--"I find it very tragic that 99 percent of all the humor you hear on television these days is focused on President Trump. This implies that the millions of other Americans and millions of topics other than the White House are worthy of only 1 percent of our professional comedians' time and attention. So we have Mr. Trump in the foreground at all times, basking in all the comedians' fascination with him, and all of the rest of American society is mere background. The humor industry in this country is eternally catering to Trump's solipsistic belief that he is the only consequential American citizen of today."
---"If Donald Trump ever does get charged with a felony crime, he will insist on holding a public press conference to announce with a smirk on his face that 'It's good to see that you guys consider me to be a person of interest. I always knew I was a very interesting guy, but the media are now finally acknowledging that about me. And who knows? Maybe I'll get picked as the "Most Interesting Person of Interest of the Year" by People Magazine. That will be absolute proof that I'm now a leading "Person of Interest" in this country. I will look forward to a jury trial, since I feel very confident that if I take my case to the jury, I will prevail in a courtroom.'"
---"I can almost imagine Trump saying: 'Yes, it's true, I'm generally a Tale of Two States kind of guy. When I want to get away from the news media in New York, I head for my estate in Florida. Florida is my escape-the-media state. Maybe I should reward Florida for giving me plenty of peace and quiet, along with favorable PR. I could offer news tips to my favorite newspapers or television stations in Florida, to reward them for showing respect for my privacy, and for my stature."
---"So why are the food-industry companies so insistent on high fructose corn syrup as an ingredient in everything I glance at in the supermarket? To me, the CEOs of those food-industry companies that subject me to high-fructose corn syrup when my guard is down should get charged with a coronary crime."
---"If you summarize the overall message from each of the national news stories these days, it's is always the same. This is an administration so thoroughly corrupt that they make the Tea Pot Dome Scandal of the 1920s look like a very minor gaffe for President Harding."
---"As a Christian myself, I am very sure there is a special place in hell for each of the most corrupt of our American presidents. And Donald has certainly guaranteed himself a spot there---he'll get voted unanimously into the Hellish Presidents Hall of Fame, an honor that he gets to collect posthumously."
---"I think people are so appalled by Donald Trump that no one is asking him or the First Lady what their favorite culinary dishes and recipes are. Everyone loses their appetite when they think about his Presidency, so no one wants to know about his favorite dishes."
--"If you tell me what Donald Trump's favorite dinner entree is, I will ask you to please provide me with indigestion tablets before we discuss that any further."
--"Talking about Donald Trump's favorite dishes is a bit like discussing which entree was Adolph Hitler's favorite. In both cases the dish acquires infamy so severe that it's difficult to find an appetite."'
---"Any day now, I expect a media company favorable to Trump, such as Fox News, will pursue a feature story exploring how very nice and kind Trump is to his favorite pet dog or pet cat. That's how far our nation's estimation of Trump has plunged: we try to reassure ourselves that at least Trump is nice to his pets. But from what I've been told, the very same could have been said of Adolph Hitler in the early 1940s."
---"I plan to enroll in an adult-education course entitled 'How to Pronounce It In Order to Prove You are Culturally Literate in New York'. I still don't know how to say the word 'sriracha', even though it's considered essential these days to make at least one comment per day about 'sriracha' as a bold new flavor sensation that's very trendy. Maybe I should think of that United Nations country, Sri Lanka, and attempt to use that country's name as a guide for how to pronounce 'sriracha' at cocktail parties here. As for 'Edamame', which is a fancy vocabulary word for 'soybeans', I get very nervous whenever I have to say that word at cocktail parties. I am fairly sure it ends with "Mame," as in "Auntie Mame," but the first part throws me off. Maybe I should think of my friend 'Ida', then substitute a long 'e' for the 'i' when I say EDA-MAME'. But this doesn't tell me whether the accent should go on the first syllable, or the third. I'm just assuming the second syllable will not, of course, get the accent."
---"So tell me again what the Dutch paid to the American Indians for this island we now call Manhattan. Today I'm having major doubts about whether the Dutch paid too much for this island from hell, as I like to call it."
---"I think the younger men I'm dating appreciate the fact that I live on the 40th floor of my apartment complex. They often comment after our date that 'you were well worth the special trip I had to take in order to go out with you'. And some of the younger men will comment after we went together on a social outing that 'dating you is a bit like communing with the Gods at Mount Olympus. All that's missing is the ambrosia,' they'll say. That always makes me feel a bit special, as if my 40th floor status gives me a divine aura for members of the opposite sex."
--"The only major issue I'm facing right now is whether to eat whole-milk plain Greek yogurt in the morning or low-fat lime-flavored Greek yogurt in the morning. The other day I saw a New York-based healthy-living expert on television who said he urges me to drop my low-fat yogurt, and instead go for whole-milk plain yogurt that's sugar-free, he said. The lowest sugar content I could find was 6 grams per serving from Stonyfield's Greek yogurt, so I don't know where that healthy-living expert found the sugar-free whole-milk yogurt. This is beginning to feel like a wild-goose chase. Maybe I should call Stonyfield, which is based in Londonderry, New Hampshire, and ask if I can special-order a whole-milk plain Greek yogurt from them that's sugar-free. That reminds me that I would love to make a special trip to New Hampshire in order to ask for a guided tour of their famous yogurt-production facility. Yogurt is my favorite life-saver, so it makes sense to see the yogurt being produced in person and thank the people who made that revitalizing yogurt possible for me. Unless you have a better idea for why I should make a special trip to New Hampshire."
---"New York is the only city I've ever lived where if I say 'good night' to my roommate before I retire to my bedroom, I am never 100 percent sure that particular night will, in fact, be a good one for him. There are crazies all over New York, as Woody Allen once famously declared in one of his movies, and some of those crazies might well break into our apartment and ruin my roommate's attempt at a peaceful and rejuvenating sleeping experience. But at least he can count on me to dial 911 and immediately report the incident, if I ever hear any moans emanating from his bedroom that sound suspicious. Then I'll time NYPD to see how fast they get to the scene. I've got a special stop-watch I can use to keep tabs on how many minutes NYPD will take to get here. If it takes them more than five minutes, I plan to greet them with, 'So what took you so long?' when I open the front door to let them in. At least that will remind them that I expect results from NYPD, and I expect results ASAP!"
to be continued
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