MORE FROM THE NEW YORK SCENE: A MID-APRIL IMAGINARY EAVESDROPPER'S REPORT

---"I think a truly great President, which Trump is not, would be promoting to the entire nation all the online career opportunities that are honorable and could be pursued on a short-term basis until the current medical crisis is over. He has completely failed on a golden opportunity he had to promote online-career ventures that can be pursued from inside the home."

---"Every morning of my life these days is like another crash course I'm taking on how to survive an ongoing MegaDisaster. I keep worrying that I'm going to flunk the course, no matter how hard I try to earn an 'A' in the course."

--"I need to look for a fashion magazine with a feature story about how to look chic during the COVID-19 crisis. I need to find out which of the scarfs and handkerchiefs being modeled by New Yorkers these days are earning them Best-Dressed accolades. Interesting how the chin area is highlighted in our fashion scene these days. No one pays any attention to your skirt or dress anymore. It's what you have covering your face that everyone is fixated on."

---"One story I haven't seen yet in the media is all the life insurance companies that are going broke from paying out tons of life-insurance money every week to beneficiaries of the most recent New Yorkers who died from COVID-19."

---"My husband made the mistake of letting all his last will and testament beneficiaries know in advance that they were included in his will. So during this COVID-19 crisis, any of those beneficiaries who tested positive could just release what looks like innocent saliva toward my husband and it could easily be fatal for him. Everyone knows he's a chain smoker. I get very angry whenever I think about New Yorkers trying to murder my dear Dave using spit as their weapon. They might even secretly hire some thug who tested positive and pay that thug to spit toward Dave's face when he's riding on the subway. That is what they call innovation in hit jobs here, and I am outraged that they would stoop that low! Is there no end to depravity here?"


---"This is one period of my life when getting kissed by a dog is always preferable to getting kissed by a human. It sounds like I'm into bestiality, but  I'm not. I just know that being kissed by my pet dog is much safer than getting kissed by my boyfriend these days."

---"Every day in New York these days makes me want to look up the word 'Misanthropy' to see if it also applies to individuals who have a JUSTIFIABLE disdain and distrust and aversion toward all other humans during this particular period."

---"Maybe they should invent a new term, such as 'Justifiable Humanophobia', to better describe what it's like to be facing all those strangers whose saliva and coughs you recoil from and very emphatically DON'T TRUST when you're outdoors hailing a taxi."

---"I need to do some research to find out which vegetables rank almost as high as broccoli for immunity-system enhancement. I have eaten so much broccoli every day to ward off COVID-19 that it almost makes me vomit from the repetitiveness of my dietary lifestyle. Maybe I should make it Brussel Sprouts every Monday, Spinach every Tuesday, Broccoli every Wednesday and Thursday, then I take Friday off to eat something I actually enjoy. Then Saturday I'd make it Cauliflower with fat-free melted cheese on top. I haven't figured out what I'll eat on Sunday, though."

--"Maybe the newspapers here should publish a daily list of which persons died here in the most recent 24-hour period. I don't think the papers have enough room to publish an obituary for each of the COVID-19 victims. I would appreciate being able to take a quick glance of names each day,  in case any of those names is someone I know."

---"I am very sure that when the COVID-19 crisis is over, all the Broadway theaters will be featuring comedy productions every day for the next six-month period. I think everyone is so tired of tragedy here that we'll all be wanting to laugh throughout that entire six-month recovery period after this crisis is over. I don't know of anyone who wants to attend a play that's an actual tragedy during this very bleak period. We're already shedding tears all day AWAY from the theater, and many of us don't have enough tears left in our tear ducts to cry in response to a tragic live-theater play production."

--"I feel that the the NYPD officers riding on horses at Central Park, our version of the Canadian Mounted Police, are very unfairly at risk of exposure to the many ill-mannered New Yorkers who release spit and coughs into the air outdoors. If I had a cousin who rides a horse for NYPD at The Park, I would call his supervisor and demand that he get reassigned to an NYPD patrol car for the remainder of the COVID-19 crisis."

---"I need to find out whether I am burning more calories from frowning than I would have been burning if I had been smiling when I go outdoors. Smiling is definitely out of style during this period---and it could even be hazardous, since someone might approach you and put you at risk of exposure if you look friendly. My hope is that since I don't get to go to my athletic club because of COVID-19, at least my frowns will burn more calories for me than my previous habit of smiling did."

--"Odd how I am having fewer arguments in my home life these days, since my most intimate involvements now are with my pet dog. And my dog never argues with me. She is very easy to get along with. My boyfriend and I are sleeping in separate rooms of our apartment to avoid putting each other at risk of infection from COVID-19."

---"This is the first time in my entire life I've attended a Virtual Memorial Service for someone from inside my own living room. I can only hope that Fred, the deceased, was somehow able to hear me praising him inside my living room. There was no way I could have a microphone hook-up between my living room couch and the  site of the Virtual Memorial Service for Fred that I was allowed to watch from my home."

---"I am very glad I don't have any maids or servants inside my home. I couldn't handle the additional infection-risk factor from their being anywhere inside my home during this COVID-19 crisis. So that was good foresight on my part, that I never hired any maid or servant."

---"I wish I could think of a law-abiding and honorable Online Chatting Opportunity that didn't put me at risk of connecting with someone who later gets identified to me as an undercover police officer trying to trick me into doing something illicit. I think every New Yorker has this secret fear that chatting online could later get quoted back to them in a courtroom as a judge and jury scowl at you. I need to go over all the ways in which a law-abiding person such as myself can somehow get led astray by online chatting if he lets his guard down for even a second while online."