OVERHEARD IN AN IMAGINARY MANHATTAN IN 2018: THE WIT AND WISDOM OF NEW YORKERS

---"All of my deepest relationships here are with other blog writers, so I plan to host a Bloggers Bash extravaganza inside my apartment. I just can't decide what the theme would be, though, since the blog writers I'm deepest into are writing about a very wide variety of topics, ranging from A to Z. There is no consensus Blog Topic for each of us, so possibly we would be Blog-challenged to actually converse with each other at the party. This is why I'll have to get everyone on the party list to agree in advance to a party theme. Otherwise it could degenerate into rambling conversations about automobiles, perfumes, and football quarterbacks, when it would be impossible to combine all three of those topics into a clever party quip. I want it to be a party with lots of clever quips, since that's the sort of stuff that People Magazine's writers like to feature in their popular pieces about celebrity parties here. I consider myself to be one of the finest undiscovered celebrities here, and I'm very shocked that People Magazine hasn't promoted me yet as the true celebrity that I clearly am!"

--"I prefer to refer to this place as 'Big Apple', not 'The Big Apple'. Think of all the time I save in my conversations here when I talk about life in 'Big Apple', without having to utter the word 'The'. It's also more modest than if I called it The Big Apple. I take pride in being one very rare New Yorker who is completely lacking in any hint of arrogance. I'm so modest that I don't have an arrogant bone in my entire body, and my wife Sheila will back me up on that. Sheila always says that if I ever do decide to market a new brand of cologne here, my product line will be labeled 'True Humility', to convey my own low-key nice-guy style."


--"You just reminded me of an awful joke that my cousin in New Jersey likes to tell: 'When is New York at its Biggest as an Apple? Whenever there's a huge fire and New York turns into a Big Red Apple.' To my cousin, a New Jersey guy who regards hating New York as his favorite pastime, that type of scenario is RED DELICIOUS, in his very perverse opinion. It's a wonder that I'm even on speaking terms with Frank, since his hatred of New York by definition also includes me in the list of people he considers to be odious. Frank is so fanatical about his anti-New York bias that even in his last will and testament, he plans to specify that I myself will get nothing from his estate unless I agree to move to Jersey."

--"My friend Harriet is so grateful for each terrorism-free day we get here in New York that she actually throws a party inside her apartment every applicable Sunday to celebrate the fact that during that most recent seven-day period, no violent act of terrorism occurred here. Harriet subscribes to a special 'Terrorism-in-New York Alert' service, complete with a beeper that goes off from her wristwatch to notify her immediately about any and all  acts of terrorism reportedly occurring in Manhattan or any of our outlying burroughs."

---"As many times as I refer to this place as 'The Big Apple', the least I can do is financially invest in an apple- orchard farm somewhere upstate. Maybe I could do a Google search to identify the very best apple-orchard farmers upstate. It just feels right to do something like that, since I'm very generous and kind-hearted. And besides, maybe I can get a deduction from my income taxes if I invest in an apple-farm upstate somewhere."

---"What I hate the most about living here is that every day I'm very fearful that I will turn into a character in Hollywood movie set in Brooklyn that features the shocking downward mobility of a previously-successful condo owner living in Manhattan. My life would be a riches to rags story, and everyone in the theater audience would be shedding tears for me as they watch the tragedy unfolding on the movie screen before their very eyes."

---"What I hate about working in a cubicle at my office job is that it's rotten for people-watching. I've always taken pride in being a very fashionable New Yorker who likes to admire the human scenery of this city. But that is impossible to do if you're staring at the walls of your very confining cubicle while worrying the entire time that you're going to choke or faint from claustrophobia. Then I'll get taken away by ambulance, and that is definitely NOT a good fashion statement to make at my office job! No one wants to date a lady whose chauffeur is an ambulance driver!"

---"Why do I dress up the way I do, in order to sit at what reminds me of a prison cell whenever I enter my very confining cubicle at my office job here in Manhattan? It's a complete waste of my Hollywood-style glamour! There's something very inhuman and inhumane about forcing me to stare at the walls of my tiny cubicle for eight hours a day. It's a wonder I ever get anything accomplished, since I get so depressed here from feeling like an inmate in my own workplace!"

