Wit and Wisdom of New Yorkers: Snippets from Conversations 'Overheard' in New York City; Report from an Eavesdropper to the Manhattan Scene

If my own life were primarily a quest for raw material for "New Yorker" magazine satirical cartoons, my circumstances of the last several decades would have been very well-suited to that ambition.

I'm a former resident of the Northeastern region of the United States who resided very briefly (1986) in New York City, New York, and was myself interviewed in 1986 for a copy-editing job vacancy at "Newsday" daily newspaper on Long Island.

I often sense that I should have instead landed a job interview at "New Yorker" magazine, since every day of my life I seem to be gathering proposed new "lines" to accompany the world-famous semi-fictional "New Yorker" magazine cartoons.

My "New York City Eavesdropper's Report," comprising snippets from imaginary conversations I might have possibly heard had I remained in New York City, New York, as a permanent resident there, is as follows:

---"At least you can't blame trans fats for your heart attack," one New Yorker says to another.

---"Is your restaurant's bread made from unbleached flour?"

---"As a mother with two teenage sons, I dread the day Obama is televised drinking alcohol."

---"As a mother, I dread the day when Castro offers Obama a cigar."

---"At least the closing of those factories protects our ozone layer."

---"As a customer, I need to find out if this business refuses to hire anyone with a felony-conviction record."

---"I'm a member of the Recently-Certified HIV-Negative Community."

---"Our marriage contract stipulates that in the event of a downturn in the economy, he is still responsible for paying 90 percent of all the bills."

---"I only dine out in restaurants where it's all made from scratch."

---"I'm a member of the Anti-S&M Community."

---"My kids chant Obama so often, I think they're praying to him."

---"Our chief moral leader comes from the most corrupt state in the nation."

---"How is Obama going to keep the Mafia out of the White House?"

---"With Obama in the White House, I plan to specialize in reverse-discrimination cases."

---"Because of my outspoken political beliefs, I'm always amazed when I get through an entire meal without being poisoned by one of the restaurant employees."

---"A Coney Island Honeymoon is the only way to go during this downturn."

---"I can't decide whether to call 911 if someone else's life is at stake."

---"I wonder why there isn't a Professor of Pick-Pocket Studies here?"

---"If we had an Endowed Professorship of Pick-Pocket Studies, it would turn out that money was stolen from someone to endow that teaching position."

---"My very large Italian wallet is useless to me, since it's tempting to muggers."

---"Is that an act of muggery, or an act of mugging? I'm new to New York."

----"What this city needs is an Institute for the Study of Mugging."

---"To me, paranoia is the impression that everywhere you go in New York City, you're surrounded by all your former drug dealers."

---"Do you know anyone in New York who isn't being stalked?"

---"I would define 'self-absorbed' as staring at your own body in the closed-circuit television when you enter a store."

---"Until recently, I always thought of stalking as something involving asparagus."

---"The first question I ask when I meet a guy for our first date is, 'Has anyone ever accused you of stalking?'"

--"I won't date anyone who refuses to show me his criminal-conviction record."

---"I tend to think of serial killers in New York as very compulsive types whose to-do lists went deranged."

---"When a guy tells me on a date that he likes my type, I always point out that serial killers also favor certain types."

---"I feel it's my patriotic duty to marry a firefighter."

--"I need a bodyguard when I go out on romantic dates."

--"My boyfriend's loft apartment is so efficient that his bed dangles from the ceiling in order to conserve space."

---"You'd think there would be enough demand for a "Loft Apartment Living" magazine."

--"One of my New Year's Resolutions is to become friends with one law-abiding Palestinian-American. It's part of my Save the World campaign."

--"One of the words no one uses anymore is 'neurotic'. I always wince when I spot a guy wearing a large trenchcoat in a public place."

---"I wish I were a paid consultant on how to avoid having to file for bankruptcy. I could make tons of money these days."

---"I would like to try a Palestinian-style Restaurant, but I need to be completely sure that the proceeds from my meal won't finance mortar rockets."

--"I love living in a city where it's impossible to be paranoid! There's so much to be fearful about here!"

--"Ever since 911, I've stopped diagnosing any of my clients as paranoid. Instead, I hand each of them a printed statement explaining why their fears may be justifiable."

--"All I hear about are worst-case scenarios. Can't we have any best-case scenarios in 21st Century New York?"

--"I'm grateful that Edward Gibbon is not alive."

--"I guess that makes me a law-abiding heterophile."

--"When I accompany my 8-year-old son to Coney Island, I keep him on a leash at all times. Pederasts are drawn to Coney Island like flies to honey."

--"I'm waiting for my doctor to tell me I have to stop eating meat."

--"Why is it that the magazines in the waiting room at my doctor's office are more interesting than the magazines I subscribe to?"

--"So which country's century do you think the 21st Century will be?"

---"Whenever I face a mugger type, I always get on my cell phone and dial three digits in order to scare him off."

---"Do you sense that the economic downturn has triggered an increase in muggings?"

---"Do you know why we don't have a Skyscraper History Museum?"

--"My best conversations all take place in elevators."

--"This is the only city I've lived in where a second-place finish is the same as last place."

--"Are you sure it's okay to be mediocre in New York?"

--"Do you know a Wall Street investment firm that will still be around 10 years from now?

--"I savor every compliment I get, since the ratio of praise to insults I get in New York is 1 to 100."

--"Too bad Obama can't endorse cereals. If we had an Obama Cereal, I could get my kids to eat breakfast."

---"Indoor gardening keeps me aware of being alive during the wintertime."

--"There's no law against using clean language here. That's another myth about New York life."

--"What I most dread about the recession is that a lot more beggars are giving me sob stories these days. I hate hearing sob stories."

--"It always surprises the single men I meet when I tell them that having sex in the city is not my primary lifestyle practice."

--"It's a curse these days to look Middle Eastern. All the store owners stare at me to figure out if I might be a terrorist."

---"The only Puerto Rican I can recall is Roberto Clemente."

---"The sequel to her TV series is going to be 'Sex in the Country.'"

---"I'm always suspicious of the guys who stand very close to me in elevators. They're taking advantage of the fact that the elevator is dimly lit."

---"I can't decide whether I'm an over-achiever or an under-achiever."

---"I wonder whether Donald Trump played Monopoly a lot during his childhood."

---"Maybe our next Hollywood hero will be a Trillionaire who saves our federal government."

---"I wish I could find a bagel that stands for peace in the Middle East."

---"Everyone always asks me who my favorite Giant is. I always stall by saying, 'That all depends. Are you talking San Francisco or New York?"

---"When anyone asks me my favorite Giant, I always reply that I need to get his GPA from college before I can say for sure. My favorite Giant has to have had a 3.5 or better grade-point-average."

---"I always have the guy sign a pre-dating written contract agreement before I'd even consider meeting him for lunch. As a New Yorker, I feel a lot safer that way."

---"I wonder if our 'Empire State' license plates are missing a word these days. I think that word is 'Vanishing'."

--"I feel a lot of societal pressure to have a favorite bagel I can tell everyone about."

---"I'm probably the only person in New York who just recently learned what lox are. Why don't they just call it a salmon bagel, for god's sake?"

---"I can never decide whether to go whole-wheat or multi-grain when I order a bagel here."

---"When a guy asks me out on a date, my policy is to insist on three very favorable character references before I'd even consider going any farther with him."

---"I've always wondered about that, too, what Old York is like. I'm not even sure I can cite any town in Old York."

----"I told my travel agent I would like to visit Old York. He said I must be joking, so I told him, 'What's the point of having a New York, if you can't savor the Old York, too?" Not that I have any idea where Old York is."

---"I'd like to patronize an upstate farmer, but I don't believe I've ever met one."

---"I was shocked to learn there is no Big Apple Festival, featuring big apples as the natural treat you purchase and eat. Isn't this the Big Apple?"

---"What's the point of calling this the Big Apple, if you can't even attend a Big Apple Festival featuring giant-sized apples to munch on?"

---"I wonder how the artists here manage to paint the horizon, when there is no horizon."

---"One photo exhibit I'd like to see is, 'Alleys of New York.' Those explorations in gray and black could be intriguing."


--"Don't you find it surprising that our main airport was named after a man who never lived in New York City?"

---"I question whether all the pretzel vendors here give out receipts. To me, a transaction is not proper unless I'm provided with a receipt."

---"I wonder why there is no Little Rome section of New York."

---"How can you tell the difference between a police officer on the take and one who isn't?"

---"Do any of the buildings here strike you as being an architect's revenge on humanity?"


---"The Greek Embassy parties are especially delicious, so I strive to cultivate friendships with the Greek delegation at the UN."

---"You're too old for FAO Schwarz."

---"In New York, misanthropy is not holding doors open for other pedestrians."

---"Let me get this straight. You are anti-pedophile, but pro-pedestrian."

---"He's so sadistic that he throws fake coins into beggars' cups."


---"Do you really think any of Donald Trump's buildings will be around in 2200?"

---"I wish I could sue someone for my 9-11 flashbacks."


---"I would never date a Wall Street executive. It would be too much of a roller-coaster ride."

---"I get tired of being asked, 'So what are your total assets?' at cocktail parties."

--"This is the only city I've lived in where everyone brings their resume with them to cocktail parties."

---"Is there a place for non-braggarts in New York?"

---"I take pride in being one New Yorker who never shoots the bird at anyone."

---"I thought it was only priests who take confession."

--"I'd love to do an architectural study on the corners of buildings. That's my favorite part."

--"Anything I have to say to anyone I will say through a regular phone. I hate cell phones."

---"You'd think the condo owners here could retire early, since it's all paid for."

---"I try to stay out of restaurants on the last day of the month. Many of the waitresses here have desperate looks in their eyes, and it scares me."

--"So why don't we have a statue honoring the inventor of the cell phone?"

--"I wanted to invite my landlady to lunch, but the tenants union told me I'd be accused of bribery if I did."

---"I don't have time for philanthropy. I've got to pay my next month's rent."

---"My roommate's big ambition is to open up a Bong Museum."

---"At least my lifestyle is true to our city's nickname: I never sleep."

---"I wonder what it would be like to get eight hours of sleep at night."

---"When I want to learn what our Mayor's up to, I try to find a media company he doesn't own."

---"I'm anti-Sugar Daddy myself. I refuse to ever date anyone more than 12 months older than me."

---"I won't shake hands with any child in New York unless their parental guardian is present. If I shook hands with a child without their parent being present, someone would accuse me of child molestation."

--"I thought of wearing ear muffs during my sleep, but what if someone were to break into my apartment and I didn't hear them?"

--"I take pride in having never once walked in an alley in New York. Alley-walking tends to be fatal."

---"Must I always shake hands in a High-Five Manner?"

---"I don't feel it is racist of me to insist on an Anglo-style handshake."

---"I'm suspicious of the High-Five Handshake. Was this a handshake created by a group of five teenagers who were high on drugs at the time?"

---"I prefer the one-act plays, they get to the point sooner. My schedule is awfully tight these days."

---"So which brand of cologne do you recommend if I want to make it clear I'm not promiscuous?"

---"My son always wants to know why the Statue of Liberty doesn't offer foreign visitors here a High Five."

---"My 9-year-old son always wants to know why New York City wants tired people to move here. He says the Statue of Liberty's official motto claims she only wants people who are exhausted to be the new residents here. My son likes to joke that our official slogan should be, 'Welcome to New York City, A Good Place for the Anemic.'"

---"Anna is so prudish, she refuses to visit our Garment District. She says she's afraid she would get lost and end up in the Under-Garment District, and that would be very awkward for her."

---"My teenage son is so oversexed that when I told him about our city's Garment District, he immediately asked, 'So where's the Under-Garment District'?"

---"Obama is Chicago's revenge on New York City. All we'll be hearing about the next four years is Chicago."

----"Any day now, I expect a Chicago restaurant to open up, with menu items highlighting Barack's and Michelle's favorites."

---"Every pedestrian in New York has their favorite 'save my own life' strategy. I love to tell everyone about the special mini-flashlight I keep in my purse that temporarily blinds an assailant if I flash it at him when he tries to grab me on 34th Street."

---"My eight-year-old son wants to know why it is that all the drinks with New York names have alcohol in them. I told him he should write to our Mayor and pose that question to him."

---"I take pride in never describing any of the women of New York as sluts."

---"I was very surprised that Sylvester Stallone never opened up his own Italian restaurant. He could have called it Sylvester's, Stallone's, Sylvester Stallone's, or Rambo's."

---"My 12-year-old son has been arguing with his teacher in class. My son insists that we live ON Manhattan, since Manhattan is an island. His teacher insists, though, that we live IN Manhattan, and she apparently was very angry with my son for claiming otherwise."

---"It's too bad my high-school student son can't take a class on Rap Music. That's one class he'd get an A-plus in."

---"Personally, I like the concept of a Subway Chaperone service, provided that they don't get fresh with you once you've left the subway station."

---"It surprises me we don't have a statue praising the many outspoken women of New York City's history. It would be a talking statue, of course."

--"Every time I hear about her romantic life, in which she lets her boyfriend tie her up in knots, it makes me a bit queasy when she then tells me her favorite breakfast is a bagel with lox. I always wonder if she has the key she needs for unlocking that one."

---"There are nights here when I can almost see the ghost of King Kong."

---"I get tired of being told here that unless I have an interesting vice, such as marijuana brownies, then I'm hopelessly dull."

---"I wish I could find a consumer guide to Italian restaurants that only awards 5 stars to the ones with no Mafia ties."

---"Does it ever occur to you that you couldn't yourself prepare 90 percent of the dishes you order in restaurants?"

--"I never refer to my waiters as being surly. I don't like the word surly."

---"So tell me, what percentage of the New Yorkers you observe around town are persons whom you would like to share a cup of tea and conversation with?"

---"One of my personal friends is an eight-year-old child, and I always politely decline when he tries to treat me to a meal in a restaurant. I tell him he should save his allowance money and put it in his college education fund instead."

--"So tell me, if you became famous tomorrow, would you want to see your name in a front-page headline of The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, or The New York Post?"

---"When you feed pigeons here, you are contributing to a public-health threat. You are aware of that, I assume."

---"I like having a last name that is not identifiably ethnic. This way, no one here ever says to me, 'You must miss life in the old country.'"

---"It took me a while to figure it out, but when a New Yorker says, 'Are you first' or 'are you second,' they mean, 'Are you first-generation American or are you second-generation American'"?

---"What's depressing about being low-income in New York is that someone is always saying to me, 'Well, it's not as if you didn't have thousands of higher-paying employment opportunities here. So I can't say that I sympathize.'"

---"If I hear one more word of praise for Ball State University, I'll send an irate letter to David Letterman."

---"I don't know how those famous New Yorkers do it. Everywhere they go, they are asked for an autograph. Their fingers must be exhausted."

---"I like the fact that our city's name is very modern-sounding. We're part of something new and bold, we're New York and never Old York. I can't imagine what it would be like to live in a city called 'Old York'---very depressing, I would think. This is one thing we have in common with New London, Connecticut. We New Yorkers are determined to be exploring novelty and bold new visions at all times, and it must be similar that way for the people who live New London. The people of New London are determined to be very innovative, I would assume; but I can't be sure, since I have never been in that Connecticut town. This is just a theory of mine I don't care to explore through an actual visit to that actual city. Until anyone proves otherwise, I just like to assume that New London is very cutting edge, so to speak. Certainly the Melba Toast that New London produces is the sort of toast that the astronauts probably eat when they travel in outer space. Very modern, from that standpoint."

---"My son's autograph collection is getting so big that he's joined an Autograph Collectors Society here that's open to high school students. He says he plans to use that group to get rid of autographs he has of famous persons he no longer admires. He'll be doing lots of autograph-swapping, in other words."

---"Even if I met the Mayor of New York, I would tell him the truth, that I'm not a subscriber to any of his media companies."

---"Is it possible we have some Very Not Important Persons in New York? I think I just met someone like that."

---"The Not Important Persons of New York are major compared with the VNIPs of New York."

--"I'm just hoping one of my friends will suddenly become famous, so I can brag that I have one famous friend here. He'd make a good conversation topic with my non-famous friends."

---"She invited me to a high tea, but I told her I don't smoke marijuana, I see no reason to get high in order to drink tea."

---"My teenage son is so perverse that the other day he joked in my presence that 'Bagels with Lox are S&M Bagels.' I told him I was not amused."

---"Here we have dozens of movies about romantic love set in New York every year, but all I ever hear in this city is the f-word."


---"Every New Yorker is a sociologist of insults. I guess that makes us all Insultologists."

---"It's ironic she lives in a high-rise, since her lifestyle is very horizontal, if you get my drift."

---"So what is your family's emergency-evacuation plan like?"

