My Reply to the Many Austin Residents and Central Texans and Other Americans Who Have Each Denounced Me by Labeling Me as a 'Fascist' or a 'Communist'

---I myself have been employed on a continuous basis by one or more respective for-profit businesses ever since April 27, 2002. In that entire 11-year period, I only received one total paycheck from a government-owned institution or agency, and that one total paycheck was from Travis County Government in Austin, Texas, for one total cited very brief and short-term context that I believe was possibly confidential, so that I may not be at liberty, even today, to disclose to anyone else the nature of that temporary position of employment for Travis County Government.

---I myself have never been an official member of any socialist political party or any self-identified Fascist or Nazi political party or any communist political party, anywhere in the world, at any time in my entire life. I am politically independent, and I am not myself formally affiliated with any political party.

---I myself am being devoted to leading a lifestyle in which I am honest or tacfully honest on a lifelong basis. This aspect of my own conduct poses a very dramatic contrast to the German Nazi leader Adolph Hitler, who confessed in his book "Mein Kampf," based on an excerpt from that book that I have myself read in a modern book anthologizing famous quotations, that Hitler advocated telling lies to the people of his country of citizenship.

---It is true that I myself do not support what is often referred to as "unbridled capitalism." However, I  myself do strongly support a modified form of capitalism --- enlightened capitalism,  I might call it ---- that is yolked or bridled, if you will, to crucial bipartisan societal goals. I strongly support an urgently-needed government-sponsored and private-sector-sponsored bipartisan realignment of our American capitalist system to ensure that it is fully fostering of environmental protection, land conservation and water conservation and energy conservation; the recycling of as many recyclable items as possible; promotion of renewable energy sources; promotion of a wide variety of safe and energy-efficient and comfortable mass-transportation systems throughout this entire nation, including mass trnasportation systems serving residents of or visitors to small and medium-sized towns and suburban communities; promotion of healthful lifelong sports; promotion of healthful foods and beverages such as tea and yogurt and fruits and vegetables; promotion of a comprehensive network of private-sector drug-treatment and alcohol-treatment and tobacco-treatment programs tha are as affordable as possible for as many Americans as possible who each seek treatment for an addiction of theirs to any licit or illicit drug, any tobacco product, or to any drinking-alcohol product; promotion of first-rate and lifelong education programs potentially serving all Americans; promotion of a wide array of first-rate and honest and reliable news and information services that are available to any and all American citizens; promotion of a wide variety of creative and healthful hobbies and pastimes for all Americans; promotion of a high quality of life and humane living conditions for all Americans under age 30, in particular; and promotion of crime deterrence programs and law-abiding as well as conscientiously vigilant lifestyles by all Americans, with help from first-rate law-enforcement agencies of the government.

---I myself emphatically believe that any adult gainfully employed American citizen, regardless of his own political or religious or personal beliefs and regardless his own level of popularity anywhere in the United States or elsewhere, or his own level of "popularity" (or lack thereof) with any cited "community" or "subculture" or "group" or "individual" in the United States or elsewhere, should himself have full and immediate access, including at present, to all of his own current financial wealth that can be found in each and every one of the savings accounts  or checking accounts that were each established on his own behalf or in his name, or that were directly established by himself, in one or more financial institutions anywhere in the entire world. This belief of mine poses a very dramatic contrast to the policies of Nazi Germany in the early 1940s, for instance. Nazi Germany authorities reportedly seized many of the savings accounts of honorable Jewish citizens of Germany and turned those monies over to the government of Nazi Germany for use by that government. 


---I myself am not an atheist, and I am not an agnostic, either. This self-identity of mine as a deistic human being poses a sharp contrast to a high percentage of all persons who identify themselves as being "communists." I myself am a subscriber of "implicit deism," with the accompanying religious view that my own belief in implicit deism is best manifested through my devotion to pursuing factual information and citing factual informaton that might help me comprehend what I observe, including, when applicable, any possible supernatural power or possible supernatural powers of any type, in the world around me.

---I myself never cite a deity as somehow endorsing or supporting or advocating any form of violence against or punishment against anyone. I do not presume to "speak" for or "represent" any deity, nor do I ever at any time claim to myself have the power to myself directly communicate with any deity.

---I myself have never on any occasion in my entire life ever once participated in a prayer in which I expressed the hope that some deity would punish or harm or murder, or order the murder of, anyone in particular, or any cited group of people or any cited nationality or race. This aspect of my own conduct poses a very sharp contrast to many of the religious Christians of Nazi Germany and Fascist Italy during World War II, who no doubt prayed to a cited "deity" in order to request that their cited "Christian God" punish and harm and annihilate and destroy cited enemies of Nazi Germany and Fascist Italy.

---I myself have never advocated policies by the United States Government, or by any state or local government of the United States, that would trigger starvation, and the increased risk of death from starvation, being thereby inflicted on any American citizen. This aspect of my own conduct poses a very dramatic contrast to the policies and programs pursued by Soviet dictator Josef Stalin in the Soviet Union of the early and mid-20th Century.

---I emphatically reject the view that individuals exist primarily for the sake of serving the state in which they reside. This emphasis of mine on individuals' freedom to set their own priorities, make decisions for themselves, and set their own course in life, poses a very dramatic contrast between myself and the Nazis of World War II Germany or the Communists of the 20th Century Soviet Union.

---I myself strongly support the legal right and Constitutional right of any American citizen to lead a completely and permanently celibate lifestyle, if he so chooses for himself----including throughout that person's adulthood and throughout all of a person's hours of sleeping or napping on his own bed in the privacy of his own bedroom inside his private residence. This legal position of mine sharply contrasts with the heavy emphasis of Nazi Germany on sexual procreation activities aimed at human production of babies who might later be expected to serve in Nazi Germany's military invasions of other countries.

---I myself am repulsed by facial hair on human faces, regardless of whether that facial hair is a mustache, a beard, or a goatee, and I storngly supprt a "cleanshaven, open face" that presents a kindly and friendly and emotionally-expressive and honest style toward others. This outlook of mine poses a dramatic contrast to Adolf Hitler and Josef Stalin and Benito Mussolini, the respective top Nazi or communist and Fascist dictators of World War II Germany and the Soviet Union and Italy, respectively.  Hitler and Stalin and Mussolini were each world-famous, and world-infamous, for their own mustaches.

---I myself believe very strongly that honorable citizens of a country should never fear or feel intimidated by their own government.

---I myself believe that law-abiding citizens of a nation should enjoy the legal and human right to travel freely to anywhere in that nation or, with help from a visa, to travel to any foreign nation that is willing to authorize that visit from an American citizen. This view of mine contrasts sharply with the policies of the Fascist, Nazi, and Communist rulers of foreign nations in the 20th Century.

