OVERHEARD IN NEW YORK CITY THIS MONTH, HAD I BEEN THERE AT THE TIME TO EAVESDROP

"I think the worst nightmare for any of us professional actors who portray police detectives on television is that we might attend a party here during our lesiuretime that results in a drug bust by NYPD! Then my face would get plastered all over the front page of the 'Daily News'. The headline would read, 'Off-Duty TV Cop Turns Into Real-life Crime Suspect for NYPD After Drug Bust!' Even if I consumed no cocaine at that party, I'd get blamed for everything because I failed to bring several pairs of handcuffs with me and make a citizen's arrest of each and every party guest I saw at the event who looked like he might have been snorting cocaine!"

"As a sociologist here, my favorite question to ask is this: Are the Hispanic New Yorkers of Mexican ancestry inter-marrying with New Yorkers of Puerto Rican ancestry? I'm doing a statistical analysis on that subject, and I'm not sure yet what my research will reveal. In the meantime, I'm feeling a bit like the famous sexologists Masters and Johnson. I'm gazing through a figurative peephole into the private bedrooms of New Yorkers with either of those two ethnic backgrounds to see if any of the acts of copulation I observe that feature Mexicans and Puerto Ricans in bed together will result in pregnancy and an actual wedding ceremony."

"This is a great city for overcoming xenophobia. If you hear awful things about Albania during your college years, you do a Google search to find an Albanian-style restaurant here. If you then dine in that restaurant and like any of the dishes you eat, you re-visit that restaurant on Facebook and cast an enthusiastic 'I like!' vote. So your prejudice against Albanians has completely vanished in the eyes of the entire world! And you even get credit everywhere for being an ardent admirer of all things Albanian! You might as well be flying an Albanian flag from your automobile when you drive around New York! And the next thing you know, you'll receive an invitation to attend an Albanian Embassy party in Manhattan!"

"Personally, I feel a bit cheapened by all the 'I like' votes I cast on Facebook in the hopes of winning a contest sponsored by that business. I never win any of those contests, and I'm forever publicized online all over the world the rest of my life for having kissed that business on the Internet. It's a bit like declaring to the entire world that I was so desperate for money that I turned into a prostitute! And adding to the shame of it all is that I am publicly identified as an UNPAID prostitute---someone who made ZERO money out of publicly kissing that business, which makes me look not only insincere and immoral, but also pathetically foolish!"

"When I cast an 'I like' vote on Facebook, half the time I'm actually saying to myself, 'I like a bit, but not much, and I mostly wanted to say something nice today to prove I'm a nice guy, and your company's website gave me the outlet I needed, as I Web-surfed today, for proving to the entire world that I'm a nice guy who LIKES life, LIKES people, LIKES the idea of liking things!' The other half of the time when I cast an 'I like' vote on Facebook, I'm actually saying that I like the idea of boosting my career through this strategic 'I like' vote that will give me a nice intro to the owners of this business I'm claiming to like, along with a chance to impress any prospective career associates who also cast an 'I Like' vote for that business!"

"I find it fascinating that your online image is dramatically different from your off-line image here in Manhattan. Has anyone ever told you that you remind them of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Is one side of you a bland and innocuous and reputable gentleman, and the other side of you a psychopath?"

"I wish I could get a photograph showing how you come across in your online persona. I would then get a photograph highlighting how you come across in your very rare you're off-line moments. The contrast between those two photos of yourself would be like Night and Day!"

"As appreciative as Albania has traditionally been toward mainland China, I hypothesized that there have been lots of inter-marriages between ethnic Albanians and ethnic Chinese people here. But I'm not observing any evidence of mixed ancestry of that type in New York. So my sociological theory on that subject has apparently collapsed!"

"My sister was so afraid she'd get evicted from her Manhattan apartment for non-payment of her rent that out of sheer desperation she went online at Facebook to cast an 'I Like' Vote for the owners and managers of her apartment complex! Fortunately for her, her strategy paid off, and she was granted a one-month extension for coming up with the money she needs to pay to hold onto her apartment!"