MORE FROM NEW YORK: A FICTIONAL ACCOUNT OF OVERHEARD CONVERSATIONS IN MANHATTAN

---"Everywhere I go these days, the only popular song I seem to recall is the one that announces to everyone that 'It's the end of the world as we know it'. When I can't dine inside my favorite deli restaurant here in New York, that's what I call an end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it experience. Very grim and demoralizing. There must be some New Yorkers who are committing suicide because they can't get their usual pastrami on rye at their favorite deli. I hope they don't, but nothing would surprise me here."

--"I wonder what the suicide rate is among New Yorkers who complain about experiencing cabin fever during the wintertime. It is likely that medical researchers will find a comparable suicide rate during this crisis period as New Yorkers already disgusted by months of cabin fever in the wintertime are now on cabin fever overload. It could also lead to violence inside the home, which puts everyone in that household at risk of getting attacked. I am very glad I don't handle domestic violence calls for NYPD during this period. Imagine the double whammy from responding to a call and then getting physically attacked by the father in that household while also having him release saliva all over you when you attempt to put him in handcuffs and take him down to Reiker's Island. I don't know whether the deliberate infliction of saliva on an NYPD officer by a suspect who knows he has the virus violates the state penal code of New York---but it should, especially if the male suspect tests positive."

--"We shouldn't overlook the risk of having a heart attack while trying to fend off the corona virus by staying isolated inside our home. I'm getting zero exercise during this period, since I don't have a treadmill inside my home, and I've gained five pounds because of the carona crisis. Who knows what my weight will be like when this cabin-fever-like hellishness finally does end."

--"I feel sorry for the Italians, but I don't know who to write to over there in order to send them a sympathy card or a get-well card. None of my relatives are Italian. Maybe I should write to the Italian movie actor I like the best and praise the courage of the Italian people during this period. I would love to show my appreciation for Italy by dining in an Italian restaurant here in New York, but they're temporarily closed because of the coronavirus crisis."

--"I find it ironic that the outline of Italy is shaped like a boot. It's like all the people of Italy are getting kicked by a mobster wearing very heavy boots during this period of the coronacrisis, as I call it. But I realize that you can't blame the Mafia for the coronavirus crisis over there. I wish there were some way the Italians could achieve a national consensus on the importance of keeping plenty of distance between one another at all times. Maybe the Pope could urge them to all do that, which could save lives."

--"The only advantage to the coronavirus that I can see is that I have already invested heavily in the sanitizer industry. If I survive this modern plague, I can sell all my stocks in sanitizer-producing companies and retire to Bermuda at the young age of 30."

--"Maybe we should be worshiping whoever invented hand-sanitizer. That might generate the right mantra that could help to spare me from catching the virus during this crisis period. But I don't know who was the first to invent sanitizer. So I'll have to do some research before I worship them in the privacy of my own home."

--"I call myself a Christian, so I'm supposed to love everyone because Christ does. But whenever I look at anyone these days when I'm outdoors, all I can think to myself is how I dread getting too close to them. I want to make sure that even if they have a speech affectation  in which they can send spit six feet from where they are, I am perfectly safe from whatever they have."

---"Personally, I'm doubling the number of baths or showers I take every day, in order to protect myself against contracting the virus. So if we get a water shortage because of me, at least the water went toward a good cause. Saving my life is my favorite definition of a good cause."

---"Katherine Hepburn took five showers per day inside her home in Connecticut. I don't feel that we need to go to that extreme, though, to keep the caronavirus off of our bodies."

---"If you retire to Bermuda at age 30, you would get very bored from watching the waves as your leading pasttime."

--"One thing about this plague, it's beginning to identify all the CEOs of companies that manufacture sanitizer as geniuses on Wall Street. They all brilliantly anticipated this most recent virus crisis, as the Wall Street Journal might declare in a feature story on them."

---"The nice thing about investing in sanitizer companies is that they all get the same results. They all kill 99 percent of the germs, so there's no way you can go wrong from investing heavily in any of those companies. I'm 99 percent sure, in fact, that it's virtually fool-proof for you to spend all of your reserve-fund money investing heavily in sanitizer-producing companies."