---I myself support the legal and human right and Constitutional right of all American citizens to hold positions of employment in which they are never subjected to any verbalized death threat at their workplace.  This outlook of mine poses a sharp contrast to Nazi Germany of the 1930s and early 1940s, Fascist Italy of the 1930s and early 1940s, and Communist Russia during the Stalin Era.

---I myself strongly oppose the view of many Fascists and Communists that a person's ability to enjoy a full natural lifespan and creatively vital full medical longevity should be made strictly contingent on his never at any time publicly or privately criticizing the government or on his never at any time criticizing any particular political party or any cited political organization or any cited "very important individual" or any cited "powerful leader" or any particular "favorite group of top government officials," or words to that effect.

---I myself strongly oppose the views of many Fascists and Communists that a person's ability to enjoy a full natural lifespan and full creatively vital medical health should be made strictly contingent on that person not writing any journal entry or any writing and sending any letter to a friend or relative or associate that might contain statements conflicting with the officially promulgated views and ideology of the so-called "Powers That Be."

----I myself emphatically reject the view that a person whose political beliefs and religion-related beliefs differ dramatically from those of the top rulers of the government or the ruling political party in a nation, should himself be classified on that basis as being a "psychiatric patient" or a "mentally ill person." This outlook of mine poses a dramatic contrast to the policies of the Communist Government in the Soviet Union of the mid- and latter 20th Century.

---I myself emphatically reject the view that an honorable political dissident or religious dissident within n nation should be classified and publicly identified by the rulers of that nation or the ruling political party of that nation as a "threat to society" or a "threat to our national security" or a "menace to society" or a public nuisance" or a "public menace."

----I myself believe that American citizens should enjoy their full legal and Constitutional rights, including the legal right to reside in whichever state or city or town or village or rural area they wish to live in, regardless of where in the United States they choose to reside during that time period. By contrast, the dictators of Communist Russia in the 20th Century often ordered the relocation of Russian dissidents to Siberia and forbade those Russian citizens from residing elsewhere in the Soviet Union. That government-ordered "purging" of Russian dissidents from the mainstream of Soviet life comprised a flagrant violation of their own human and legal rights.

---I myself emphatically oppose any attempt to "railroad" or "hound" or "harass" any person out of a cited city or town or county or urban area where he is residing or visiting. This is yet another way in which my own beliefs and conduct differ dramatically from those of Fascists, in particular, who often apparently endorsed punitive forms of vigilanteism of that type by Fascist sympathizers in Fascist Italy of the 1930s and early 1940s.

---I myself emphatically oppose the use of government-sponsored or government-financed "continuous noise pollution" or "non-stop background noise pollution" as a weapon aimed at punishing and harming the hearing capacity and medical health of, and harassing and persecuting, a particular citizen of that country whose own political or religious or personal or philosophical beliefs and priorities conflict with those of the rulers of that nation or the ruling political party in that nation. This outlook of mine poses a dramatic contrast to the alleged use of continuous noise pollution by some dictatorial political regimes as a political weapon aimed at harming and punishing dissidents within that nation.


---I myself have never advocated the violent overthrowing of the United States Government or of any state or county or municipal or regional government entity anywhere in the United States of America. In fact, over a multi-decade period I have filed numerous reports with the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the United States Homeland Security Department that were each designed to help protect the security of law-abiding American citizens, including myself among those law-abiding American citizens.

---I myself have almost never attended any mass political rally of any type during my own leisuretime.

---I myself have never directly participated in or walked in or ridden inside a motor vehicle in a political-theme parade or parade of any type in my entire life. This poses a very sharp contrast between my own conduct and the frequent particpation in political parades by  Nazis of World War II Germany.

---I myself am not a violent person. The most recent occasion in which I physically assaulted another human being was during my fourth grade year of elementary school. The male classmate of mine whom I hit on his leg on one total occasion with a plastic baseball bat that I happened to be holding in my hand at the time, did not himself require hospitalization as a result of that incident. I did, in any event, deeply regret what I felt had been a major scandal in my own life in which a comment from a male classmate of mine that had hurt my own feelings (he had stated to me that I was not his best friend) had somehow triggered a physically violent response from me.

---I myself do not have any criminal-conviction record. This aspect of my own lifestyle contrasts sharply with many of the Fascists of 1930s Italy and many of the Nazi Party members of 1930s Germany, whose conduct was often determined in a court of law in pre-Fascist Italy and in pre-Nazi Germany as having been violently law-breaking.

---I myself do not advocate or support or pursue any form of personal injury to any other human being, or to myself.

---I myself have never stated to any other human being that I seek to "take the law into my own hands" by myself allegedly attempting to personally "punish" or "exact revenge against" or "deliberately humiliate" someone who had offended me or wronged me in one or more cited contexts, or who had allegedly wronged a friend or relative or associate of mine.

---I myself have never on any occasion in my entire life ever once raped or sexually assaulted any other human being.

---I myself have never on any occasion in my entire life ever once stated or indicated to anyone that I myself would even consider participating in the alleged gang-rape of a cited or targeted rape victim. This aspect of my own conduct as a human being poses a very dramatic contrast to conduct exhibited by German Nazis and German military officers during World War II.

---I myself have never on any occasion in my entire life ever advocated to anyone else the alleged rape or sexual assault of any other human being.

---I myself have never on any occasion in my entire life ever once ordered or asked or paid another human being to rape or sexually assault or physically assault or harm the medical health of or injure or wound a planned or cited "victim."

---I myself have never on any occasion witnessed another human being possibly or allegedly raping or sexually assaulting or physically assaulting a victim in a context in which I then chose not to myself immediately call a law-enforcement agency and report factual evidence I'd observed that someone had possibly been victimized by rape.
In 1984, for instance, I did promptly call 911 to report to the Cambridge Police Department or possibly some other law enforcement agency in the Boston area of Massachusetts, that I had just observed one or more men physically assaulting another man and apparently kicking him in his groin area along Massachusetts Avenue in Cambridge. Even though the 911 dispatcher with whom I spoke informed me that several other persons had already called 911 to report that same incident before I did, I had at least made very effort to immediately report that alleged crime in progress to a law-enforcement agency.

---I myself have never at any time in my entire life ever once deiberately and willfully ripped apart or deliberately cut holes in an undergarment or any other item of apparel of any other human being.

---I myself have never on any occasion in my entire life ever once attempted to physically injure or physically harm any other human being at a time when that person was, in fact, lying unconscious and asleep.

---I myself have never on any occasion in my entire life ever once attempted to inflict any type of wound or damage to the circulatory system or blood vessels or nervous system or physical appearance of any other human being, whether in a context when that human being was sleeping and unconscious or in a context when that human being was awake.

