Wit and Wisdom of New Yorkers, Part XI

Comments among New Yorkers that I feel sure I would have overheard at public places had I continued to reside in New York City, New York, ever since 1986, include:


---"Personally, I feel that our Governor up there in Albany should release to our news media every day on a year-round basis the daily menu plan for the Governor's official residence. As a taxpaying New Yorker, I want to know exactly which dishes and beverages the Governor and his wife are choosing to eat and drink for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day. To me, that's the least they can offer me in the way of accountability from up there in Albany. I want to make sure that they are showing financial restraint, including in their eating habits. For instance, I don't see any need for our Governor to ever serve caviar to anyone. It's too expensive, from a taxpayer's standpoint."


----"Myself, I could care less about whether our Governor in Albany shows financial restraint in his gubernatorial kitchen and dining room. I'm a gourmet-dining New Yorker, and I want to see our Governor publicizing gourmet foods and beverages as much as possible. In fact, if I like as many as 50 percent of his menu choices, which is a very high percentage since I'm somewhat of a culinary snob myself, I might even vote to re-elect our Governor at some future date."


----"To me, the primary advantage from our Governor releasing to the news media his daily menu plan for his official residence is nutrition education. Think of all the New Yorkers who don't pursue a well-balanced diet. If we had our Governor publicizing the fact that he pursues a well-balanced diet up there in Albany, this could remind millions of New Yorkers to do likewise in their own home. It could virtually eliminate malnutrition overnight, since our Governor is the primary opinion leader and educator for our entire state."


---"One of the questions I've always wondered about is whether the Governor of New York has a special hotline that connects him with the Mayor of New York City at all times of the day and night. Personally, I feel that a hotline service of that type could be a life-saver. The relationship between the Governor and the Mayor is a bit like the relationship between the President of the United States and the head of state in Russia, the primary difference being that there's no risk of Albany nuking New York City, or vice versa."

----"I always dread those years when none of our New York pro athletic teams wins the world championship in any sport. Whenever that happens, everyone here in Manhattan seems to get irritable about five times more often on a daily basis. I'm sure our homicide rate increases, too, whenever we have a tragic situation in which none of our pro athletic squads earns the 'best in the world' title. It would not surprise me, in fact, if some defense attorney here in Manhattan has used the 'We Didn't Win Best in the World in Pro Baseball' defense for explaining why his client went deranged and turned violent a matter of hours after learning that the New York Yankees had been eliminated from the playoffs that year."


----"As a furniture salesman here in New York, I love Valentine's Day primarily because it gives me a great gimmick for selling love seats. Typically what I'll emphasize to younger couples is that the very idea of going through an entire Valentine's Day without having a love seat for two in their own home is unthinkable to the point of outrageous. I have sold as many as 200 love seats in the two-week period leading up to Valentine's Day."


----"Personally, I always feel like a complete ignoramus whenever my cousin and her husband from Pittsburgh ask me if I can recommend a live theater here in New York that is the best one for a Valentine's Day play-watching experience. I simply don't know which live theater here is the 'most romantic' place for a married couple on Valentine's Day. Maybe if we had a live theater here named 'Valentine' or 'Valentino's', that would help me to remember which one to recommend to my cousin. I love a good mnemonic device, it helps me a lot whenever I get questions from my out-of-town relatives who all expect me to be an expert on New York."


-----"I keep expecting some Food Channel television crew to visit our Governor's residence up there in Albany and explore what's exciting in the gubernatorial kitchen these days. It might be fun to watch a show like that, particularly since I don't recall off-hand the name of the current head chef for our Governor up there in Albany."


----"One of my neighbor's favorite jokes is that Albany, New York, and the European nation of Albania have a lot in common. His punch line is that they are both spelled nearly identically, so that proves his point. My response to my neighbor is that he has an urgent need to enroll in a drug-treatment program, once he's finally figured out which drug he's addicted to.  In fact, I can't recall the last occasion when I thought to myself, 'Gee, my next-door neighbor is actually sober and talking rationally today.' My always-high neighbor habitually comments to me that he expects fo find an Albanian restaurant the next time he visits our capital city of Albany. So I keep telling him that there would not be any demand for an Albanian restaurant in Albany,  since  the percentage of New Yorkers of Albanian ancestry is probably far less than 1 percent. Our conversations always end in a stalemate, since neither of us is willing to concede defeat on that point."