---"We wouldn't think of ever using our vacation home for an actual vacation. It's just a place to flee to after our city's next major crisis."

---"My son's hero is Donald Trump, so when I told my son we refer to our city as 'The Big Apple,' he replied, 'Why aren't we the Biggest Apple?'"

---"I am keeping a file on which of the airline pilots here have DWI convictions."

---"I pay my attorney $1,000 a month just to review my E-mail correspondence. Trying to avoid a lawsuit against me is my leading lifestyle practice as a New Yorker."

---"It's ironic that the Statue of Liberty is a woman, but we've never had a woman mayor here."

---"The only thing that protects me against a lawsuit is my being broke. Everyone knows that if they sue me, they couldn't get a dime out of it."

---"I've never actually seen a dog eating a dog in New York."

---"Why is it I don't know the name of the comedian being groomed by Woody Allen as his successor?"

---"I'm very strange that way, but I never get road rage."

---"He honks so often behind the wheel that his friends have nicknamed him Goose."

---"Once you're retired and your eyesight and hearing are gone, then you've finally got the time and money to attend live theater here."

---"I never trust any New Yorker over age 30 who flashes his underwear at complete strangers."

---"I think a lot of New York men assume that flashing their underwear at the women of New York is a way to ask them out on a date without being held accountable for it."

---"A lot of young men in New York look upon flashing their underwear at the young women of New York as a 'sneak preview' for which those ladies will of course be dazzled, delighted, and overjoyed."

---"So which anti-terrorism devices have you been duped into buying?"

---"I'm more terrorized by my spouse than I am by Arab militants."

---"I don't fly much. I'm always very afraid that if I take a planeflight somewhere and fall in love with that place, I'll want to move away from New York."

---"She's not a sales girl, and she probably has a 10-year-old daughter who would agree with me."

---"I was misled into thinking I'd have all these great dialogues here with the Best in every field. Instead, I get the door slammed in my face by the Best in every field."

---"I worry about the hot dogs being sold on Coney Island. Can't they ban high-fat hot dogs?"

---"It's not that I love my pet dog; I love avoiding a heart attack by raising a dog. It's what my cardiologist advised."

----"I always try to stay on good terms with my cardiologist."

---"I just assumed that everyone in New York is consulting a cardiologist."

---"My wife is so grateful to her cardiologist that she has an annual tradition of sending him a heart-shaped card every Valentine's Day. My wife insists her gratitude is strictly cardiovascular, but I sometimes wonder."

---"I find it stressful to disscuss the subject of stress. Could we please change the subject?"

---"I can't reject him, because if I did, he'd get a heart attack. Then the newspaper headline would declare, 'Rejection by X cited as cause of victim's fatal heart attack.'"

---"I have a long list of New Yorkers I'd like to reject, but can't. If I sent each of them a rejection letter, the trauma of it all would give them a heart attack."

---"I stopped counting cracks in the sidewalk years ago."

---"A friend in New York is someone you trust enough to invite into your private residence. An acquaintance is someone you might be willing to greet at the front door, but you'd make up an excuse for not inviting them inside."

--"A New Yorker is someone who always peers through the peephole to his front door before he leaves his apartment."

---"I need a 'Survivalism Tip of the Day' Calendar for 2009. I need to keep that focus at all times."

---"I recommend spending a bit of money on a doormat you would be comfortable with year-round. Otherwise, you are giving the wrong message to anyone who knocks on your front door."

---"Every New Yorker has a deep-seated fear that in a worst-case scenario, he might end up homeless. That's why New Yorkers try to stay on good terms with their landlady at all times."

---"I thought of buying a doormat that declares 'Welcome,' but I worried that the criminal element here would mis-interpret that as, 'You are welcome to break into this home and steal whatever you want.' If you give the criminal element in New York an inch, they will take a mile from you."

---"I think every friendly New Yorker worries that someone is labeling him as a pushover. I had to throw away my doormat after a savvy insider pointed out to me that it sounded too hospitable. My new doormat message reads, 'Warning: Security Surveillance protects this home against any intruder.'"

---"You'd think New York would be a good place for a born-again Christian. Everyone who lives here has frequent brushes with death; it can be very inspirational, provided you get out of it alive."

---"I need to find a Disaster Survivors Support Group that is not limited to 9-11."

---"You'd think our city would have a world-renowned Historian of Disaster, who has written a definitive book on the history of disaster in human civilization. Probably he fell off a cliff while writing the final chapter of that book."

---"There are times when I feel like visting an Art Exhibit dedicated to the motif of human disaster; or is it sadistic of me to say so?"

---"I still can't figure out why New York doesn't have a Mega-Disasters History Museum. It would be a favorite of tourists here, and would add millions of dollars to our economy every year. Everyone thinks of New York as the worldwide hub of the Mega-Disaster Scene. The most popular exhibit would give tourists a chance to vicariously experience being on the Titanic after it struck an iceberg."

---"I never can decide when to chat with my tennis partners. Should that be between sets, or after the match?"

---"I hope the media don't also ask our Mayor whether he prefers Sweet and Low or Splenda."

---"I love the aroma of coffee, it clears the sinuses. But I don't actually drink coffee, of course."

---"Modern advertising confuses me. I myself never actually saw any baked goods that my grandmother had made from scratch."

---"Every New Yorker is eternally asking himself whether he made the right choice for a romantic partner. Every day on Manhattan, he observes thousands of attractive single persons, and tries to imagine what it would have been like had he dated this one or that one instead."

---"I love New York because it's a good place for my hobby. I collect paperweights from around the world."

---"I wonder why we don't also have a Downstate New York."

---"I'm new here, can you tell me where upstate New York begins?"

---"My daughter is 15, and she has never once been inside our state capitol building. I don't find Albany to be worthy of a special trip."

---"It's not as if Albany has no restaurants I'd want to be seen dining in. It's possible to do fine-dining upstate: Anything is possible."

---"She describes her lifestyle as 'serial monogamy', she calls it. I just hope it isn't serial homicide in disguise."

---"She describes her lifestyle as 'serial monogamy'. Each of her boyfriends has a way of suddenly vanishing, and the next week she tells me she's fallen in love with someone new."

---"My 8-year-old daughter asked me a cute question. She wants to know how you kill your breakfast cereal? She told me she got the idea from recent news reports about someone getting arrested for it."

---"My 8-year-old daughter asked me a cute question. She asked me whether a serial killer is someone who left his Captain Crunch cereal in the milk too long, which killed the crunchiness."

---"At least the odds are against her being a serial killer. Probably 99 percent of our serial killers are men."

---"I was very impressed that our rabbi chose to deliver a sermon about serial killers. He's very contemporary that way, since the Old Testament doesn't cite any serial killers."

---"I tend to think of serial killers as New Yorkers who develop an addiction to committing homicide. It's a bit like that Lay's potato chip commercial: they can't eat just one."

---"We probably have a need for a Serial Killer Addiction Treatment Program here in New York, but I doubt anyone would sign up for it."

---"I'm probably the only New Yorker who never refers to caveats or conundrums. I just feel very awkward about those two words."

---"Her boyfriends compare her to Diana, Goddess of the Hunt. She loves to chase men with a romantic bow and arrow, but she always insists on retaining her virginity at all times."

--"I have yet to enter a restaurant here that offers me a large-print menu. I could go blind trying to read the menus here."

---"Personally, I'd like to see a special Global Ambassador for Senior Citizens at the United Nations."

---"I'm tired of hearing all my friends tell me they are semi-retired. Isn't anyone fully retired anymore?"

---"It's odd how blue-collar you turn when you pursue work during your retirement years. You turn into a doorman or a sales clerk."

---"I was so relieved that no one on Wall Street committed suicide. The 1929 Crash was very different that way."

--"I try to always distinguish between the major murders and the minor murders. Our major-murder count is actually rather low so far this year."

---"I'm so aware of my wrinkles these days that I even wince when I read that the cheese I find at the supermarket was aged."

---"If I'm as young as I feel, why is it that the 30-something crowd, the 20-something crowd, and the teenage crowd all ignore me?"

---"I continue to find it demoralizing that the only single New Yorkers who ask me out on a date are at least 10 years older than myself. Do I have to wear a T-shirt declaring, 'I won't date anyone more than 10 months older than myself?'"

---"I always bring my blood-presure meter with me when I go out on dates in New York. If I then check my blood pressure and it's down, that tells me I should continue dating him. Then again, it could mean he just bores me and puts me to sleep."

---"I decide whether to continue dating a guy based on whether I have to clear my throat a lot when I'm with him. If he has a throat-clearing effect on me, that's a sign that I should continue dating him."

---"Whenever a New Yorker tells me he has a terminal illness, I always reply, 'Don't give up. Medical scientists may find a cure for that tomorrow.' I take pride in being cheerfully empathetic that way."

---"Living in New York, I feel as if I'm secretly worshipping the Roman poet Horace. My advice to everyone who is suffering, and everyone here always tells me they are suffering, is to quote from dear Horace: 'Never despair.'"

---"If Jennifer Lopez is willing to work as a maid in Manhattan, then you should be willing to put up with a job as a desk clerk."

---"I don't have a favorite town on Long Island yet, but I know that I should."

---"I would love to see results of a survey here about which town on Long Island is your favorite to visit."

---"My leading claim to fame is that I once interviewed for a job at 'Newsday' on Long Island. I still feel they made a mistake in not hiring me."

---"I find it curious that we speak of being 'on Long Island,' but we also speak of being 'in Manhattan,' even though both are islands. Can you explain that linguistic oddity to me?"

---"If you think of New York as a city full of contradictions, you'll be driven crazy. Think of it instead as a city of dualities and incongruities."

---"No one seems to be impressed when I tell them I'm law-abiding, that I make 911 calls every week to report suspicious activities, and that I have no criminal-conviction record. They would still look at me exactly the same if I told them I was with the Mafia."

---"I get tired of being told by new acquaintances here that they are apolitical, amoral, anarchistic, and non-religious. I always reply that I'm glad the anarchist who shot President McKinley ended up in the electric chair."

---"Are you a libertarian, or are you a libertine?"

---"New York is a good city for analyzing the semantic difference between pathological liars and habitual liars. I'd say that 90 percent of the liars I meet here are pathological; the rest are habitual."

---"Why is it that everyone seems to be leering at me when I hike to Central Park these days?"

---"I wish we had some type of financial prize that would go to the one waiter in all of New York who is actually friendly to everyone, honest, conscientious, law-abiding, consistently polite, non-sarcastic, hygienic, disease-free, HIV-negative, clean-talking, civil, non-smoking, non-alcoholic, and illicit-drug-free."

---"You call yourself a hedonist, when I question whether you're even having fun."

---"I wish my husband hadn't been so intrigued by the history of bulimia as a lifetyle practice. Now whenever we dine out in New York, he wants to do as the ancient Romans, and we end up getting thrown out of every restaurant after he makes a huge mess in the restroom."

---"Do you ever feel like holding a seance conversation with Mayor LaGuardia?"

---"I can't invite any women to lunch anymore, since all of their boyfriends and husbands forbid it. I'm punished by men for being popular with women."

---"Would you please define for me the point at which a womanizer becomes notorious?"

---"When I tell New Yorkers that the last time I physically assaulted someone was during my fourth-grade year of elementary school, they always say, 'So you're a wimp, is it that?'"

----"I only date men who have large vocabularies. I find they are far less likely to turn violent than the men with tiny vocabularies. The ones with big vocabularies are so impressed by their own vocal cords that they never resort to using their fist for anything."

----"Whenever I get freaked out by another New Yorker's accent, I try to tell myself that some linguist would love this person."

---"He is so paranoid about crime that he only hosts his dinner parties at neutral sites. He won't permit anyone to enter his apartment unit until they've been cleared by three different background-check services that he subscribes to."

----"Whenever I see a New Yorker wearing sunglasses, nine times out of 10 I'm wondering why he hasn't sought treatment for it."

---"She's a bit naive about her search for a boyfriend. She says she's looking for a guy who'd make a good exercise partner for herself. I try to remind her that romantic relationships are not just about jogging together."

---"Think of how spacious this apartment is, when you consider the alternatives in Tokyo."

---"I will not eat sardines, partly because they're a bit too close to home for me. I often feel I'm one of thousands of sardines all packed together here."

---"My 8-year-old daughter is asking me to take her to the island of Sardinia, since she wants to see what live sardines look like. I told her that might be a rather costly way to enrich her education."

---"My son is in prep school, but I honestly have no idea what he is preparing for."

---"My son tells me all his friends are Internet buddies he never meets in person. That's why he never shakes hands with anyone he regards as being a friend."

---"My son tells me he is part of the post-handshake era. All of his friends are Internet buddies, so he never has to bother with shaking their hand."

---"I'm a bit like Queen Elizabeth, I don't like to physically embrace anyone in public. I guess that makes me too regal for New York."

---"Think of all the candidates for Mayor here who get herpes of the lip from a supporter of theirs after a campaign speech."

---"Whenever I dine out in New York, the restaurant manager comes to my table and wants to shake my hand. So then I have to rush to the restroom to wash my hands before I can actually eat my meal."

---"My 30-year-old son is so cheap that he recently stated he prefers having Internet buddies to beer-drinking buddies. When he treats his Internet buddies from his home computer, there's no tab he has to pick up."

---"Unfortunately, the downturn in the economy is giving every cheapskate in New York an excuse for not picking up the bill when you dine out with them."

---"I would give to Salvation Army this season, except I don't want to finance the infliction of Christianity on anyone."

---"I would love to listen to taped oral-history interviews of Jewish New Yorkers talking about their mixed feelings toward Jesus Christ."

--"I sometimes wonder what Jewish New Yorkers would actually say to Jesus Christ, if he were alive today."

---"Do you know any Scientologist who would actually pass a personality test?"

---"It worries me that I never hear the word 'love' anymore, unless it's a single man on a date at the dining table next to mine, who is trying to make something."

---"If you were a rabbi, would you refer to Jesus Christ as an albatross around your neck?"

---"I can't figure out why I'm supposed to call our Mayor fair, when the media company he owns is libeling me and slandering me on a year-round basis."

---"For me, Diane Keaton will always be the leading definer of the word 'befuddled.' When I try to define that word to my younger relatives, I always ask if they have ever watched any Diane Keaton movies."

---"Does anyone in real life here really remind you of Batman?"

---"To me, the bigger news story would be that an elected official here was officially certified as not being corrupt."

---"If our politicians were honest, that would displace a lot of New Yorkers."

---"I thought of flying to Sicily for a vacation, but then I asked myself who would I be sitting in the plane with for that entire flight, and I got scared. I take pride in never having shaken hands with a Mafia thug."

---"Why is it I never hear of Sicilian architecture in New York? You hear so much about Sicilian cooking here; so why not architecture?"

---"My nemesis as a teacher are the video arcades. They teach my students how to kill----and I'm never quite sure who they are contemplating as their next victim."

---"There are days when I wish they'd rename this as Gotham City."

---"Never tell a New Yorker that you don't own a gun. Their fear that you might own a gun is the only thing that protects you in this city."

---"So which of our city's many debonair journalists is Superman in disguise?"

---"I'm worried that 50 years from now, her epitaph will read, 'Her Lifetime Achievement: She Had Sex in the City.'"

---"As much money as our country has spent on Iraq, it's surprising we don't have
a 5-star Iraqui restaurant here in New York."

----"The soldiers who come back from Iraq never tell me they are eager to find an Iraqui-style restaurant here in New York."

---"Our country is so military-minded that maybe all of New York should convert to military time. I'll meet you at 1300 hours for lunch at Four Seasons."

--"I get the impression General Petraeus will be under heavy pressure to open up a Greek restaurant in New York when he retires. He could call it General Petraeus, and his waiters could all be former soldiers of his."

---"So what percentage of all New Yorkers are older in age than President Obama?"

---"Why is it that every time I fall in love with someone, I learn the next week that they are terminally ill, which makes the idea of marriage problematic, since they might drop dead on our Honeymooon. Do you think Eric Segal may have written the screenplay for my romantic life?"

---"Never marry a man for money. Look at what happened to Jackie Kennedy."

---"I never found out which Greek restaurant here was Mrs. Onassis's favorite. I'm assuming it wasn't the food she ate in restaurants that gave her the cancer."

---"Does anyone really go to hell for making a socially irresponsible investment on Wall Street?"

---"Do you really think that after you die, some deity will be asking you to explain each of the socially irresponsible financial investments you made?"

---"As a linguist here in New York, I'm intrigued by the pronoun we use to refer to the people of Iraq. They're Iraquis; and I always find it great fun that we add a 'u' after the 'q.'"

---"The only New Yorkers I feel very sure I could have an enjoyable conversation with are the New Yorkers I just found out are no longer alive."