---I myself oppose the deliberate and willful infliction of pain on, or torture of, any other human being.

---I myself emphatically oppose sadomasochistic conduct or sadomasochistic "relationships".

---I myself emphatically oppose slavery or compelled "personal" relationships such as "arranged marriages." 

----I strongly support the legal and Constitutional right of any American citizen, including myself, to refuse to be professionally affiliated with any entity that fails to fully support the privacy rights of law-abiding individuals and the freedom of law-abiding individuals to set their own course in life and make their own decisions for themselves.

---I myself have never owned a whip or used a whip to inflict pain on anyone on any occasion in my entire life.

---I myself have almost never attempted to withhold or withheld pertinent and potentially helpful factual information from another human being.

---I myself have either never or almost never deliberately inflicted fraudulent and deliberately dishonest communications on another human being.

----I myself strongly support full access to first-rate and fully honest and reliable news and information services for any and all American citizens on a year-round and lifelong basis. This view of mine poses a sharp contrast to the policies of Fascist, Nazi, or Communist governments of the 20th Century in foreign nations such as Italy, Germany, China, and the Soviet Union.

---I myself never verbalize any death threat to any other human being.

---I myself have never once stated to another human being that he or she "does not belong in this world" or that he or she "has an eerie other-worldly quality that reminds me of a creature from outer space," or that he or she "is a monster" or that he or she is "subhuman" or that he or she is "closer to being an animal than a human being," or words to that effect, or that he or she is "the Devil Incarnate and therefore not human."

----I myself have almost never shouted with anger at any other human being on any occasion in my entire life.

---I myself have never attempted to inflict "terror" on any other human being at any time, a conduct trait of mine that definitely sets me apart from the Fascists of World War II Italy and the Nazis of World War II Germany from that vantage point as well.

---I myself have never angrily shouted an obscenity or profanity at any other human being.

--I myself have never stated to anyone that I support the bombing of any foreign nation in any cited context relating to the present or future.

---I myself have never or almost never stated to anyone that I advocate conquest and permanent takeover and occupation by the U.S. Armed Forces of cited foreign territory or a cited foreign nation. This aspect of my own conduct poses a very dramatic contrast between myself and the Fascists of 1930s and 1940s Italy or the Nazis of 1930s and 1940s Germany.

---I myself have either never or almost never stated to anyone that I regard the United States as "superior to" or "better than" all other nations of the world. In my primary postage-stamp-collecting project during my childhood, for instance, I especially delighted in collecting postage stamps from the European nation of Greece that each highlighted cited deities from the ancient Greek religion (sometimes referred to as Greek mythology).

---I myself have never declared to anyone that persons born in the United States comprise a "superior race" to the peoples of any other nation or to foreign immigrants in the United States who came here from foreign nations.

---I do not regard myself as a white supremacist. This aspect of my own beliefs contrasts sharply with the widely-publicized views of the Nazis of 1930s and 1940s Germany.

---I myself have never been directly informed by any Jewish person at any time in my entire life that that individual regarded me as being allegedly "anti-Semitic" or allegedly "prejudiced against Jewish persons." The absence of anti-Semitism in myself presents a very dramatic contrast between myself and either the Fascists of 1930s and early 1940s Italy or the Nazis of 1930s and early 1940s Germany.

---I myself have never stated to anyone on any occasion that I found it offensive that they themselves sensed or believed that I myself might be Jewish in ancestral identity.  In the spring of 1978, for instance, I responded in a polite manner when a Jewish female instructor at Washington University in St. Louis, who had very kindly agreed to meet with me in an off-campus restaurant for a meal at that time, abruptly asked me the following emphatic question in the middle of our in-person conversation that took place in or near University City, Missouri: "Are you sure you're not Jewish? You DEFINITELY have the paranoia of a Jew!" (an exact or near-exact quote of her words to tme that day). I maintain that many self-identified Fascists and Nazis and Communists, in contrast to msyelf, did indeed or would indeed react in an observably hostile and possibly even violent manner if anyone ever stated to that Fascist or Nazi or Communist person that he appeared to be  possiblyJewish in the view of the speaker.


---I myself have either never or almost never stated to anyone that I regard persons who are born with English and Scottish and German ancestry, my own ancestral heritages combination, or that I regard anyone born with primarily English ancestry or primarily Scottish ancestry or primarily German ancestry, as being individuals who are somehow "superior" to or "better than" persons who are born with the ancestry of any other nation or combination of nations in this world.

---I myself never refer to another human being as allegedly being "a stupid fool" or a "moron" or an "idiot."

---I myself have repeatedly stated throughout much of my own adult life that I emphatically oppose the view that a person's worth as a human being is largely or primarily determined by his or her biologically-conferred human traits or ancestral identity at birth.
I deplore biological determinism.

---I myself do not seek to harm any other human being, or myself, for that matter.

---I have never on any occasion in my entire life ever at any time illegally entered the private residence or apartment unit or home of any other human being.


----I myself have never broken into the private residence of any other human being on any occasion in my entire life.

---I myself fully support civilly-administered enforcement by the government of any and all existing laws in Texas relating to alleged criminal conduct.

----I myself strongly believe that enforcement of the law in Texas demands conscientious and alert vigilance by all residents of Texas as well as by all visitors to Texas on a daily and year-round basis, with noble and courageous and frequent crime reports to police departments by those Texan residents and visitors to Texas playing a crucial role in enforcement of the law in our state.

---I myself fully support the legal and human right of all other human beings to enjoy a full and natural medical lifespan and fully vital longevity, the only exception to that at present being clearly-designated "death-row" inmates incarcerated in a prison facility who have each been convicted of first-degree homicide for which court-ordered capital punishment of that inmate has been approved in a court of law and all legal appeals of that court-ordered capital punishment have been encouraged and permitted and fully reviewed in a court of law as well under fully honest and straightforward circumstances.

---My own support for court-ordered capital punishment of individuals convicted of the unconscionable crime of first-degree homicide refers to an existing law in the state of Texas that the Texas Legislature, a duly-elected governing body, approved many years ago through a vote of that governing body----a governing body, I might add, whose members were each chosen by the citizens of Texas in a free and democratic election.

---My own strong support for proposed revision of state law by the Texas Legislature that will at some future date authorize court-ordered capital punishment of individuals convicted in a court of law of having committed the violent felony crime of attempted homicide in Texas, is a religious and political belief of mine that is ALWAYS accompanied by my full acknowledgement that the legal system in Texas currently does not authorize or permit court-ordered capital punishment in that particlar context involving attempted homicide.

---I myself strongly oppose vigilanteism, which I deplore as being arbirtary and capricious and cruel and unusual and flagrantly illegal and Unconstitutional punishment of individuals who happen to be "unpopular" to others, regardless of whether the individuals pursuing vigilanteism dislike someone partly because they believe he may have allegedly committed a crime of some type.

