ANOTHER IMAGINARY EAVESDROPPING ADVENTURE IN NEW YORK CITY: AUGUST OF 2018

---"I don't blame the many businessmen here in New York who complain that Donald Trump gives everyone the impression that all business people are corrupt and dishonest. And unfortunately, many people all over the world see Donald Trump as the embodiment of a certain TYPE of infamously unethical New York businessman."

--"I won't be surprised if some foreign government comes up with the idea of banning Donald Trump or any of his associates from ever being allowed to purchase or rent any property in their own country."

---"Maybe Congress should require President Trump to take a lie detector test ASAP. And maybe there should be an amendment to the U.S. Constitution that authorizes Congress to remove from elective office any President who fails at least five consecutive lie detector tests that are administered to him by an independent and fully-licensed lie-detector examiner."

--"Trump may be a non-drinker, but he sure comes across as being DRUNK ON HIMSELF on a 24-hour-a-day and year-round basis! He reminds me of that famous king from Greek mythology, and his name was King Midas. Donald Trump believes that anything he touches turns golden. But since much of what Donald Trump touches is his own body, he might find that to be his downfall!"

---"I find it funny that no one here ever talks about wanting to visit President Trump's birthplace. No one is at all sentimental about where Donald Trump was born."

---"If Trump were ever required to take a lie-detector test, that would get him removed from elective office within a matter of hours. I think half of New York fantasizes about that moment when a polygraph examiner announces at a press conference that Trump failed his lie-detector test.
The Daily News headline might read: 'Trump the Liar Exposed by Polygraph!'

---"Whenever I hear about Battery Park here in New York, all I can think about is assault and battery. I guess I'm a realist about what half of New York is doing every night inside their own home. And the battered wives and battered girlfriends here will eventually testify about our city's Assault and Battery Crisis."

---"The biggest Assault and Battery Crisis I ever had occurred when my car broke down during a snowstorm. The next thing I know, some very aggresssive guy comes up to my car and points a gun at me and orders me to hand over my battery. I definitely felt assaulted and battered by his visit to my car that day!"

---"I find it ironic how few of the college students here in New York ever enroll in an academic course with a title such as, 'New York City from A to Z'. Everyone just assumes they're already an expert on New York, so they have no need to enroll in a class on that subject!"

---"I told Tina that she should start up a Sea Shell Collectors Club at her middle school. Tina replied that she doesn't want anyone else touching her sea shells.''

---"My rule of thumb is that if a taxi driver drives up to me and I immediately sense that I don't trust him, I just tell him that to his face. Why waste my time with a driver who gives me the creeps?"

---"Personally, I 'd like to see a remodeling of the Four Seasons restaurant that gives you the option of dining in the Winter Room, the Summer Room, the Fall Room, or the Spring Room. Each room would be climate-controlled to match the season you're celebrating when you dine there. If you're in the mood for a Winter Room dining experience, you wear a coat and long underwear and you ask for the Winter Room, please. They could even offer you artificial snowflakes falling on your dining table, to make your Winter Room experience as authentic as possible!"

---"I think every New Yorker's worst fear is that they order their meal inside a fine-dining restaurant and suddenly learn from the waiter that the chefs have all gone on strike, so the only options available are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and tuna fish sandwiches."

---"Whenever I take the subway here, I plan to wear a T-shirt that declares, 'WARNING TO THE THUGS OF NEW YORK: I NEVER CARRY MORE THAN $10 ON MY PERSON!"

---"The first thing Sherry checks for when she opens up the newspaper is the obituary section. Myself, I'm not the morbid type. The first thing I check for when I open up my newspaper is a list of which New Yorkers most recently filed for bankruptcy."

---"She takes going to confession so seriously that she makes a point of riding on the subway at least once per week in order to find something she can confess to the priest. For instance, she might confess that she experienced intense aversion and possible lack of love toward a subway passenger she observed with profane tattoos emblazoned all over his body. This allows Karen to meet her sin of the week requirement without having to lie to her priest."

---"I spend so much of my time listening to other New Yorkers' grievances against life that I feel I should get paid for providing that service. Maybe I should open up a special counseling service for New Yorkers who want to vent their frustrations and annoyances to me for hours on end! I would charge a very reasonable rate, like $75 per hour, and all I'd have to do is just nod my head and say 'uh-huh' the entire time I'm meeting with my clients!"

---"Maybe there should be a realistic public statue erected here that honors 'New York's Least Corrupt Mayor', as they could publicly declare in the historic marker for that statue. I don't know who should get the global acclaim from a statue of that type, since I'm not an expert on the least corrupt mayors here. My own expertise is on which of our mayors are definitely the MOST CORRUPT in our city's entire history!"

---"I wonder why the 'New Yorker Magazine' cartoons never show smoggy conditions in our city. Maybe it's because everyone just assumes the weather conditions are smoggy, so why bother illustrating that in the cartoon itself?"

---"I would like to introduce myself to a 'New Yorker Magazine' cartoonist, but I worry that if I did, the next week I would open up my New Yorker magazine and the first cartoon I see is ridiculing someone who looks just like me! The rule of thumb here is 'Don't Associate With Cartoonists and Comedians, Unless You Want to Get Ridiculed in Public!'"

---"I've always wondered what a New Yorker with bladder-control issues should tell the subway conductor when the subway car is in motion. There must be some discreet way to broach that subject without causing a scene!"

---"Personally, I take the taxi in order to avoid getting humiliated from having a bladder-control issue on the subway. I figure that the taxi driver will be more forgiving of any emergency I might have while riding with him. I can always tip him well, in order to make sure he doesn't blab to anyone about what happened during my ride."