APRIL 2020 IMAGINARY EAVESDROPPER's REPORT FROM NEW YORK CITY, PART II

---"The COVID-19 crisis has really helped me to conceptualize the right idea for a new book project. I had been running out of ideas, but this crisis has given me the perfect subject for a new non-fiction book. The book I've begun research for is entitled, 'History of Influenza Pandemics in the United States'. I feel sure it's going to make the New York Times bestseller list. Everyone will want to put that on their coffee table inside their living room. The only catch is that some other New Yorker will get their version of that type of book published before mine is. This is a hyper-competitive city. Even if I had online access to all of the books and articles at the New York Public Library right now for my book project, I might still get to the finish line after some other author who's already lined up a deal with Doubleday."

--"If you work on your book project 20 hours a day in order to get your book published before anyone else, not getting enough sleep could ruin your immunity system. So you could turn into another dead body yourself in the middle of your writing about all the New Yorkers who lost their lives because of this modern plague."

--"You just reminded me. I've got to find out if I can take a first step of getting a patent online for the planned title of my soon-to-be-released new book. I want to make sure I hold a patent or copyright on my book title of 'History of Influenza Pandemics in the United States'. I want to be the very first one to have a book published with that title. It has a nice authoritative ring to it, and someday all the media will want to interview me about my book because it will be the definitive work on that subject. If I find the right attorney to help me file for a copyright on my book title in advance of my book having been written or published, this will give me the strategic advantage I need in this ultra-competitive dog-eat-dog city we live in."

--"You are so hellbent on getting published as an expert on COVID-19 and raking in lots of money from this crisis that I'm surprised you haven't obtained the home phone numbers or cell phone numbers for each and every one of the leading book editors of New York. I'm sure you would relish this opportunity, as you see it, to call those editors when they're likely to be inside their home just waiting for an enterprising author such as yourself to contact them. Your opening line, I'm sure, would be that 'I only called you at your home because I thought it would be rude to leave a message with you at your office during this period.'"

--"This is the most hellish crisis I've ever endured in my entire life. Since I already know what hell is like because of COVID-19, I have no fear anymore of any worst-case scenario in my afterlife. So when this medical crisis is all over, the clergymen of New York can't scare me at Sunday service when they predict everlasting hell for me if I turn into a habitual sinner. I  will have immunity to threats of that type."

---"It's very hard on me not smiling during this period. If I smile at anyone, they might try to start a conversation with me since everyone knows I'm very glamorous and single. The minute they start talking to me and the moisture from their mouth flies onto my face as they imagine themselves kissing me, it just increases my risk of being hospitalized. Can you imagine how tragic that would be, my flair for eliciting lust in the men of New York putting me into the emergency room as the price for my being so irresistible?"

--"I've always had the same problem, wherever I go in New York I seem to leave the single men so breathless with desire that you can see the foam coming out of their mouths as they try to imagine french-kissing me. But the minute that moisture comes out of their mouths, it puts me at risk of infection. I'm probably the most vulnerable woman in all of New York for that reason, since everyone says I'm the most irresistible single lady they've ever met."

--"It's very odd that the weapon everyone fears the most these days is human saliva. Before this crisis, everyone feared machine guns. Now the weapon is moisture from the human mouth. Isn't that strange, when you think about it, in a city where the ultra-violent scene involving actual guns is historically very prevalent?"

--"I have seen some of my neighbors actually releasing saliva from their mouth that flew onto another New Yorker, and I'm very sure they did that deliberately. To me, that's like attempted homicide, depending on whether that neighbor had tested positive. Innocent moments in our city are very, very rare; when in doubt, assume that any and all incidents here were deliberately inflicted."

---"It's odd how the COVID-19 crisis hit our city just at the very time when I was writing in my diary that I was considering pursuing a romantic life here. Is there some cruel prankster in the sky determined to ruin my plans every day?"