---I myself almost never refer to another human being as being "evil" or "sinister" or "someone I despise" or "someone I dislike intensely." I instead will make comments referring to conduct by a person that I myself deplore or am dismayed by. This outlook of mine poses a dramatic contrast to the outlook of Nazi Germany in the 1930s and 1940s that Germans were expected to despise or express hatred toward individuals whose political beliefs or religious beliefs or ancestral heritage or racial identity differed from the majority of Germans.


---I fully support the legal system in Texas that delegates to municipal police departments and other government police departments in our state the legal right to coduct criminal-law investigates and arrrest persons suspected of having committed a felony or misdemeanor crime.

---I respect the privacy rights of others.

---I myself have never spied on any other human being in any context involving use of electronic technology outside of my own private residence.

---I have never secretively obtained a videotape of a law-abiding person and then "broadcast" that videotape to the entire world through a YouTube item or some counterpart to a YouTube item.
---I myself never subject any other human being to any prank or criminal mischief.

---I myself have spoken out against pranks and criminal mischief and written public statements opposing pranks and criminal mischief ever since my childhood in the Austin area of Texas.

---I myself never subject any other human being to any anonymous communications that violate that human being's privacy rights in any way.

---I myself have never at any time subjected any other human being---or any animal, for that matter---to any thought-control project.

---I myself strongly oppose thought-control projects.

---I myself strongly oppose brainwashing projects.

---I myself strongly oppose censorship of others.

---I myself also oppose censorship of any and all persons whose political and religious beliefs and values and priorities and opinions and perceptions and impressions are dramatically different from and very incompatible with my own. Having noted that, I still regard it as fair and very reasonable on my part to support legal actions that prohibit those individuals from subjecting me to repeated or continuous anonymous communications violating my own privacy rights.

---I myself fully support full Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Religion, and Freedom of Association Involving  Clearly-Stated Mutual Consent or Multi-Party Consent for any and all Americans.

---I myself have never stated to anyone or indicated to anyone that I am not willing to be a personal friend or business associate of a person whose political or religious or personal beliefs are significantly different from those of myself. In fact, throughout my entire life so far I have only rarely met any persons whose cited political beliefs, for instance, were very similar to those of myself. I have always taken it as a given of life for me that friends and relatives and associates of mine almost always each have political and religious and personal beliefs very different from those of myself. This aspect of my own style as a human being poses a dramatic contrast to the outlook of the Nazis of 1930s and 1940s Germany.

--I strongly support the legal and Constitutional right of any law-abiding American citizen to reside in whichever state or city or town or village of the United States he chooses to reside in without his being penalized for that law-abiding choice that he made. This outlook of mine poses a sharp contrast to the outlook of some rulers of communist nations toward citizens of those countries.

---I myself have never in my adulthood ever on any occasion participated in any deliberate "heckling" or repeated attempted disruption of a public speech by a speaker in any context.

---I myself respectfully question whether the Freedom of Religion clause of the Bill of Rights in the United States Constitution should be applicable in any way to self-identified "religious groups" that allegedly serve as spawning grounds for physically violent and flagrantly illegal activities, including violent terrorist activities, anywhere in the world.

---I myself strongly support the legal and Constitutional right of anyone, anywhere in the entire world, to verbalize criticism of myself, John Kevin McMillan, or of my own one-member and non-Christian and implicitly deistic Progressive Prohibitionist Religion, in any context that does not feature anonymous communications from others that allegedly violate my own privacy rights.

---I myself strongly support a new approach to my own religion that promotes annual revision of the tenets of my own religion through a vote of all of its membership, that annual revision of my own religion being one tradition on behalf of promoting full honesty and integrity and compliance with the law by my own religion.

---I myself fully and promptly honor the legal and Constitutional right of any other human being to verbalize to me a permanent and irrevocable rejection of myself.

---I myself strongly agree with the famous declaration by Illinois Governor Adlai Stevenson, himself the official Democratic Party candidate in two U.S. Presidential campaigns in the 1950s, that "Self-criticism is the secret weapon of a democracy."

---I myself welcome and encourage lawfully expressed and specific criticism by anyone of any human being or any political party or cited "subculture" or cited "community" or business entity or media company or organization or civic group or institution or agency or school or school district or university system anywhere in the world, with the clear prior understanding that I myself oppose any form of criticism that is expressed in the form of anonymous communications violating the privacy rights of myself or anyone else.

---I myself am always sober at all times, which makes me all the more accountable for my own conduct being dependably civil and law-abiding and tactfully honest at all times. I never consume any drinking alcohol or marijuana or any illicit drug other than marijuana, for that matter.

---I myself have never purchased the illicit drug marijuana on any occasion since or including the late summer of 1978. In this way, I myself have DEFINITELY NOT made any payments of money of my own that might directly or indirectly finance or aid and abet any activities by any terrorist group or any organized-crime group that allegedly has any ties to illicit-drug trafficking.

---I myself have never purchased any quantity of marijuana on more than one total occasion in my entire life.

---I myself have never purchased or consumed any illicit drug other than marijuana on any occasion in my entire life.

---I myself have never on any occasion contributed to the repressive and reprehensible subjugation of any other human being through the alleged sale by myself of any quantity of marijuana or other illicit drug to another human being.

----In my entire life, I myself have never on any occasion accepted any payment of money to myself from another person in exchange for my providing that person with any quantity of marijuana or any other illicit drug.

Wit and Wisdom of New Yorkers, Part XII

Had I remained in New York City, New York, ever since 1986, I feel sure I would have overheard the following snippets from other New Yorkers' conversations as they conversed with one another in public places:



----"My cousin in Chicago, she counts sheep every night in order to fall asleep. Myself, I count floors of the Empire State Building when I can't fall asleep at night. By the time I've reached the 12th floor, my insomnia problem has ended and I'm sound asleep. That works out well for me, since I'm not sure that there is a 13th floor in the Empire State Building. Whoever designed that building probably wanted to avoid having a bad-luck floor there, and I don't blame them. The number '13' has always scared the daylights out of me, ever since my childhood in Manhattan. So the Empire State Building may well skip from 12th floor to 14th floor. I have never bothered to call over there and ask any of the people who work there if they have a 13th floor. I like using the Empire State Building to fall asleep by since it lends a nice New York motif to my dreams. We aren't called the Empire State for no reason."


---"You remind me that I would love to write a book exclusively devoted to the subject of 13th floors of buildings here in New York. Is there any truth to the widely held belief that those who work or live on the 13th floor of a building are more likely to be struck by tragedy? Another angle to my book would be the buildings of New York City that are at least 13 floors in height, but where no 13th floor is actually listed as an option when you ride an elevator in that building. Do the people who live on what is called a 14th floor, but which is actually a 13th floor in reality, tend to suffer more tragedies than those who live on the 12th floor, for instance? That would make a fascinating comparison for my book."


