--"With all this medical news about the health benefits from non-saturated fats, I now believe that during my childhood I was duped into thinking that the wife of Jack Spratt was herself a complete idiot. Mrs. Spratt, as you may recall, was that married lady who 'could eat no lean', while her husband, Jack, 'could eat no fat,' if I remember correctly those lines from my childhood limericks. Maybe the fats Mrs. Spratt ate were primarily non-saturated fats. So maybe Mrs. Spratt was a wiser lady than I was led to believe at age 7."
--"Gee, you just reminded me of a great idea for a new restaurant here that highlights non-saturated fats and some saturated fats. The restaurant could be called, 'Mrs. Spratt's Fathouse'. I wish I had an attorney friend who handles patents, so I could get my idea copyrighted and patented before another New Yorker beats me to the punch. New Yorkers are so hyper-competitive that I don't have a second to lose on this one if I want to make some money out of my idea."
---"I can see the popular appeal of your proposed new restaurant for Manhattan. Everyone loves the idea of pigging out on lots of fatty dishes inside a restaurant without actually getting fat from them. It's like being invited to be mischievous without getting into trouble from it."
---"Teresa is hoping to make millions from a new design feature in men's slacks---reinforced pockets that reduce by 70 percent a gentleman's risk of getting a hole in his pocket. I told Teresa her idea sounds brilliant. But I also told her she needs to first verify that no one else has come up with that concept. If someone has beaten her to it, Teresa's idea for getting rich here in New York may be a bit like Don Quixote chasing windmills."
--"You just reminded me of a great marketing scheme. What if I found financial investors for a new restaurant here in New York that's called 'Quixote', and features several windmills in the dining room that guests are invited to thrust plastic swords at."
--"My sister, Marge, is looking for a safe home in New York, but I told her that's a contradiction in terms. There are no safe homes here. Even if you hire security guards to keep your personal space crime-free on a 24-hour-a-day basis, you would soon discover that one or more of the security guards accept bribes from members of the organized crime community, as we refer to them so euphemistically these days. This is why living in New York is like being an involuntary freelance contributor to the 'Forensic Files' television show on a year-round basis. Any choice you make to secure your home, you are always perceived by some other New Yorker as daring him to commit a home-invasion crime. Even if you put an Unwelcome Mat in front of your home, our criminal element would insist on challenging that by breaking in."
---"Maybe this is a perverse thought on my part, but I sometimes wonder what the photograph at Times Square will look like after the end of World War III, if that global war ever happens. Will it be an American sailor grabbing a woman for a kiss at Times Square? And if so, will that photograph be as powerful to readers as the photo taken just after World War II ended?"
---"I recently tried to make some friends in New York, so I placed a Platonic Personals ad in one of our trendier newspapers. The replies I got were quite offensive. The most common reply I got stated to me, 'Are you saying you won't kiss until the fifth date?' Another man wrote me back to state that he wanted to know if it was okay with me if I meet him on a 'platonic date' without his getting prior permission from his wife. He then had the audacity to add, and I quote: 'I feel that platonic relationships are most likely to thrive with complete secrecy, to avoid a situation in which anyone might misunderstand what is going on between us.'"
---"When I meet someone for a personals ad date who tells me he's a non-drinker, is it fair for me to ask how many days ago was the last time he imbibed? Or would it sound more respectful if I ask him how many years ago was the last time he imbibed?"
---"I can't decide whether it would sound rude on a personals-ad date if I ask the guy to tell me which alcoholic beverage was the last one he drank before he turned into a teetotaler. I think I could glean some valuable insights into the guy if he is willing to answer that question from me. But I don't want to come across as too probing, which could turn him off. No one wants to date an individual who reminds them of the Grand Inquisitor from 16th Century Spain."
--"Even in New York, where everyone admires bluntness, it is best to avoid excessive candor when you are ordering an appetizer during a personals-ad date. You want your date to last beyond the appetizer portion of the meal, since that will give you and your dating partner more time to develop a good rapport. I recommend that you drop the word 'hate' from your vocabulary at least until the entree arrives. This reassures your dating partner that you are are not likely to commit a hate crime against him, even if you conclude that the two of you are incompatible."
---"I find it grimly amusing to make a list of all the categories of hate crimes that could be committed against me here in New York. If anyone finds out that I'm a non-Christian, for instance, that could trigger a hate crime against me in a situation when I'm interacting with a fanatical Christian who regards me as being an anti-Christ figure."
---"If you want to avoid coming across as anti-Semitic here, I recommend that you comment politely to any Jewish person you interact with that you admire the great wisdom to be found in the Talmud. Then if he or she asks you to elaborate, you could politely comment that you are in the middle of pursuing more research about the Talmud, and you will of course have the answer to that question next week."
---"Another safe topic to drop into any conversation you have with a Jewish person here is King Solomon. Everyone agrees that King Solomon was a great Jewish king. Your angle on it could be that you personally believe that King Solomon was perhaps the wisest of all of the Jewish men you have read about. That should impress your Jewish listener, since there are no Jewish people here who will ever admit that they are critics of King Solomon."
---"If you drop the word 'Talmud' into your conversations with a Jewish person here, this will get their immediate respect. The Talmud is much more respected as a Jewish tradition than the wailing wall is. If you mention the wailing wall, there's always the risk that you will have a slip of the tongue in which you then comment, 'They must have done something really awful in order to have a need to visit the wailing wall'. This will irk your Jewish listener, and they might even accuse you of being anti-Semitic, all because of that minor slip of the tongue you had."
---"I find it irritating that whenever I go on a personals-ad date with a born-again Christian, the first thing he asks me to tell him about are all the details of my own born-again experience. Then when I tell him that I am NOT born-again, he replies that there is no other way to be, if I call myself a Christian. So here he is in our personals date telling me that I am not a true Christian, and I might even be The Anti-Christ in disguise, he says. So then the personals ad date degenerates into my repeatedly trying to reassure him that I am NOT an anti-Christ figure. But then I suddenly realize that there is no point in trying to prove to him that I am NOT the anti-Christ. Why not just end the date right there, by telling him that if he thinks I MIGHT be the anti-Christ, then he might be at risk of getting led astray by the Devil if he gets together with me. So then he agrees with me and we part company."
to be continued
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