---"I miss the days when we used to have an automobile named in honor of our city. Whatever happened to the Chrysler New Yorker, anyway?"

---"You would have expected our mayor to drive a classic-model Chrysler New Yorker, but I guess the fuel efficiency on that would not have been politically correct."

----"So what kind of car does our mayor drive, anyway? I'm surprised I haven't heard that yet."

----"Is Jerry Seinfeld trying to humor me when he tells everyone that he drives 15 different Porsches? I would laugh, but it's too insane to be funny."

----"Jerry Seinfeld's line about driving 15 different Porsches always invites a punch line: 'So tell me, Jerry, how do you manage to drive all 15 of those Porsches at the same time?'"

---"What you don't know about Jerry Seinfeld is that he has 15 different wives, and his 15 Porsches are his way of keeping you distracted from that embarrassing personal fact about himself."

---"Do you know whether New York City pays for our mayor's chauffeur? Why is it I never see a news story in 'The New York Post' about that?"

---"Can you tell me how to find the museum in New York where Mayor La Guardia is an official exhibit? I understand he was the shortest mayor in your city's history, and my 10-year-old son wants to find out if he measures up taller than Mayor LaGuardia."

---"So you don't have a wax museum here, and I should have instead flown to London for that?"

---"I dread the day when we get our first Feminist Wax Museum in New York. I don't think it would do justice to Betty Friedan."

---"My psychotherapist says my stated perception that he likes me as a human being is all the proof he needs that I'm hopelessly delusional."

---"My psychotherapist keeps telling me to lie down on a couch, but I keep telling him that if I do, he might strangle me. I have a major fear of strangulation by my psychotherapist."

---"I don't mind it when another Jewish person tells me I have chutzpah, but I just don't feel comfortable if a non-Jewish person tells me that. 'Chutzpah' is an example of a word I don't like to hear from gentile vocal cords."

---"I love being asked to state the make and model of my car. 'It varies,' I always reply. 'Whatever the rental car agency gives me that day.'"

---"I always try to broach the subject very tactfully. I will ask her if she identifies with any of the girlfriends of any of our most recent governors."

---"I always try to be very subtle about asking a female New Yorker I have doubts about to describe her occupation. I will point out that she is quite a 'Lady of the Day,' since she sparkles in the daytime. Then when her guard is down, I will discreetly ask her what her evenings are like."

---"I'm still expecting the unpublished secret memoirs of Jackie Onassis to be discovered any day now."

----"Are you sure that if we meet for lunch at the Russian Tea Room, we won't be at risk of secret surveillance by Russian spies?"

---"If I address President Obama as 'Son,' I promise you I'm not being condescending. It's just that I'm twice his age. My tendency will be to say, 'Look, Son,' and then share with him what I have gleaned from my 90 years."

---"If the feat of egomania could put you in the Guinness Book of World Records, New York would boast the reigning world champion in that category every year."

---"Harold is so grandiose that he would like to have a special pyramid erected in his honor after he dies. I told him that's out of the question, since slave labor is no longer an option."

---"My theory is that every New Yorker is a repressed nudist. And I'm very grateful for that kind of repression."

---"Exhibitionism probably originated in New York City, if you were to study the history of exhibitionism. Have you, in fact, studied the history of exhibitionism?"

---"I sometimes wonder about the single women I meet at cocktail parties who blush when I ask them how they're able to make rent every month."

----"One of my New Year's Resolutions is to stop referring to other New Yorkers as 'undesirables.' Now I just call them 'good subjects for criminologists to interview.'"

---"So what does an adult kite look like?"

---"I just assume that every adult New Yorker flies a kite for fun."

---"My hobby is sitting and gazing at ponds. Central Park is my haven."

---"What I like about pond-gazing as my hobby is that the pond never moves. It's easy to keep up with all the action in the pond."

---"If I were a criminologist, I would be so thrilled that I'd be elated---in seventh heaven, even----because of the great field-research opportunities here."

--"Whenever another New Yorker gets sentenced to death in a courtroom, I always wonder if our city's criminologists will have adequate time to interview him."

---"I don't know of any criminologist who ever says that New York is lacking in excitement. I think it causes their pupils to dilate, they get so excited by the crime news here."

---"Some of the criminologists are naive. They assume that all of the Mafia here are eager to be interviewed about it."

---"So just how many seconds are there in a New York Minute? I've always wondered."

---"I wonder why I've never met a clergyman who lives in a condo."

---"The cricks at 2 a.m. inside my apartment unit are never innocent."

---"I can never tell when an obituary profile here is factual, and when it's just wishful thinking by surviving relatives."

---"I figure the next to highest-level apartment unit is the safest. No burglar is going to climb that high, and if they do, they'd prefer breaking into a penthouse apartment. There's a lot more to steal in a penthouse apartment."

---"When I'm bored, I'll count the number of times during the night that the lady in the apartment above me is moaning inside her bedroom. I refer to her as Mona Lisa."

---"My cookbook collection gives me something to talk about with my friends when they visit. I'm more of a collector than an actual cook."

---"I feel sorry for the actors here. They're always having to go on frantic cross-country flights to LA and back."

--"If you're an actor, you're always aware of being a nomadic character in 'A Tale of Two Cities'--New York and LA."

---"I'm surprised there isn't a 'Friends of New York and LA Society', as many New Yorkers as there are who alternate between those two cities."

---"Would you have a split personality, if half of you were a New Yorker and the other half was a Los Angelino?"

---"My next-door neighbor is an actor so loud that whenever he rehearses his lines, I get free sneak previews on everything."

---"I'm primarily thinking of the Inauguration in terms of its impact on the Stock Market."

---"My 8-year-old son wants to know the difference between pastrami and salami. He's been told by a friend of his that everyone in New York knows the answer to that question."

---"I've given up on making new friends when I ride the subway here. These days, a good subway ride is a subway ride in which I get to keep my purse."

---"I've never thought of myself as being Macy's Parade Float material. I'm more than happy to be a New Year's Day bystander."

---"I couldn't in good conscience participate in a parade here unless I were completely sure that all of the parade float materials get recycled afterward."

---"Every New Yorker feels a bit like the Medici Family of Renaissance Italy. You are always patronizing a starving artist, such as with a dollar or two on occasion, since we have so many starving artists here."

---"I refuse to look upon the pretzels you buy from street vendors here as our city's leading popular-culture symbol."

---"I wonder why Andy Warhol never did a painting about the pretzels being sold by street vendors here."

---"So where is the Non-Starving Artists Colony?"

---"If I were an artist as untalented as that one, I'd also be starving."

--"I have days here when I worry that the artist I bought a painting from will want his back, so he'll break into my home and try to steal it."

--"When you buy a painting from an artist in New York, never tell him your home address. If he ever decides that he wants his painting back, and artists are often whim-prone that way, he might try to steal it from you."

---"So tell me again, which of the profane words of 2008 have been reclassified in 2009 as conventional English?"

---"It's a good thing those tattooes on New Yorkers' bodies don't talk. If they did, I'd be filing a 'verbal harassment accompanied by profanity' criminal-law charge against half of the residents here!"

---"I'm very tolerant. The only New Yorkers I exclude from my life are the alcoholics, the smokers, the drug addicts, the drug dealers, the prostitutes, the pimps, and the Mafia."

---"I take pride in being a very rare New Yorker who never sneers. If I were to sneer just once at a fellow New Yorker, I would never be able to stop. It would turn into a sneering addiction for me; and that would be very bad for my psyche."

---"Is there, in fact, a Sneering Addiction Treatment program here in New York? I might enroll in that program, since New York life has turned me into a snob!"

--"I wonder why I have never seen a book on display in the stores here that's entitled, 'Sociology of New York's Bag Ladies.'"

---"My cousin is so perverse that he plans to sponsor a Bag Lady Fashion Show, highlighting the 21st Century Peasant Look in New York."

---"I wish the parents of New York would at least prohibit their offspring from getting their bodies tattooed with profanity. I'm still recovering from the shock of observing a 15-year-old youth on the subway, whose chest declared that he loves to 'f--k.'"

----"Contacting the State Department for anything should be easy now. Hillary will be giving preferential treatment to her New York constituents, since we were the ones who voted her into office."

---"I wonder when our Mayor last ate fish that had been caught in the Hudson River. That would make for an interesting historical marker here."

---"My friend Herb told me he moved to New York to overcome his fear of heights. He landed a job here as a skyscraper window cleaner, and now he's developed a new fear. He's been hospitalized so many times for accidental falls from skyscrapers, that he's developed a fear of hospitals."

---"My standard line with tourists here is to ask them if they have been to the Bronx Zoo yet. They're amazed by my hospitality."

---"I'm musically incompatible with 99 percent of all New Yorkers. I'm always grateful when they use earplugs."

---"Isn't it odd that I have never actually met a subway car conductor here? I guess I've never been sure whether they got a degree for that career field."

---"The other day on the subway, I had to politely explain to this 20-year-old African-American gentleman that I don't know how to speak ghetto talk. He then told me he doesn't know how to speak conventional English; and I then told him I wish I had brought my translator along with me."

---"I wish I had not read the statistic on the percentage of all New Yorkers who are currently adjusting to the outside world after being released from a mental hospital or prison within the last 12-month period."

---"The most fervently debated topic I ever encounter here is, 'Which of our city's Italian restaurants is the most authentic?' I plan to resolve that question by calling the Italian Embassy."

----"Just how authentically Italian do you want your Italian restaurant to be, anyway? Shouldn't there be a place in your heart for semi-authentic and innovative?"

---"Does it really matter to you whether an Italian restaurant is completely authentic? Would a fake Italian restaurant be okay, so long as the food tastes good?"

---"I never dine in Italian restaurants on Valentine's Day. I guess I feel haunted by Al Capone that day."

---"I've always wondered why none of the Italian restaurants here are in buildings shaped like boots. Everyone knows that Italy itself is shaped like a boot."

---"So what percentage of all New Yorkers of today do you regard as being overtly self-destructive?"

---"My son informed me the other day that he plans to open up a new Italian restaurant here called 'Benito's.' All the staff members in his restaurant will be wearing black shirts and goose-stepping their way to customers' dining tables. The whole idea would be to replicate the ambience of Fascist Italy. I found the idea nauseating, and I told my son that he can forget about attracting anyone of Ethiopian ancestry to his restaurant."

---"If I were Mayor, I'd ban ticker-tape parades. Do you know how much recyclable paper gets wasted every time New York sponsors a ticker-tape parade?"

---"So what should we tell the children of New York to explain the thousands of pounds of paper we waste on each of our ticker-tape parades here?"

---"I collect designer wall calendars. It's a lot cheaper than collecting designer vases."

----"I was very surprised to learn that there isn't any world-famous wall on display along Wall Street. 'So this is what financial investors' special wall looks like,' I had planned to say, until I learned there was none. New York is not like Jerusalem, where you have the wailing wall that's very famous."

---"My uncle from Detroit was all prepared to photograph the famous Wall of Wall Street, but he found out there is none. He had expected that to be the leading tourist attraction here for him, so he was very upset."

---"What Wall Street needs is some counterpart to the Wailing Wall of Jerusalem, except that in New York, the tears would be shed by financial investors who feel they were wronged by others."

---"I was expecting to find a historical marker on Wall Street, honoring each of the Wall Street financial investors who lept to their death here back in 1929. It turns out those suicidal leapers didn't even earn a historic marker! They're completely anonymous here in New York, and I find that doubly tragic!"

---"I would love to ask an orthopedic specialist to tell me what percentage of New Yorkers walk in shoes that aren't good for their feet."

---"His strategy was to land a job at a restaurant here in order to avoid starving during this recession. In fact, he's gained 20 pounds in the months since the Stock Market crashed. His doctor says he's at increased risk for a heart attack, and his unpaid bills have skyrocketed."

--"Being stalked in New York can be quite expensive. I've been stalked so many years of my life here by individuals I've rejected, that I have had to pay a private attorney $5,000 just to establish a pre-lawsuit anti-stalking legal strategy for me."

---"Anytime a New Yorker tells you he likes to do it anonymously, that's a red flag about whether to keep up with him."

---"Stalkers are not all that different from terrorists. They both deploy anonymous and fraudulent communications to terrify their victims."

--"A lot of New Yorkers end up with fallen arches and fallen egos. They destroy their feet walking all over this city in search of a decent-paying job, and they never land a job as CEO. Instead, they end up as a janitor to a CEO."

---"Woody Allen led me to believe that all of New York is a playground for humorous adventures. But he never gets injured in his movies. When someone is shouting obscenities at you and threatening to beat you up, it doesn't exactly tickle your funny bone. You're just trying to figure out how to come out of that situation alive."

---"It's fortunate that not every New Yorker is literal-minded. Otherwise, half of New York would be missing an eye or a tooth. Everyone here loves to quote the 'eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth!' slogan."

---"I'm surprised that David Letterman hasn't come up with a list of the top 10 most politically incorrect New Yorkers. Anyone criticizing fist fornication in New York is guaranteed of being faulted for political incorrectness. I know this because 'Village Voice' once published an editorial defending fist fornication, and 'Village Voice' is considered to be the leading definer of political correctness here."

---"Now that our President is darker-skinned, I feel compelled to order pumpernickel bagels. Pumpernickel bagels have acquired a Presidential Prestige ever since Obama's inauguration."

---"Everyone is feeling a lot of pressure to emulate Obama by working out an hour every day. I find that I can do it for 15 minutes, so I'll ask my son to cover the remaining 45 minutes for me."

---"The difference between notoriety and fame in New York is not all that great. A lot of people become famous here for achievements that are quite scandalous."

---"Just think, if New York had remained our nation's capital, you'd see First Lady Michelle Obama shopping at Macy's."

---"Any day now, we'll be reading in 'The Times' which type of bagel is Obama's favorite. As soon as it gets publicized, that bagel will be sold out everywhere you look for it. I'm just hoping his favorite is not my own favorite."

---"My son joked during our family's dinnertable conversation that he expects the Harlem Globetrotters to be appointed by Obama as official ambassadors for the U.S., since Obama loves basketball. That wouldn't work, though, in countries like Great Britain, where no one plays basketball."

---"The election of Obama has triggered a mad rush to tanning salons by lots of Anglo men. They're hoping that if they emerge from the tanning salon looking darker-skinned, they can then claim to have some African-ancestry, and get promoted in their career on that basis."

---"My eight-year-old son responds well whenever I tell him that if he wants to get elected President like Barack Obama, he can't have temper tantrums."

---"I love being able to cite Obama as an authority whenever I scold my 17-year-old son for smoking cigarettes. I tell him that if he wants to move into the White House someday, he'll have to stop smoking."

---"My eight-year-old son has become obsessed with running for President. He tells me that since he's black and he's memorized the expression 'yes, we can', he's very sure he'd make a great President."

---"What I love the most about New York is that it gives me so many opportunities for joining groups that oppose what everyone else here is up to. I stay very busy here as a member of the Anti-Drug Community, the Anti-Gambling Community, the Anti-Crime Community, the Anti-Pederasty Community, the Anti-Profanity Community, the Anti-Tobacco Community, the Anti-Alcohol-Abuse Community, the anti-Nostril-Ring Community, and the Anti-Tattoo Community."

---"I bought the most stylish luxury car I could primarily because I love to look in the rear-view window at all those envious motorists behind me who gaze at my vehicle with lust. I love traffic jams in New York, because I get to ponder whether their faces are turning green."

---"These symphony orchestras must be demoralizing to modern composers. When was the last time you attended a 21st Century Classical Composition performance here?"

---"Do you think these symphony orchestras have an anti-21st Century bias? All of their favorite composers are mere tombstones, at this point. But I'm sure that Bach's tombstone would be very ornate, possibly even worth a special trip."

---"My friend Suzanna is so keen on tombstones that she plans to go on a tour of 'Great Tombstones of Europe' this fall. Everyone expects her to visit Normandy, but I told her Normandy is trite. Everyone does Normandy; what about a visit to Bach's tombstone instead?"

---"What if all of New York City were to suddenly turn drug-free? Our criminal element would be deprived of the usual excuse they cite in a courtroom of having to support a drug habit."

---"Whenever a friend of mine confesses to me that he's having to support a drug habit, I always reply, 'Your drugs must be grateful that you've been such a good parent to them."

---"The one symphony peformance here that I'm always hoping for is Armageddon. I think Armageddon would make for a very bold and innovative classical music performance."

---"The Classical composers put me at ease partly because none of them had ties to the Mafia---at least, I assume that Vivaldi didn't."

---"Ninety percent of all single men here, if they actually wrote an honest autobiography, would refer at least twice to having gone 'cold turkey'."