---"I still find it odd that Samantha spends so much time at the Russian Tea Room, but she never once tells me that she drank Russian tea there. Why do they call it 'Russian Tea Room' if the people who dine there don't even order Russian tea as their beverage? To me, it's disrespectful to enter a place highlighting Russian tea when you never even try that beverage, and it's obviously their House Favorite beverage over there. They probably even have special Russian Tea biscuits as a featured item that goes well with all the tea-sipping over there. That reminds me that I have never seen a Russian Tea Biscuit in my entire life. Maybe I should visit the Russian Tea Room just to find out what a Russian tea biscuit looks like. But there are so many tourists there, and I try to avoid going anyplace in New York where the tourists hang out. Maybe that's irrational on my part, but my own personal guide to New York tends to eliminate any place where I'll see lots of tourists. I would never get caught dead in the Empire State Building, and I avoid Rockefeller Center like the plague."


----"Maybe I should write a book about the stupidest questions that tourists to New York have posed to those of us who actually live here. To me, the stupidest question I ever got was from this lady from Detroit who approached me along Park Avenue a few years ago. She asked me which park does Park Avenue highlight. I told her it highlights Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming, and this is a well-kept secret here in New York City, I told her. I pointed out that some famous New Yorker, and I think it may have been Teddy Roosevelt, had played a major role in the establishment of Yellowstone National Park, and this is why an entire avenue in New York City still to this day honors that famous park in Wyoming. We don't have any geysers along Park Avenue, unfortunately, I says, but the most savvy insiders here think about Yellowstone National Park whenever they walk along Park Avenue or drive along that street, I told her. 

I thought for sure the Detroit lady would get angry and accuse me of lying to her. But she was so naive and gullible that she actually thanked me for that helpful information and she turned to her husband, a guy named Frank, and told him they were very lucky to talk to a real insider about New York City that day, all without my charging them a fee for that very interesting insider's tip about New York, she tells Frank. I had a hard time keeping a straight face. When I later told my friend Harry about that idiot lady tourist from Detroit, he couldn't stop laughing about my budding career as a 'tour guide' here."


----"I'd love to do a documentary film featuring a variety of New Yorkers who each participate in separate oral-history interviews in which they are each asked a two-part question. The two-part question would be phrased something like: 'Do you recall the occasion or moment in your own life when you personally sensed that you had fallen OUT of love with New York City? If your answer to that question is "yes," do you recall what happened that prompted you to fall back IN love with New York City?'"

-----"To me, a truly first-rate documentary movie about New York City should also feature interviews with New Yorkers who each declare that they currently love New York, and that they never on any occasion ever once fell OUT of love with the City at any time in their entire life. That would make for a more balanced and more convincing documentary."


----"Personally, I'd love to do a documentary television program featuring interviews with a variety of New Yorkers who each say their home or apartment has never once been broken into on any occasion in the last five-year period. The show would focus on strategies those New Yorkers pursue to keep illegal intruders outside of their own home. The only possible problem I can foresee is that a lot of the New Yorkers whose residence has not been broken into would be afraid to be seen on television talking about their success story. They would be afraid that the criminal element here  would look upon that television publicity as an invitation to challenge those New Yorkers' home-security system with a break-in attempt."


----"I would love to see a new book containing an photo-illustrated anthology of mini-essays and tentative impressions from first-time visitors to New York City who came here from somewhere else in the United States. I don't think we New Yorkers give enough thought to how our city comes across to people who have never been here before. For instance, we all take for granted the rudeness of our city's taxi drivers. But to a first-time visitor, that rudeness could be very offensive to the point of shocking. That reminds me that I wish Mayor Bloomberg would insist that all taxi drivers here must each year successfully complete a New York Hospitality course in order to continue working as taxi drivers here. If our taxi drivers were friendlier, we would get a lot more visitors to New York every year."

----"With all the New Yorkers who try to commit suicide by jumping from bridges in our city, I have never once seen any book on that subject in our city's bookstores.  As a sociologist, I find that oversight by our city's bookstore owners to be very disappointing.  The type of non-fiction book I'd be looking for might be entitled: 'New York's Death-Defying Bridge-Leapers'. Another possibility that comes to mind is: 'Leaps of Non-Faith: A Recent History of Distraught Bridge-Jumpers of New York City'. It is likely that NYPD has even developed a profile of the flying bridge-leapers of New York that cites particular demographic traits most likely to be found in a flying bridge-leaper here."


----"Personally, I am always hoping that some philanthropist here will establish a new non-profit  counseling program designed to exclusively help New Yorkers who have a proven history of leaping from either bridges or buildings or subway station platforms here.  That type of counseling service could be publicly identified as: 'Leaping Forward' or 'Life Beyond the Leap' or 'No More Fatal Leaps, Please'."

----"The flying leap suicide is so deeply embedded in the psyche of all New Yorkers that I'm surprised I haven't seen a menu item in any of the restaurants here that is named 'Flying Leap Fudge' or 'Flying Leap Salad', or 'Flying Leap Flambee', or something along those lines."

---"It's important to distinguish between suicide attempts in New York that feature a flying leap, and all other types of suicide attempts here---the pill-overdosers, for instance. I think every New Yorker in the back of his mind recalls the many stock market brokers who jumped from upper-level floors of buildings after the stock market crashed in 1929. When New Yorkers take a flying leap, they're paying a subconscious tribute to that very dramatic time period here. The flying leap  carries with it a certain undeniable New York authenticity, and so many New Yorkers are determined to be authentically New York at all times, even when they drop dead on a whim. Flying leaps from buildings or bridges are to New Yorkers what self-generated disembowelments are to Japanese men who experienced humiliation and later commit suicide. Personally, I tend to look at flying leapers of New York as persons who could have exceled at diving into a swimming pool, if only they had learned to jump above a pool of water deep enough and safe enough to handle them."

---"To me, the flying leap suicides of New York City are a breed apart from all other New Yorkers who attempt to commit suicide. I'm struck by the sheer athleticism of the flying leap, as if the flying leap somehow signifies that the individual jumping off of a building or bridge here wanted to make a statement to the entire world about his having lots of athletic talent. I don't think the flying leapers devote enough thought to the question of whether their flying leap is, in fact, a true athletic accomplishment. All they have to do is jump, and I frankly don't see any athletic talent being revealed by a jump of that type. And besides, even if you can sense some athletic talent in the guy jumping off a building here, you also know all along that no talent scout for any pro football team is going to contact the guy and attempt to recruit him after the fact."