---"I am going to get very,very angry when I hear anyone tell me--and I know they will, with all the cynical fake Christians we have here---that the COVID-19 crisis is just God's way of weeding out undesirables. There are plenty of DESIRABLES HERE who HAVE been infected, for Christ's sake! Then when these same wise guys quote Darwin as declaring 'Survival of the Fittest' to sum it all up, they're suddenly dropping God as the source of it all and claiming that a mere mortal from England, Charles Darwin, has somehow from his grave perversely endorsed this crisis as a test of our citizenry's genetic and physical stamina. My reply to that is that I question whether Darwin ever wrote about the role of viral pandemics in human evolution."

---"I was hoping they would at least leave the Bronz Zoo open, provided that only 10 New Yorkers at a time were allowed to visit the zoo. My understanding is that none of the animals on display there could possibly infect me, so it would be perfectly safe. And the zoological garden staff could be asked to maintain a very low-key profile throughout my visit, so no saliva could land on my cheek."

--"The thing I resent the most about COVID-19 is that my birthday fell on one of the worst days for death totals here. I was looking forward to my birthday party for months, and I had big plans for attending a Broadway play with friends and family as part of my birthday celebration. Instead I get stuck with this hideously ultra-tragic real-life performance that thoroughly disgusts me every day!"

--"This COVID crisis has crippled my desire to exchange saliva with a dating partner.  All I can say 'yes' to is a Virtual Date, featuring a Virtual Saliva Exchange on the telephone. I refuse to go any further with anyone."

--"My friends are all taking all the proper precautionary measures, but my husband's friends are very bold and always defiant of authority. None of them is willing to practice social distancing, much less keeping their saliva to themselves. I can't imagine Jerry going through a 24-hour-period without shooting moisture from his mouth upon dozens of New Yorkers. He considers that to be proof that he's outgoing, when he's actually quite vulgar. I've told my husband I don't see why he hangs out with Jerry."

--"This crisis makes you so grateful to our city's doctors and nurses for their life-saving help that you almost want to kiss them with gratitude. But that would defeat the whole point of their involvement. It would just add to the viral-spread infection risk."

---"I wish I could say during this crisis that one of my personal friends is a doctor or nurse, but I can't. For some reason I've always been a bit reluctant about cozying up to medical professionals. I always worry that if they look at me away from their medical clinic or hospital, they see nothing but symptoms in front of them."

--"Riding on an elevator these days is completely unthinkable to me, since it's impossible to be six feet away from everyone else inside an elevator. So my question to you is, how can I get where I need to go without riding an elevator during this period?"

--"I'm so obsessed with maintaining a six-foot distance at all times that I tell everyone in my household that I will ground them for a week if they are ever standing closer than six feet from me inside our home. They just laugh and declare that grounding them won't change anything, since we're all under strict orders by the Mayor to stay inside our home all day and all night. Leave it to children to make a mockery of any attempt at household discipline during this period!"

--"Think of all the art exhibits and Broadway plays you can vicariously experience during this period without having to pay the price of a ticket. So which art exhibit or play are you going to IMAGINE taking in tonight, dear?"

--"Yesterday I overheard a guy threatening to sue another guy because he was standing four feet from him along the street. To me, that's a bit ridiculous. There is no way you can sue another guy for standing four feet away from you. First of all, you have to get a court hearing for that, and no judge in his right mind would agree to open up a courtroom for a hearing of that type."

--"The worst part about it all is that the guy I know who died from COVID-19 had told me recently that he was planning to rewrite his will. So he apparently died without getting the opportunity to rewrite his will. Now that is what I call tragic."

--"I'm afraid to open up my window from my apartment, since I just know some spit will somehow fly onto my face if I do. New Yorkers can defy the laws of gravity in every conceivable way, and I DO NOT want to be interviewed by the 'Daily News' about myself having turned into another expected fatality here merely because I opened up my window to get some fresh air."

--"Gee, look on the bright side. At least you can go online and check out the options in the way of casket designs, if it turns into a worst-case scenario for you. Not everyone has that opportunity to plan ahead for their own funeral."