---"To me, working from a cubicle here in Manhattan is a bit like having no face. Almost no one ever sees me unless I leave my cubicle for coffee break. I don't even get anyone coming up to me and saying, 'I like your make-up today!', since they don't even identify me as someone with a face! I'm 'Cubicle Occupant Number 22', since I'm in the next-to-last cubicle and there are 23 cubicles on this floor of our workplace."

---"One advantage to working from a cubicle is that if I want to do my nails in the middle of my workshift, no one will object. To them, I am this invisible employee who is never even handed a paycheck from my boss, since all of my paychecks are handled electronically through an online deposit into my checking account! I'm a name-less, face-less, robot expected to meet quota, whatever that means, each workshift I'm here. I have nightmares every week during my sleep in which my boss sends me a blunt e-mail demanding to know whether I met my quota for that workshift?"

---"My resume is missing something, so I'm calling all the VIPS I know to ask if any of them will help me get invited to ride on a float at our annual Macy's Parade. I can then add that achievement to my resume, and I'm sure it will help me to land a higher-paying job once I've got that official endorsement from Macy's."

---"If I ever do ride on a float during a Macy's Parade here, I will insist on establishing a new website that exclusively cites and praises each and every person who rode on a Macy's Parade float in the most recent 10-year period. I will also insist that everyone gets cited using their full legal name, since there are a lot of Sally Patterson's here in New York but not so many with the middle name of Teresa."

---"When I enter the subway here and immediately sense that the other passengers spent too much time spraying cologne or perfume on their body, I yearn for a subway car that is exclusively reserved for passengers who don't apply deodorant to their body before they enter that train.  The 'Au Naturelle Scent Subway Car', I will call it, and it will be a wonderful refuge from the over-perfumed, artificially-scented olfactory excess that New Yorkers who shop at Macy's are notorious for!"

---"I plan to write a best-selling guidebook on how to start up a conversation with a complete stranger during an elevator ride here. There is a real art to knowing what to say and what not to say in a matter of seconds, since the button they pushed may  be for the very next floor. I'm an expert on the subject, since last year alone I landed 20 dates with appetizing New Yorkers from riding the elevators here. If they don't whet my appetite, my policy is to say nothing. This helps me to focus on the ones I'd actually want to go all the way with."

----"My own thought on elevator rides is that all that proximity to other human beings increases my chances for contracting an air-borne illness such as pneumonia. That's why I often wear a surgeon's mask during elevator rides in order to avoid getting sick from anyone standing inches from me for as long as 15 consecutive seconds. I also always choose the the express-elevator option when it's available, since this limits the duration of my exposure to any of the all-too-many sickly persons who are currently allowed to reside in this city."

--"Personally, I always hand out my professional calling card to complete strangers I meet on elevator rides. I let my calling cards do the talking for me. There's always a 1 percent chance that the New Yorker who gets that card from me will want to find out more about the honorable professional service that my business offers. So this could mean an extra $10,000 added to my annual income, all because I made the best use of my elevator-riding time here."

---"I don't know why it is, but I tend to trust the businesses I find on the first floor of a skyscraper more than the ones I find on the 30th floor. Maybe it's just my fear of heights; or maybe it's because I think of the first-floor businesses as more grounded in something solid like integrity. "

--"Myself, I always favor the skyscraper offices that are located on the floor that matches the day of the month when I was born. Since I was born on April 27, this makes every 27th-floor office in New York very special to me. It's a bit like celebrating my birthday whenever I enter one of those offices. Call me narcissistic, if you like, but I of course am grateful that 27 was my lucky number from day one."

---"At least if you work in a first-floor office, you don't have to worry about a depressed coworker suddenly taking a flying leap from inside the office in a suicide attempt. The tiny distance from the pavement below means that flying leaps from a first-floor office are pathetic. If they try to jump from a window of my own first-floor office and grab a bold headline in the Post, they're more at risk of getting mugged the minute they land on the cement than they are at actually injuring themselves. They immediately lose their watch, and nearly all of the jewelry on their body--that's the primary outcome from that type of grand-standing."

--"New York is probably one of the last places in the world where anyone talks about cloud formations. Most of us are more interested in finding out if conditions in the sky are smoggy than whether the clouds up there are cumulous. I would even guess that 99 percent of New Yorkers would fail a cloud-identification test, if there were some way to require them to take that test. I myself would definitely fail that test, since all I would write in each of the blanks provided to me would be 'cumulous', accompanied by my meek explanation that 'that's all I know about clouds--that sometimes they're cumulous'."