----"There's a certain bold machismo to the Flying Leap Suicides of New York. Maybe they were hoping to be cited by name in a special public monument here honoring each of the flying leapers who dove to their death from a building or bridge in New York City. Or maybe they were hoping that some Hollywood movie director would highlight their life story after the fact, so to speak, so they might earn a posthumous award that way as a 'ghost author' of the script for that movie---no pun intended. But why would anyone want a posthumous award, when pre-humous awards are much more enjoyable. Now I'm trying to recall if I have ever seen the word
 'pre-humous' in 'The New York Times' newspaper. I don't believe that I have. Maybe I should submit that proposed new word to some dictionary editor and ask him if he'll add it to his next edition of that dictionary. I'd love to be able to boast that I invented a new word for the English language."

---"I have stopped identifying anyone here as strange. Whenever I complain to a friend of mine that I just met the strangest guy I've ever met here in New York, I find one week later that I have to retract that statement. I am constantly having to admit to a friend of mine that the guy I had cited one week ago as the absolute strangest of all time was, in fact, only mildly strange, in retrospect, when compared with the most recent '100 Percent Strange to the Point of Deranged New Yorker' whom I met this most recent week. If I ever do write a non-fiction book profiling the '50 Strangest New Yorkers of All Time', I would have to constantly be revising and updating that book to reflect my most recent and fully up-to-date ranking, as of this very moment, of the 50 New Yorkers who stand out as the all-time strangest in this city's entire history."


---"Personally, I don't think Alice is being fair to her 10-year-old son Kirk when she tells him that he's already as tall as Mayor LaGuardia was, so her son has no excuses for his own failure to achieve greatness here at his own current height. It makes me wonder, in fact, how many of our city's mothers are citing Mayor LaGuardia as a weapon for verbally abusing their sons."


----"I have always wondered what Mayor LaGuardia's occupation was before he got elected Mayor of New York. What we desperately need here is an annually updated 'Miscellaneous Facts about New York City Almanac' or online database of that type that I could consult at any hour of the day. As a New York City native, it would mean a lot to me to learn that Mayor LaGuardia was the owner of an Italian restaurant here before he entered politics. It's a nice colorful detail about him, assuming it's true, that makes his accomplishments in government all the more impressive."


-----"True democracy in New York would be overwhelming to the point of impossible. If everyone in this entire city contacted the Mayor's office and requested a 10-minute meeting with Mayor Bllomberg, our Mayor would be spending the rest of his life holding 10-minute meetings with his constituents.  The only thing that would spare Mayor Bloomberg from doing those meetings for the rest of his life would be the simple fact that his term of office would end in the middle of his 7,000th meeting with a constituent."


----"New York is one city where umbrella fashion counts a lot. So many of us judge other New Yorkers by their taste in umbrella fashion---and after all, when it's raining here about all you are seeing of the other New Yorkers is the umbrella they are holding as they rush to their workplace or rush to the subway or rush to a restaurant during their lunch break. Personally, I dislike all-black umbrellas. They are too funereal for my tastes. But I'd be the first to agree that many of the alternative styles are way too gaudy for my tastes. Only a tiny percentage of New Yorkers would earn my admiration for their fine sense of umbrella fashion."


----"I don't consider it too personal or intimate if I ask a complete stranger sitting next to me on the subway to please tell me which brand of cologne he is wearing. As a New Yorker, I am always trying to improve my own body scent by finding an even better cologne than the one I currently use. I need all the help I can get if I want to develop a romantic life here. Anytime I smile at a young lady at this city, I'm always aware that there are thousands of New York single men competing with me for the opportunity to land a date with her. The competition in my romantic life here is even more cut-throat and intense than the competition in my career life is."


-----"Whenever I board the subway here, I always think of that famous Hollywood movie in which Robert DeNiro falls in love with Meryl Streep after meeting her for the first time ever on a subway car here. This is one of the reasons why I try not to concentrate too hard when I read the newspaper on the subway. I want to always give myself the opportunity to glance away from my newspaper and attempt to decide which other passenger within view of me might be the most likely to elicit love at first sight from me. Then if we do get married someday, I'll make a point of inviting Robert DeNiro and Meryl Streep to our wedding. I'll ask Robert DeNiro to be my Best Man, and Meryl Streep can be the Bride's Maid. That's the least that my new bride and I can do to thank Hollywood for serving as our match-maker. It's really ironic, too, since I used to associate Robert DeNiro with the mob based on his previous Hollywood movies. Until I saw that subway romance movie, I would never have thought of asking Robert DeNiro to be my best man at a wedding. He was always a brutal Scar Face Mafia thug to me, unless I'm thinking of Al Pacino instead. I don't know why I get those two mixed up, maybe I should get photos of each of them and spend an hour staring at those two photos until I decide which of the two Italian-American guys made love to Meryl Streep in a Hollywood movie.  In a way it's surprising that I would have difficulty deciding if that love scene featured DeNiro or Pacino. It's not like they are Italian-American twins,  and no one has ever told me that they are related to each other as cousins. I don't even know for a fact that they hang out in the same Italian restaurants, or even that they like the same dishes when they dine out in Italian restaurants!"

---"The store clerk at the supermarket who said 'Thank you, Man' to me this afternoon brought out a sarcastic streak in me. I snapped back at him that I appreciate his confirming two things for me about myself: that I am a biological male person possessing a penis and manly hair on my chest, and that I am age 18 or older. According to state law in New York my being age 18 or older means that I technically qualify as a legal-status adult and should no longer be addressed as 'Boy' for that reason. I then added that in the future I would prefer that the store clerk please address me as 'Sir.' I expect to be knighted by Queen Elizabeth II in the very near future, I told the store clerk, so I need to rehearse for that royal-ceremony in England by asking all the store clerks I encounter here in Manhattan to please address me as 'Sir'."


----"I'm hoping to get invited to an Umbrella Fashion Show here in New York. To me, umbrella fashion is one of the leading fashion statements that we New Yorkers make about ourselves, since the umbrellas are visible to everyone else within 100 yards of where I'm standing. My own umbrella is purple in color, since I've always identified with royalty and purple is a royal color, from what I've been told."


----"My friend Freddy is a great entrepeneur, and he is in the process of developing a special snow umbrella for New Yorkers that is designed to handle snowfall and snowstorms better than regular umbrellas do. Freddy told me not to tell anyone else about his great invention idea, since he plans to get it patented and he doesn't want anyone to beat him out on that. I think most New Yorkers are very much that way: we all have an idea for  potentially patented item in our minds at all times, and we're always terrified by the possibility that some other New Yorker will somehow find a way to read our mind, then rush down to the patent office with that idea they had stolen from our own brain."