--"Can you imagine how pathetic that would be, to suddenly turn into a You-Tube that goes viral in every conceivable way? So my leading claim to fame, is it turns out, could be as the quotable-last-words victim here in New York. Maybe I should spend some time brainstorming to come up with a good famous last words quote to offer to my You Tube groupies."

---"Spending more  time inside our home with my children has made me determined to have my daughter transfer out of one of her teacher's classrooms when schools reopen. My daughter has finally opened up to me about improper conduct toward her by a female instructor, and this medical crisis has finally given me the time to listen to my daughter's plea for help. It's very fortunate I can put a stop to her female teacher's plans without my daughter's virginity being compromised in any way. I know my daughter will be so glad she graduates with her hymen intact, thanks to my intervention that saved her from a predatory female instructor."

--"This is one period when I do check the obituary section of the newspaper every day. I need to know if anyone I know has had a tragic outcome, so I can send a sympathy card to their surviving relatives.

--"Checking the obituary section is something I would NEVER do, either, but this is one exception I have made. You never know whether the face you see in the Obit section will be a neighbor, a coworker, a member of your church, a former classmate, or someone else you know."

--"Harry says COVID-19 just confirms his view that life is primarily a tragic experience. He has always told me that the greatest plays from Shakespeare were the tragedies, not the comedies, and Harry always adds that it makes sense, since life is primarily a tragedy. I wish I had a good response to Harry's very predictable pessimism. I could point to the doctors and nurses who have SAVED lives. But if I do, Harry would just reply that the fatality rate speaks for itself."

--"It's very fortunate that both my roommate and I are very anti-social and we didn't trust anyone even BEFORE COVID-19. It works out perfectly, since George and I always know that the ONLY persons inside our apartment unit each day are George and me, and no one else. This reduces the risk factor 1,000 percent."

---"I had the worst possible job title for this crisis. I'm a tour guide to Manhattan, and my career depends on lots of tourists being here to seek my assistance in showing them around our world-famous island. It's like my job has turned into a very grim joke, since no one wants to get caught dead in New York these days."

---"I wonder if I'm being punished for having fled from Des Moines, Iowa, five years ago with this ridiculous hope that I would hit it big in New York. Little did I know that  the only big thing that's ever happened to me here is a mega-crisis called COVID-19."

---"COVID-19 always reminds me of that sophomoric joke my friends used to tell me in junior high or high school, that Valentine's Day called attention to the initials VD. This entire crisis feels like getting stuck with a social disease on a 24-hour-a-day-and-seemingly-unending-and-incurable basis. Instead of CUPID-19, we get COVID-19, to remind us all that this entire city is anything but a love boat experience."

--"Look on the bright side. At least you've got lots of spare time now to re-write your resume. I think if you spend some time on redesigning and editing your resume, you'll get much better results the next job interview you attend here in Manhattan. I'm sorry you had that streak of three unsuccessful job interviews, but maybe by September your luck will change after you get your resume redone."

---"My mother in New Jersey keeps telling me on the phone to count my blessings, and I keep asking her to name one blessing I can add to my total for the day. I honestly have a hard time identifying my blessings right now."

---"My mother has been calling me every day to ask if anyone spit on my face during the most recent 24-hour period. She is quite the Jewish mother, she's very thorough in the questions she asks me every time she calls. I always answer that I cannot be completely sure, but I do sometimes feel some moisture on my face that doesn't seem to have come from my automatic dishwasher."

---"I have tried to make a list of every question I want to ask my friends and relatives, in case any of them end up being among the victims. I will never forgive myself if I don't ask each of them these very important questions I've never asked them before about their own lives, so this is a golden opportunity to get to know each of them better before it's too late, if COVID-19 proves to be a killer for any of them."

---"My daughter is a 19-year-old, and she told me she is very angry to have her age broadcast all over the world like this! 'Why the hell do they call it COVID-19, as if we 19-year-olds have anything to do with it?' she asks me with indignation. I don't blame her for being upset that her generation is being put down needlessly by this virus crisis plaguing our city."