---"Thanksgiving, to me, misses the point. As a drug addict, I'm always trying to go cold turkey, but Thanksgiving emphasizes the hot-turkey theme instead. I think I would prefer a Cold Turkey Day once per year, that would be more appropos."

---"What I hate about Thanksgiving is that it always catches me off-guard. I'm always in the mood for going cold turkey on Thanksgiving, since this is my favorite time of the year to try to get rid of my dope adddiction for good. But then they have to ruin the occasion by asking me to go hot-turkey instead, and I'm supposed to be thankful for that!"

---"When a woman steals in New York, she's either trying to support her children or trying to support a drug habit. These are the only two motives for theft by females in New York."

---"Isn't it funny that most of us talk about having a drug habit, but our nuns say they are actually WEARING a habit. How can you wear a drug habit? I can never figure that one out. Do you sew the marijuana onto your scarf?"

---"I'll never forget the shock on my husband's face when I told him my cardiologist ordered me to center my lifestyle on statin. He said, 'Why in the world would you ever want to move to Staten Island? No one in their right mind would move to Staten.'"

---"I find it odd that the lady depicted in the Statue of Liberty does not resemble Gloria Steinem or Geraldine Ferraro. Do you know which lady served as the model posing in front of a sculptor back when that statue was created, and I forget how many decades ago that was."

----"Every New Yorker is a part-time tourist guide. In fact, nearly all of us deserve to get paid for it, as often as we give out sage advice to visitors on where to go. My favorite tip to tourists is that they should bypass the Empire State Building, since it's no longer the world's tallest building. 'Personally, I recommend that you instead visit the world's smallest building, a distinction we still hold according to the 'Guinness Book of World Records,'' I love to add. 'A reference librarian at the New York Public Library can give you the address here for the world's tiniest building."

---"The underarm deodorant manufacturers always fail to test out their product on New Yorkers before they put it on the market. As a result, many of us New Yorkers turn misanthropic from being subjected every day to severe olfactory pollution produced by thousands of smelly armpits."

---"I have heard that the London subways feature a poem of the day on display inside each subway car there. I'd love to find out if that would go over well here."

---"I wonder why I haven't found a book in the bookstore with a title such as, 'Wit and Wisdom of New York's Current Mayor.' Could you please refresh my memory about his name?"

---"We brag about how New Yorkers aren't provincial, but can you honestly tell me you know the name of the current mayor of Philadelphia?"

--"What's so ironic about New York, to me, is that there is no American-Indian restaurant that anyone talks about. We wouldn't be here today if the Indians had refused to give this land to the Dutch."

---"Can you tell me where the museum is here that honors the American Indians who gave Manhattan Island to the Dutch? I couldn't find that museum listed in the tourist guide."

---"Do you ever get the impression that some evil movie producer has put you in a snuff movie in which you're the targeted victim, and you can't figure out how to put a stop to that snuff movie?"

---"One thing about Kojak that worries me is that he used to carry lollypops with him wherever he went in New York. From what I understand, most pederasts carry lollypops in order to lead children astray. Don't you wish the FBI had done an investigation on Kojak, to determine whether he was secretly a pederast?"

--"I came to New York in order to get discovered, and all that's happening for me is my own discovery of what what poverty is like."

---"You may be a secretly talented New Yorker. You have no identifiable talents at present, but if you work hard at it, some talent of yours will eventually be apparent to someone."

---"We may have a need for an innovative new employment agency for secretly talented New Yorkers. I'm referrring to the many New Yorkers who feel sure they're very talented, but who fail every skills test they take."

---"Your talents are so subtle that it will require a team of experts on talent-identification to match you to a job that pays you $20,000 per year."

---"It's the subtlety of your talents that is noteworthy. None of your talents stand out as being identifiable to the untrained eye. I recommend that you consult talent-identification experts. They'll help you find a job for a subtly talented New Yorker such as yourself."

---"I'm a colonist and a slave in the Empire State."

---"I try to travel our entire state once per year, since otherwise I might develop a snobbish outlook toward upstate New York."

---"As a social psychologist, I plan to interview upstate New Yorkers and glean insights about what an inferiority complex is like."

---"Can you tell me why there's no statue here honoring the Father of Skyscraper Architecture?"

---"What worries me most about New Yorkers is that for all their proclamations about being experts on New York, most of them would fail a multiple-choices test about their own city."

---"You learn a lot about your fellow New Yorkers from the name of the restaurant they cite when they tell you they want to treat you to a meal."

---"Some of my friends claim it is racist of me to have never dined in a Puerto Rican-style restaurant here in New York. Maybe we should have a 'Puerto Rican-style Restaurants Appreciation Day,' to remind myself of what the alternatives are."

---"I'm surprised there isn't a United Nations Sampler option on the menus here. I love the idea of sampling dishes from 10 different nations when I dine out in New York."

---"He is so severe toward his adversaries that he pays someone to generate non-stop noise pollution and inflict it on his adversaries on a year-round basis. His censorious and repressive style is downright criminal, if you ask me."

--"You shouldn't be so cynical. A lot of New Yorkers fall in love with a complete stranger while riding a subway car."

----"So what would your first words to Robert DeNiro be, if you happen to run into him at Times Square?"

---"I've always felt sorry for Robert DeNiro, since so many people remember him as 'Scarface'. It was actually Al Pacino who starred in that movie."

---"I always confuse Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro. It's like they were twins from day one, the way I refer to those two actors, but they are probably nowhere close to being twins. In fact, that might make for a fascinating book title: 'Pacino and DeNiro---Why they are NOT Identical Twins.'"

----"Is there a special department of the City of New York that inspects all the street vendors here every day? I have always assumed we had a Street-Vendor Inspections Department, but maybe I'm mistaken."

---"My sister is a street vendor here, and she told me a guy came up to her the other day, demanding to frisk her. He said he represents the City's 'Street Vendor Inspection Squad', and he takes pride in being thorough. She told him to find someone else for his free-feel opportunity."

---"My cousin in Ohio is so naive that when I told him about the street vendors in New York, he asked me which streets are up for sale here?"

---"I have heard that some of the street vendors are getting a bit desperate these days. They're telling tourists that they can sell them an entire block of a street here at a bargain price."

---"My cousin in upstate New York is still hoping that all of New York City will turn into a Giant Monopoloy Board Game amusement park. He says he always wins at Monopoly up in Buffalo, so New York City owes him Marvin Gardens."

---"New York City is so desperate for tourism revenue that I expect to see a Monopoly Board Game Amusement Park open up here soon. For a fee of only $50, you get to be the reigning king of New York for a day."

---"I've lived in New York City for 10 years, and no one ever mentions Marvin Gardens to me. Where is it, and who was Marvin, any way?"

---"My psychotherapist told me my depression shows I'm empathetic toward human suffering by others during these hard times. I told my psychotherapist he's wrong. It's my own checking account balance that triggered my depression."

----"Are you depressed, or are you recessed?"

----"I've been having repeated nightmares during my sleep about an economic recession that never ends. My psychotherapist told me I should be very grateful I didn't dream about an economic depression."

----"My nightmares during my sleep always feature a King Kong monster shouting 'the recession will never end!' while pounding defiantly on his big evil chest."

---"You have to watch out for fraudulent realtors these days. I just spoke with a realtor on the phone who asked me if I would like to own a piece of Marvin Gardens without actually visiting the place before the sale."

---"Why is it I never read about a famous Marvin who owned some Gardens here."

---"My cousin from upstate New York says he got confused for a fool by a local scam artist. That scam artist asked my cousin if he wanted to buy out an entire street of New York City that recently filed for bankruptcy."

---"My friend from Toledo is so manic-depressive that whenever he visits New York, he alternates between attending live-comedy plays and live-tragedy plays. He says he cannot handle two consecutive cheerful plays."

---"My friend from Delaware is so pessimistic that he complained to me there is too much comedy in the live-theater scene here in New York. He would like to see it 90 percent tragedies, and only 10 percent comedies, he told me."

---"My friend from Detroit is so ambivalent about everything that he refuses to attend any plays in New York that are either comic or tragic. They have to be either tragi-comic or comi-tragic before he'll agree to attend."

---"I wish she had shown better anticipation. She didn't file for divorce until after her husband filed for personal bankruptcy. That left her with nada, zilch, from her ex."

---"I told my cousin in upstate New York about a street vendor here I'd done business with, so my cousin responded by asking, 'Did that vendor tell you his street is bankrupt---and you then agree to buy it from him at a bargain price?'"

---"My cousin in Idaho is so naive that when I told him about street vendors in New York, he said he's amazed they don't get run over by motorists. 'Wouldn't it make more sense for your city's vendors to sell their goods from the safety of the sidewalk?,' he asked me."

---"I've always been surprised we don't have entire streets here that are owned by the ultra-rich. I fully expect Donald Trump to put in a bid for an entire street of New York City, at some point. He'll refer to it as 'Arc D'Trump Boulevard'."

---"I dread the day when the first Arab investor purchases an entire street of New York City. He'll invite contractors with ties to Arab terrorists to do all the construction and renovation projects."

---"The way New York's finances are going, our City will be auctioning off each of our streets to the billionaire offering the highest price for that entire street and all the property along it. For most people, the choice will be whether to live along Bill Gates Boulevard or Michael Dell Avenue."

----"Is a mugging victim a muggee?"

---"I find it ironic that we refer to police 'mugshots' of New York's least finest, when the better term would be 'mugger-shots.'"

---"My philanthropy is limited to buying items from street vendors whenever I feel sorry for them. I would say that about once per week, I feel sorry for one of the steet vendors I run across as a pedestrian here. So that adds up to $300 in philanthropy I do every year."

---"Do you ever meet anyone in New York who tells you their last name is Soprano, and that they are trying to change their last name to Tenor or Bass."

--"Foggy days are the most dangerous days in New York City. All the muggers here know they can get away with anything on foggy days. We desperately need increased patrol by police on foot whenever we have foggy weather!"

---"A native of New York insulted me the other day by telling me that even though I don't have any current vices that violate the law, he still regards me as a likely criminal of the future. He says 95 percent of New Yorkers these days are either criminals or potential criminals."

---"It's not the criminals we fear. The most feared persons here are the landlords and landladies who determine whether we'll have a roof over our head next month."

---"Have you ever met anyone here who actually resembles the gentleman on the front cover of 'New Yorker' magazine?"

---"Do you ever worry that your own life in New York is mere background to the Hollywood movie being filmed over there?"

---"I feel relieved that no one ever tries to interview me for a Dewar's Profile."

---"Have you considered writing your PhD dissertation about celibate lifestyles? You obviously excel at asexual living, so you might as well become a renowned scholar on the subject."

---"What does it mean if your life feels like a movie in which you hate the director, you hate the producer, and you hate the scriptwriters in the background."

---"I have to be very careful whenever I give out my blogsite address. Here in New York, some cut-throat competitor will try to use that against me."

---"The only reason I attend church here is to enrich my vocabulary. The clergymen give me words like 'evanescent' and 'apocalyptic' to ponder."

---"All of the competitors in New York are cut-throat competitors. There's no such thing as a nice-guy competitor here."

---"With all the walking I do in New York, the least I can do is invest in a good shoe company. Do you know of any shoe company you would recommend?"

---"The funerals in New York tend to be more cheerful than the weddings are. With funerals, you never have to worry about the big event of the day being nullified a year later."

---"I'm rare, in that I almost never pay attention to the shoes of the New Yorkers I meet."

---"By 'afterlife', are you referring to the period after 9-11?"

---"My theory is that throughout the last 30 years, she has been fed nothing but fictional factoids and fairy tales from a group of novelists who kidnapped her. I'm always astonished whenever she comes up with a real-world insight. That occurs about once a month."

---"When I attend a funeral in New York, I always glance around at everyone to determine what percentage of the mourners are sincere."

---"I hate sensing that 90 percent of the mourners at funerals here are only there because they felt obligated to attend."

---"As a New Yorker, I feel obligated to purchase at least one clock that was made in Rhode Island. Otherwise, I'd have nothing from Rhode Island, and they're almost a next-door neighbor, after all."

---"My 8-year-old son wants to know why Rhode Island is not an island. I told him to write to Rhode Island's Governor. That's what Governors are for, to answer intelligent questions from 8-year-olds."

---"I wish we could get the mayor of New York to declare he's had a vasectomy. It would help a lot with population control efforts."

---"After seeing my cardiologist, I have to be strategic about everything. Can you tell me which symphonies at the Met are the best for my cardiovascular health?"

---"I'm at my very finest as a New Yorker when I'm telling strangers here to call our travelers aid society for help. When they then ask, 'Does that mean you aren't willing to help me yourself?', I simply explain that all of my spare money goes to the travelers aid society, and that's why I'm also broke."

---"I'm rather proud of the extra bedroom in my apartment. It means I get to collect IOU's from all my friends and relatives by playing host to them on a year-round basis."

---"What I like the most about New York is that I get to vicariously re-discover this city on a year-round basis. I'll always ask my latest friend from out of town if they are ready to take a bite out of the Big Apple. They'll reply that they just hope it isn't a rotten apple they'll be biting into, and some of them have this disgusting leer on their face when they talk that way."

---"It's impossible to live in New York without compiling an enemies list. I define enemies here as the persons who'd refuse to call 911 if they saw me lying unconscious along Fifth Avenue."

---"What every New Yorker fears the most is the day when other New Yorkers get access to technology that reads their own mind. Nothing terrifies a New Yorker more than certifiable ESP. They'd get fired from their job for having inflammatory thoughts."

--"New Yorkers are so out of touch with the rest of the U.S. that they regard watching CNN on cable television as a grand adventure into outlying regions."

---"My 9-year-old son wants to know which famous giant the New York Giants were named after? My son says he loves to study giants, and thinks some of the members of that pro football team resemble Paul Bunyan."

---"He says a new city ordinance prohibits muttering or mumbling or whispering to oneself at the workplace, and his work supervisor claims that he violates that municipal ordinance of New York every workshift."

---"His brother enrolled him in a Human Prejudice Treatment Program without his written consent, and he says he is so alienated by that program that he's developed dozens of new prejudices."

---"He learned this week for the first time that the City of New York enrolled him in a treatment program designed to make him anti-sexual the rest of his life without ever giving him a chance to appeal that through a lawsuit. What makes it doubly funny is that he has no criminal-conviction record, so the treatment program against his wishes is flagrantly illegal and Unconstitutional. He's now a multi-billion-dollar legal liability for the City of New York."

---"The stalker he despises the most is the stalker who sends him a daily anonymous hate letter, defying him to figure out who wrote and sent him that hate letter."

---"Instead of writing my memoirs, I plan to write a book entitled, 'Profiles on Each of the Phantom Stalkers of My Life, and Why I Exclude them All from My Will.'"

---"He learned this week, much to his disgust, that the City of New York has enrolled him in a pre-sex-change counseling program without his permission. The latest word from the City is that he needs to let the Mayor know as soon as possible if he wants his artificial breasts to be Dolly Parton-size."

---"What does it mean if every word you hear uttered by everyone you meet in New York these days sounds as if it had been ghost-written in advance by a creepy stalker in the background?"

---"So why isn't there an American Memoirs Library here in New York? I would find it inspirational, since I used to assume that senior citizens are primarily doing shuffleboard. Obviously, some of them are writing their memoirs in their final days and months and years. I think they deserve a special new library honoring the remarkable discipline and creativity they showed at that age."

---"Now that I'm 75 and have forgotten my 20s and 30s, I think I'm finally ready for my oral history interview. It will focus on my pre-teens, my teens, and everything after age 40."

---"Do you ever wonder why you never hear who's the very best oral history interviewer in New York these days?"

---"If you want to have your oral history done, why don't you just look for a consumer guide to oral history interviewers. That should help you to make sure that whomever you choose for your oral history interview will be the very finest there is."

--"Do you know whether oral history interviewers charge by the minute, or by the hour? Since I've led a very full and varied and long life, I need to make sure I can afford to get interviewed about it."

---"I get the impression I should dine out at our Mayor's favorite restaurants, if I want to curry favor with him. Incidentally, do you know if our Mayor favors curried chicken dishes? I could definitely go for a curried-chicken restaurant. That would make currying favor with our Mayor a lot more palatable to me."

---"With my training as a mental health worker, I spend a lot of my leisuretime trying to put my waiter at ease whenever I dine out. Unfortunately, I'm not always successful. Recently, one of my most waiters who'd just taken my order shrieked a very loud obscenity after fleeing from my dining table. He was obviously having a nervous breakdown."

---"Do you know of any stock market analyst who isn't manic-depressive?"

---"My theory is that manic-depressives tend to be drawn to a career on Wall Street."

---"Why is it that no one seems to know the name of the Sister City of New York? Is that Little Sister of ours so tiny and insignificant that we can't even remember her name?"