---"Marlene is so anti-social that if I go out with her to eat and the waitress recommends a Turkey Club sandwich, Marlene will snap that she does not want anything in her mouth that refers to a club of any type. Marlene lives her entire life in the hope that someday her tombstone will declare that 'Marlene was proud of the fact that she never joined any club, since she regarded clubs as 'the first step on the road to Fascism.'" 

---"Personally, I regard his own Latin Studies dissertation theme as a bit esoteric. He plans to photograph as many public buildings as possible that feature Roman Numerals engraved into the side of the building. I don't see what his point will  be, and I don't think he does, either. He has no sense of the need for a hypothesis to guide him in his photography. And it's unlikely he'll ever have any actual findings from his so-called research project that ever get published in a scholarly journal."

---"I think every New Yorker has days when they worry that they are turning into a front-page face for the Post or the Daily News, accompanied by a headline branding them as stupid or corrupt or evil. Maybe this sense of incipient infamy is part of what helps to motivate New Yorkers to pursue philanthropy in their leisuretime and make up for all the misanthropy they pursue through their careers."

--"When New Yorkers take a flying leap from the top floor of a building, my first thought is why in God's name did they choose to be so exhibitionistic in such a coarse manner and force all of New York to pay attention to their shameless vulgarity?  This type of insane grandstanding invites rage toward the person committing suicide. But I realize that there's no point to shouting at a dead person, once you're completely sure that they are actually dead. But until you are completely sure that their pulse has stopped and there's no chance they are alive, you can express justifiable rage toward the individual who took the flying leap."

--"It's considered bad manners in New York to shout with anger at a dead person, even if you regard him as infamous or heinous.  The minute they're officially deceased, New Yorkers know that the time for hurling primal rage at them has just ended. This is one of the leading definers of etiquette in New York: You stop verbally abusing a fellow New Yorker the second you feel reasonably sure that they are now officially deceased."

---"Every time a New Yorker commits suicide, thousands of persons who were relatives or friends or coworkers or neighbors of theirs are put in a very untenable position that they greatly resent being imposed on them. Those survivors immediately sense that they will be getting asked by everyone whether it was something they themselves did that drove that person to commit suicide, and if so, are they feeling guilty now and possibly fearful that they will themselves go to hell for having been blameworthy in that suicide?"

---"I'm very surprised I haven't been invited to attend a 'History of Skylines of New York' photo art exhibit. To me, that would be very, very fascinating, to study photos of our great city's skylines ever since the camera was invented, and at the moment I can't recall when that year was. It was that year, in any event, when the skylines of New York first became material for a photo art exhibit."

--"I can't imagine where they stand in order to photograph the skylines of New York for an art exhibit. Do they do it from a Goodyear blimp, from a helicopter, from the top of the Empire State Building, or what?"

--"Paul is so obsessed with cell phone photography that he plans to sponsor a Cell Phone Photography Art Exhibit here next month. Paul's exaltation of popular culture  with a vulgar twist to it reminds me of Andy Warhol.  I myself cannot figure out what makes a Cell Phone Photography Art Exhibit all that special."

---"With all the New Yorkers who say they have an urgent need for a CAT scan to tell them whether they have a life-threatening disease, maybe some philanthropist will establish a non-profit group that exclusively offers grants to individuals who claim that they might have an undiagnosed potentially fatal medical problem, but currently cannot afford to get a CAT scan or sonogram to find out whether surgery or chemotherapy or whatever it might be is needed. Think of all the New Yorkers who would live 10 years or 20 years longer if they received a grant from this type of group that gives them the diagnostic testing they need."


---"Suzy says she hates mathematics so much that she has a built-in-bias against any and all streets here that have numerical names. Fifth Avenue, to her, is yet another numerically-identified street that she hates to hear about. She adores the Avenue of the Americas because it appears to promote peace throughout this entire hemisphere, but she hates Fifth Avenue. Even counting to five is something that Suzy does NOT want any involvement in."