----"Sue is so militant about her feminism that she says she plans to organize a petition to change the name of  Madison Square Garden to 'Dolly and James Madison Square Garden'. To me, Sue's idea is ridiculous. But Sue maintains that Dolly's  first name has to be included in that public facility's name, or it will reek of sexism, she says."


----"As a mother here in Manhattan, I wish I could convince all of our city's news media to please include in their crime news stories the following statement, when applicable: 'He was reportedly under the influence of marijuana at the time when he allegedly committed that felony crime'. I want my 15-year-old son Joe to see and hear that very pertinent information on a year-round basis. Lately Joe has been arguing with me during our dinnertime discussions by declaring very loudly that marijuana does not play any role in any of the violent crimes or any other felony crimes that occur in New York City! Joe claims that marijuana has a well-known mellowing effect on whoever consumes it, so that any and all New Yorkers who are high on marijuana would never commit a violent crime or felony crime of any type, Joe says. I keep telling Joe that he is completely incorrect! But unfortunately, the news media reports here in New York don't back me up on that.  The media here seem to shy away from giving any bad PR to marijuana, which is very frustrating to me as a Manhattan mother! I will be outraged if my son Joe turns into a pothead because our local news media failed to adequately warn Joe about the harmful effects of marijuana! And I'll be doubly outraged if I ever learn that 10 percent or more of all the news media professionals in New York City are themselves potheads! It's obvious that pothead reporters and pothead editors will NEVER be willing to pursue a story exposing the harmful effects of marijuana!"


----"I'm planning to celebrate St. Patrick's Day in an Irish-style restaurant here in New York. I think I know what the entree options will be, but I have no idea what the Irish dessert menu consists of. In my entire life, and I'm part Irish in ancestry, I've never once eaten or seen an Irish dessert. Do you think they serve cloverleaf-shaped mini-cakes that are dyed green? Actually, come to think of it, they may well offer Potato Cookies as a dessert item, since the potato seems to figure prominently in every part of the Irish menu plan. I have never eaten a Potato Cookie before, so that will be a first for me."


----"If I ever do take a plane flight from Kennedy International Airport to Dublin for a vacation, the first thing I'll want to look for over there is their giant 'In Praise of The Potato' public monument. I'm just assuming they have one, since everyone knows that Irish people are the most potato-crazy nationality in the entire world. I can't imagine any other nation in the entire world that would feature a massive potato-shaped public statue specifically honoring the potato and its contributions to the cultural and economic and religious life of that entire nation. Which reminds me that I will have to visit a bookstore in Dublin and purchase a biography there on the Irishman named 'Russet' who developed the Russet Potato. It's odd that his first name is never cited, but his last name is very famous. I'm hopeful that the public statue in Dublin that honors Mr. Russet will tell me exactly how old he was when he developed that great new potato for the entire world."

----"Personally, I find St. Patrick's Day depressing because it reminds me of yet another benevolent person who was unfairly persecuted and martyred. He turned into a saint of the Roman Catholic Church only after he was martyred. As a New Yorker, I know what it's like to be unfairly persecuted by others, and I'm always striving to avoid the grim fate of martyrdom in this city. That's one of my top 10 goals, any day of the year here. I have no desire to die before age 100, and I have no desire to be honored posthumously. I want all my awards to be PRE-humous, if you will. Posthumous awards offend me greatly, since they don't give me the opportunity to deliver an acceptance speech at an awards banquet. Nor could I get to enjoy the delicious food at the awards banquet if I'm lying unconscious and lifeless in a coffin somewhere."


----"I don't consider it arrogant for Sandra in her will to refuse to have her body cremated after she dies. She is definitely one of the greatest VIPs here in New York, and she knows that many people of the future here will find it inspirational to visit Sandra's tombstone and read about her life after she's been buried the conventional method. I personally feel that Sandra is actually being very generous and empathetic toward future generations when she insists on a conventional burial for herself after she dies 50 or 60 years from now. Sandra knows that many of her leading admirers will be New Yorkers of the 22nd Century and beyond. And many of those admirers will be willing to pay good money in the year 2063, say, to have Sandra's corpse exhumed for a very thorough and truly comprehensive and factually authoritative posthumous medical examination of Sandraa's entire body and all of her internal organs.  Results from that posthumous medical exam should serve as a very effective refutation of NYPD's repeated public stand in recent months that Sandra was never victimized by crime on any occasion in her entire life."

----"I have made it clear to all of my relatives, and to the cited administrator of my estate, that under no circumstances will I permit my own body to ever be cremated after I die. My will also specifically provides full funding for comprehensive posthumous investigation by a first-rate forensic medical team of any and all sources of foul play that might have accounted for tissue damage, nerve damage, damage to my circulatory system and bloodstream, damage to my heart and brain, and damage to my arms and legs and eyes and spinal column that that forensic medical team identifies. After I die and NYPD true to form fails to arrest anyone and charge them with homicide, I am demanding a full and complete expose of each of the relatives of mine and former acquaintances of mine and so-called friends of mine and Mafia organizations and marijuana-madness freaks and hippies and militant minority extremists and ideological enemies of mine and outrageously unethical and injurious media companies and sinister Satanic religious groups and vicious atheist groups or anarchist groups and corrupt government institutions or agencies, who each played a role in my having been robbed of my full and natural and fully vital medical lifespan and creative longevity. On behalf of that very thorough expose, my will also states that my own body must be exhumed on an annual basis and be thoroughly examined by impartial forensic medical researchers once every 12 months until any and all suspects have been identified and formally charged with a felony crime in connection with my own premature death by homicide."

----"I have so many enemies here in New York that I have had my will rewritten to include a 'Foul Play Clause'. That 'Foul Play Clause' provides for a $100,000 reward to each and every medical researcher or investigative reporter or private investigator or government investigator or civic group or vigilant private citizen, regardless of who that might be, who contributes factual information to NYPD or the Manhattan District Attorney or the FBI that leads to the arrest and conviction of at least one additional suspect for having played a role in the truly outrageous and heinous murder of myself. I am one of the very best and most benevolent people that New York City has ever had, and I am very determined to  emphatically and in a law-abiding manner punish anyone---even if I have to do that on a posthumous basis----who played any role in robbing me of my own full and fully vital medical longevity and lifespan. My mother and grandfather died in their mid-80s. Any lifespan for me that is less than 85 is an automatic basis for a full criminal-law investigation and first-degee homicide charges being filed on my own behalf!"

----"As many Hollywood stars who live in New York City, I was very surprised to learn that there is no counterpart here to that famous theater in Beverly Hills or Hollywood, California, I forget which, where great Hollywood actors and actresses get their footprint or handprint permanently displayed outdoors on the sidewalk. Something like that here could help boost our city's tourism business, and God knows we need all the additional tourism we can get here in Manhattan!"