---"It's almost funny when we refer to New York as being a "Sister City," since it implies that New York City is a biological female. The only thing female about New York City is our Statue of Liberty, who is obviously more handsome than pretty."

---"My teenage son wants to know what percentage of our Garment District is devoted to fulfilling the clothing needs of men. I told him it's 50 percent, since equality of the sexes is the law now, and that shut my son up."

---"Columbia University finally identified the best possible topic to study here: our city's addictions. Myself, I'm addicted to celery, I guess that makes me a celery addict. I'm lucky my addiction is so innocuous. I know a guy here who says he's addicted to making anonymous prank phone calls to complete strangers whose phone number he spots at random from the phone book. If anyone tracks him down, he's likely to get an anonymous punch in the nose."

---"I thought of dating a New York Rangers hockey player, except I couldn't handle the idea of his losing teeth from his career. Depending on how rough his season went, he might end up with dentures, and that would not be conducive to kissing."

---"It's obvious that our Manhattan Clam Chowder isn't being promoted enough. When I travel to other states, all I get is New England Clam Chowder. It's New York taking a back seat to New England!"

---"As a medical doctor, I can assure you that Manhattan Clam Chowder is much better for your health than New England Clam Chowder."

---"Maybe what we need is a Manhattan Clam Chowder Society that sponsors an annual Manhattan Clam Chowder Cook-Off."

---"My 8-year-old son tells me the primary street in New York he wants to visit is the one named after the candy bar. It's his favorite candy bar, so he figures the street would also be a lot of fun."

---"I find it shocking that you've grown up in New York, but have never once attended a clam dig."

---"I wonder why the Express Elevator option isn't more common here. I like the idea of going straight to the top."

---"I'm on everyone's carbon-copy E-mail list. I guess that's how we define stature in New York these days."

---"Are you on probiotics or antibiotics today?"

---"My doctor is very keen on probiotics, so I guess that makes him pro-life, though I'm sure he's also pro-choice."

---"On days here when I seem to have nothing but enemies, I can always thank the friendly bacteria swimming inside my body from my probiotics diet. They're my only true friends. But I wouldn't know how to shake hands with them."

---"So which restaurant do you recommend, from a probiotics standpoint?"

---"What I like about my probiotics-centered lifestyle is that it gives me a chance to take care of my own personal internal aquarium. I like to imagine those friendly bacteria swimming around in my abdominal tank. They're my little fishy friends. It's a bit like pregnancy, except there's no risk of miscarriage, and my little fishy friends don't kick."

---"She always takes it personally when her waiter offers her a mint after her meal. 'Is my waiter suggesting that my breath was not good enough for him?' she asks. I always have to explain to her that all the other customers here are also getting the same mints."

---"Whenever she's a patient in a hospital owned by a religious group other than her own, she lies about her religious affiliation in order to get better medical care."

---"What I dread most about this economic depression are all the movies and novels it will spawn about characters who are poverty-stricken. That will be quite depressing to me."

---"I find her plight convincing. She's at the top of my personal charity list. But I'll just call it a long-term personal loan offer, in order to avoid humiliating her."

---"Did it ever occur to you that there are some New Yorkers who can't identify with the TV series 'Friends,' because they've never had friends."

---"Do you actually believe there are some New Yorkers who cite 'giving people ulcers' at the top of their New Year's Resolutions?"

--"She's excited because she has thought of a very original question to ask Robert DeNiro if she happens to run into him. She will ask him which of the characters he portrayed did he dislike the most?"

---"My friend Sally says she has found the perfect way to cut costs during the recession. When she dines out, she orders her entree from the appetizer menu. That leaves her stuffed with fried mushrooms whenever she dines out in New York."

--"My friend Sammy says he has found the perfect way to cut costs during this economic depression. He says he has figured out which restaurants serve homemade soup, and every week he heads for those restaurants to order a bowl of soup as his entree. He has seen so many intriguing bowls in New York's eateries that he is thinking of collecting soup bowls as his primary hobby. He figures it will give him a unique hobby that he can help promote. Sammy says he hopes to someday attend a Soup Bowl Collectors Convention here in New York."

---"At least with reduced work hours these days, a lot of us parents are spending more time with our kids at home. But many of us are feeling so depressed over the economic depression that we get into arguments at home with our kids. So now I have to enroll in a parenting skills workshop on how to avoid taking my financial frustrations out on my kids. And that workshop will probably cost me $200 to attend, with my luck."

--"Even my pet poodle is showing signs of irritability during this Depression. She seems to sense that the leftovers from our dinner table I'm feeding her aren't as elegant as the Poodle Supreme Cuisine that I used to give her every day."

---"Just think, someday you will be telling your grandchildren what you were doing on the day of the Great Stock Market Crash of 2008."

----"Wouldn't it be fascinating to read the New Year's Resolutions of New York's Mafia dons for 2009?"

---"One of the reasons why Mafia dons never turn themselves in to the District Attorney is that they fear being deprived of their favorite Italian dishes on a year-round basis. 'Not enough Italian dishes for my tastes,' as those Mafia dons would sum up their expectation of what state prison life holds for them."

---"I wanted to organize a civic group for teetotalers, but so far I haven't found anyone who abstains from alcohol."

---"Have you noticed that no one talks about the knees of our quarterbacks anymore, after Joe Namath retired?"

--"Stalking is so common here that we have private-detection agencies that do nothing but collect evidence of stalking for their clients."

---"Are you sure your cardiologist is better than David Letterman's cardiologist?"

---"This economic downturn has changed my style as a shopper. I used to shop inside a store, now I just window-shop outdoors while walking past the store."

---"So how do you know for sure that your priest is not a pederast?"

---"Have you considered asking your priest to never hug your child under any circumstances? Or are you worried you might offend your priest if you made that special request?"

---"Are you completely sure you are not being stalked?"

---"Do you ever get the impression that some rich and sadistic New Yorker has put you in a timewarp, in which the only persons you are allowed to associate with are ghosts from your distant past."

----"I think everyone is afraid to comment on a child being cute these days, for fear that some listener will regard that as evidence of pederastic intent."

---"With all the talk about the sex crime of pederasty here, I'm amazed we don't have a new television crime-fighting series entitled 'PI New York,' or 'Pederastic Intent New York.'"

---"As many times as some adult acquaintance of mine praises my 8-year-old girl as 'cute,' I wish I could hand each of those adults a thesaurus. 'Please come up with a good synonym for cute, since Teresa needs to expand her vocabulary,' I feel like saying."

---"I often refer to both my efficiency apartment and my office desk as being cubicles. In fact, I often refer to my life as a 24-hour-a-day cubicle experience, since most of my nightmares are set in a cubicle. Cubicle claustrophobia, I call it."

---"His efficiency apartment is so tiny that he has to use a catheter whenever he wants to urinate."

---"So which Big Apple is New York? Is our city a Rome Apple, an Albany Beauty Apple, or an Empire Apple, would you say?"

---"I always warn my dinner party guests in advance that they won't be leaving my home intoxicated. You'd be amazed how many New Yorkers refuse to attend a dinner party if they have no chance for getting drunk at the event."

---"The last time I hosted a tea party in New York, my guests all showed up with alcohol and said they prefer Long Island Tea over Oolong Tea."

---"New York City is so international that there are days I wonder why we don't have an Arctic Pole delegation at The United Nations. I would love to attend an Arctic Polish party, provided that the sausages they serve are not all frozen solid."

---"Do you know whether there's an official Endangered Species Delegate at The United Nations? If so, I hope they are surviving, at least. Surviving in New York is no mean feat.'

--"Andrea is so enthrall with exoticism that she tells me she'd love to go on a blind date with the UN delegate for Andorra, someone she has never met or seen or heard about before. She says she loves the idea of dating the delegate from the most obscure Euopean nation at the UN."

---"Suzy is so thrilled with yodeling these days that she's trying to land a yodeling date with a bachelor from the Swiss delegation at the UN. She says the only thing they will need for that date are good yodeling mountains. She admits, though, that she doesn't know where the nearest yodeling mountains are located."

---"Many New Yorkers point out that The United Nations are the most famous oxymoron in our entire city. There is nothing united about the nations gathered here. Even if we had a Martian invasion from outer space, the UN General Assembly would react with a split decision vote on how to respond."

---"I guess I was naive. I used to think the Global Warming Effect would protect me against the risk of frostbite in January, so it would make for a more enjoyable winter."

---"I used to think of the Global Warming Effect primarily in terms of fewer subzero-temperature days."

---"I used to joke that maybe the Global Warming Effect will rub off on my fellow New Yorkers, and they'll show a bit more warmth toward me on first meetings. Now, I see that the Global Warming Effect is no joking matter. If anything, my fellow New Yorkers have gotten colder because of the Global Warming Effect. They're all so terrified of Global Apocalypse Visions these days, that no one smiles anymore."

---"Global Warming Effect is like an electric blanket you can never turn off that's set to the wrong temperature."

---"Global Warming Effect is like getting shoved into the dryer at the laundrymat when it's on full blast, and the door to that dryer has been locked."

---"I can't even remember my favorite float from this year's Macy's Parade. That's how I define senility in my life here these days."

---"She's the only New Yorker I know who almost never honks when she's driving. I personally feel she should offer a class here on how to minimize your honking. So many of the honkers here end up in fist fights with each other."

--"We've had so much pederasty in New York that I am offering a $1 million prize to the first New Yorker who comes up with a multiple-choice test designed to identify which adults here are the most likely to commit the sex crime of pederasty."

---"The pederasty crisis these days is so severe that I hired a muscular male adult bodyguard to escort my 8-year-old daughter Virginia all over town. But now my daughter says her bodyguard is getting fresh with her."

---"Never tell your waiter the street in New York where you live. For all you know, he might be a stalker or rapist or serial killer during his off-duty hours."

---"My waiter loves to flirt with me by staring at my breasts and asking, 'Isn't it a beautiful day today?' That's as far as he'll ever get to landing a date with me."

---"My waiter is such a notorious womanizer that every time he asks me if I'd like an appetizer, he gazes at my lips with ardor."

---"Never date a New Yorker who says, 'they're all alike' when talking about types of people he's encountered here."

---"Let me get this straight. He's lactose-intolerant, but very tolerant of alcohol. Is that correct?"

--"Living here is a guaranteed year-round education. It teaches me what my blind spots are."

--"So how many times per month do you call 911?"

---"The 911 dispatcher is always telling me I should have called 311. Whatever I consider to be a major crisis, he tells me is mere trivia, in the eyes of NYPD."

--"I don't even know our city's finest Dutch restaurant, and here we claim New York is the city with the big Dutch heritage."

---"The Ambassador from the Netherlands must be particularly proud of how New York City has turned out. The Dutch were the very first to build a town here."

---"Just think, if the Dutch still owned New York City, there would be a big dike nearby, when we obviously have no dikes here."

--"I still remember that Jennifer Aniston movie in which she declared that Boston is provincial. It feels good to live in the hub of the universe here, the Big Apple."

---"I've heard some complain about the preppiness of Boston, but at least they're trying to impress over there. Here, a high percentage of the residents have given up. All they know how to do is subsist."

---"Whenever a beggar greets me in New York, I try to pretend he's a priest from that Roman Catholic order who beg on a year-round basis. That reminds me to treat each beggar with respect."

---"It's probably a good thing that the Dutch don't own New York anymore. If they did, half of this city's residents would be doing legalized prostitution for their career choice."

--"I have very sensitive ears, so I need to find the quietest apartment complex in all of Manhattan. Do you know which apartment complex that would be?"

---"I hate those guys who design horns for cars. As often as we hear honking in New York, the least they could have done was to give us pleasant honking sounds."

---"So which new car model do you think has the most pleasant honking sound?"

---"New York City would be a great city for motor-vehicle honker collectors. They could hold annual conventions here at which the subtleties of each car's honking system gets compared and contrasted. Personally, I like the sound of the horn from the Citroen the best. I only mention the Citroen because I don't recall what its horn sounds like."

---"If I get rich someday, I'd offer $1 million to the inventor who develops the very first noise-proof condo unit. I'd love to be spared of hearing the loud moaning sounds from the lady who lives above me. It seems she has a flair for only meeting guys who inspire loud moaning sounds from her inside her condo unit. And she seems to meet a new guy every week who has that effect on her."

---"Why is it I never hear anyone complain about under-sexed New Yorkers?"

---"I was disgusted to learn today that the Anonymous Communicators of New York are so numerous they've organized an Anonymous Communicators Rights group. They plan to hold their first meeting in complete secrecy, without any media coverage."

---"So tell me again, what's the difference between an anonymous communicator and a law-breaking stalker who belongs in prison?"

---"My worst nightmare is that if I write to our Mayor to complain, he'll share everything from my letter with his media company. The next morning, I'll find a headline about it all in one of his publications."

---"For your assignment, you should write an essay comparing and contrasting our Mayor with the leading character of 'Citizen Kane'."

----"You might want to write an essay on who is the more likable human being---our city's Mayor, or the leading figure of 'Citizen Kane.'"

---"Everyone says breakfast in bed at a resort in the Hamptons is their idea of heaven. Myself, I find it very odd to eat a meal from that position. It reminds me of being a patient in a hospital, which is not a fun experience."

---"For your birthday present, I'll send a rejection letter and threat of a lawsuit on your behalf to each of the persons of the last 51 years of your life who have called you stupid, mentally ill, or insane. That will give you the grand opportunity to associate with the two total persons you've met in your entire life thus far who didn't call you a mentally ill moron. Of those two total persons, one actually regards you as law-abiding, wise, rational, intelligent, benevolent, and talented."

---"I wonder why it is that the American Stalkers Anonymous addiction-treatment group holds its annual conventions in New York City? What does that tell you about New York?"

---"If you can't become a big fish in New York, at least you can learn what life as a minnow is like. There's even a support group for you, called Minnows Unite, except that their members have a way of vanishing before they could make it to a meeting."

---"The intellectual elitists of New York I hate the most are the ones who habitually say, 'Our conversation is beginning to degenerate.' They regard all conversations with acquaintances as an opportunity to grade papers."

---"When I was your age, I already had two PhDs."

---"I wonder how New York's landlords would rank among the most beloved occupational groups here?"

---"My niece, Sarah, has turned into an anti-profanity activist here. Her leading accomplishment is that last week she got a female store clerk fired for saying the
f-word within earshot of Sarah."

---"My daughter is a clean-speech activist, but she says half of the New Yorkers she encounters every day are trying to ruin her perfect record. She says she mutters a profane word to herself at least 20 times a day here----but only when provoked by others, she says. 'None of my profane speech is unprovoked,' she boasts, as her leading claim to fame in the Big Apple."

---"One thing about New York is that everyone in this city apparently has a degree in psychiatry. Each resident of our city declares another person to be 'psycho' or 'psychotic' or 'sick' at least 50 times per day."

---"If psychiatrists ruled New York, 95 percent of our city's residents would be confined to a mental institution for life."

---"Living in New York is a bit like living in a city where everyone is a psychiatrist by profession. Everyone here is constantly declaring all other residents of this city to be insane."

---"Did you ever figure out what Woody Allen was referring to when he complained about 'crazies in New York' in one of his 20th Century movies?"

---"If New Yorkers had the right to hold special recall elections in which they could deport other residents to their most recent prior state, half of this city's inhabitants would get banished to New Jersey."

---"Have you ever met a philanthropist in New York who actually loves all the people of this city?"

---"My brother loves to torture me. The other day he told me that someone from my childhood who has always disliked me intensely, has secretly obtained legal authority in regard to myself and financial wealth of mine I don't know about. When I asked my brother who that was, he replied that I should be able to figure that out for myself."

----"I worry about the residents of New York who say that since they are United Nations delegates from a foreign country, no law of New York applies to themselves. They proceed as if New York City were a place where anarchy reigns."

----"With the criminal element here, all I can say is that I love their potential to lead law-abiding lives at some future date. But I can't possibly say that I love them as they currently are."

---"New York City is the toughest challenge to Christianity I've ever seen. Any time a Christian New Yorker tells me he loves everyone, I point to a stranger on the street and the Christian admits his pledge does not apply to that one."

----"My entrepreneur son has such a morbid sense of humor that he's organized a special guided tour of New York that features stops at each of the most notorious Mafia-identified establishments in the Big Apple. At each Italian restaurant stop on that guided tour, my son invites his customers to re-enact what it was like for the Mafia thug whose rigatoni meal was rudely awakened by gunfire."

---"Of all the little fish of New York, he is definitely the littleist. In fact, he's so tiny that he's a miniature minnow."

---"I assumed when I moved to New York that I'd be getting to know the Big Fish here on a year-round basis. Instead, I've turned into an expert on minnows, and why it is that they're eternally at risk of getting swallowed whole."

