MORE FROM THE NEW YORK SCENE: A LATE AUGUST 2020 IMAGINARY EAVESDROPPER'S REPORT

 ---"You're so paranoid you think the newspaper is going to spit at you if you buy one at the newsstand here! Newspapers don't release moisture droplets! It's humans who do that! Or maybe you think the reporters whose names appear on the front page bylines will jump off the page of the Post as you read it and send unwanted saliva your way?"

---"I have never figured out how you became so successful here. You're the last person on this entire planet I would ever expect to be able to hold onto an apartment in Manhattan, much less a job. But I do give you credit for having a specialty that is lucrative. You are good at brainstorming, and you happened to find a company looking for an Idea Person. Maybe you should help create a non-profit  group here that's entitled American Idea Persons Professionals Association. You could nominate yourself for president of that group."

---"I can almost see you in a Dewar's Profile, declaring that you are founder of the American Idea Persons Professionals Association. But you don't drink alcohol, and someone who sees you in that profile might point out that you are an obvious mismatch to Dewar's. Maybe you should attempt to get photographed in an advertisement for Twining's Tea or Bigelow Tea. You would need to get some training on how to hold your tea cup, though. You need to look super-elegant as you sip tea. That's de rigeur if you plan to get paid as a model posing in a tea company advertisement."

---"You are one of the least suspicious people I see all day here in New York. That's high praise, since I run into dozens of people every day here. If you need a quote from me for your resume, I will be willing to let you quote me as saying that 'He is one of the least suspicious people I ever see here in New York.' It may be a bit of a backhanded compliment, but I just don't do the other kind of compliment. That would be too syrupy for me. I grew up in the Bronx, so when I praise someone I always do it backhanded-style."

--"I personally feel that any professional resume here in New York should feature at least three good professional-reference quotes from a widely respected businessman such as myself. If you can get a quote from me that says, 'He's a perfect match for New York: He's very savvy and so industrious I get fatigued thinking about it!', you are guaranteed of success here! New Yorkers love hyper-ambitious people who know how to aggressively promote themselves in very innovative ways! Your professional-reference quotes about yourself on your resume will be so wonderfully bold it will amaze everyone---like you just hit a Home Run at Yankee Stadium!"