THOSE EVER-QUOTABLE NEW YORKERS: STRAIGHT FROM THE EAR OF AN IMAGINARY EAVESDROPPER

---"I recently read that the famous British astrophysicist says he is very sure the living beings on other planets are not friendly toward us earthlings. In other words, aliens in outer space are a lot like the New Yorkers we already have on this planet."

---"I'm dreading the day we get our first human clone here in New York. Legal scholars will be debating whether that clone forfeited privacy rights the minute he or she was born, since he or she was a 'public figure from birth,' so to speak. There will be lots of public debates here on whether the Legislature in Albany should approve a new law that protects the confidentiality of clone-status medical information about any and all persons fitting that description who reside in this state. Then some smart-aleck wll be asking whether a special new category should be added to the U.S. Census survey, in which persons residing in the U.S. as clones should be expected to state that factual information about themselves to the Census taker."

---"If I were a social psychologist planning to study megalomania in American society today, I would begin my research project here in New York. After 10 years of research in the Grandiose Apple, as I might call it, I could visit other states for follow-up material. But by then, I would be so fatigued and stressed out from my research that I might just retire in order to avoid going insane. At a very calm and leisurely pace during my retirement, I could then write up my notes under the title 'Memoirs on Megalomania' in the hope that some publisher would put me on the Times best-seller list."

---"Personally, I wish my nephew were more of a megalomaniac than he is. He tends to be the opposite extreme. Fred reminds me of the lilliputians from Gulliver's Travels. Every goal he ever sets for himself, such as buying a six-pack of Budweiser beer by 8 p.m. tomorrow, is so trivial and miniscule and ridiculously pointless that I almost want to shout at him, 'How can any human being dedicate his entire life to the pursuit of absurd nothingness as consistently as you do, Fred?'"

---"One of the biggest surprises about New York is that you almost never read a news story about a landlord here who got murdered by an irate tenant or former tenant. With all the tenants here who say their rent is way too high and who despise their landlord for that reason, you'd think our NYPD Homicide detectives would insist on doing citywide forensic DNA-swabs on all apartment tenants here in anticipation of the next landlord to bite the dust in the Big Apple."

----"I think the only thing that saves our city's landlords from being tossed into the Hudson River is the realization our tenants have that 99 percent of the other landlords will charge them just as much, and be just as ruthless with them."

----"I would love to see an annual award conferred on the 'Best Buy Apartment Complex' in Manhattan. A place where the rents are reasonable, the landlords are attentive and helpful, and the living conditions are comfortable and safe. I don't believe we have an award of that type right now. Maybe everyone is afraid to publicize the rare gems like that, for fear that thousands of prospective tenants would immediately apply to move in --- and the landlord would respond by tripling the monthly rent!"

---"My friend Sally admits that she is disgusted by 90 percent of the microwave meals she cooks for her family. She tries to hide her disgust at the dinner table with a delighted smile on her face. But she knows the flavor is way off. Sally says she plans to throw away her "Microwave Magic Cookbook" and use her stove and conventional oven as a last resort."

---"I'm just grateful I haven't gotten out of bed in the morning to face a 'Daily News' front-page headline about a New Yorker who was microwaved to death by his enraged wife after their household bought a giant microwave oven. This is one city where if there is any new and perverse way to murder someone that has not been tried yet, you can be sure that New Yorkers will be the first to come up with that innovation, as they call it here."

----"To me, New York City is always a sweet-and-sour-effect sort of place. On the one hand, much of New York is working very hard to promote world peace at the United Nations Headquarters. On the other hand are the all-too-numerous misanthropic New Yorkers who will do anything they can to promote world disharmony. They literally vomit at the very idea of peace on this planet! It's too oppressively sweet for their tastes!"

---"It's odd how everyone remembers September 11, 2001, but no one remembers the most recent day when everyone at the United Nations felt very, very confident that world peace would reign for as much as two entire weeks that month and year."

----"I have heard enough about aliens in outer space and aliens from foreign nations. To me, the word alien begins with my wife. She is the most alien-ating person I have ever encountered, and to this day I cannot figure out why in God's name I crossed the altar with her! It was the worst mistake I ever made! But I'm too proud to admit that, so the divorce gets delayed for that one total reason. I just hope she doesn't murder me in the meantime and try to turn into a Merry Widow living lavishly off my estate. Maybe I should leave behind some money in my last will and testament as payment in advance to the very finest private detective in all of New York, who would be asked through my will to pursue a full investigation into whether my wife is the reason why I died prematurely and of un-natural causes. My estate would then provide funds for a lawsuit against Miss Merry Widow that would finally expose her outrageously criminal conduct toward me to the entire world!"