virgin goddess who might be just what I need as an inspiration during this period. So when the FedEx guy delivers a replica Hestia statue I paid for online, how can I be completely sure he'll be standing at least six feet from me throughout his visit and he'll be wearing his mask properly to protect me and my family from any virus he might have in his lungs?"

--"COVID-19 has tested my ability to feel tolerant toward anarchists and libertarians and Satanists who defy the government's authority to order them to wear masks in public. I do everything I can to stay as far away as possible from anyone who looks or acts likes an anarchist or libertarian or Satanist."

--"One group I feel especially sorry for are New Yorkers who fall unconscious in public without having either COVID-19 or the HIV virus. I don't know of any private citizen in New York these days who would rush to perform CPR on that complete stranger during this crisis period. No one wants to die from performing CPR on a complete stranger. The person lying on the sidewalk unconscious would be very lucky if a bystander would even call 911 for him under these circumstances in which everyone is trying to stay away from everyone else."

--"One of my theories is that President Trump has concluded that 80 percent of the persons who died from COVID-19 were planning to vote for Joe Biden in the general election in November. Based on that 80 percent estimate he's come up with, it wouldn't shock me if Trump is secretly hoping as many people as possible in each state die from COVID-19---assuming that could somehow happen without Trump being blamed for it. If they stay alive until November 5, they might vote for Trump's Democratic Party challenger, making them a major threat to King Donald."

--"If there were some way to subpoena President Trump's COVID-19 files, I predict you would find that he has already commissioned a Republican Party strategist to obtain an estimate on what percentage of the persons either dying from COVID-19 or testing positive for COVID-19 were likely to have voted for Joe Biden in November. If 51 percent or more of those individuals were likely to vote for Biden in November, President Trump may have concluded that it's against his interests to help them stay alive in the meantime."

--"One thing I am pleased about. My usually-unfaithful husband Harry doesn't seem to be pursuing prostitutes on the sly these days, since he has figured out that they are at greater risk of contracting COVID-19 than the majority of New Yorkers. During this very atypical-for-Harry crisis period, it feels wonderful to know for sure that Harry won't come home with lipstick on his face from meeting up with a hooker. He's stuck with me by default. And frankly, I'm stunned by how this has simplified my sex life with Harry for this particular multi-week period until the crisis ends. I don't have to ask him to remove the lipstick from his face before he kisses me in our master bedroom."

--"I wish I had indoor botanical plants inside our home that help to boost the immunity system. Unfortunately, when I bought plants at a botanical nursery on Long Island I forgot to ask which of them would help to increase my immunity-system by at least 10 percent. I didn't think ahead as thoroughly as I normally do."

--"I feel sure that as soon as this crisis is over, there will be a major push to have our state motto on our license plates changed from The Empire State to something innocent-sounding like 'The State That Never Sleeps'. This has been like an Empire Strikes Back experience all year, and I really hate promoting Darth Vader through our license plates!"

--"I need to do some research to find out the safest place to stand in the elevators these days. The elevators are very frightening from a virus-protection standpoint, since all the air in the elevator is getting recirculated from one group of passengers to the next. I don't see how you can avoid having the virus present somewhere in that elevator. One place in the elevator where I definitely DON'T want to be is very close to the control buttons. Everyone approaches that section of the elevator to either push a button or verify that the button they want has been pushed. Maybe the building management teams should hire elevator operators who as part of their job duties hold a sanitizer spray bottle in their hand at all times, so they can spray that entire compartment of the elevator once every 30 minutes. They could just ask the passengers in there to exit for a minute or two, while that operator eliminated the virus from the entire elevator, and I'm sure most passengers would be glad to give up that minute or two if they thought it would help them escape death in Manhattan."

--"This may seem perverse, but I would love to read a news-feature series in The New York Times that profiles each occupational group that is making more money than ever because of COVID-19. I have to think that funeral home directors are turning into millionaires because of this, and online services corporations must be hitting the jackpot from COVID-19. I know it seems a bit cruel of me to be fascinated by who the winners are, so to speak, but anytime you have a major crisis here there are going to be winners and losers."

---"I hope that NYPD's surveillance of organized crime activities has been boosted during this period. It's obvious that many thousands of New Yorkers are so financially strapped that they might have a difficult time saying 'no' if an organized crime group tried to recruit them during this period."