---"I cannot imagine any merger with him that would not be a hostile takeover."

---"I have never met any female model in New York who even remotely resembles our Statue of Liberty."

---"What our city needs is an annual Statue of Liberty Beauty Pageant. The winner would be the charming lady who most closely resembles that famous statue."

---"Unfortunately, I often sense that if there were a Mafia Museum in New York, it would attract a lot more tourists than any of our art museums. One perverse-sounding tourist was even overheard by me asking which of the Italian restaurants here offers a Mafia Don's Favorite Pizza."

---"The challenge that New York presents is to figure out which of the many creative people here are actually civil and law-abiding. I want all of my creative friends to be civil and law-abiding. Otherwise, my so-called friends might come up with a creative murder plot in which I'm a planned victim."

---"I don't personally feel comfortable with the trend toward New Yorkers in their wills asking to be buried with their favorite painting. That denies the rest of us the opportunity to enjoy that artwork."

---"She keeps a diary exclusively containing updates about which New Yorkers she's added to her list of suspects, in the event something ever happens to her. Unfortunately, she's told enough people about her suspects-only diary, so now even her enemies know about it. If they break into her home, all they've got to do is steal her diary."

---"She keeps a diary exclusively containing the latest criminal-law suspects from her own life that she's identified. She says she wants to be helpful to New York City's Finest, in the event that one of her suspects puts her in a coma and she can't give NYPD an oral statement about it."

---"Mary Martin, the Peter Pan lady, was famous for being a very nice New Yorker, from what I was told here back in the 1980s. But lately I haven't heard of anyone. Do you think our City should confer an annual 'New York's Nicest' award? That might help."

----"One of the great ironies of New York life is that even though our great quarterback is from Mississippi, I don't know of any great Southern restaurant here. If we ever get one, they should call it Eli's."

---"After Eli Manning fell apart in the playoffs, it was like getting a Mississippi Mud Pie thrown in my face."

---"I feel sorry for the Phoebes of the world. They're the ones always going without a date while the Rachels and Monicas have full romantic lives."

---"I still feel that the movie 'Sleepless in Seattle' should have been set in New York. Sleeplessness is a big lifestyle tradition here, we're famous for it. But if the movie had been set in New York, the title would have been 'Sleepless in New York'. I have to agree that wouldn't have had quite the same ring to it."

----"My boyfriend and I have a debate going about who is prettier---Rachel or Monica. We thought we'd resolve the debate by inviting Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox to dinner, so we could study them up close. What do you think the chances are that they'd attend?"

---"We have so many New Yorkers who never get the sleep they need, that I sometimes wonder if they're part of a sleepwalking religious cult. Maybe they see it as communing with God by being half-asleep all the time."

---"What protects me from ever appearing in Liz Smith's gossip column is that I am drug-free, alcohol-free, tobacco-free, law-abiding, idealistic, clean-talking, and I keep my hands to myself. With me, there's nothing to write about."

---"If there's a God of Sleep, New Yorkers are probably the one city in the entire world that deity hates the most. New Yorkers are so defiant of a Sleep God that they get less sleep at night than the residents of any other city in the world."

---"What New York City desperately needs is a 24-hour-a-day hotline for insomniacs who have tried everything else. Maybe talking to a sleep counselor on the telephone will help them to fall asleep."

---"My clergyman's sermon about the moral lessons from Madoff's life contained the word allegedly more times than I've ever heard in a religious sermon. I think our clergyman had the text of his sermon reviewed in advance by an attorney."

---"He is so chintzy that when he meets you for a lunch date in a restaurant, he points out that he's very fond our our city's Dutch heritage, and he believes in 'going Dutch' as a way of honoring our European heritage."

---"Have you ever sensed that Jane Pauley's life would have turned out differently, had she married a comedian instead of a satirist? I often sense that she has not had enough good belly laughs in her life."

---"The one city I dislike the most is Minneapolis. They claim to be the 'Mini-Apple', but they are nothing like New York! They don't even have a subway system, which is an inexcusable void for a city with that severe of a climate."

---"Stephanie says she has come up with a theory about the interior-decor consultants of New York. Her theory is that many of them are on the take. When they visit your home, they do a mental inventory of all the valuable items you have, then they share that info with the criminal element. This is Stephanie's theory, anyway."

---"Heidi has become so concerned about crime in New York that she won't even order home-delivery pizzas anymore. She says she's worried the delivery boy will find a way to peek into her apartment, and then share what he saw with a burglary ring that pays him for his scouting reports."

---"I try to look upon these youth gangs of New York as Boy Scouts at heart who never had a good Scoutmaster in their troop. Maybe the Boy Scout leaders should establish a special former Street Gang Members Boy Scouts troop here, in order to prove my point."

---"Personally, I would love to see our Mayor preside over a public Youth Gangs Forum at which questions are invited from members of the general public. My question would be, 'Have you illicit-youth-gang members considered joining a fraternity instead? Wouldn't that be more fun for you, in the long run?'"

---"What we need is a new map of New York that re-defines our city in terms of illicit youth gang-controlled districts. That's the reality of New York life today. Wall Street is mere background to the illicit youth gang that controls our financial district."

---"I'm sure there's plenty of tourist demand for a group tour through New York's youth-gang districts. A lot of our tourists would be intrigued by that type of group tour here, provided the youth gang agreed in advance to be polite toward them at all times."

---"All the professional sociologists who visit New York want to observe a real-life illicit-youth gang up close and in person. When they ask me where to go for that, I tell them they could start with the New York Youth Gang Studies Institute. I have no idea whether any such institute exists, but at least I always sound very confident and authoritative when I offer that referral. This is what defines a New Yorker: he never falters in referring tourists to institutes here that may or may not exist."

---"I would love to find out whether NYPD has compiled a special Illicit Youth Gang Photo File, and what percentage of our city's youths are found in that file."

---"I wonder why you never hear about the parents of these illicit-youth gang members. It just now crossed my mind that not all of those parents are proud of their kids."

---"I worry about the movie producers who offer bribe money to these illicit-youth gang members, asking them to do that again in front of a movie camera for money. No one cares about morals any more, so long as the screen presence has sensational impact to it, and lots of youth-gangs here are getting rich from portraying a youth gang in these commercial movie productions."

---"I'm just grateful that I never see any teenage girls in these illicit youth gangs. But there may well be some girls who disguise themselves as boys, in order to qualify for membership in an illicit youth gang."

---"Our challenge as a city is to help each of these illicit youth gangs turn into licit youth gangs. I look upon it as the Boy Scoutification of New York that we urgently need."

---"So what happens to an illicit youth gang member when he turns 21? Does he join the Mafia, at that point?"

---"The sociologists I've spoken with say that studying the Puerto Rican community here is particularly enlightening, since they're quite a rarity outside of New York. In fact, I'll bet we have more Puerto Ricans in New York City than in all of Puerto Rico!"

--"Driver, take me to the finest Puerto Rican restaurant in all of New York, please."

--"I can't figure out how these illicit youth gangs operate. Does one gang leader make all decisions for his entire group, or do all the members get to vote on any actions to be pursued by their group."

---"If Fred were given a mental association test by his psychologist, and his psychologist verbalized the proper noun, 'Puerto Rico,' Fred would immediately reply with 'rum'. It's a bit of a PR problem for our Puerto Rican community. Employers here tend to imagine huge bottles of rum in the background whenever they interview a Puerto Rican job applicant. 'Do you drink yours straight or on the rocks,' the employer might as well ask during that job interview."

---"With all the crises we New Yorkers face every year, I wish CUNY would require all of its freshmen to take Crisis Management class. You can't possibly survive in New York unless you respond well to crises. Plus, a class like that could help to reduce the freshman-suicide rate at CUNY."

---"Do you whether our Statue of Liberty has had a facelift yet? She's old enough to qualify for one, I would think."

---"A friend of mine who likes the United Nations says he plans to open up a 'United Nations Restaurant' here, with 1 percent of all net sales going to the UN, that features a menu item from each nation represented at the UN. That gives you a chance to order an appetizer from Tunisia, followed by a main dish from Australia, followed by a dessert from India. Do you think there's a risk of the customers of that restaurant becoming a bit dizzy-headed from it all?"

---"So which garden in the Garden State appeals to you the most? It bothers me that I still can't cite any public garden in New Jersey that I like quite a bit."

--"If New Jersey has no public garden that appeals to you, maybe you should write to New Jersey's Governor and suggest that their state motto be changed. Maybe that motto should be, 'Submarine Sandwich Hub of America.' Otherwise, 'Our Meatballs are Spicier' might do. Otherwise, 'The State Made Famous by the Soprano Family' might work."


---"The New Yorkers who ridicule New Jersey on a year-round basis find it difficult to acknowledge that Princeton University is also situated in New Jersey. 'That's New Jersey's famous anomaly,' is the way most New Yorkers refer to Princeton, if you press them on the subject."


---"You tend to forget that New Jersey was good enough for Albert Einstein, dear. He agreed to live in our neighboring state for many years of his life."

---"If New York is the Empire State, then who's our Emperor? Is he the guy up there in Albany, or someone else?"

---"My cousin from Florida says she was very disappointed to learn that White Plains, New York, is not a resort city famous for its lovely white sand dunes."

---"My eight-year-old son wants to know how far up in the air does the City of New York have jurisdiction? He's wondering whether any of the skyscrapers on Manhattan are so tall that their top floor is beyond the jurisdiction of NYPD, and at that height, who has legal authority? Would it be NASA?"

---"Do you know whether the Museum of Modern Art sells modern-art wallpaper? I've been trying to give my home a 21st Century look indoors."

---"What we definitely need in this city is a 'Book of New York Trivia'. For instance, just how tall was King Kong? I need to know that height statistic, or otherwise I'd feel like a fraudulent New Yorker."

---"The minute I tell a guy that I don't do any illicit drugs, I notice a frown on his face. What does that tell you about single men in New York these days?"

---"The only type of novel I won't read here in New York are murder mysteries. Murder mysteries hit too close to home for me. I have spent most of my life in New York trying to answer the question, 'Who would have done it, if something had happened to me here?' That's the type of 'who done it' mystery that can drive you crazy. On any given day, even the elevator operators here can be classified as suspects."

--"My entire life as a New Yorker has been a 'who done it' without any dead body."

---"I try to avoid dating guys who on first meeting ask me if I would like to see all of the tattoos on their body."

--"What our city desperately needs is a public forum on vigilanteism in New York. I have mixed emotions about the Guardian Angels, for instance, and I'd love to hear a panel discussion on that topic."

---"It surprises me we don't also have a 'Con Artists' Colony', as many of them as there are here in New York."

---"I wish our media would publicize the favorite fruit juice of our Mayor. Then maybe I could persuade my 9-year-old son to drink fruit juice. He has been saying for months that the only beverages he'll go for are the ones that give him a nice fizz. My son finds that more exciting in a beverage, he says."

---"When you look around you in New York, do you ever think you've gleaned insight into the fall of ancient Rome?"

---"My cousin from Cleveland wants to know where in Manhattan is the Statue honoring the Earl of York. My cousin, a bit of a history buff, says New York was obviously named after the Earl of York, so my cousin expects to find a statue of that famous earl when he visits here next month. I told my cousin that no one ever mentions the earl in the section of New York where I live."

---"I'm so grateful that New York is not under Dutch control anymore. If it were, all the restaurants here would be offering marijuana brownie appetizers, and I would find that very disgusting. Fine-dining should not be something you pursue to satisfy a vulgar craving for 'munchies.'"

---"If New York City were still under Dutch control, all of the restaurants here would be offering Munchie Specials of the Day. Can you imagine facing that crass term, Munchie Special of the Day, everywhere you went in New York?"

---"At least with our Guardian Angels, I'm 99 percent sure they'll go to Heaven if they get killed while being noble at the time."

---"I wonder whether membership in the Guardian Angels looks good on the resume. There must be some employers that prefer to hire Guardian Angels. I just wonder whether it gets mentioned during the job interview, though."

---"One of my hobbies is to study how New Yorkers are portrayed in fictional television shows. It seems that we either commit murders, attempt to solve murders, or pursue sex in the city. Even my aunt back in South Dakota wants to know how I avoid getting murdered, and how I avoid having an excessive amount of sex as a New Yorker. My aunt says she doesn't think it's a good idea to have sex more than once a month, based on what she's experienced in South Dakota."

---"She's like a walking United Nations. From what I understand, she's among the many New Yorkers who can trace their ancestry to 60 different foreign countries. It defies the imagination, that anyone could have 60 different ancestral heritages---a feat of physics, when you think about it. But she says she's a recently certified member of the New York chapter of the Heinz 57 Americans Society. Apparently, she spent six years doing the research needed in order to qualify for membership in the Heinz 57 Americans Society."

--"Does it strike you as a sign of the times that the leading anti-drug crusader in New York these days gets far less media publicity here than our city's drug dealers do. In fact, who is the leading anti-drug crusader in New York these days? I have no idea who that would be."

---"I just spoke with a drug dealer in New York who had the audacity to claim that he is just like an auto dealer, except that he gives his clients the opportunity to take a trip without any gasoline needed. This disgusting drug dealer with chutzpah claims he's helping New Yorkers to conserve on fossil fuels, so he expects to receive a philanthropy award for that someday!"

---"Are you completely sure that Times Square precisely matches the geometrical dimensions of a square, and that any geometry teacher in New York could confirm this for me?"

---"As a New Yorker, I call 911 so often that even the dispatchers address me on a first-name basis. That's no mean feat, in a city with millions of residents. I'm hoping to host a 911 Dispatchers and 911 Frequent Callers social-mixer party sometime soon, so I can finally connect the faces of those helpful 911 dispatchers with the voices I'm talking to every day of the year when I identify the latest crises and incidents."

---"So which New Yorker deserves the Most Vigilant Local Citizen award for 2008? It's a sign of the times here that no one knows which New Yorker called 911 the most times last year. That alert New Yorker deserves a gold medal, I would say, especially if his reports to disptachers were half-way accurate."

---"I don't blame the bagel bakers of New York for hating Dr. Adkins. But he's dead now, so they're only kicking a coffin. They are free to dislike his diet plan, since they claim it robs them of bagel-order business, but they shouldn't dislike Dr. Adkins himself!"

---"I like the variety we get in our newspapers. The New York Times pledges that it limits its news coverage to tasteful items only---'all the news that's fit to print,' as they put it. A world of gentlemen and ladies: even the terrorists get a courtesy title just before their names in Times coverage. The New York Post, on the other hand, pledges to limit its news coverage to tasteless items only. All of the headlines in the Post have a way of screaming at you and getting you so full of raw rage that you might do something reckless and the next day end up as a front-page Post story about the latest New Yorker on a hysterical and deranged spree of some type."

---"Do you ever wonder whether any of the Manhattan buildings of today are haunted by the ghosts of 9-11's victims? I can almost imagine that as a front-page story in 'The New York Post'."

---"The one holiday of the year I dread the most is Valentine's Day. It's the one day of the year when everyone asks me who I love the most, and why I haven't shown my love for anyone on that special day? I have even bought a special heart-shaped cake mold, so at least I've baked a heart-shaped cake that day that I can present to anyone asking me what I've done to prove my love for a fellow New Yorker on Valentine's Day. I usually eat that entire cake myself that same night, and the next morning I wake up two pounds heavier."

---"I feel sorry for all those heart patients in New York whose wife or husband wants to give them a nice box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. I have never heard of a box of chocolates for Valentine's Day that's actually endorsed by cardiologists."

---"I disagree with those who say that you should always head for an Italian restaurant for Valentine's Day. The high divorce rate in Italy these days is not exactly appetizing on a romantic day like this. Besides, I hate being reminded about the violent murder of St. Valentine in Italy, when I'm dining out. I realize it probably wasn't a Mafia slaying, back in those days. However, I heard recently that Vietnamese cuisine is actually the best ethnic cuisine for your heart. Why not take your love mate to a Vietnamese restaurant for Valentine's Day?"

---"I question the judgment of my 13-year-old son's geometry teacher. She says the only way to teach her entire class about squares, in concrete terms, is to take all of her students with her on a class field trip to Times Square. The last time she took her students to Times Square, from what I understand, she and half of her students got arrested for public lewdness."

---"I wish that each of the trees of New York had identification markers posted in front of them. It would help me to memorize the name of that very rare botanical occurrence in this city. Otherwise, there's a tendency for me to think of trees as abstract nouns."

---"As a New Yorker, I spend half of my time politely saying 'No thanks, I'm straight' to the many male strangers here who approach me on the sidewalk. Maybe I should record a tactfully worded 'no thanks' message on my cell phone that I could play back to each of those strangers."

