HOW NEW YORKERS TALK AS THEY CELEBRATE THE FIRST MONTH OF THE NEW YEAR, 2018: AN IMAGINARY EAVESDROPPER'S REPORT FROM MANHATTAN

--"The type of man I'd like to marry is someone who, if I ever get murdered or mysteriously vanish, would be eliminated by NYPD as a possible suspect a matter of minutes after they begin their investigation. That's how we all define integrity here in New York: Someone completely lacking in CI---someone whose alibi would immediately check out as the simple and honest truth if something ever happens to his wife."

----"I am always asking myself during my personals-ads dates whether the gentleman I'm talking to is someone who could quickly pass an NYPD lie-detector test focused exclusively on questions exploring whether he has an ounce of CI in himself toward anyone."

--"Personally, I would like to see a special new NYPD-sponsored lie-detector test for CI evaluation that also explores whether he has any CI toward animals. I don't want to date a man who has any CI toward animals."

--"That would make a great project for NYPD, and could even earn them a matching grant from the federal government. Development of a special new lie-detector test that helps to identify the CI index for any given New Yorker, regardless of whether he currently has any criminal-conviction record. My next-door neighbor, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst possible score for CI rating, would get an 11 on a test like that from NYPD. I don't trust him one bit, and it's just a matter of time before they take him away in handcuffs!"

---"I'm so big on law and order that I wear a specially designed T-shirt all over Manhattan that reads, 'You Can Rule Me Out as a Suspect: 'CI' IS ALIEN TO ME!"

--"Personally, I would prefer as succinct a T-shirt message as possible. Mine would merely say, 'ME, A CRIME SUSPECT? NEVER!'"

--"Marge, I hate to sound like a know it all, but I think you could make that even more succinct if your special T-shirt said, 'YOUR CRIME SUSPECT IS NOT ME!'  That would get the point across that you are among the tiny percentage of all New Yorkers who can be ruled out as a possible suspect in any and all crime cases that ever occur here."

--"The question, in New York, is not whether you have enemies here. Every New Yorker has enemies. It's a fact of life in this city. The more pertinent question, here in New York, is: Can you co-exist with your enemies all day without turning into a homicidal maniac or paranoid-schizophrenic mental patient?"

--"One of the questions that Herb plans to ask on his next personals-ad date is, 'Do you oppose thought-control projects?' If the woman he's dating hesitates or says 'No' to that, Herb will politely tell her that their date is over, and she can immediately scratch his name off her list."

--"I find that I am much more likely to trust a New Yorker who tells me significant biographical information about himself that all checks out as accurate if I do a background check on him at Truthfinder.com. But sometimes I can't even find a match to the names and background profiles that they offer, and that can be a bit scary. What if he's using an assumed name? Does that identify him as a possible serial killer?"

--"I find it fascinating how living in New York is like a Tale of Two Cities. I rely on Truthfinder.com of San Diego every time I get the first and last name of a maintenance staff member for the apartment complex where I live. One minute I'm in New York; the next minute I'm transported to San Diego for the latest news about New Yorkers to shun like the plague!"

--"I find it helpful to keep a list of every New Yorker I've met who failed a background check from Truthfinder.com of San Diego. It's like a West Coast connection in my life that tells the East Coast Mafia thugs I somehow run into  all the time to vanish from my life ASAP!"

--"I try to think optimistically. I instead keep a list of every New Yorker I meet who somehow passed the background check I did on them at Truthfinder.com of San Diego. I post that list on the wall of my living room, to remind myself that these are the New Yorkers I MIGHT want to add to my next party-invitation list."

---"My idea of humanitarianism is very simple. If a New Yorker comes up to me and asks me for a cigarette, I will reply that I don't have any cigarettes on me, and 'I don't recommend smoking for anyone', I will always add. I find that some of the New Yorkers who ask me for a cigarette are impressed that I express concern about their own medical health in that way."

---"Many of the New Yorkers who impress me the most in the cereal section of my supermarket when I happen to run into them will later get immediately scratched from my list when I am standing in line just behind them at the check-out counter and I suddenly discover that they are planning to purchase some hard liquor. It's a complete shock to me whenever a New Yorker identifies himself as a hard-liquor type."

--"In my worst nightmare, I marry the wrong New Yorker and I wake up on our honeymoon to find out for the first time ever that he is addicted to gambling and travels to Las Vegas every chance he gets. This is why I'm planning to open up a very thorough dating service that offers a check-list of 100 crucial questions to always ask before you even think of getting married to that person."

---"Whenever I plan a weekend trip into a park or rural area, I always make sure that the wildlife I expect to encounter there will be as gentle as possible. I think every New Yorker tends to expand their crime-prevention agenda to include avoidance of wild animals that could be dangerous or lethal."

--"It' odd that I don't know the name of the person who invented the board game 'Monopoly'. He or she deserves more credit than they get. I realize that they are dead at this point, but at least we could celebrate their birthday every year as a posthumous tribute to them, assuming we actually like the board game 'Monopoly'. But I have to admit that I haven't played that game in 20 years. Maybe I've outgrown the game 'Monopoly'."

--"I look upon New York as a proving ground. If you can last a full year here without exhibiting any criminal intent or 'CI' toward anyone, this means you could earn a prize for Humanitarianism somewhere on this planet. Or if you're Catholic, the Pope might add you to his list of saints."

---"I feel sorry for all the clergymen of New York who receive crime confessions from members of their congregation or visitors to their church. The clergymen want to report that confession to NYPD, but they fear violent retaliation if they do. So it's the clergymen of New York, ironically, who are eternally worried that they might be at risk of going to hell---for failure to report a congregation member's criminal activities to NYPD!"

---"When I tell another New Yorker that I'm completely lacking in 'CI' toward anyone, half the time he replies that this means I'm a victim type, since the criminal element likes to prey on innocent persons who are lacking in 'CI'. So it's my cited weakness, rather than my strength, that gets noticed by other New Yorkers! Here I was hoping to get a special medal for 'New Yorker Exhibiting the Least CI for the week of January 15, 2018', and instead I get slapped in the face with a 'what a fool you are!' comment from one of our city's all-too-many cynics."