---"My girlfriend is an architecture fanatic, so I promised her that I would take her to a heart-shaped building on Valentine's Day. To her, nothing could be more romantic than to dine in a building in Manhattan that is shaped like a giant human heart. My only worry is that maybe I won't find any building here that meets my girlfriend's specifications. Maybe I could do a Google search for a store selling a heart-shaped bed as an alternative.  That might help my girlfriend to overcome her disappointment if I don't find her a heart-shaped building here in Manhattan."


---"My friend  Paul always argues with everyone about which of the television chefs is the best. He keeps saying that Chef Ramsey is his all-time favorite. But a lot of New Yorkers strongly disagree with Paul, and it turns into quite a violent debate every time. Personally, my own response is to ask my friend Paul which of the television chefs has actually inspired Paul to improve Paul's own cooking style inside Paul's own kitchen? Paul invariably replies that he himself does not cook, but he's hoping that five years from now, all that 'Food Channel' television watching he's doing will eventually help Paul to learn how to boil his first-ever egg. So the truth is that Paul is like a kindergartner in the kitchen, and the chefs he professes to have strong opinions about are all PhDs in culinary science. I have lost a lot of respect for Paul, ever since he turned into a Food Channel groupie who never actually cooks in his own kitchen."

----"My friend Gigi is so particular about what she eats that when I recently treated her to a meal in a favorite restaurant of mine in Manhattan, Gigi expressed astonishment to our waitress that the restaurant did not offer any heart-healthy margarine containing plant sterols as an accompaniment to the complimentary bread served there. Then Gigi launched into a fanatical speech right in front of our waitress about how crucial it is to eat heart-healthy margarine containing plant sterols, if you want to avoid having a heart attack here in New York. Our waitress seemed to be very embarrassed by Gigi's outburst, so I apologized to our waitress on Gigi's behalf.  I politely emphasized to our waitress that Gigi has never been able to forgive New York for being the city where her father died of a heart attack at age 45, which accounts for Gigi's zeal on behalf of her 'plant sterols in margarine' crusade. Then I made a point of tipping our waitress 30 percent, in the hope that she won't complain to the manager about our party. I value being able to dine there in the future."


----"Wouldn't it be great if Mayor Bloomberg would insist that all of the buttered popcorn being sold in movie theaters here must contain a heart-healthy melted margarine  that's low in saturated fat and contains plant sterols designed to prevent cholesterol buildup."


----"I find it tragic that the primary theme for Oral History Interviews of New Yorkers these days seems to be their various bizarre tattoos emblazoned on their body and why they chose each of those tattoos for themselves. Can you imagine how vomit-inducing and depressing it would be to attend a factual documentary movie here that exclusively features videotaped oral-history interviews of 30 different New Yorkers talking about their own tattoos and body piercings on their own bodies and what each of those tattoos and body piercings signify, according to each of those New Yorkers."


----"Whenever I try to discuss philosophy with other New Yorkers these days, they invariably volunteer that they regard the tattoos on their own bodies as the most  profound philosophical statements they are making to the world. They claim their tattoos are the deepest and most educationally-substantative intellectual property that they own. I find that pathetic and very tragic!"


----"I recently attended a college philosophy class here in New York, only to find that the professor turned the entire class session over to the students. The instructor asked each of the students to take turns standing in front of the entire class and showing each and every one of their own body piercings and tattoos to all of their classmates, regardless of whether the body piercings or tattoos were located on or near the breasts or genitals or buttocks or belly button of the student making that presentation. Each student as part of his presentation before the class also explained the deeper philosophical meaning behind each of the body piercings and tattoos that he pointed to on his own body. I found that class session obscenely and scatologically unenlightening and revolting, and I told the instructor so in very blunt terms. He responded by warning me that I am at risk of myself getting expelled from City University of New York, if I ever again talk to a professor there in a disrespectful manner like that."


----"Theodore is an American History scholar at Columbia who's very obsessed with his academic specialty. When he recently told me had an urgent need to rent a canoe, Theodore offered me a very odd explanation for that latest whim of his. He told me he is fascinated by the 19th Century United States Presidential campaign that featured the nationally-publicized slogan, 'Tippecanoe and Tyler Too.' Theodore added that he thought it would be great fun to rent a canoe here in New York City and replicate what it was like to dwell in 19th Century America while pondering the significance of canoes in a Presidential campaign of that period. I happen to regard Theodore as a bit on the solipsistic side, but everyone else is more blunt about it.  They say he's very strange. Personally, I'm always relieved whenever Theodore volunteers a statement to me indicating he is possibly aware that he currently dwells in 21st Century America. That shows he has some degree of interest in the world of today, however boring and insipid our 21st Century world may seem to him."

