---"You can't live in New York without enrolling in a crash course on Wall Street and its role in New York life. Let me know when you decide to enroll, and I'll give you the name of the best instructor I know on that subject."
---"With my luck, the day I enroll in a crash course about Wall Street is the very day that the market itself crashes. The instructor would be too depressed about it all to even show up for class sessions. He might call in sick, and we'd get a substitute teacher who knows nothing about Wall Street. It's also likely that half the class would be so depressed about the market crash that they might cite mental health reasons for dropping out of the class."
--"The class you enroll in about Wall Street could turn into a course exclusively devoted to studying the most recent crash on Wall Street. That could be very depressing for you, and I recommend that you stay away from balconies of buildings at all times during that period."
---"You get called a moron here if you ever comment at a cocktail party that hedge funds obviously have something to do with lawn maintenance."
---"If your favorite cause is investing in wind power, this may be the right city for you. You could even build your own blow-them-away wind-energy-only portfolio, if you find the right investment firm here to help you on that."
---"Wasn't Boras the Greek God of the Wind? Since your emphasis is promoting wind power, maybe you should look for an investment firm that offers you a consultant with the first name of Boras. It would be so very, very, perfect for what you want as a Wind Power Tycoon."
---"With my luck, the day I enroll in a crash course about Wall Street is the very day that the market itself crashes. The instructor would be too depressed about it all to even show up for class sessions. He might call in sick, and we'd get a substitute teacher who knows nothing about Wall Street. It's also likely that half the class would be so depressed about the market crash that they might cite mental health reasons for dropping out of the class."
--"The class you enroll in about Wall Street could turn into a course exclusively devoted to studying the most recent crash on Wall Street. That could be very depressing for you, and I recommend that you stay away from balconies of buildings at all times during that period."
---"You get called a moron here if you ever comment at a cocktail party that hedge funds obviously have something to do with lawn maintenance."
---"If your favorite cause is investing in wind power, this may be the right city for you. You could even build your own blow-them-away wind-energy-only portfolio, if you find the right investment firm here to help you on that."
---"Wasn't Boras the Greek God of the Wind? Since your emphasis is promoting wind power, maybe you should look for an investment firm that offers you a consultant with the first name of Boras. It would be so very, very, perfect for what you want as a Wind Power Tycoon."
---"Too bad they don't currently harness the wind power from hurricanes in Florida as a source of renewable energy. Every time a hurricane hits, it could be a massive bonanza for the wind-power energy industry there."
---"I have cousins who live in Florida, so I try to keep Florida's needs in the back of my mind. Plus, half of us New Yorkers move to Florida for retirement. It's like attending a class reunion when you move down to West Palm Beach for retirement."
--"Can you imagine being the spouse or dating partner of a Wall Street broker, and never being quite sure whether he'll be alive and well the next time you call him. I think every New Yorker who dates brokers worries that one day you suddenly learn that your broker boyfriend took a suicide leap after the market plunged. It's a very frightening scenario that all of us face."
---"I have cousins who live in Florida, so I try to keep Florida's needs in the back of my mind. Plus, half of us New Yorkers move to Florida for retirement. It's like attending a class reunion when you move down to West Palm Beach for retirement."
--"Can you imagine being the spouse or dating partner of a Wall Street broker, and never being quite sure whether he'll be alive and well the next time you call him. I think every New Yorker who dates brokers worries that one day you suddenly learn that your broker boyfriend took a suicide leap after the market plunged. It's a very frightening scenario that all of us face."
---"Anytime you get a seemingly cheerful text from a broker boyfriend of yours, you are thinking in the back of your mind that if something fatal happens to him later that day, the 'New York Daily News' will publish that entire text message on their front page as his final words to the entire world. So then the question from the 'Daily News' would be, 'Why didn't you identify something eerie about that seemingly cheerful text message you got from your boyfriend, when you had reason to believe that he was fighting depression when he texted you that message?'"
