NEW YORK CITY REVISITED IN THE IMAGINATION: ANOTHER EAVESDROPPER'S REPORT ON MANHATTAN LIFE

"My husband Fred is so anti-alcohol that he tells me he would give anything to enter a time tunnel in order to experience what it was like to live here during the Great Prohibition Era, as he calls it. I told Fred there is no way any such time tunnel will ever be invented for him anytime soon, so he should focus on a more realistic goal for himself. I told Fred he could try to decide which public sidewalk here has the most cracks in it, and then write to the Mayor to ask why those cracks have not been sealed yet. That would be a more realistic project for Fred during his leisuretime."

"Personally, I have never tried to count cracks for any particular block of any of the sidewalks here. Maybe I should ask my daughter Amy to pursue that as a project for Girl Scouts. If she counts 50 or more cracks on one block of a public sidewalk here, she deserves a special merit badge from her troop."

"I wish that the joggers and runners and hikers of New York City would all band together with the regular pedestrians here in a fund-raising event to help eliminate cracks from sidewalks all over Manhattan. Think of all the New Yorkers and visitors to New York who twist their ankle or break their leg or fall and end up in the hospital from attempting to jog or run or hike on a sidewalk here."

"I think the problem is that New Yorkers are too focused on crack of another type, if you get my drift, to pay attention to the hazardous cracks in our city's public sidewalks."

"I need to submit a public-information request to the City Council here to ask when was the last time that Cracks in our city's sidewalks were officially listed as an agenda item before the New York City Council. Or is that the New York City City Council? I get confused on that point."

"To me, it sounds silly to refer to them as our New York City City Council. It sounds like you are stuttering if you talk that way. And no one wants to get a reputation for stuttering here in New York. We are expected to be articulate and concise at all times. It's a necessity here if you want to achieve upward mobility."

"Wouldn't it be great if we had a New York City Sidewalks Commissioner who invited complaints from citizens here on a 24-hour-a-day and year-round basis? I would definitely make use of a 'Stop Cracks in Our City's Sidewalks Hotline' 24-hour-a-day-telephone service, if the Mayor would publicize that for me. I can use my Smart phone to photograph any sidewalk crack here I regard as especially alarming. I could then send that documented evidence to the Sidewalks Commissioner for immediate action."

"The problem with sidewalk-crack-counting as a pastime here in New York is that if the criminal element senses your gaze is focused on the pavement, they will seize that opportunity to steal your wallet or your purse from you. You are already admitting to the criminal types here that you are distracted by a problem that keeps your eyes focused on the sidewalk. This robs you of the opportunity to notice the menacing eyes and nasty facial expressions of criminal types here who cross paths with you on the sidewalks of New York."

"One of the reasons I don't like the cracks in our city's sidewalks is that they imply to visitors here that we get lots of earthquakes. This is actually one of our strong points, that we do NOT get any earthquakes here in Manhattan. But because our city has not assigned top priority to sealing sidewalk cracks as soon as they develop, our visitors are led to believe that we're a National Disaster Area for unreported earthquakes that ruin our city's sidewalks on a year-round basis!"