APRIL IN NEW YORK: AN IMAGINARY 'OVERHEARD AT SPRINGTIME' EXPERIENCE

--"I especially resent the fake indoor plants here during the spring season. It is ridiculous to claim that spring springs eternal indoors here, when anyone can see that the lushness of true verdancy in real life is almost exclusively found outdoors during the spring and summer. Greenness outdoors is a true delight to the eye, but the fake greenness stuff inside our office buildings makes me want to puke. I would support a ban on fake indoor plants. Make it a real plant, or nothing at all! We have so much artificiality in modern life here that the last thing we need is another fake item."

--"Speaking of fakery, I am 99 percent sure that my wife is faking her orgasms with me in the bedroom these days. This makes me suspect that she is having an extramarital affair. All I've got to do is figure out which of the millions of possible male suspects in New York might have done it. Maybe I should hire a private detective to find out who her very sly boyfriend is. Or maybe I should put a secret tape recorder in our bedroom, to save money. I could then rewind the tape to get his name when my wife moans out loud during one of her orgasmic moments with him when I'm at the office. 'Oh, Henry!' she will probably moan with pleasure that disgusts me. Then I could do a data-base search to identify each person within five blocks of our condo unit who has the first name of Henry. He's likely to be someone from our neighborhood, I figure, since that makes it easier for him to get here seconds after I leave for work in the morning. Maybe I should leave my hat at home and return home an hour after I left on the pretext of returning for my hat. I could then catch them in the middle of the act! All I've got to do is convince my boss that I need to check up on my wife and what she's up to a matter of minutes after I began my workshift."