---"To me, the worst possible combination is to date a manic-depressive stock broker. One day you would be feeling very, very depressed when you are with him, the next day you would be feeling very, very high around him. There will also be days when the market is down but your boyfriend is on an upswing emotionally in his manic-depressive mood swings. So when you go on dates with him during that period, half the time he'll be gleeful and half the time he'll be talking about Wall Street-induced suicide leaps."
--"No one in New York is ever financially secure. We have the bankrupt New Yorkers, and we have the potentially bankrupt New Yorkers. Those are our only two classes of people here."
--"Do you think the Statue of Liberty that greets visitors to New York gives an unfair advantage to Liberty Mutual insurance company on Wall Street? To me, the subliminal suggestiveness of the Goddess of Liberty welcoming you to New York carries the message, 'Liberty Mutual is the proud sponsor of this welcome'."
--"I'm just glad we don't have a computerized message board at Times Square that cites the total number of days that have occurred since New York City was most recently victimized by an act of terrorism. With all the sadistic people we have here, someone might regard that type of display sign as an invitation to break the winning streak we're currently on."
--"My only consolation with Donald Trump as President is that he's a landlord who understands a rent-paying tenant's need for a safe home in which to live and to get a full eight hours of uninterrupted, unmolested, unharmed, un-injured, unraped, un-poisoned, unharassed sleep every night without any home-invasion perpetrators ever attempting to enter their own bolt-locked residence. Many of Donald Trump's tenants are probably Democrats or conservative left-wing persons like myself who are a world apart from Trump when it comes to their political and religious beliefs. And I have not seen any story yet about any of his left-wing tenants complaining that Donald as landlord was unfair to them in any way. So when I think about Trump as head of state, that is always grounds for hope for me."
--"As a non-drinker myself, I am very grateful that President Trump abstains from alcohol. There is never any risk that my 8-year-old son will see a photograph of Trump drinking a beer, as Obama was so keen on doing in front of the cameras. Maybe Trump's primary accomplishment as President will be to help to encourage as many Americans as possible to pursue an alcohol-free lifestyle, or to be light-drinkers. And I am also hopeful that the number of Americans who join Alcoholics Anonymous or some other support group for those seeking to abstain from alcohol will double or triple during Trump's term of office. Then maybe we'll finally get a drop in the DWI rate here in New York, where you would expect Donald's impact to be the greatest. So this may well be Trump's primary contribution to American history: that fewer of us are drunkards after his term of office finally does expire in 2021."
---"This is definitely the City that Never Sleeps. My standard diary entries from the last six-year period indicate very clearly that the most recent early-morning periods in which I got a full 8 hours of uninterrupted, un-harassed, unharmed, un-raped sleep as I lay alone on my bed inside my bolt-locked apartment here in New York were September 10, 2011, and before that, September 3, 2011. That is more than six years ago, and NYPD still has not arrested any suspect."
--"Maybe you are being hounded and harassed by some fanatical religious group that went on a retreat or celebrated a religious holiday of some type on Saturday, September 3, 2011, and then on Saturday, September 10, 2011. This might explain why they decided not to physically abuse you during your sleep inside your locked private residence on those two total days from the most recent six-year period here in New York."
--"The only thing I have in common with Donald Trump is that the Russians seem to like me quite a bit. Whenever I check readership stats from around the world on my online blog I write, I find that Russians read my blog more than twice as often as the citizens of Germany, three times as often as the French, nearly four times as often as the Ukrainians, and about 10 times more often than the British. And those are the top five foreign countries for readership of my blog. It's hard for me to figure out, since I have never even visited Russia, I have never studied the Russian language, and I am not a communist."
--"Maybe the Russians read your blogs so diligently because the KGB is after you! Maybe the KGB figures you have Russian military secrets in your possession---even though you of course do not. You might want to contact your congressman and ask him how to convince the KGB that you yourself have ZERO access to any Russian military secrets, so the KGB has no reason to be pursuing you or spying on you."