----"I find it galling that that visitor from Kansas says New York City, New York, should become an official Sister City to Manhattan, Kansas! The similarities between Manhattan, New York, and Manhattan, Kansas, are virtually nonexistent!"


----"I would love to host a party exclusively honoring five or 10 of my favorite actors here in New York. The whole purpose of the party would be to identify which of those actors sound articulate and philosophically wise and authentically human when they are not reciting a memorized line that some scriptwriter had provided to them. The high point of that party will be the moment when I as the party host offer an award and cash prize to the 'Most Impressive Off-Duty Actor' or 'Most Impressive Impromptu-Speaking Actor' or 'Most Impressive Human Being Actor', based on how they express themselves off-duty and in person when their lines were not provided to them in advance."


----"Personally, I would like to see an annual award and cash prize to the Broadway actors who most successfully portray an enlightened and benevolent mother or father on stage here in New York. I don't claim to be a successful mother myself, so I want my 8-year-old son, Paul, to accompany me to a Broadway theater performance that offers him the inspirationally wise and loving mother figure he has a great need for.  To me, that's one way in which I can compensate for my own shortcomings as a mother---by introducing Paul to truly outstanding mother figures on stage. Then after the play, I can help Paul get a friendly autographed message from that mother figure actress. I feel sure that with help from inspirational Broadway actresses, I can reduce the risk of Paul turning into a juvenile delinquent."


----"You know it's odd that I have never met the top manager at Macy's, as many times as I shop there. You would think that after the 1,000th occasion in which I have purchased perfume or some other crucial item at Macy's Department Store here in Manhattan, a loud bell would go off and the top manager in that entire store would suddenly rush up to me to congratulate me in person for my 1,000th purchase as a Macy's customer! I don't know what I'd say, I'd probably ask them for their autograph, since my 10-year-old daughter collects autographs of famous New Yorkers. My daughter would be thrilled to add that to her collection."


----"New York is famous for being the home state of the most prestigious handicapped man in all of world history. That was Franklin Delano Roosevelt, of course. Maybe there should be a Handicapped Greats Hall of Fame somewhere in upstate New York, and FDR could be the very first exhibit in that museum. That reminds me that polio still exists, even today, and I've got to ask my doctor under which circumstances I would need to get innoculated against polio. That's one of the overlooked advantages about being a New Yorker: you are always thinking ahead in order to avert a worst-case future scenario for yourself."


-----"I find it sad how few New Yorkers ever visit Mount Rushmore in order to see FDR up close. For some reason, South Dakota almost never gets cited as a favorite destination of New Yorkers. Maybe most of us are content to simply look at a photo of FDR's profile at Mount Rushmore."


----"I think every New Yorker can identify with the Easter Season, regardless of whether we are Christian. We would all like to see the dilapidated ghetto sections of New York get resurrected through urban renewal projects that put a new face on them. That's about as close to sounding like a Christian that I myself will ever get, and it's strictly in the context of the urban renewal theme."


----"Whenever I enter Sylvia's home in Manhattan, the first thing I face is a sign on display in her foyer that declares, 'THIS HOME HAS GONE 111 DAYS WITHOUT A BREAK-IN!'. I can't decide if I find that message inspirational or depressing. I try to avoid asking the obvious follow-up question, 'So what happened 111 days ago?', because I don't want to cause Sylvia's smile to collapse after she had just greeted me with a very gracious display of Northern Hospitality."


----"My friend Sam works for NYPD, so I thought I would call Papa John's pizza and ask them to deliver him a nice pizza for lunch this Friday at NYPD headquarters. But then it crossed my mind that the deliveryman for Papa John's would have to pass all kinds of security clearances at NYPD headquarters before he could hand that pizza to Sam at Sam's desk, and by the time Sam is actually handed that pizza, it would be cold and unappetizing. I guess that's one of those downsides to being a police officer here in New York: You can never get a temperature-hot delivered dish from any restaurant."


----"To me, one of the lowest points I have ever experienced as a New Yorker was the day I attended church service here and I observed another member of my congregation actually removing money from the collection plate that had been intended for our pastor. I was tempted to raise my hand and announce to the entire congregation that I had just observed an example of a Satanic force within our own church. But then I decided it would cause so much of an uproar that it would be better to remain silent. So instead I waited until after the church service had ended to approach the pastor and discreetly report the theft of the pastor's money by a member of his own congregation. The pastor very politely thanked me for that report, and said that he planned to mention that theft incident in his next sermon. I told the pastor that's fine with me, as long as he doesn't cite me by name as the one who snitched on another member of our congregation. A lot of the other members would inflict holy hell on me if they ever suspected me of snitching on them!"

---"I think every New Yorker secretly fears that the biggest gorilla in the entire Bronx Zoo will somehow escape from that zoo and head straight for Manhattan. It will all be like watching the horror movie 'King Kong', and any and all pedestrians in Manhattan will be shouting with hysteria that we need a hero from the movie 'King Kong' to suddenly appear and save everyone.  Unfortunately, though, most of us don't recall who the hero in 'King Kong' was, so it would be very difficult for our city to quickly respond to that terrifying monster. Maybe we should all carry a 'New York City Almanac' in our pockets at all times, in order to answer questions like that and save lots of  lives."

---"I think every New Yorker is always aware of having an urgent need to add recent photos of himself to his computer's photo images collection. We New Yorkers do that for personal survival reasons. We figure that if we get kidnapped by a criminal person, the FBI will need those photos of ourselves to find us and rescue us from the kidnapper."


----"There's nothing vain about getting yourself photographed on a frequent basis here in New York. Every New Yorker has to have as many recent photos of himself as possible, since he knows that NYPD someday will ask for those photo IDs in order to then rescue that New Yorker from his kidnapper."


----"Personally, I would like to see a New York Hobbyist of the Year Award. That would help me to remind my 8-year-old son to take his hobbies and pastimes very seriously. Then someday he might even get honored at a banquet here as New York Hobbyist of the Year."

---"I'm planning to establish a 'Put Your DNA on File with NYPD ASAP' service here in the very near future. For a very reasonable fee of less than $5,000, I will guarantee each New York household  the chance to have all of their household members' DNAs on permanent record with a law-enforcement agency, in the event that one of their household members ever gets kidnapped or runs away from home or mysteriously vanishes. That DNA on file will make it much easier for the FBI to then track them down. I am not currently including pets' DNA samples in the package deal, since I don't believe that any law-enforcement agency currently works with pet animals' DNA samples."


----"To me, New York City has two classes of  people: the convicts and the pre-convicts. I never look upon anyone I meet here as innocent. Innocence is not something you will ever find in New York. It pays to be suspicious of everyone you encounter here. Even your love notes here should be carefully worded, since they might take advantage of you if you offer them too much."