---"Suzy says that there should be an annual Hemispheric Peace Parade that proceeds down the Avenue of the Americas on a good day for it like December 25. I told Suzy that I admire her idealism,but she's overlooking the point that peace in ONE hemisphere isn't going to guarantee that the OTHER hemisphere will be also be at peace throughout. I canot imagine that OTHER hemisphere ever achieving that type of harmony and tranquility."

--"You are quite right. If the OTHER hemisphere is always at war, and Our hemisphere is generally at peace, this is no reason to celebrate."

---"For all the years I've lived here, no one has ever asked me to identify the first name of the guy who founded Macy's department store. Whether his first name was Harold, Leonard, or Edward, I haven't the foggiest. Of course I could check Wikipedia for that information. But I just don't regard the question as high priority enough for me to find out the answer."

---"I had hoped when I arrived in New York that I could move into an apartment along Bolivia Boulevard at the point where Bolivia Boulevard intersects with Avenue of the Americas. It came as quite a shock to me when I discovered that there is no Bolivia Boulevard here that intersects with Avenue of the Americas."

---"Maybe I've got a perverse sense of humor, but I love the idea of traveling along Avenue of the Americas here in New York in order to enter a 'Museum of Latin American Dictators' somewhere along that world-famous avenue. The museum would give me extensive exhibits about each of the most infamous of the current and former dictators of Latin American countries. I would have a hard time citing any head of state in Latin America who doesn't get labeled as a dictator."

---"Sally is very health-conscious. Instead of having white rice thrown at her wedding, she insisted that brown rice be used for that purpose. Sally wanted to remind as many wedding guests as possible that they can live longer if they eat more brown rice."

---"I wish there were some way a new musical composition could be written that highlights the honking sounds of motor-vehicle traffic here. To me, it's obvious that french horns could be used for simulating the sounds of car horns being honked here. But maybe some other musical instrument, such as the tuba, would be just as effective at replicating the sounds of automobile traffic on the roadways of Manhattan.  Maybe we should have a contest in which all New Yorkers are asked to vote on which musical instrument they want to hear in a musical composition for the New York Philharmonic Orchestra that highlights the sounds of motor-vehicle traffic in Manhattan."

---"I hiked along Avenue of the Americas because I just assumed that would be the best way to get to know the local restaurants featuring the cuisines of Honduras and Panama and Brazil.  My premise was flawed, since the street name proved to be a case of false advertising. Maybe I should contact the Attorney General of New York and complain."

---"Myself, I was expecting an 'Avenue of the Americas' Trans-Americas Food Festival here that highlights the cuisines of each nation found in North America, Central America, and South America. I was looking forward to that event partly because I still to this day don't know what Uruguayan-style cuisine tastes like. I was hoping to add Uruguay to the nations of the world I have conquered with my tongue. I guess that makes me a Spanish-style Conquistador, except that I am very respectful toward the indigenous populations."

---"I find it inspirational to note that the Goddess of Liberty has a giant-sized brain. If you measured the circumference of her brain, she is obviously the brainiest person in all of Manhattan. I think she's telling the ladies of New York to take pride in their own brainpower, and to pursue a lucrative career as an ideas person for a corporation here. I think she is also saying that we can each cite her as a reference on our resume when we interview for that type of job here."

---"Effective immediately, I have a new policy against ordering mushroom dishes in the restaurants of Manhattan. So many of the chefs and waiters here don't like my politics, so I'm always at risk of their serving me a poisonous mushrooms dish when I dine out. They even have a prepared statement they plan to offer to the news media after I'm suddenly taken by ambulance to the hospital. That statement will of course read, and I quote: 'We regret the error in which the mushrooms we served to that particular ideological adversary of ours happened to have been poisonous, and we are diligently investigating to find out whether the error was caused by our supplier, or possibly the truck company that transported the mushrooms to our restaurant, and we are not sure which of those two explanations is t he correct one. We of course deplore this unfortunate mistake. Our restaurant policy is to serve everyone with the greatest of integrity, even if we despise any particular guest's political and religious beliefs.'"

---"The survey I dread the most here in New York is a one-question survey that asks me to rate my current level of fatigue from a scale of one to 10. I would reply to that survey by asking if I had the option of answering the question with the number 11. I can just imagine what the survey-taker would say: 'Just another New Yorker being a smart-aleck'."


--to be continued