THE TYPES OF CONVERSATIONS THAT NEW YORKERS MIGHT BE HAVING TODAY

"If the Global Warming Effect submerges our entire metro area into the ocean, maybe some enterprising survivor will turn all of this into an underwater museum. The logistics of it all are mind-boggling, since you'd almost have to hand snorkels and diving suits to every tourist from inland areas who is willing to pay the admission fee."

"I would define a social pariah in New York as anyone who chooses not to write hourly confessional Facebook accounts about each and every one of his leisuretime activities, such as everything he does in the bedroom and every law here he knowingly violates when he's off-duty."

"Sometimes I lie in bed at night worrying about all the negative propaganda our beloved New York gets from residents here who rush to the embassy of a foreign nation and desperately apply for asylum, saying that New York life drove them crazy from being persecuted, and they have an urgent need to emigrate to that foreign nation, whether it be Ireland or Sweden or Canada or Great Britain or Australia or Denmark or whatever. Just think of all the bad-mouthing our city gets from those traitors!"

"It's too bad the City Attorney's Office here in New York can't sue residents and visitors here who slander or libel our city. If we could do that, we could easily balance our city's budget each year from all the income we'd get by winning tons of lawsuits on behalf of New York."

"As a frequent crime victim here, I have hired a fashion consultant who specializes in how to dress in a way that discourages members of the criminal element from assaulting you. Apparently certain colors and designs can trigger violence by criminal types here. It's a bit like the red cape in Spain that provokes bulls into charging matadors at bullfights. So this fashion consultant is helping me to identify fashionwear colors and designs that might have the opposite psychological effect on our criminal element. This fashion consultant I'm paying $5,000 to will definitely be a life-saver for me, assuming that he is not another scam artist here. I've been assured by one of my best friends that this fashion consultant is legit, so I'm looking forward to my first crime-free month here in the very near future. Then I'll throw a Crime-Free Month Party in my condo unit to celebrate the occasion! I just hope that none of my invited guests steals anything from me during that party!"

"You need to distinguish between the intriguing faces you observe on the subways of New York and the intriguing conversationalists you encounter here. Are you as a single lady looking for a Charlie Chaplin who is photogenicly speechless in the grand 1920s tradition of silent movies? If your answer to that is 'no', you need to find a pleasant-faced gentleman who is also pleasant to converse with in person at 7 a.m. in the morning over a bowl of cold cereal inside a well-lit restaurant. You can't separate the face from the conversation."

"Anyone I see on the subway who looks like he might be a professional model or actor, I immediately disqualify as a dating partner. I can't handle any more narcissists in my life. If I dated him, his eye contact with me would be non-existent. Instead of looking at me, he'd be glancing at himself on a television monitor every time we enter a store with security cameras. His primary thought would be whether he looks good on the security camera. And he might then comment to me that as an actor, he should sue the store for getting free film footage of him even though he's a dues-paying union member!"

"I'm grateful that the company that makes Geritol and promises to help those with 'iron-poor blood' did not put the Statue of Liberty in any of their television commercials. The Goddess of Liberty promises to help those who are tired, and fatigue is very common among those who have iron-poor blood. So this is why I had expected Geritol to exploit the situation by claiming that the Goddess of Liberty endorses Geritol. There was no Geritol being bottled in the 19th Century when the Statue of Liberty got donated to our country by the French Government."

"My friend Harold is so modest about his accomplishments here, almost to the point of an inferiority complex, that he plans to establish a New York Non-Entities Club and register it with the Secretary of State of New York. Harold says he got the idea for that new club because half of the people he meets in New York have told him he's a 'non-entity.' Personally, I feel it would be more accurate to say that Harold is 'insignificant'. He has always been a low-priority friend of mine, but he's not a non-entity, in my opinion. Maybe Harold should establish an Insignificant New Yorkers Club and run for president of that club. That would make Harold a Semi-Significant New Yorker, at which point he could resign from the club he founded and create a new club for 'Semi-Significant New Yorkers'.

"The type of contest Harold could easily win first place in would be one for 'Semi-Significant New Yorker of the Year'. I can almost imagine Harold feeling semi-proud of having won first place in that statewide context. I am very sure, too, that Harold's winning essay for that contest would be semi-interesting. Harold is not dull; he's semi-interesting."

"My friend Suzy takes the Chinese calendar so literally that when she learned that this is the year of the tiger, she made a point of visiting the Bronx Zoo to study all the tigers there up close. But when she returned home from the zoo, she admitted that she still does not have any sense about what this Year of the Tiger will entail for her."

"I've been going crazy trying to find an indoor plant here that will thrive inside my Manhattan apartment while also providing me with pleasant year-round aromatherapy from the scent of its leaves or stems or flowers. Every nursery I've called so far has told me that I'm tilting at windmills, since there is no such year-round very fragrant plant I can smell with my own nose from 10 yards away in my apartment unit. Maybe I should write to that famous Hollywood actress, Cameron Diaz, who has publicly stated that she supports aromatherapy for everyone. Maybe she would give me the information I need."

"One red flag for me occurred when I entered a store with Ted on our most recent date. I noticed that Ted's face turned panic-stricken the moment he saw an image of himself on the security camera screen. I had never seen Ted with a facial expression like that on any of our previous dates."

"Whenever I date a guy here in New York, the first thing I ask myself is, 'Does his face look like something I might have seen in a police mugshot in the newspaper?' About half the time, my answer to that is yes. I seem to have this flair for being pursued by members of the criminal element! Maybe they figure I'll make them look respectable to the law-abiding New Yorkers they plan to prey upon! And that would make me an unwitting accomplice! I should check with an attorney to find out whether I could somehow be charged with the crime of being an unwitting accomplice to criminal activities!"

"It worries me to sense that if a Hollywood movie about my own life story were ever shot here in New York, there would be lots of colorful police detectives featured but no one would ever get arrested! It would be a perfect crime case in which the victim, myself, never gets the chance to testify in a courtroom as a star witness for the prosecution!"

"My doctor assures me that no one could ever guess from looking at my face that I've been a crime victim. But I'm always afraid that when I meet some very pleasant single gentleman, he will automatically disqualify me as a 'loser,' since he can tell from looking at my face that I've been sexually assaulted and physically abused!"

"The only reconstruction project I can think about these days is the facial reconstruction job my plastic surgeon is planning to help me get after I was physically abused very badly here by a violent thug. I can barely even go out in public these days, since I don't want to broadcast my crime-victim status!"

"Because I live in a high-crime neighborhood, I had the emergency phone number '911' tattooed on the palm of my left hand, and I also had my tattoo artist use ink that glows in the dark. So if any crisis ever does occur, regardless of whether it happens at 3 a.m. when I'm in the middle of my sleep, I will know exactly where to call---even if I am so shocked by a terrifying intruder that my mind goes blank! Come to think of it, maybe I need to wear a bracelet on my left hand that immediately triggers an alarm for me if any intruder is detected inside my locked bedroom! The alarm would wake me up and remind me to check the PALM of my left hand for immediate guidance! So this would remind me to call 911, since I've just spotted an intruder---assuming that he won't stop me from dialing 9-1-1 on my cell phone!"