---"I just got a phone call from my aunt, and her first words were, 'It's never too late for a conversion', and I tried very hard not to hurt her feelings. She told me that she wanted me to consider converting to her religion during this crisis, which would increase my chances that God would intervene to spare my life, she says."

---"What an appallingly morbid distinction for our city: First Place for Fatalities. We already got very grim PR from the 2001 terrorist attack, and now it's like an invisible terrorist group this time has has found a way to make us distrust moisture from our own tongues. Misanthropy is the norm now, we hate all other human creatures. I hug my dog more often, since my dog can't infect me, but I refuse to hug actual humans now."

---"My wife has asked me to sleep on the couch in our living room until they find a cure. She says if I lie in bed with her, it might lead to an exchange of moisture from our tongues that could put us both in the hospital. I have decided to honor her request, but our couch is NOT comfortable as a bed so I am losing two hours of sleep every night from not being able to fall asleep as fast as I normally can when I'm lying next to her in bed."

--"My friend is a professional bibliographer for New York Public Library, so I'm sure she will be one of the first ones to come up with a very authoritative and very comprehensive bibliography of scholarly journal articles relating to the COVID-19 crisis. It's nice to know that at least she will have a career-related accomplishment during this period. I wonder how long it will take before her COVID-19 Bibliography goes online all over the world, and whether that bibliography will give her credit for it. She's very modest, as most librarians are, so it's unlikely she'll want to have her name cited online with that bibliography. I hope I can at least persuade her to add that to her resume,  in case she ever gets a promotion opportunity at her library."

---"I'm not looking forward to the inevitable photo-filled Time-Life book focused on the COVID-19 crisis here in New York City. It will be too close to home for me to be staring at a book of that type inside my own living room. Having a book like that in your home is like a daily reminder that you survived a nuclear holocaust, and you are still not sure whether the radiation inflicted on your body would cause you to drop dead the minute you start to congratulate yourself for having somehow survived that nuclear holocaust."

---"I wish I had the phone numbers of all of my favorite high school teachers who are still alive. This period of confinement in my home gives me a perfect opportunity for a virtual one-to-one-meeting with each of those wonderful teachers. Unfortunately, I can't find that contact information on classmates.com. The focus there is on my former CLASSMATES, not the teachers I admired the most during my high school days."

---"Even the monks must feel nervous these days. They have isolation from most people, true, but whenever there's a delivery of food to their monastery, this could increase the risk of infection. I should check with the Catholic Church to find out whether any monks have been infected with the coronavirus during this period."

---"It's fortunate that I don't pray, because if I did pray I would find it very, very difficult to know which prayer I could use would be the most applicable to this COVID-19 crisis."

---"What worries me the most about COVID-19 is that New Yorkers who are forced to dwell alone over a multi-month period may conclude that they don't like what they see in the mirror every morning and every afternoon and evening. The suicide rate in our city could go sky high from all these New Yorkers who reach a grim existential conclusion that their entire life was nothing but an exercise in absurdity and futility."

--"I do find it a relief to not face the traffic on the roadways as much during this period. If I were a driving instructor here in New York, I would flunk 90 percent of my students. I would repeatedly tell them that they should not use honking as a crutch to cover up poor driving practices on their part. The students would probably rebel by doing a petition with the principal and school board to have me removed as their driving instructor. Then sure enough at some point they'd be facing me on the roadways of New York and would relish that opportunity to put a dent in my automobile."

---"As a parent here in New York, I spend a lot of time reading about cases in which children died from the COVID-19 crisis. My focus is on trying to reduce the risk factor that any of my own children would perish because of COVID-19. Otherwise, I would spend the rest of my life regretting that I hadn't done more to save my children from annihilation at the hands of this megavirus monster."

--"I tell my children that COVID-19 is a monster a bit like King Kong, except you don't actually see the giant gorilla that is killing people every day here in Manhattan. That story seems to help them better understand what COVID-19 is all about."