THE EVER-QUOTABLE CANDOR OF NEW YORKERS: A JANUARY 2021 IMAGINARY EAVESDROPPER'S REPORT FROM MANHATTAN

 

---"I realize it would be good for our economy here if I bought a Cadillac. It's great that the Cadillac headquarters is located here. But I can't buy a Cadillac unless the fuel efficiency is high enough for me. Maybe I should call Consumer Reports and ask them if there's any model of Cadillac they recommend for fuel efficiency."

---"I'm very relieved that when Trump vacates the White House, he'll be moving to Florida. He'll be a lot safer there than in New York, based on what my neighbors say about him. I am still recovering from that tragic news story about what happened to John Lennon here in New York, and we just couldn't handle another tragedy of that type here."

--"Personally, I'm dreading the banner headline on the front cover of the National Enquirer that enthusiastically welcomes Donald Trump back to Florida. 'New York's Loss is Florida's Gain!', the Enquirer headline might gleefully declare."

---"I wear a hat here more than I would if I lived somewhere else. I think hats can help to intimidate strangers who might be thugs. This has always been my primary reason for wearing a hat. It shows everyone I'm tough. You have to look tough in order to survive here."

---"This is one city where letting everyone know about your ancestry or political beliefs can be a big mistake. If I put that information online, I might be getting spied by several of the foreign embassies here. I think all of us here worry that one of the foreign embassies here will have a staff member who wants to spy on us or stalk us. The Russian embassy might try that, since I have told many people that I am appalled by a nation that poisons you if you disagree with the head of state."

--"Maybe I should take advantage of my ancestry by applying for a job at each of the countries where my ancestors came from. I could start at the British Embassy, then apply at the German embassy. When I apply for a job at the British Embassy, I'll play down the fact that I am one-fourth German in ancestry. If I apply for a job at the German Embassy, I'll emphasize that my grandmother in Iowa was very fluent in German and was all-German in ancestry. So this is how I can tailor my presentation in order to succeed during my job interviews at foreign embassies here."

--"If I land a job with the German Embassy here, some work supervisor of mine is always going to worry that I might share top-secret information I have access to there with the British Embassy or the U.S. Government. So if the German Government then charges me with treason for sharing confidential information about Germany with the British Government or the U.S. Government, the prosecuting attorney in Germany might allege that I had badly compromised the national security of Germany by what I did in their Embassy in New York! They might label me a traitor to Germany and try to extradite me to Germany on charges of treason against their government. If I claim as my defense that I'm an American citizen, that defense wouldn't save me from many years in prison there in Germany."

---"Personally, I'd like to work at the New York Public Library. It would be truly amazing to see people who actually read hardcover books in the year 2021. Reading books is quite distinct from reading and writing text messages on your cell phone. The public library is a true haven for the contemplative. It's an almost religious experience to be around people who find the time to actually turn pages in a real hardbound book."

---"I think one of the biggest mistakes here is to turn into a Foodie and lose interest in food for thought. I agree that New York Public Library is a good place for food for thought. No calories from reading about a favorite subject of yours at the library. I am fascinated by the theme of crime deterrence and when crime deterrence began in world history. Maybe I'll find a book here with a title such as, 'Global History of Crime Deterrence'."

--"I can only assume that crime deterrence began with the clubs that cavemen used to keep intruders out of their cavehome. I guess they didn't call it a cavehome, though, since the English language had not been invented yet during the Caveman Era."

--"You talk about crime deterrence so much that maybe Mayor de Blasio will honor you with a 'Crime Deterrence Contributor of the Year' plaque. Then after he hands you that gold plaque, some thug will grab it from you and run away as you're attempting to walk to the nearest subway station."

---"I would love to find out the percentage of the time each day when New Yorkers feel safe. I would estimate that I feel safe an average of 10 minutes per hour in this city. So one-sixth of my time here, I feel perfectly safe. That's a starting point, at least. I do admit, though, that feeling terrified 50 minutes per hour can be rough on me sometimes. Maybe I'll do some research to find the safest workplaces and the safest neighborhoods to live in here."

---"My idea of philanthropy is to join a group that tries to convince as many New Yorkers as possible to share a DNA swab from their cheek with NYPD. If the group I join is persuasive, this will help to reduce the crime rate. Anyone about to assault someone will suddenly recall that NYPD already has their DNA on file, and the odds are high that if they assault someone their DNA will remain at the crime scene so NYPD can solve the case in record time."

---"I can see why the guys on death row who went there because of a DNA match hate the inventor of DNA processing as a means of solving a crime case. 'Death by DNA Match', those death row inmates' T-shirts might as well proclaim. But they don't get to wear their own T-shirts in prison. They have to wear the uniform provided by the state prison where they're confined. The uniform they wear may even say, 'Death Row Inmate' on it, for all I know."

--"I should find out whether the Bronx Zoo has surveyed its patrons to find out the 10 favorite animals on display that their patrons have identified. Probably the kids' favorite 10 animals would be quite different from what the adult patrons choose for that honor. Children are more likely to favor an animal that looks huggable to them. Adults are more likely to evaluate an animal by whether it shows resourcefulness and intellect and is tidy. Parents see a tidy animal as setting a good example for their children. They can point to that animal and say, 'See, Harold, this animal is a nice role model for you. Maybe someday you'll be as neat and tidy as that animal is, if you work hard to raise your standards.'"

---"As many times as I have been to the Bronx Zoo, I have never met the Zoo Warden, assuming that is the title they use for him. Maybe it's 'Director of the Zoological Garden', which sounds a lot more impressive on a resume. 'Zoo Warden' suggests the animals on display have each been convicted of a crime and are in prison here. That would be very awkward, especially in this era when animal rights is emphasized a lot more than it used to be."

--"I tend to judge the animals on display at the zoo by the sounds they make. If it's a sound I'd like to tape and then listen to at home, this is the kind of animal I admire the most. I'm very auditory when it comes to evaluating animals here at the Zoo."