Possible Need for an Adult Celibate Rights Group

One of the minority groups facing societal discrimination against them in the United States are single adult persons who have been celibate for at least two consecutive months.

Members of a proposed new Celibate Rights Group could then raise funds for their non-profit group by doing stand-up comedy skits inside live-performance theaters about their lives as long-term celibate single adult gentlemen or ladies.

Those comedy skits might contain lines such as:

"My friends tell me I'm guaranteed of getting listed in the 'Guinness Book of World Records' as the one Single Adult Celibate Male Person in all of world history who has remained completely celibate for the most consecutive years. However, I'm not sure I'd want that kind of global fame. It might give me a chance to get interviewed on television by Jay Leno or David Letterman, but that would be rather traumatic. I wouldn't know what to say when David Letterman asks me what my secret has been for remaining completely celibate all these years. I think I'd tell David Letterman that my secret is that I did NOT want the celibacy. I have found throughout my life that whatever I did NOT want is what I get. I think God is a sadist and a pervert who likes to toy with me that way."

---"My whole life has been one big Elimi-Date Experience in which I was always the one getting eliminated from consideration. If I told the guy I was having a lunch date with that I'm a freelance journalist, he would immediately ask the waiter for the bill and threaten to sue me if I quote him on anything. I would get stuck at the dining table with this huge mound of guacamole all to myself. I'd gain five pounds every time the guy walked out on me in the middle of our lunch date."

---"I break into tears whenever I go grocery shopping, since I'm always staring at the two-word term 'expiration date' whenever I try to decide whether to buy a food product or beverage. I break into tears because I'll be age 99 before I land my first date, at the rate my social life is going. And at age 99, I'd be at risk of expiring, so to speak, in the middle of that romantic date for myself. The only consolation I can think of is that I wouldn't have to worry about whether she'd say yes to a second date with me."

---"I think my problem has been that everyone assumes I'm married, since I don't wear any wedding ring on my finger. If I wore a wedding ring, then everyone would assume I'm very available and eager for a hot date."

----"The longer I remain celibate, the more my friends assume I've got an incurable disease of some type. 'I just assumed you've always been celibate because you wanted to spare someone else from catching the medical disease you have,' one of my close friends told me the other day. 'Personally, I think it's very noble and kind of you not to put anyone else at risk of catching whatever that incurable disease is that everyone says you have.'"

---"I guess I've always identified with the late bloomer. I graduated from high school five years later than average. And now I'm expecting to graduate from virginity 30 years later than average."

---"In my wildest nightmare, I never thought I'd be identifying with Roman Catholic priests. But now that I've been an involuntary celibate for 12 consecutive years, my friends are saying I might as wll apply for the priesthood. 'At least that way, you can get paid by the Roman Catholic Church for the life of complete and uninterrupted celibacy you've already got,' as one of my male adult friends put it to me the other day."

---"One thing about a long-term involuntary celibate is that I spend so much money on Vaseline that I might as well invest in that company. But when I check the daily stock market report, I never find any company called Vaseline, Inc. So I guess I'll have to do some more research to learn the name of the parent company. And frankly, I'm not sure that I have the desire to pursue that research."

---"I like to joke with friends of mine that I'm not really a celibate. It's just that I'm experiencing a coitus interruptus that has lasted 12 consecutive years for me in Austin, Texas. But don't ask me which coitus of mine was interrupted, since whatever it was, was very forgettable. At this point, I'm not even sure what a coitus looks like."

---"I've been a celibate for so long that I'm terrified by the very idea of my ever owning a pet dog. If I bought a pet female dog, I'd be very worried that she might try to seduce me. And then the very next day, I'd pick up the 'New York Post' and find the brutal headline, 'Dog Owner Seduces Bitch.' They'd have to print a correction notice, saying that it was the female dog, or bitch, who seduced the dog owner, and not the other way around."

---"The celibate life is so lonely that I can't even find any male god from Greek religion who was celibate. Even the ancient Greeks found the very idea of a man remaining a virgin to be completely and utterly inconceivable."

---"Whenever I go out on a date with a guy, I invariably get someone who informs me over dessert that he has herpes. He emphasizes that his is a mild form of herpes, and he is taking proper medication for it, so my chances of catching herpes from him are very tiny. 'And even if you do catch herpes from me,' he invariably adds, 'it's nothing compared to the alternative. A lot of single guys these days are HIV-positive. They're hommes-fatale, if you get my drift."

---"I'm so old-fashioned about dating that I wear a chastity belt whenever I go out with a guy. I'll leave the key to my chastity belt in my apartment, and explain to the guy I'm dating that I can't go all the way with him, for that one reason. One guy tried to foil my strategy on that. He told me he's a professional locksmith, and he'd love to unlock my chastity belt for me inside his home. So I told him that I couldn't possibly visit his home until I was completely sure he's not a serial killer. After I said that, he seemed to lose interest in unlocking my chastity belt."

---"My dates always fall apart when the guy I'm dating starts to talk about his politics and religion with me. One guy told me that he is a Libertarian Atheist, and he is sure that all the world's environmental problems can be solved without any involvement by the government. I felt so turned off by that infantile comment, that I wanted to spank the guy I was dating. When I admitted that impulse of mine to him, he replied that he loves S&M! He would welcome a naughty mistress in his life, he said. 'How big is your paddle?' he then asked me. I was so disgusted by his question that I ended the date right there."

---"I should have known better than to date an artist. He told me I looked so lovely in the nude that he had to paint me before he would even think of touching my body, he said. He then ordered me to lie naked on his bed while he painted me. After five hours of that nonsense, I finally put a stop to the Involuntary Modeling Session. I told him I have no desire to be his 21st Century Renoir, and I fled from his bedroom untouched while he continued his art project."

--"I finally figured out why I've been celibate for 20 consecutive years. It turns out that some older guy I rejected ages ago has paid every eligible bachelor I've met ever since then to either fake friendliness and then act real cold toward me, or act real cold toward me from the very start. That older man I rejected never acknowledged my legal right to exclude himself from my own life. He tried to eliminate any new dating option for me through illegal bribery and extortionism that he sponsored. What's eerie about it all is that no one ever tells me they have accepted bribe money from that older man. He's like Citizen Kane, and he is the last person in the world I would ever agree to have any involvement with. So in practical terms, he's consigned me to a life of celibacy and living alone for the rest of my life. My only consolation is it's a lifestyle for me that's far preferable to any involvement with that very cruel and unattractive Citizen Kane."

--"I learned yesterday that I've now got an international reputation for being a long-term involuntary celibate gentleman. I got a letter in the mail yesterday from researchers for the University of Uppsala in Sweden, inviting me to be interviewed in person in Sweden about what long-term involuntary celibacy is like. It seems that long-term involuntary celibacy is so rare in Sweden that sociologists there thought it would be fascinating sociological rarity to explore."

---"I learned yesterday for the first time that I've got a reputation for being an involuntary celibate. I received a letter yesterday from an official of the Roman Catholic Church, congratulating me for having won a 'Monk of the Year Award.' It turns out that the prize in that contest is a year's supply of Vaseline. Now I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to put all those jars of Vaseline."