---"I find it a curious commentary on New York life today that whenever I identify myself to anyone as being straight, the majority of New Yorkers I'm speaking with suddenly have this bizarre panicky look on their face. Some of them will even ask me if I'm with the FBI, and if so, they would like to call their attorney."


---"Do you think the five-course dinner in local restaurants died with the Stock Market Crash of 2008?"

---"My new strategy is to only apply for employment at green companies. It's a new law of the jungle for New York: The environmentaly-friendly green companies are the only ones that will survive."

---"The only persons guaranteed of not getting laid off are the CEOs. The CEOs never get laid off; they just get fired."

---"Fred is so determined to publicize the fact that his company is green, that he's ordered a complete new look in his office's interior decor, with everything in shades of green. Fred is hoping it will get his point across to potential investors."

---"With all the actors we have in New York, you'd think that they could at least fake a confident, cheerful look on their faces. Instead, every New Yorker I see has panic written on his face. Why pursue a career in acting, if you can't even pretend to be joyous when you're observed in public?"

---"I'm seeing an increase in the number of New Yorkers relocating to abandoned islands. They are trying to beat the economic slump by moving to a virgin territory that has no economy at all. Many of them are citing Leonardo DiCaprio as their inspiration. They're all claiming that they fled to a wilderness island in order to save the environment. None of them have given a thought to the possibility that they could get eaten whole by some of the wild animals on the island they've moved to."

---"She begins to cry if the waiter at our dining table describes the 'special of the day' as having been beaten or whipped. It's obvious her most recent boyfriend was very cruel, but she still refuses to press charges."

---"Harold is so romantic. For Valentine's Day, he invited me to accompany him on a romantic helicopter ride above each of the skyscrapers of New York. Harold said he wanted to tell me the intriguing story about how each of those skyscrapers came into being."

---"Does it bother you to sense that you in your entire life, may never be invited to give a speech before the General Assembly of the United Nations?"

----"The only advantage to being a public figure in New York is that you could get seated faster in restaurants here. But you're also more likely to be subjected to food poisoning by your waiter after you get seated, since the waiters here often have axes to grind against any public figure with political beliefs they despise."

----"I get tired of being called a private citizen all the time. It sounds like I've got something to hide, when I couldn't imagine what that would be. I almost never wear sunglasses, I don't mind anyone checking to see whether my pupils are dilated."

---"My cousin David is so strategic as a New Yorker that he alternates betweeen dining out in Arab restaurants and dining out in Jewish delicatessens. David says he wants to cover his rear, in view of the recent massive increase in Arab financial investment in New York."

---"I couldn't think of marrying Paul until he hands me a list of his 20 leading fears. I need to know that about him to decide whether we'd be compatible. If he shrieks at mice and I love mice, that could ruin our marriage."

---"My niece from Cincinnati says that whenever she visits New York, she has cheese on her mind throughout her entire visit. She says that she thinks of New York as The Big Apple, and she loves to combine eating apple slices with eating squares of cheese, she says. The cheese serves as a nice chaser to the apple, she says."

---"What I need is a Philanthropist's Map of New York, so I can focus exclusively on visting the places here where New Yorkers are at their finest and most philanthropic."

---"New York is the only city in America where when someone dies, you politely comment that 'they've gone to that big skyscraper in the sky.'"

---"The most convincing New Yorker I ever saw was Annie Hall. I don't think anyone I've ever seen since that lady from Wisconsin made her debut here, has ever struck me as being for-real and authentic."

---"You have to wonder whether our Mayor ever calls 911, or does he have a lieutenant who does that for him."

---"The economic depression arrived just in time. Here I was planning to develop a hobby of collecting expensive paintings from around the world. Thanks to the financial depression here, I've dropped that idea in favor of buying $10 posters at Wal-Mart that put a smile on my face. I'm into low-brow art, you might say, and I was not even aware I had a low brow."

---"Does it ever upset you to recall that a New Yorker was the one who made Campbell's soup famous worldwide?"

---"This is the only city I know where each of the residents take pride in having come up with the best-ever witty insults that they have hurled at cited enemies of theirs. The biggest surprise about New York, in fact, is that there is no 'New Yorkers' "Famous Last Words" Book of Insults' containing memorable quips and one-liner put-downs verbalized by real-life New Yorkers to individuals who irked them or annoyed them or enraged them, whether in the modern era or in prior centuries."

---"New York is not a city for the prudish. It is impossible to walk anywhere in New York without someone rubbing up against you and thrilling to your own body heat. That's especially true during subzero-temperature days here in New York. On days like that, it often seems as if half of New York City is trying to get a free feel out of you when you happen to be walking in a crowded outdoor area."

---"I don't know anyone in New York who doesn't get the Off-Off-Broadway confused with the Off-Broadway, and the Off-Broadway confused with the Broadway, on any given day. You might say we have three layers of Broadway here. And probably next year we'll have an Off-Off-Off-Broadway, too, giving us four Broadways here."

---"I never know what to say when I meet an actor at a cocktail party who tells me that the movies he performs in tend to downplay dialogue. I'm almost afraid to ask him what his movies do highlight. Would that be facial expressions, primarily?"

----"I just spoke with a private detective in New York. He told me that after 22 consecutive years of secretly videotaping a single lady in New York whom he has been intrigued by, he finally concluded with confidence that she might be honest and law-abiding enough for him to consider dating in his personal life. But when he then approached her and asked that lady out on a date, she politely declined, saying she might have responded differently had he asked her out 22 years ago. She then politely added that her tastes in men have changed quite a bit in the last 22 years."

---"I'm one of the many New Yorkers who wonder where the Albanian delegation at The United Nations dine out here. I've never heard of an Albanian-style restaurant in New York. It breaks my heart to think of the entire Albanian delegation here without a single restaurant in all of New York that they can call their own. But I'd have to contact the Albanian Embassy to be sure about that."

---"Wouldn't it be intriguing to compile a new restaurant-critics book about New York in which each of the restaurant reviews is written by a staff member or official of a foreign embassy in New York who is a native of that foreign country, and who has been asked to write a critique of a highly-rated restaurant in New York that claims to offer authentic cuisine from that embassy's foreign nation."

---"When you jog outdoors in New York, which scenery do you like the best for that? I am planning to establish an online website dedicated to that important question."

---"I'm trying to encourage my 8-year-old son to read more books, so I've asked some members of the New York Yankees pro baseball team to each autograph a bookmarker with a nice personal message to my son about the value of reading. I have told my son that this is proof that the New York Yankees team members all love to read--they're all scholar- athletes, I tell my son. My son is always thrilled when I hand him a Yankee-autographed bookmarker and then encourage him to find a place for it. That helps him to conceptualize the importance of books: they give him a place in which to put that special bookmarker he adores."

---"I used to think that life was a series of elegant dinner parties that I'd be hosting or attending. I now regard life as a series of half-asleep breakfast-cereal experiences while half-listening to a television news show in my tiny apartment."

--"I have always found the Albanian delegation at the UN to be a bit confusing. You'd expect them to have European tastebuds based on where they're from, but their rather distinctive country has made so many deals with China that it's just as likely that the Albanian delegates dine in Chinese restaurants here in New York. Isn't that fascinating?"

---"She's so fashion-obsessed that she told me her cell phone has to be a designer cell phone, or otherwise she'd suffer the worst possible humiliation--the humiliation of being called unfashionable."

---"I took my 7-year-old son to a ballet performance, and he told me wants to know why grown-ups are dressed in pajamas like that."

---"Those who complain that New York and New Jersey have nothing in common are very mistaken. Both states share the Hudson River."

----"When gangsters toss dead bodies into the Hudson River, are those Mafia thugs hoping the dead body will be discovered on the Jersey side of the river or the New York side? Which is the easier state for a mob lawyer to successfully defend his client in?"

---"Does the concept of interior decor also apply to efficiency apartments? As a tenant in an efficiency apartment here, I find that the only interior decor issue I've got room for is which wall calendar do I want to display?"

---"Does it give you the creeps to recall that the most famous song about New York came from an entertainer with mob connections."

---"He is so into modern issues that he recently bought a Global Warming Effect wall calendar that highlights each month of the year as too warm."

---"Jerry is the first boyfriend of mine I cared enough about to register for a CPR course. If Jerry falls unconscious in our Manhattan apartment, he'll be my first boyfriend ever whom I'll be willing to perform artificial resuscitation on. My entire life before Jerry was a series of weak boyfriends who never inspired me to learn CPR. With Jerry, though, it's just a matter of learning how to blow, and where, if that type of crises ever occurs."

---"Do you know what percentage of all the married people in New York would state in response to a survey that they have actually learned how to perform CPR on their spouse, if their spouse ever fell unconscious? Wouldn't it be rather dishonest by a married person to claim to love their mutual-consent spouse without knowing how to perform CPR on that marriage partner?"

---"Herb recently admitted to me that he knows more about the terms of my life insurance policy, and who the cited beneficiary and amount of the 'payoff,' as Herb puts it, would be if anything happened to me, than he does about how to perform CPR on me if I were to fall unconscious inside our home. I can't say that I trust Herb as much as I did a year ago. His ignorance about how to save my life with CPR is very sobering to me."

---"I recently met a Columbia University professor who says he's an expert on the sociology of noise pollution in modern society. He is offering me $100 if I agree to be interviewed by his Columbia research team, which will enable their research team to determine whether I'd qualify as being an actual victim of noise pollution in New York. I told him I'm an expert on that subject, and my sore eardrums every day of the year prove my point."

---"Do you plan to attend that public lecture on noise pollution that will feature actual replications of each category of noise pollution that New Yorkers have to endure every day. My personal reaction is that the realism of that lecture sounds a bit too grim for me. Besides, I worry that the entire lecture would fall on deaf ears."

---"The severe noise pollution here makes me wonder whether our municipal elections are primarily held to decide which deaf persons of New York will lead the dumb persons of New York who voted for them."

---"My wife's been unemployed for the last three months, and she's developed some surprising habits lately. The other day I entered our home unexpectedly and found Samantha studying the fine print of my life insurance policy. I can't imagine why she would be interested in that, since I already told her she'd get $1 million if I were to drop dead at some point. And she already knows that I'm in very fine health, and I'm expecting to live to age 95. Maybe she's wondering how she's going to pay her bills several decades from now during what would have been my 96th year."

---"My policy is to never tell anyone who my cited beneficiaries are. This is the number one rule of crime deterrence in New York City. Otherwise, everywhere I go in New York, someone is going to be asking me, 'My friends and I have a bet going on whether your wife will stay honorable for as long as 12 straight months, now that you've given her a $1 million incentive to do you in. Would you like to join us on that bet, and pray that you don't lose everything on that one."

---"The only thing I like about my husband is my certainty that everyone in New York knows he'd be the most obvious suspect if anything ever happens to me. No matter what alibi he comes up with, one of my friends will prove his alibi claim was a flagrant lie."

---"No one ever told me before that there's such as thing as a Mafia-style dance tradition in New York. Is that the dance you do to avoid getting riddled with bullets?"

---"I wonder why I never see a statue honoring the local counterparts to the Great Presidents national monument at Mount Rushmore. If we're the Greatest City in the World, then why don't we have a monument honoring each of our greatest mayors?"

---"My teenage son is studying Spanish History, and he wants to know whether Mayor LaGuardia had anything to do with the Guardia Civil of Spain. I assured my son that Mayor LaGuardia was anti-Fascist, but I need to research that some more."

---"My daughter is an expert on crime prevention. She says she wants to get a quickie divorce, since she didn't like the tone in her new husband's voice when he said 'to death do us part' at their wedding ceremony yesterday."

---"I would define a true gentleman in New York as the kind of guy who, upon entering a men's restroom, always washes his hands before he walks to the urinal."

---"Myself, I would define a true gentleman in New York as the kind of guy who, in walking away from the urinal inside a men's restroom, always washes his hands in the sink. Just think of all the germs he spares the rest of New York from being exposed to!"

---"Have you ever wondered what percentage of the honks you hear from motorists in New York are courtesy honks designed to serve as very polite reminders?"

---"I would love to find a computer data base with all of the poems that have ever been written about noise pollution in New York. Do you think the New York Public Library would help me with that research project?"

---"If New York City had a Verbal Harassment Victims political-action group, everyone in the entire city would qualify for membership. I have never once met a fellow New Yorker who claimed he lacked victim status in that category."

---"Unfortunately, my Scottish ancestry doesn't qualify me as someone with ethnic chic. My only hope is to marry someone with 10 exotic ancestral heritages, most of them southern European and Asian. That will give me ethnic chic identity by marriage, which enhances my social stature here in New York."

---"I would love to see a movie in which Woody Allen appears to be happy for more than two consecutive minutes. So far, I've never seen that happen."

---"I wanted to write a poem about pigeons, but I was told that it's already been done."

---"I never understood the meaning of Washington Square. Is this where President Washington used to hang out, back when our nation's capital was in New York City?"

---"I've sometimes suspected that the aspirin industry pays New Yorkers to inflict headaches on tourists here. That drives up consumer demand for aspirin, and adds millions of dollars to New York's economy each year."

---"My sense of having a New York heritage translates into my feeling like a ward of the state on a year-round basis. New York City used to be divided into wards."

---"I find it ironic that we all care about who our postal carrier is, but no one ever wants to shake hands with their garbage collector here in New York. The garbage collector is actually seeing all kind of intimate items from my everyday life---he knows me that way much better than my postal carrier does. My postal carrier can only guess about my intimate life."

---"She's so worried about being victimized by crime in New York that she shreds all of her trash in order to avoid sharing any intimate facts about herself with the garbage collector. She's been worried for years that her garbage collector might be on the take---accepting bribes from organized crime in exchange for reports he provides the Mafia about the contents of her garbage."

----"He has lots of fantasies about barmaids here, but generally ends up having chats with metermaids instead. His complaint is that it isn't romantic for him to meet a young lady in a context in which she's accusing him of owing money to the City of New York. He finds the metermaids to be a turn-off, from that standpoint."

---"So who writes the gossip columns about Liz Smith?"

---"Can you ever remember any man or male youth who was ever once interviewed by Barbara Walters without being asked about his romantic life?"

---"She recently installed a videocamera greeting anyone who enters her Manhattan apartment. She likes to humor each of her male dating partners by greeting them with, 'Welcome to Wal-Mart!' as they enter her living room."

---"My friend Sally says everyone in New York has potential genius as a murder-mystery novelist with a different kind of sleuth in mind. Sally says that everyone in New York spends half of their days and nights imagining themselves as a homicide detective for NYPD who specializes in identifying the persons most likely to attempt to murder that same detective. It seems that the homicide detective is rather self-absorbed: the only potential victim he ever identifies is himself."

---"My English professor friend tells me that the most tragic aspect about murders in New York is that the murdered person was deprived of the opportunity to write an autobiography or memoirs that might have gotten published. Just think of all the very fine literature in New York that is lost to civilization because of homicidal violence in our city, my English professor friend says. Personally, I feel that my friend's outlook toward homicide is a bit heartless and sterile; but I'd hate to hurt his feelings by telling him so."

---"My friend Teresa tells me she refuses to be seen eating Italian meatballs in restaurants here, since she doesn't want to make a blatantly Freudian statement like that in public."

---"My friend Erica is afraid that if some Italian guy were to see her eating meatballs in a Manhattan restaurant, he might interpret that as a sign she's willing to go all the way with him. The very idea of being seen eating meatballs in public is repugnant to Erica, and I don't blame her. I did mention to her, though, that Erica can always order her meatballs from the restaurant as a take-out item. That way, no one would ever see her actually eating meatballs in a public place."

---"One of the eerie things about living in New York is that 99 percent of your relationships here are strictly-career-related. If you happen to run into that person in the supermarket, they'd either ignore you or hand you their latest professional calling card in lieu of saying hello."

---"Even the funerals here in New York primarily attract the deceased's former professional associates. Many of the so-called mourners are busy exchanging calling cards and making new contacts throughout the eulogy."

---"I wonder why we don't have a skyscraper anywhere in New York that's named after King Kong. He was definitely our most famous visitor to New York, so you'd think he'd at least have a tall building here named after him."

---"All my relatives in West Virginia ask me if there's an Ape Museum where they can find a King Kong exhibit here when they visit the Big Apple. I hate to disappoint them, but I don't know of any ape museum here that caters to tourists' expectations."

---"I don't drink tea at all. Do you know of a High Coffee group here? I might be a good match for that type of group."

---"I wish I owned a New York City Almanac, so I could immediately find out whether we've ever had a hurricane here. I don't remember any, at least."

---"Yesterday my 8-year-old son asked me just how long is Long Island, and I didn't know the answer. So I told my son that maybe he could compile a New York Almanac during his leisuretime that would provide the factual answer to that question on page 22. My son said he's willing to do that, if I can promise him a publisher and payment of money in advance. Kids these days are very savvy about business deals."