---"Are you completely sure it's not the CIA harassing you during your sleep inside your bolt-locked apartment unit here in New York? This may be a rare case where we blame Russian spies for harassment activities targeting American citizens, when the source of the harassment is actually the Central Intelligence Agency of the United States Government. You could contact your congressman and ask him to find out from the CIA whether that is the federal agency harassing you--or whether it's actually a foreign-government harassing you here in New York."
--"I would love to find out which of the numerical streets of New York gets the least motor-vehicle traffic. I could then make a weekly ritual of walking along that street while delighting in the absence of loud honking noises and carbon-monoxide emissions. It would be like an oasis in the middle of New York, if I can just figure out whether that heavenly street is 110th Street or some other street. And maybe there's even a nice park along this ideal street for pedestrians like me. I could take my dog into the park for some relaxation there."
--"I cannot imagine living in New York without owning a barking dog inside my apartment unit. Any pet that doesn't make loud noises to warn me about an intruder or prospective intruder in my apartment would be completely useless to me. I savor those barks, because they are what keep me alive in order to dial 911. Then when the police visit my crime-scene apartment, I always tell them it was my barking dog that saved my life. I even have a special dog biscuit I feed my dog whenever he saves my life with loud barking noises. That's my way of rewarding Scout for being a good Boy Scout for me inside my unit."
--"I wish I were as resourceful as my neighbors. They have Scottish, English, and German ancestry, so they called the British Embassy and German embassy here and asked them when their next embassy party will be. They then found a way to get invited to that embassy party, which is no mean feat. They tell me it's a great way to sample the cuisine of Britain and Germany without having to pay for the meal or leave a tip. They also said the British dishes offered at their embassy party were surprisingly tasty. It may well be that Great Britain gets an unfair reputation for bland food. Personally, I've always liked the taste of the malt vinegar the English pour on their fish and chips. It's the only cuisine I associate with malt vinegar."
---"To me, the worst possible combination is to date a manic-depressive stock broker. One day you would be feeling very, very depressed when you are with him, the next day you would be feeling very, very high around him. There will also be days when the market is down but your boyfriend is on an upswing emotionally in his manic-depressive mood swings. So when you go on dates with him during that period, half the time he'll be gleeful and half the time he'll be talking about Wall Street-induced suicide leaps."
--"No one in New York is ever financially secure. We have the bankrupt New Yorkers, and we have the potentially bankrupt New Yorkers. Those are our only two classes of people here."
--"Do you think the Statue of Liberty that greets visitors to New York gives an unfair advantage to Liberty Mutual insurance company on Wall Street? To me, the subliminal suggestiveness of the Goddess of Liberty welcoming you to New York carries the message, 'Liberty Mutual is the proud sponsor of this welcome'."
--"I'm just glad we don't have a computerized message board at Times Square that cites the total number of days that have occurred since New York City was most recently victimized by an act of terrorism. With all the sadistic people we have here, someone might regard that type of display sign as an invitation to break the winning streak we're currently on."
--"My only consolation with Donald Trump as President is that he's a landlord who understands a rent-paying tenant's need for a safe home in which to live and to get a full eight hours of uninterrupted, unmolested, unharmed, un-injured, unraped, un-poisoned, unharassed sleep every night without any home-invasion perpetrators ever attempting to enter their own bolt-locked residence. Many of Donald Trump's tenants are probably Democrats or conservative left-wing persons like myself who are a world apart from Trump when it comes to their political and religious beliefs. And I have not seen any story yet about any of his left-wing tenants complaining that Donald as landlord was unfair to them in any way. So when I think about Trump as head of state, that is always grounds for hope for me."
