IF I WERE A COMEDIAN---ONE JOB TITLE I WILL NEVER HAVE---I MIGHT USE SOME OF THE FOLLOWING LINES:

--"It's always exciting to watch two young people today getting hot and heavy with each other in public. From what I've observed, they rub the cell phone of one of them against the cell phone of the other. It's safe sex, since no semen results from that cell-phone fornication."

--"I call them cell-phone phoneys. They hold their cell phone in public like a status symbol, when they are secretly worried that someone will call them on their bluff and ask them exactly who is texting to them at that moment and exactly what are they planning to text back in reply?"

--"It's always a thrill to live in a country where everyone on television is always asking, 'Can She Sing?', and I myself am always asking, 'Can She Write Decent Lyrics?' Never in human history have more people been singing so prolifically during a period in which their lyrics were so utterly and completely devoid of human intellect or idealism or redeeming social value."

--"I would define cultural illiteracy today as not knowing how to immediately identify for the Austin Police Department or Travis County District Attorney each of the 10 most commonly smoked or snorted or sniffed or ingested illicit drugs being consumed in big quantities in the Austin, Texas, of today."

--"What Austin, Texas, desperately needs is an Austin Police Department-sponsored workshop for Austin's very finest vigilant private citizens. It would be a workshop that teaches them how to immediately identify correctly each of the 20 most frequently consumed illicit drugs in Austin of today. That workshop will also teach admirably vigilant Austinites why it's urgent for them to call 911 ASAP if they are fairly sure they directly observed evidence of any of the above foreign substances anywhere in this state capital that many refer to as the Drug Den of the Southwest."

--"This state capital's namesake, Stephen F. Austin, would roll over in his grave if he were to learn that Austin, Texas, of today is a leading drug den of the Southwest."

--"I think anyone who lives in the Austin, Texas, of today is inevitably asking himself about the origins of the term 'drug den'. Those two words in combination tell you as much about the heritage of Austin of today as anything else you will ever find here."

--"Austin attracts so many drug addicts as new residents that legend has it that when a newcomer to Austin sees the 'Welcome to Austin' sign and then steps into our city's boundaries for the first time ever, his first question is: 'So where's my free reefer I was promised I would get for joining the Marijuana Community here?'"


--"We have all heard about the national political leader in the United States who promised the American people 'chicken in every pot.' Well, if you live in Austin, Texas, in the year 2017, you might as well change that pledge to 'pot in every chicken'."

--"I don't blame the parents in Austin who hire a drug-sniffing dog to greet any young man wanting to date their daughter. If the dog barks a certain way, this tells the parents that the young man has just failed a drug-sniffing test here in this state capital city. So it turns into an immediate elimi-date situation, you might say."

--"Austin these days has a new Medical School that billionaire Michael Dell financed. And if most Austinites had their way, that Medical School would be required to spend half of its budget on trying to prove that marijuana is a form of medicine."

--"I think everyone wonders where the famous movie 'Reefer Madness' was filmed. To me, Austin is as good a guess as any. You won't find any city with more reefers per capita that have a maddening effect on anyone and everyone who is actually sober and straight."

--"Austinites are among the most oversexed people in America. In fact, one local observer recently quipped that there should be an official City of Austin sign welcoming newcomers here that states, 'Welcome to Sodom and Gonorrhea'."

--"Austin is one city where it's recommended that you never ask a pregnant woman who the lucky father is. 'You're assuming the pregnancy is wanted, and that's an unfair culturally biased assumption you are making,' the pregnant woman may snap at you. 'There is no lucky father, and I'm very definitely NOT a lucky mother. I'm waiting for an abortion."