MORE FROM MANHATTAN: AN IMAGINARY EAVESDROPPER'S REPORT FOR APRIL 19, 2020

--"I find it tragic that the businesses that are making the most money out of COVID-19 are the ones that offer Phone Sex, or Virtual Sex on the telephone as I call it. My brother Ted admitted to me that he's spent $200 on Virtual Sex calls this month, since COVID-19 has made it impossible for him to frequent pick-up bars. Maybe if he runs out of Vaseline inside his apartment unit he'll find something else to do during this crisis period. 
"But it's more likely he'll rush down to the nearest store that has any jars of Vaseline left, and that 's not a certainty since lots of other men have already come up with the same idea as Ted for their favorite COVID-19 pastime. 
"The only advantage I can see from Ted's currently Phone Sex-centered lifestyle is that this is ONE period of his adult life when NYPD can't possibly charge Ted with a sex crime involving a minor. 
"But who knows, maybe one of the Phone Sex businesses Ted calls will be identified by NYPD as an employer of under-age females. That could possibly put Ted at Rikers Island, if he isn't careful to ask each of those ladies their age before he talks dirty with them from his end of the phone line. And if Ted ends up at Rikers Island, he could get infected with COVID-19 AND the HIV-virus if he gets raped by another inmate ---a double whammy of fatal diseases that would be very, very sad for our entire family, not to mention the excruciating pain of trying to find something nice to say about Ted at his memorial service. 
"But that would all get abbreviated due to COVID-19 restrictions that discourage us from opening our mouths in public for more than 30 seconds, so no one would complain to me afterward that I had failed to cite any redeeming traits Ted had during his lifetime. Certainly I could comment at the ceremony that the Vaseline manufacturers were Ted's best friends during the COVID-19 crisis that proved to be fatal for him. I could also thank my former brother for contributing to the American economy through his purchase of Vaseline for masturbation purposes. I could also thank him for not leaving behind a last will and testament, so that I will have the opportunity to go to court to serve as administrator of his estate and pay myself a $10,000 fee for doing that."