---"I find it odd that the ONLY fashion compliment I've gotten all month has been about the mask I'm wearing to protect me against exposure to the dreaded virus. No one comments on my hair anymore, and no one comments on my dress anymore. I feel very hurt when I hear people indicate that all they notice about me is my fashionable-looking mask I'm wearing to cover my facial features. Men don't even whistle at me anymore, which is very strange for me. It's very hard to whistle through a mask, though, so I don't take it personally."

--"Leave it to my next-door neighbor Sue to outdo me in virus-prevention strategies. Sue has designed a special facial mask for her dog to wear whenever Sue takes her pet poodle out for a walk in front of our complex. No matter what I do to be a truly first-rate homemaker, Sue is determined to prove that she is one step ahead of me at all times!"

--"I wonder whether the amount of money spent on the New York State lottery has increased during this crisis. If I ever found out that any of my relatives had spent a dime on our state lottery during this period, I would be very, very upset. You don't solve the problem by gambling! You solve the problem by eating more of the inexpensive staples like beans and brown rice and eggs inside your home to save money."

--"I hate the fact that my relatives from Upstate won't be visiting me this month, as they usually do in April, since they say they don't want to drop dead down here. I don't blame them for their decision.  But it feels a bit degrading to sense that I'm personally associated with an entire city they've labeled as a 'Ville Fatale' or 'Femme Fatale' if the Goddess of Liberty is our leading symbol. Maybe I should visit my relatives upstate this time, since they are terrified of Manhattan right now. But that would imply my taking a train or a bus or flying by plane and I would be terrorized by the other passengers if I tried doing that."

--"At least the air traffic controllers at Kennedy International Airport must be feeling a bit more relaxed these days. The number of flights they guide is way down, so the controllers at Kennedy are probably a bit bored, if anything, this month. But I have to keep in mind that the incoming and departing passengers could be a bit stressful even for the controllers, since not all of them would test negative."

--"I find it fascinating how these masks everyone is wearing are calling attention to everyone's eyes and their eyebrows. Some of the strangers I see make me wonder what the rest of their face would look like, if they removed their mask. But I can't ask them to do that. It might violate a city ordinance or state law if asked them to show me the rest of their face. This is like a Mardi Gras party in which no one is smiling or laughing and everyone is very grim at all times. The masks do pique my curiosity, though, a bit like the way Batman used to make everyone in Gotham City wonder what he looked like when he took his mask off. Bruce Wayne was actually a very attractive bachelor, in my opinion."

---"If you had your choice of eyebrows and eyes to be staring at on the subway, what would be your preferance? It's the type of subject I haven't given much thought to before. But this City of Masks, as New York might as well be dubbed, is raising this type of question for me every day."

---"I wish I could say it's like going to a fun costume party whenever I wear a mask as I leave my apartment unit. But I know for a fact this event is the very antonym of the word 'fun'. Everyone is into Anti-Fun Chic, and there is no other option unless you are a reckless librertarian or Demonic Cult member or anarchist or outlaw."

--"At least I have plenty of time during this crisis to plan my next cocktail party that I be hosting sometime in November. I might as well schedule mine for election night, when all my friends will be in a cheerful mood from the election results. I plan to find out which alcoholic beverage is preferred by the majority of Republicans, and then make sure that beverage is not offered at my party. I could also find out what the favorite non-alcoholic beverage of Donald Trump is, and I could offer that with an interesting twist to the recipe to reveal some glee over the election result in favor of Joe Biden. Or maybe I should serve Delaware Punch, in honor of Joe Biden's home state."

--"I wonder how you translate a strong work ethic into forward progress every day during this period. The only deadlines I have to meet in my everyday life this month are the time when supermarkets close earlier than usual or the designated time for filing for unemployment insurance benefits. If I miss the first deadline, I might have to go without yogurt the next morning. If I miss the second deadline, I would forfeit my unemployment insurance check for that week, which is a very horrifying scenario. I can't even make rent unless I file on time for my weekly unemployment insurance payment!"

--"I would like to be on better terms with my landlord during this period, for obvious reasons since I'm laid off from work. But how do I arrange for a virtual meeting with my landlord, and how do I offer him a virtual cup of coffee? It all seems rather abstract and esoteric, which could undermine my ability to be persuasive if I ask him to please offer me a COVID-19 rent discount for the month of May, since I've been such a good tenant here."