MORE FROM THE MYTHICAL NEW YORK SCENE: A SEMI-FICTIONAL REPORT ON WHAT NEW YORKERS MIGHT HAVE SAID, HAD I OVERHEARD THEM IN PERSON

 ---"I'm dreading the day when I wake up and hear the news on TV that one or both of the candidates for President have contracted the COVID-19 virus. That would be a major threat to our national security if something hellish like that were to happen. I would also dread getting the hourly news report updates from the news media about whether the prognosis for Trump or Biden is better than the most recent previous update on their chances of recovering fully. Each update would also feature an interview exploring whether the candidate's job performance in the White House could suffer, assuming they emerge from their medical crisis alive and able to return to work."

--"Maybe what Donald Trump needs is a spit suction device that one of his assistants could carry every time he and Trump are in public together. The minute that Presidential Assistant sees someone looking like they're about to release spit within 10 feet of Trump, the guy with the spit-suction device could aim it toward the would-be spitter."

--"If someone deliberately spits at President Trump when he is attending a public event, would that be classified by the media as an Assassination Attempt? Would the spitter potentially be charged with attempted homicide and put in prison for the rest of his life?"

--"Maybe there should be spittoons placed throughout the entire White House, to make sure that every visitor to the White House directs their spit in the right direction---downward, not upward. I am personally surprised that President Trump hasn't installed 50 spittoons in the White House as part of a saliva-containment strategy aimed at protecting the medical health of Donald Trump."

--"After this COVID crisis, if I attend a pro baseball game and see a pitcher throwing a spitball, I think I will start to vomit in the stands. Spitballs are terrifying to me these days. I try to stay as far away from spitballs as I possibly can."

--"I never thought I would crave a dog's saliva, but this COVID-19 crisis has me a bit that way. I actually enjoy being kissed by my pet poodle inside our home. I especially like knowing that there is no way in hell my poodle is going to infect me with COVID whenever she kisses me."

---"If President Trump and the First Lady were in public together and the President sees someone about to send some saliva toward them, do you honestly think Donald would rush to his wife's side in order to protect her from being hit by saliva? I am very sure he would focus on covering his own face, and would explain afterward to his wife that he had to protect the future of our country by saving his own face first, and that he had planned to then rush to her side and protect her face, too, but got distracted by a question from the news media."

---"I find it fascinating that Russia and China do not agree on who should be our next President. Most Americans assume that Russia and China agree on nearly every issue,  but that's of course naive. Russia wants Donald Trump, sometimes known as Donald Disaster, to win. China wants Joe Biden to win."

---"I think I would fail a pop quiz if a 'New York Times' editor approached me in Manhattan and asked me to quickly cite the name of the current head of state of China. But fortunately, no one from the 'Times' is going to quiz me on that subject---unless they're doing a sociological feature story exploring why it is that most New Yorkers are completely stumped when asked to cite the name of the current Chinese head of state. Many of them would fake knowledge by saying his name is Mao II."

---"It's odd how we all think we know Putin, but we couldn't even tell you what his favorite pastime is. Does he give his pet dog a walk around the Kremlin? I am completely stumped by that question."

---"Whenever I think about Putin, I am always haunted by his infamous comment in which he declared that Russian nuclear missiles could easily destroy the U.S. state of Florida. I find it very eerie that Putin has targeted certain states of the U.S. for nuclear annihilation. Maybe he had a bad experience during a vacation he and his wife took in Florida, and he is seeking revenge on Florida for that bad experience they had there."

---"One thing I will never do is drink any alcoholic beverage that has 'Putin' in the beverage's name. If someone offers me Putin Punch, I will reply that I value having a full and natural medical longevity in which I can write my memoirs at age 100. So no, I will NOT take even a tiny sip of Putin Punch, no matter WHO assures me that it's completely free of poison."

---"I think everyone feels some degree of social pressure to pursue at least one hobby or pastime that gives us a conversation topic with the Russians or Chinese, depending on which of the two invades and conquers the U.S. Maybe I could take up chess to prepare for a worst-case scenario in which the Russians invade New York. If I were good at chess, this could help to persuade the Russian invaders to spare my life."