NEW YORK CITY RE-EXPLORED: AN IMAGINARY MID-SUMMER OF 2017 EAVESDROPPER'S REPORT:

---"Before I head for Long Island for the weekend, I need to get a radio report on just how many estimated sunbathers were most recently observed lying on the beach at each of the public-beach options there. With help from a radio report of that type, I can head for the clothing-required beach that has the fewest number of sunbathers."

--"I think any reputable New Yorker's worst fear is that they will begin sunbathing on a beach only to suddenly learn that it's reserved for nudists. The New Yorker in a bathing suit will glance around them as they lie on their beach towel and nowhere will they see anyone with an actual bathing suit on, much less a bikini on. Then one of the nudists will approach them and demand to know why they are refusing to comply with the nudity-only tradition at that beach."

--"Personally, I have mixed emotions about going to a nude beach here, since this implies that the lifeguard will also be naked. If I am a swimmer who is at risk of drowning, I'm not sure that I want the lifeguard swimming up to rescue me to have any genital contact with me. Being rescued is no time for studying the male organ of the lifeguard, if you ask me."

--"What is currently a 10-inch male organ at this nudes-only beach will someday turn into something much larger, after our country finally makes a full conversion to metric. The men here will be all the more boastful, once they can claim their most noteworthy male statistic in centimeters."

--"Ten inches is 25.4 centimeters, according to my cell phone. Personally, I would find it hilarious to be lying here on this nude beach and suddenly hear my girlfriend point to a nearby hunk and say, 'He's a 25-er, and he probably performs in porno movies in order to make rent for his Manhattan apartment.'"

---"I don't think these nude sunbathers are fully aware about the various sea animals here that if you ever actually encounter them on the beach, you need to have clothes on to protect yourself against getting stung or bitten by them. These are wild animals, and they will take advantage of your vulnerability if they sense you are completely naked."

---"I'm very aware of why Sheila likes to sunbathe in the nude. She imagines herself to be a fashionable Mermaid, and Mermaids have no need for clothing, she says. I always tell Sheila that Mermaids only exist in fairy tales."

--"Whenever I lie on the beach here on Long Island, I am always reminded that I need to pursue some research about the History of the Mermaid in Popular Culture. It might make a fascinating topic for my dissertation at Columbia if I can't come up with anything more substantive to write about."

--"I can't even remember any of the names of famous Mermaids. I guess that makes me culturally illiterate. Maybe we need a Seaside Popular Culture Research Center and Library that will give me all the info I need about the role of Mermaids in popular culture."

---"The most famous Mermaid today is the female logo for Starbucks coffeehouses. Maybe she's a fresh-water mermaid, since I don't believe that Starbucks sells anything that came from the sea."

--"I really admire the way Kate prepares for the beach. First she takes her two-piece bathing suit to a Shark-Repellent Specialist here in Manhattan who soaks her bathing suit in a shark-repellent solution for 24 consecutive hours. The rates he charges are very reasonable, according to Kate. She spends only $500 on that before each of her beach-outings, Kate says. She regards the money as a wise investment in her own future, since otherwise she would get eaten alive by sharks at the beach. Her Met Life agent says it's a terrific idea, and he wishes that all of his clients would follow Kate's lead. This is one of the reasons why Met Life agents make good friends. They really and truly want you to have the best possible medical longevity and lifespan, since that gives Met Life more years to earn interest out of your monthly premiums."