A LABOR DAY IMAGINARY EAVESDROPPER'S REPORT FROM NEW YORK:

--"Labor Day is a very unpleasant and stressful day for me! It always reminds me that for the last several years I have been subjected against my wishes to unwanted communications from a labor union affiliated with the AFL-CIO! I have done everything I can to lawfully terminate those communications, but their labor union has chosen to turn a deaf ear to my complaints! Maybe I should contact President Trump and ask him how I can legally terminate that labor union's alleged harassment of me! Until that occurs, I will always resent labor unions for violating my own privacy rights! I am NOT a member of any labor union anywhere in the world, but they refuse to acknowledge that about me!"

--"Labor Day always reminds me that I hate Jimmy Hoffa! He is one of those infamous labor union thugs who gave a bad name to labor unions! I have nothing nice to say about him! And since he is no longer alive, he can't sue me for alleged slander!"

--"I think I'd have a heart attack if I were actually told to celebrate Labor Day by not doing anything! The very idea of a nationwide holiday dedicated to doing nothing at all is very offensive to me as a New Yorker!"

--"The only way I can  justify Labor Day weekend is if I use that time to strengthen my relationship with professional clients of mine in my business career. If I take time off for Labor Day weekend as a strictly-personal mini-vacation for me, this gives my competitors in the business world an unfair advantage over me."

--"Labor Day is the most confusing day of the year here! It's like some prankster is exposing the information to the entire world that I don't know what to do with myself on an actual holiday dedicated to sloth! I'm always completely beside myself and befuddled from sunup to sundown on Labor Day!"

---"To me, Labor Day in New York has always been a tragic misnomer. The correct name for this annual event in Manhattan should be 'LABOR VERY, VERY HARD AT ALL TIMES OR YOU'LL GET FIRED' DAY! We are expected to work harder than ever today, because of all the slave-driving VIP bosses here who conspire to work you to death on Labor Day! To me, the leading symbol of Labor Day is a whip and chain, since I'm obviously among the slave-driven workers of New York!"

--"I never get Labor Day off! My boss says this proves that our company values me---so much so they are willing to pay me time and a half today! So what am I going to do with that half part? Will it finance a free vacation trip to Iceland for me? The answer to that question is that only a half-brained idiot would conclude that the 'half' part added to my paycheck will put me on a planeflight to Rejkavik!"

--"I would like to spend the Labor Day weekend as a tourist in Iceland, but I hesitate whenever I try to imagine what it is like to actually eat Icelandic food inside their restaurants. I know I like the taste of Icelandic cod, but it's not as if I would want to eat cod for breakfast, lunch and dinner over there! And besides, I question whether the chefs in Iceland will be bold enough in their spicing of dishes! As a New Yorker, my credo for living is: 'The spicier, the better!' But I sense that Icelandic chefs's style in the kitchen might be too bland for my tastes!"

---"My blood pressure goes up on Labor Day, since it reminds me of all the tyrants I have known who were bosses of mine here in New York! While others are celebrating Labor Day by relaxing, I am taking frequent blood-pressure readings on myself to make sure that I can safely stay away from the emergency room today!"

--"I'm just like any other workaholic New Yorker. I am very uncomfortable about relaxing today, since my fear of going to hell increases if I relax today! My assumption has always been that if I labor hard every day of the year, I'm more likely to go to Heaven in my afterlife."

--"It's against my religion to celebrate a national holiday dedicated to taking it easy! That slogan is the exact opposite of how I lead my life as a New Yorker! I take pride in being uptight at all times, especially when the store clerk is counting my change inside a department store! I always make sure that every penny is accounted for before I even think of walking away!"

--"It's very anti-New York to even think of a day dedicated to being non-productive. Labor Day is the day when our citywide contribution to the national productivity index is so abysmally low that it's like our entire nation is determined today to make a complete mockery of economists and economic progress! This might as well be called National Economic Stagnation Alert Day!"

--"Personally, I interpret 'Labor Day' as an urgent message from my boss that he wants me to work harder than ever today, since I goof off too much every other day of the year, in his opinion. I can almost hear my boss shouting at me: 'LABOR HARD! THIS IS THE RIGHT DAY FOR YOU TO FINALLY PROVE TO ME THAT YOU KNOW HOW TO PUT IN ONE FULL DAY OF HONEST LABOR! IF YOU WANT TO HOLD ONTO YOUR JOB, YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST LABOR VERY, VERY HARD TODAY!"

--"If I were in charge of things, I would rename this as 'LABOR, LABOR, LABOR DAY'! This entire city is dedicated to the premise that if you work very hard 365 days a year, your paychecks when they are all lined up will somehow set you free!"

--"So why don't they just rename it as 'Relax Day'? But that would also be an impossibility here in New York. You can't do anything here without having your guard up. If I head for an Italian restaurant in Manhattan, the first thing I think of is that it makes sense for me to sit as close as possible to an EMERGENCY EXIT sign, in case a Mafia hit man enters the restaurant while I'm dining. I think every New Yorker has this worst-case-scenario-anticipation mindset in their head at all times, since this is the only way you can survive here."

--"When I first heard the term 'Labor Day', I as an Australian female immigrant just assumed it referred to the expectant mothers who go into labor here inside a hospital. Of course it's very noble what these pregnant women accomplish when they go into labor, and I am all for having a national holiday celebrating their day of labor in the hospital, and the beautiful babies who are produced by those labors!"

--"But we shouldn't overlook the hard work on Labor Day by the doctors and nurses who assist pregnant mothers who go into labor today inside local hospitals! To me, it would be pointless to celebrate Labor Day without also honoring the doctors and nurses who help our pregnant women to succeed when they go into labor here!"

--"Personally, when I hear someone talk about Labor Day, I think about all the corrupt labor union leaders we have had. Are we celebrating those corrupt labor union officials, or are we celebrating the honorable labor union members?"

--"The best thing about Labor Day this year is that maybe President Trump will agree not to subject anyone to any tweets that day. A day without tweets from Trump would definitely be quite a national holiday to celebrate!"