--"I love the idea of my epitaph someday declaring, 'She was a Very Shrewd Investor on Wall Street'. To me, that is the best possible wording for an epitaph on a New Yorker."

--"One consolation from the virus crisis is that I now have the excuse for excluding from my own off-duty life all the people I WANTED TO EXCLUDE BEFORE, but felt that I couldn't because I might get criticized for unfairly profiling them."

--"This is an era, thanks to President Obama's legacy, in which we hear a lot about profiling every day and virtually nothing about nice profiles. A nice profile is something to admire. But I'm so busy explaining to everyone why I DIDN'T PROFILE this or that New Yorker when I pressed charges against them through NYPD, that I can't even find the time to buy a nice artwork featuring a beautiful artistic profile of an honorable New Yorker at their best. Someone with good table manners, for a starting point."

--"Maybe we should change our license plates to read, 'THE EMPIRE-HAS-FALLEN STATE'. Forgive me if I sound pessimistic, but I'm worried that half this state's residents won't survive the Coronavirus."

--"I try to invite highly-rated Wall Street brokers to all of my parties. I always hope they will spill the beans under the influence of alcohol and I overhear them saying which company is the best one to invest in right now. The next day, I invest in that company in order to cash in on that free advice I got from a broker. True, I did pay for his drinks and appetizers, but that's nothing compared to what I would have paid if I had consulted him during his official business hours."

--"The drama from the Coronavirus is a lot more than I can handle. It's like watching a hyper-dramatic Hollywood terrorist-theme movie for days on end in which it's not clear whether the good guys are going to triumph. You get so sore in your behind from watching that movie inside a theater for what feels like forever. The Corona crisis is a lot like that. I feel sore in my behind all day from this crisis."

---"I need to find out whether the producers of Corona beer in Mexico are listed on the stock market. It's not that I'm likely to invest. There are a lot of superstitious people who think that if they buy Corona beer, they somehow get infected through some sort of bizarre word association game going on inside their head."

---"I wonder where they are going to erect a monument honoring the hundreds of New Yorkers who die after they contract the coronavirus. I think our Mayor should be devoting some thought to where that monument gets erected, and what the design and message on that monument should look like."

---"The Coronavirus Era is a bit like being in Puritan New England. No dancing, no outings to restaurants, no visits to a bar. Maybe I should read a History of Puritan New England book in order to figure out how to make the best of a more spartan life here. At least no one is going to accuse me of practicing witchcraft, since I don't put hexes on anyone in which I allegedly attempt to inflict any virus or disease on anyone."

---"I actually find it rather refreshing to have this excuse to dispense with small talk. Every time I open my mouth in order to say 'have a nice day' to a customer inside my store, it increases the chance of involuntary saliva spitting that could be fatal, particular if the customer replies with an enthusiastic and mouth-wide-open 'thank you' comment."

---"Since I already was a social snob, this Coronavirus Era is giving me a confirmation of the wisdom of my lifestyle here. I have all the more excuses for crossing names off my party list. And I make sure my party is exclusively alcohol-free, so no one loses control and starts spitting or coughing or vomiting."

---"I wish I had taken up Yoga, so I could somehow survive a multi-day period of isolation inside my apartment unit in order to avoid catching the virus. I never learned how to do Yoga, and that's about all I could do in order to exercise inside my bolt-locked unit."

---"I can see where anyone who's manic-depressive would go bananas during this Coronacrisis. Maybe there's a need for a special hotline for manic-depressives on how to avoid going berzerk during this virus crisis."

---"I feel sorry for the New Yorkers with speech affectations who often release saliva when they talk. Everyone is now looking at them with intense hatred. Maybe there should be emergency speech therapists who teach those individuals how to avoid releasing spit when they talk. That could be a life-saver for the rest of us!"

---"I am washing my hands 200 times per day, and I admit that probably consumes more water than our city government would want me to use. But I figure they can always take water from the ocean, like they do in Australia, and desalinize it in order to handle the urgent need for lots of water in order to wash our hands here in Manhattan."