--"As a non-drinker myself, I am very grateful that President Trump abstains from alcohol. There is never any risk that my 8-year-old son will see a photograph of Trump drinking a beer, as Obama was so keen on doing in front of the cameras. Maybe Trump's primary accomplishment as President will be to help to encourage as many Americans as possible to pursue an alcohol-free lifestyle, or to be light-drinkers. And I am also hopeful that the number of Americans who join Alcoholics Anonymous or some other support group for those seeking to abstain from alcohol will double or triple during Trump's term of office. Then maybe we'll finally get a drop in the DWI rate here in New York, where you would expect Donald's impact to be the greatest. So this may well be Trump's primary contribution to American history: that fewer of us are drunkards after his term of office finally does expire in 2021."
---"This is definitely the City that Never Sleeps. My standard diary entries from the last six-year period indicate very clearly that the most recent early-morning periods in which I got a full 8 hours of uninterrupted, un-harassed, unharmed, un-raped sleep as I lay alone on my bed inside my bolt-locked apartment here in New York were September 10, 2011, and before that, September 3, 2011. That is more than six years ago, and NYPD still has not arrested any suspect."
--"Maybe you are being hounded and harassed by some fanatical religious group that went on a retreat or celebrated a religious holiday of some type on Saturday, September 3, 2011, and then on Saturday, September 10, 2011. This might explain why they decided not to physically abuse you during your sleep inside your locked private residence on those two total days from the most recent six-year period here in New York."
--"The only thing I have in common with Donald Trump is that the Russians seem to like me quite a bit. Whenever I check readership stats from around the world on my online blog I write, I find that Russians read my blog more than twice as often as the citizens of Germany, three times as often as the French, nearly four times as often as the Ukrainians, and about 10 times more often than the British. And those are the top five foreign countries for readership of my blog. It's hard for me to figure out, since I have never even visited Russia, I have never studied the Russian language, and I am not a communist."
--"Maybe the Russians read your blogs so diligently because the KGB is after you! Maybe the KGB figures you have Russian military secrets in your possession---even though you of course do not. You might want to contact your congressman and ask him how to convince the KGB that you yourself have ZERO access to any Russian military secrets, so the KGB has no reason to be pursuing you or spying on you."
---"Are you completely sure it's not the CIA harassing you during your sleep inside your bolt-locked apartment unit here in New York? This may be a rare case where we blame Russian spies for harassment activities targeting American citizens, when the source of the harassment is actually the Central Intelligence Agency of the United States Government. You could contact your congressman and ask him to find out from the CIA whether that is the federal agency harassing you--or whether it's actually a foreign-government harassing you here in New York."
--"I would love to find out which of the numerical streets of New York gets the least motor-vehicle traffic. I could then make a weekly ritual of walking along that street while delighting in the absence of loud honking noises and carbon-monoxide emissions. It would be like an oasis in the middle of New York, if I can just figure out whether that heavenly street is 110th Street or some other street. And maybe there's even a nice park along this ideal street for pedestrians like me. I could take my dog into the park for some relaxation there."
--"I cannot imagine living in New York without owning a barking dog inside my apartment unit. Any pet that doesn't make loud noises to warn me about an intruder or prospective intruder in my apartment would be completely useless to me. I savor those barks, because they are what keep me alive in order to dial 911. Then when the police visit my crime-scene apartment, I always tell them it was my barking dog that saved my life. I even have a special dog biscuit I feed my dog whenever he saves my life with loud barking noises. That's my way of rewarding Scout for being a good Boy Scout for me inside my unit."
--"I wish I were as resourceful as my neighbors. They have Scottish, English, and German ancestry, so they called the British Embassy and German embassy here and asked them when their next embassy party will be. They then found a way to get invited to that embassy party, which is no mean feat. They tell me it's a great way to sample the cuisine of Britain and Germany without having to pay for the meal or leave a tip. They also said the British dishes offered at their embassy party were surprisingly tasty. It may well be that Great Britain gets an unfair reputation for bland food. Personally, I've always liked the taste of the malt vinegar the English pour on their fish and chips. It's the only cuisine I associate with malt vinegar."
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