---"When I moved to New York in the 1970s, I thought of this entire state as being a one-river state. I guess I was naive that way, but the only river out of New York I had ever heard of was the Hudson.  Today, I'm much more sophisticated and knowledgeable. I could probably pass a multiple-choice test on New York State's rivers and lakes, provided that you give me the correct answer as one of the options for each and every question in that test."


----"Personally, I make a distinction between the famous New Yorkers who are directly contacted by a book publisher asking them to write their memoirs ASAP, and the famous New Yorkers who never get that kind of phone call request from a book publisher. I can't decide which is better. The retirement income from writing your memoirs would be nice. But would you really want to spend your retirement years slaving over a tedious book-writing project?"


----"One of the fun facts about New York City I have never learned is the best site in all of New York for directly observing the sunsets and sunrises outdoors. I've lived here for five years, but no one has ever told me they wanted me to accompany them on an outing to directly savor the finest sunsets and sunrises in New York City of today. You would think that the longtime residents would want to share that special pleasure with relative newcomers such as myself.."


---"So tell me, which museum in New York City charges the highest admission price? When I finally do turn into a billionaire here someday, I'll make a point of visiting that museum at least twice per year. Getting credit for being a cultured gentleman is very important here."

----"My sister is so earnest about her life that she recently purchased a guidebook on how to pursue a completely celibate lifestyle as a New York single woman. She spent $20 on that guidebook, and I asked her which chapter in the guidebook had been the most useful to her. She replied that she especially liked the chapter on how to avoid landing a romantic date in New York City.  She is wearing a lot more pantsuits these days, since she read in the guidebook that if the men of New York see her in a pantsuit, they are less likely to ask her out on a hot date. Her legs are completely concealed by that style of fashionwear, which makes it all the harder for the single men of New York to undress her in their imagination. Her pantsuits give her an asexual image, according to my sister. My reply to that is that many of the single men of New York are sexual maniacs. If they see my sister in a pantsuit, they will merely interpret that as my sister playing it coy and hard to get, when she's actually inviting them play Casanova with her, according to these oversexed bachelors of New York City."


----"So tell me, which food or beverage do you see on the menu of this Manhattan restaurant that reminds you of President Obama or First Lady Michelle Obama?"


----"My nephew is such a New York chauvinist that when he recently got hired to deliver pizzas to Manhattan  households, my nephew refused to deliver any pizza that was labeled as Chicago style. He said it would be degrading to him as a New Yorker to deliver any Chicago-style pizza to anyone."


----"My eight-year-old son, Peter, recently embarrased me at the dinner table by asking me to please explain why Lake Erie is a great lake. My reply to Peter was that the term 'Great Lakes' is merely a figure of speech. It does not guarantee that any of the lakes in that group are actually great. If you asked me what makes Lake Eerie great, I would have to admit that I don't know the answer to that question. There is probably a Lake Eerie Tourism Bureau, though, that could provide me with a nice reply to that type of question."


----"My 9-year-old son, Eric, recently asked the funniest question at the dinner table. He asked me to please explain why Lake Eerie is called that. Eric added that iu his opinion, they should have just called it 'Lake Odd' instead."

----"That man over there is an expert on sociolinguistics, and he maintains that New York City residents are 10 times more likely to verbalize misanthropic words in their leisuretime conversations than they are to verbalize philanthropic words. I can't wait until his book on that subject gets published. It will be a best seller here, for sure."


----"You would expect to find the finest sociolinguistics research institute in the entire world here in New York City, since our city offers the greatest variety of raw material in the entire world for that topic area. So why is it that I myself have never heard of any top-ranked sociolinguistics research program here in New York? Is it because our city's cultural and educational leaders are somehow blind to our city's greatest areas of potential cultural and intellectual strength?"


---"My 12-year-old daughter, Anna, delighted me the other day. She told me she is studying about liberty and democracy in public school here, so she would like me to buy for her a miniature version of  our city's Statue of Liberty. Anna plans to keep her miniature statue on display inside her bedroom at all times. Annna says she feels very sure that she'll earn better grades in her social studies classes if she has the Statue of Liberty presiding over all her homework pursuits whenever she sits at her desk inside her bedroom."