---"My 10-year-old son Carl is more of an entrepreneur than I am, so I thought I'd nominate Carl for a Junior Entrepreneur of the Year Award. However, I don't know which organization offers an award of that type. In the meantime, my son is always asking me why he hasn't received that award yet. He's planning on citing that award as one of his credentials when he applies to Harvard someday."

---"New Yorkers' nightmares tend to be unique. My most recurrent nightmare during my sleep is of standing near a window on the 100th floor of a skyscraper here, and suddenly a big crowd comes along and someone bumps me over the ledge of a window that's open. I am falling 100 floors without a parachute! This would definitely rank among the top 10 fears of all New Yorkers. Maybe we should all carry parachutes with us at all times, in order to anticipate worst-case scenarios in Manhattan."

---"I always hate it when my friend Paul mispronounces 'hors d'ouevres' from the menu if I'm dining out with him. He always explains that he never studied French, so for him, it makes sense to pronounce the 'h', since it reminds him of saying 'horse, except you drop the e,' Paul points out. Some of the waitresses we've had waiting on us in restaurants here in Manhattan get pretty upset about it."

---"I would love to find out the various altitudes of each of the press conferences our mayor has held here. Which press conference did our mayor hold at his all-time highest altitude? As a New Yorker, I'm always looking for variety."

---"I was very disappointed when a longtime New Yorker told me the other day that in New York, your jewelry and your make-up are what define you. Since I never wear any jewelry or make-up, this proves I'm a Manhattan Nobody, that savvy insider had the audacity to tell me."

---"You ask me to cite the occasion when I will begin to trust our Mayor. The day he turns someone in to the District Attorney's Office for attempting to bribe himself as an elective official, will be the very first day I begin to trust our Mayor."

---"So which season of life are you experiencing, now that we're finally having lunch together at Four Seasons restaurant."

----"Lately I've been wondering whether Mayor LaGuardia was close friends with Joe DiMaggio. I love the idea of a Hollywood movie about their lifelong friendship, but this is all assuming they got together for ravioli dinners on a regular basis."

----"My 8-year-old son has come up with a career ambition: He wants to become owner of the FAO Schwarz Toy store in Manhattan. As owner, my son's policy will be to never sell any item he hasn't played with first on his own for at least 10 consecutive hours."

---"My 7-year-old son came up with a great idea for FAO Schwarz toy store. He wants to see an all-child panel of consultants to that store appointed, with each of the children serving on that advisory panel being guaranteed of a $100,000 college scholarship down the road. I told my son to write up his proposal, and then submit it to the store manager."

---"The New Yorkers I feel sorry for the most are the professional landscapers. They have so little room to work with. But they can always plant bonzai trees, in order to make the most of the land available outdoors."

---"The downturn in the economy is going to spawn a big increase in the number of dysfunctional households here. I'm already dreading what that will translate into in my neighborhood."

---"Don't ever get married to a media company. If you do, you'll find you have no privacy rights anymore, and you will want to file for divorce from that media company within a matter of days. Then, when you cite mental cruelty by that media company as your reason for requesting a divorce, the judge will dismiss your complaint as frivolous."

---"This economic downturn has got me in a bind. I'm hooked on gourmet dining in restaurants, but I never bothered to take a gourmet cooking class. And now that my personal finances are very strapped, all I can do is savor my memories of artichoke salads I've enjoyed in restaurants here. I savor those memories while eating peanut butter sandwiches at home."

----"As a New Yorker, I have spent 99 percent of my life trying to prove to other New Yorkers that I'm honest and law-abiding, contrary to the nasty rumors about me they all say they've heard. That leaves me 1 percent of my life for non-defensive or creative living. So 1 day out of 100 is a lot of fun for me, here in New York. Maybe I should be grateful that I do get 3.65 days per year to enjoy."

---"Ever since Barack and Michelle Obama entered the White House, my daughter has been asking me why I don't take her on a trip to Hawaii, since the Obamas did it for their girls."

---"We always disagree about which New Yorkers are slaves to someone. Whenever I see a New York lady with a dog collar around her neck, I always feel sure that she's suffering from involuntary bondage at the hands of a sadistic slave master. But you always reply that there is no such thing as slavery in New York. You always say it's merely another case of a young lady heavily into Canine Chic. 'She probably speaks French poodle, as an alternative to the human language of French,' you always joke."

---"Maybe there should be a 'Most Degraded New Yorker of the Year' award, in order to remind all of the rest of us that it could be worse. 'Look at the one who won Most Degraded New Yorker of the Year, they're 5,000 percent more humiliated and abused and tortured than I am,' we'll all be saying."

---"I always hate it when a fellow New Yorker asks me if I'm staying out of trouble. Why would I ever be in trouble? I'm one of the good guys, for God's sake!"

---"The only 24-hour-a-day hotline service we ever really need here in New York is a 24-hour-a-day legal hotline service. Everyday living in New York brings up so many thorny legal issues for everyone, and many of those thorny issues come up at midnight, based on my own experience. For instance, if my car gets towed at midnight, do I have any legal recourse at that hour?"

---"She treats her husband like a dog, so much so that she offers him a dog biscuit with each of the meals she serves him. Also, she has trained her husband to say 'Bow Wow' if he likes the meal she made for him."

---"I've finally come up with a creative idea for a new book. My book will be entitled 'Rooftop Dining,' and every page of my book will be a review I'll write about each of the rooftop restaurants of New York. So tell me, how many restaurants do you think I'll need to review, if I want to make my book complete and unabridged?"

---"The only thing that worries me about rooftop restaurants in New York is that if a fight breaks out between a customer and a waiter, the customer could end up flat on his face 20 stories below. Not an appetizing thought."

--"Whenever I dine in a rooftop restaurant in New York, I always try to be doubly nice to the waiters and managers. Otherwise, they might tell me to take a flying leap, so to speak."

---"The closest thing we New Yorkers have to the celebrity footprints in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater are the dents in our sidewalks caused by unlucky diners in rooftop restaurants who got violently evicted."

---"He's so cynical that when I presented him with my criminal-history record, showing that I have no criminal-law convictions, his only reply was, 'Maybe the law-enforcement agency that issued this to you made a mistake. Maybe there's been a criminal-law conviction against you that you and that law-enforcement agnecy don't know about."

---"He's the only male New Yorker I know who, when he uses the bathroom, always leaves it cleaner than before he entered it."

--"St. Valentine's Day, for me, is always a reminder that romantic love is closer to martyrdom than anything you would actually experience during your lifetime."

---"The only accents I worry about in New York are the phony accents. If someone is faking his accent, he could be from Brazil or Mexico or Romania while claiming to be from Italy. And if he lies about where he's from, he's likely to be a shyster who'll steal money from you while you're still distracted from trying to figure out his REAL native country."

---"I wonder how long it will be before we get our first Obama Statue here in New York."

---"Personally, I'd like to see a 'Meet Barack, Michelle and the Girls' statue at a public park here. I think the First Family would prefer that everyone in their household get included in that statue."

---"Every time my Italian-born wife and I get in a fight, she shouts that she will leave me and demand asylum from the Italian Embassy! She forgets that marital incompatiblity with an Amerian citizen won't earn her asylum from the Italian Government. She's more likely to end up in a lunatic asylum here in New York than receive political or religious asylum from Italy!"

---"I wish we had a civic group here called 'Idea Persons of New York.' I'm an Idea Person myself, but I often feel as if I'm surrounded by Anti-Idea Persons all day, and that can be quite severe."

---"My cousin is so into planning ahead that she is already writing chapter one of her memoirs at age 30. She says she wants her memoirs to be a work of perfection, she's going to devote the rest of her life to writing and re-writing each additional chapter. She says this is the best way she knows to be assured of posthumous immortality."

----"My husband is so juvenile in his leisuretime tastes that he tells me he's trying to talk that famous toy store into letting him join a FAO Schwarz Toy of the Month Club. That's Harry's idea of the type of club he'd like to be a lifelong member of. I can just see Harry at age 90, trying to decide which of the new toy options from FAO Schwarz he would like to have delivered directly to his home."

---"I worry about the taxi drivers in New York who get a reputation for being nice guys. The criminal element of New York keeps a list of all of the nice guys here, and you can be sure those nice guys are easy targets for thieves and robbers."

---"Maybe there should be a Young Men's Underwear Fashion Show in New York, as often as we New Yorkers get sneak previews on the latest underwear fashionwear whenever we happen to be minding our own business in public places. It often seems as if 80 percent of New York men under age 30 love to flaunt their taste in underwear fashion in public places. Maybe they're doing that, though, because they were paid by an underwear company to help promote that company's latest."

---"One survey I would dread reading the results from would be a survey asking New York men under age 30 to please state how many of the VCR and DVD movies they own in their home are X-rated. I am convinced that the majority of New York men of that age group own at least 20 X-rated movies inside their residence."

----"The prevalence of the X-rated movie scene in New York these days makes you wonder sometimes why the Oscar awards ceremony in Hollywood doesn't feature a special 'Best X-Rated Movie of the Year' award, which would almost always go to the movie garnering the 'Best X-Rated Actress' award. Come to think of it, maybe 'Best Supporting Actress' would be the highest award that an X-rated actress could ever garner. I don't believe there are any leading ladies in the X-rated cinema, since their voices don't project well from the prone position. And when they do get away from the prone position, their eternal bending exercises in front of the camera limit their emotional impact on the screen. 'She's obviously a good supporting actress,' I'm always thinking, when I do happen to evaluate a movie of that type."

----"I tried an experiment this month, in which I didn't call anyone during my leisuretime. I thought I'd wait to see who called me, which would give me an indication of which New Yorkers like me the most. To my surprise, my only phone calls all month came from debt collectors of New York. It seems they all have a big crush on me. They called me every day of the month, and they all seem to be obsessed with me. I told them to please don't call me on Valentine's Day, as I would find that kind of unrequited love from them very depressing."

----"There's no such thing as a New Yorker who smokes only one pack of cigarettes per day. Any New Yorker who smokes one pack is automatically smoking two packs. The second pack of cigarettes comes from the polluted air you breathe between puffs that destroys your lungs. I call it the Double-Whammy Effect for smokers here in New York."

----"I've always sensed that Donald Trump and Monty Hall had a lot in common. After all, the title for both of their biographies will read the same, at some point. That title is obviously going to be 'Let's Make a Deal.'"

----"Maybe the new book we need in New York is a new book about 'The Greatest Deal I Ever Made,' in which Donald Trump and other wheeler-dealers each tell their own story about the greatest deal they ever achieved. Myself, I consider it to be a Great Deal when I actually succeed at talking my 10-year-old son into eating broccoli at the family dinner table. I have to use all of my powers of persuasion on that, so I feel a bit like Donald Trump after my son has actually swallowed his first ounce of broccoli."

---"I've always find it ironic that 'The New York Times' boasts about being wholesome, while nearby Times Square boasts about offering all the news that's not fit to print."

---"As an apartment tenant all my life in New York, I sometimes feel like a quasi-communist. I have no idea of what it's like to actually own a tract of land or a building. Maybe I should purchase one square inch of New York soil somewhere, in order to prove that I'm not a communist!"

----"I used to dream of owning my own home. Now I dream of owning my own condominium, and it would be a mini-condo unit, at most, since that's all I could ever possibly afford 10 years from now. It would be a closet-size condo, a Tokyo-style condo unit, the bathroom so tiny that it would feature a toy toilet."

----"Since I don't believe in gambling, I can't possibly say what I would do if I won the New York Lottery. I'm guaranteed of never winning the lottery, since I never enter it. Then again, I'm also guaranteed of being low-income for life, which means I end up having to tell everyone how I cope with poverty, which can be a bore in its own way. I get tired of telling people about why I believe in peanut butter as a budget stretcher."

---"My 8-year-old son is wonderfully ambitious. When I asked him what he'd like for his birthday present, he said he'd like to be Mayor of New York City for a day. I told him I don't have the connections with our Mayor to give my son that particular present he craves. But I do happen to know the president of Columbia University, so I asked my son if he would settle for being President of Columbia University for a day as an alternative present?"

----"I just came up with a terrific idea for a new musical recording. It will be called, 'The Honks of New York,' and will feature a series of intriguing honking noises from the various irate motorists of New York City. I plan to advertise this recording as 'an authentic introduction to New York City life,' and I expect to make millions from that deal. I will promise consumers that this is the ideal music to wake up to in the morning, since they are guaranteed of getting out of bed ASAP."

----"As a law-abiding motorist, I find the traffic jams of New York City to be reassuring. They are the only occasion when New Yorkers actually drive within the speed limit. The chances of my getting rear-ended and subjected to a whiplash injury during a traffic jam are much lower than they would normally be."

----"My current work supervisor here in New York loves to brag that during his leisuretime he's an expert on the S&M scene, and this is makes him very cosmopolitan and savvy, he says. I always assumed his S&M hobby was all very innocent until I happened to spot a huge whip and a spiked paddle inside my boss's office the other day. Fortunately for me, I haven't been whipped or spanked yet by my boss. However, I have heard some shrieks of pain from coworkers when they were having one-to-one closed-door meetings with my boss inside his office."

---"My boss here in New York loves to tell his employees that his favorite writer is Marquis de Sade, since my boss identifies with S&M. So whenever my S&M boss gives me an assignment, I worry that I'll be disemboweled if he isn't happy with my work."

---"From what I understand, elective officials of New York are so worried about being linked to a prostitution scandal these days that they're hanging signs on the front door of their office that declare, 'No Soliciting Permitted Here.' One city official here even told me the other day that he is wearing a male counterpart to a chastity belt inside City Hall to protect his own integrity at all times. The only difficulty he's having is when he loses the key and he needs to use the restroom at City Hall.

"Still another City Hall official here in New York tells me he is looking for an Anti-Viagra Pill he can pop into his mouth whenever a tempting female constituent of his attempts to lead him astray. The Anti-Viagra Pill is designed to guarantee impotence in that male City of New York official for several consecutive hours, no matter how alluring a female constituent might prove to be. That married man tells me the Anti-Viagra Pill is the only way he knows to save his marriage and his career in government."

---"My 7-year-old son already has a book project in mind. He tells me he wants to write a book about the most noteworthy children and under-age teenagers of New York City's history, and what they each accomplished before they turned age 17. My son expects me to find a publisher for his book project by next week. Otherwise, he says he'll throw a massive temper tantrum at the next dinner party that my wife and I are hosting, which my son predicts would be very disastrous for me if my boss is attending that party. It feels like I'm being blackmailed by my 7-year-old son, but I don't have the option of turning my son in to NYPD and pressing formal charges."

----"I get tired of hearing that President Kennedy's only son was an under-achiever. John John must have been an over-achiever at something. But whenever I mention this to a fellow New Yorker, some smart aleck always replies, 'John John was an over-achiever at consumption of alcohol, and his career in the bar primarily consisted of spending a lot of time in bars, from what I understand.'"

---"I finally landed upon a great idea for a unique leisuretime hobby here in New York. I'm going to take photographs of every building in the world that's over 500 feet tall. I will call it my 'Super-Tall Buildings of the World Photo Collection.'"

---"Do you remember whether Batman of Gotham City fame ever played baseball? What I love about that is the newspaper headline it suggests: 'Mighty Batman at Bat.'"

---"So tell me, which beaches are better? The North or South Side of Long Island?"

---"I've noticed that elevatormaniacs are drawn to New York like flies to honey. They love to move here and ride the elevator up and down skyscrapers all day. It's a wonder they ever get anything accomplished, as much as the elevator scene here thrills them."

----"During flu season, I sometimes wish that New Yorkers would imitate the Tokyo residents by wearing surgical masks when those New Yorkers ride the subway. That would reduce the number of flu cases here by 50 percent."

----"Unfortunately, whenever anyone talks about New Yorkers sharing generously with others, the first word that pops into my head is 'diseases.' That is the only category of sharing in which 99 percent of New Yorkers definitely and without question excel. If you visit a public place in New York, the statistical probability of your catching the cold or the flu from the hundreds of New Yorkers you encounter there is shockingly high. It's the closest thing that many New Yorkers have to the concept of togetherness. 'In New York, we all contracted the flu together,' so to speak."

--"Personally, I've always looked upon New York as a great place for testing my immunity system. With all the bacteria and viruses being spread here by millions of people every day, I feel very hopeful that my immunity system is strengthened in the long run from being challenged here every day of my life."

---"New York City is a great tennis town, since the Super Bowl for Tennis is always played here every year. I look upon the US Open that way. But I should keep in mind that there's also Wimbledon, the French Open, and the Australian Open. And many people also revere the Italian Open."