--"When this is all over, I'm not sure whether I could handle watching a Hollywood movie about this terrifying experience here in New York. It would be like subjecting myself to 90 straight minutes of masochism that I paid for inside a movie theater."

---"The only advantage I can see to the Coronavirus Plague is that it is forcing me to learn how to cook. I am beginning to open up cookbooks of mine inside my condo unit that I previously bought just for show. But am I willing to down to the store and buy ingredients cited in the recipe that I don't have in my refrigerator or cupboard? Not if it means dying young. I don't want to be someone lying on a deathbed and saying that it was buying that one extra cooking ingredient I didn't have that cost me my life."

--"When this is all over, I plan to sponsor a big party honoring all of the nurses and doctors and medical staff members who risked their lives during this plague. My only requirement for guests would be that they must provide me with notarized proof that they passed a coronavirus test no more than one day before the party date. This is one way I can protect the health of all the invited guests at this big social event I plan to host here in Manhattan."

--"With my luck, if I order a home-delivery meal the deliveryman will sneeze at me as he's handing me my meal. Then I'm supposed to smile politely and tip him and try to avoid getting into a fistfight with him that would give him another opportunity to infect me through physical contact."

--"I need to develop a list of the people I know who sneeze the most frequently. Then I can avoid getting together with them or having any involvement with them during this particular period. I'm sure they will understand. I may even throw a party when this is all over in which all the sneezers and wheezers I know get specially honored for being so nice about my having excluded them from my off-duty life over a multi-month period."

--"I can see the advantages of relocating to West Virginia in order to avoid the plague. I read the other day that West Virginia has not had any confirmed case yet. But with my luck, the day I move into my new home in West Virginia I'll hear the news on CNN that the plague is all over now, everyone has been cured, so it is safe to live in New York again."

---"I need to find out whether my church will be offering virtual services through live streaming I can get from inside my home. But how do I then put money into the pastor's coffer? I can't offer a virtual tip, since that would be in fantasyland only and of no use to my clergyman. Maybe I could go online and use my credit card to tip my pastor. I need to call him and find out how I can offer him a tip for his sermon if I get to listen to it from my home. Or maybe I could call the denominational headquarters offices and make a credit card payment earmarked for my clergyman here at the local level. I'm sure they would know how to send him an online deposit with my full $10 tip. But I keep forgetting that clergymen don't like to think of themselves as waiters on behalf of the Lord. They want free-will offerings, not tips, for sermons I like."

--"Personally, I am all the more grateful for my dog these days. There is no way I can get infected by my dog, so I don't ever mind if she kisses me all over these days. No wonder they say that dogs are good for humans' longevity."

--"Those of us who already were anti-social view the Coronavirus Crisis as a blessing in disguise. It gives us one more very solid reason for being anti-social and making sure our front doormat in front of our home conveys our inhospitality in as many ways as possible. In fact, my front door mat proudly states, 'YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE--I'M ANTI-SOCIAL', and that the wisdom of my doormat message is finally coming across to my neighbors. I also offer a message on my front door that declares to everyone that 'IF YOU TOUCH MY FRONT DOOR, YOU GET THE VIRUS INSTANTANEOUSLY'."

---"I am shocked that anyone would attempt to hitch-hike here in New York during the coronavirus crisis. Don't they know that the complete stranger who gives them a ride could either have the virus and infect them with it, or could be a gangster planning to dump them into the Hudson River? Either way, it spells doomsday for that hitchhiker."

---"I question the level of thoroughness of the data-base searches they've done on the individuals who died from being infected by the coronavirus. There MUST HAVE BEEN NUMEROUS COMMON DENOMINATORS in their lifestyles and medical histories that might account for why some people died after contracting the virus, while others did not. So far, the news media has reported on increased vulnerability by older persons with major medical problems such as heart disease. I feel there should be more thorough follow-up investigation to identify additional common denominators for the ones who died after contracting that disease."

--"To me, the scariest possible scenario during this Presidential Campaign season would be if both of the senior-citizen candidates were to test positive for the coronavirus, and if one or both of them then either died in a hospital or sustained major additional medical problems while under quarantine. I hope that all the senior-citizen candidates can minimize their in-person contact with others in this particular campaign."